Any positive advice would be appreciate it.i'm desperate to save my marriage..

[vmommy2011]

I have been married with my highschool sweetheart for the past two years. We got married 4 months after I found out I was pregnant. I used to get along with my Mother -in-Law when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I used to look for her for support and advice when it came to her son. She loved my company and thought I was the perfect woman for her son. Anyways, when the time came for our wedding preparations my husband and I had different ideas of what we wanted. He wanted a very intimate party with just both our families, and I wanted a larger one. Even so, he convinced me to do the private party instead. I spoke to his mother the following day, and she told me that she had convinced my husband to have a large party instead. I was thrilled in a way because I would get to have my dream wedding, but at the same time I told her I wish him, and I could have agreed on this on our own. She got very offended and told me I was unappreciative. I told her that I appreciated her gesture because I knew she was doing it mainly because of me, but as a woman I would have liked to be able to convince him myself. She told me that day to never call her again for advice or anything that had to do with our relationship. Since then, I basically stopped loooking for her. This is the day that I realized that if I stopped agreeing with her on something, she would consider me her enemy.



I have a tendency of not knowing how to say "NO" to people, I want people to feel happy, therefore I sometimes put myself into situations I do not like to please them. She and she is a very social, pushy individual. She would invite herself over, or tell me when to drop off my daughter and how I should do things. I would do these things to keep the peace, but the moment came when I finally took a stand on what I believe in...



Fast forward a few months- she moved to another country. Then my husband told me that his parents were going to be in town for about three months, and they were staying with us. I told him I would think about it because since we are in a relationship I would hope he takes my opinion into consideration. My usual relationships are not very intimate with people, I need my own space, and feel claustrophobic having other people in my home. I guess it could be referred to as "anti-social". Take into account we were a newly married couple, with a newborn. I did not want anyone staying at my home because It would make me feel unconfortable. My husband did not take this into account, and when I arrived home from work on the day my in-laws flew in, they were at my apartment (1 bedroom- 1 bathroom) with their bags ready to be unpacked. I got furious at my husband and pulled him aside. I told him that I was going to tell his parents I was not comforatble having them stay there-and then he dared me to do it. went up to them and I explained to them that I had not agreef with my husband on letting them stay at the apartment. His mother begun screaming at me, and told me she would never step a foot in my home ever again. Then she told my husband that a mother comes first, and that she regretted ever pushing him into marrying me. Basically I went from being an angel sent from heaven to their worst nightmare. My husband told me he was going to divorce me, but the next day did not follow through. She turned everyone against me acting like if I had killed someone. This is in her nature..she is a drama queen- and always gets her way. A few days later he told me I should apologize to them for not letting them stay at our home. I decided I woould apologize, and I did- I apologized for having put them in that situation when in fact it had been a communication issue between my husband and I.



Everything seemed to begin getting better until this year came around. My husband brought up the subject of his parents staying in our place again, and I told him that i felt unconfortable with people in my house. He got angry at me for telling him that, and told hiis parents that I refused to let them stay there!! I have told my husband that they are welcome to pass by, and to go out with us, or take our daughter out etc, I just do not want anyone staying at my home. I want to be able to work on this new relaationship, on this new family that we just formed, and I cannot do it if people are an my home trying to do things that WE as a couple are supposed to do. Now they are back in town staying at a friend's home and my husband is paying a rent for them. They do not want to see me,AT ALL, and they are telling my husband to divorce me. Even his brother is telling him to separate- he says that I am not worthy, and implies that my daughter will understand why he left me.They decided not to attend my daughter's first birthday, and I know they will not attend her second birthday either.( AND THEY WERE INVITED) I thought that once we would form our own famiily we would be the priority, but it seems to me that he is split on taking sides. I do not want him to take sides. I am not asking him not to talk to his parents, yet they are telling him to leave me. I try to look at this from my daughter's perspective and I do not think she would understand. Why would she understand that her father left HER MOTHER, just because her GRANDPARENTS were not allowed to stay over at their place??? I do not know If I am crazy to think this way. I thought that adults were supposed to think logically..but now I feel that being older does not necessarily make you wiser, or more mature. I would have thought that they would make an attempt to spend time with the three of us- at least for my husband, and my daughter's sake..I would have never thought people could take this issue to THAT extreme. I have basically made my FIRST enemies, and how I hate this.

My husband tells me they want me to apologize to them..what am I supposed to apologize for? I do not understand. If any of you seem to understand more than I do please comment on this message board...or if you have any advice...i'm desperate to know what I am doing wrong...

[Wakeup]

What is his and your culture? Is it culturally expected that the son should put up his parents in his home if it is only a one bedroom and they'd have no place to sleep? I'm just trying to figure out why he'd be sooooo keen to have you all crammed in together like that. I know we, as parents wouldn't want that for ourselves, never mind put our daughter and son-in-law and wee baby through that crowding and we'd book a hotel room or stay with relatives (that would be willing ) that had a bigger home.

I understand your reluctance to have them there but I think you could have gone about not having them stay there in a more diplomatic manner. Your husband having your back and agreeing with you would have made you look less like the bad guy as well.

I think YOU and your HUSBAND were at logger-heads and when push comes to shove, your in-laws were taken aback when they had NO idea that they were'nt welcome to bunk at your place because your husband didn't back you up and tell them they couldn't. There's where your mistake was, you and your hubby didn't get anything agreed to or compromised on.

I suggest if you want to smooth things over that you apologise for the misunderstanding, that you thought your husband had agreed that the apt. was too small for all of you.

Maybe if they come for a visit next time, You and the baby can stay at your mothers and let him and his parents stay at your place... them in your bed and him on the couch and just get together for outside activities and dinners.

[bearz]

Your husband put you in a very terrible situation. If anyone needs to apologize it is him. He didn't learn from the first time he made the mistake of inviting them over the stay without your approval. He did it again and it blew up in everyone's face. After all of this, does he at least realize now that what he did was wrong?

[PradaChanel]

Okay, where do I start. I do sympathize with you and there are somethings that you did that could have been handled differently.

Firstly, when you wanted a larger wedding and his mother is the one who convinced him to have it, why sweat the small stuff? Why did that bother you? You should have just been glad that she helped you to get what you wanted because when it was all said and done it was about how you wanted it anyway. I just think that comment was unnecessary. His mother is petty to a certain degree but you still should have talked to him about it because she probably sincerely felt unappreciated. You should have went to him about it if you felt that bad about it. I wouldnve said anything. I would have just been cool with things working out the way I wanted anyway, I dont care who had to get it done.

Also, your husband should have not let them stay there without your agreeing to this. However, you should have just gotten him straight on it. I dont think you should have went in there saying you didnt want them there. Of course that was going to piss her off. Did you not think it would? I would have talked to my man about it but I wish someone would tell me that my mother couldnt stay there or had the nerve to go tell her she couldnt.
I go by the saying, Im the only woman living in my house, therefore you have a say so as well but you have to go about things a certain way. If you had a issue with someone at your house thats not your company or your company you can say something of course! BUT in that situation, you needed to only address him.

Now, after knowing how you felt about this, your husband had no right to let them stay there again, knowing what happened last time. That tells me he dont repect what your saying and you need to lay the situation out to him and be very serious and direct, assertive. Its just as much as your place as it is his. It was very petty for them not to attend your babys bday but your kid had a good time and that was all that matters. I wouldnt care. Just remain cordial, assertive but your no doormat to be walked on and everyone has a position and need to stay in their lane. You all need to communicate and get the bigger picture. I wouldnt walk around all sad over. Try to fix it and if their unwilling who cares? At the end f the day your married to him and if you know your sincerely trying to be a good person towards them then thats on them and their lost.

[PradaChanel]

Wake up and Bearz advice is cool also, however, I wouldnt go stay anywhere else with my child. Thats your house.

[michelle23]

I think there were mistakes on all sides. And most of it boils down to bad communication.

You need to talk to your husband. He should be your best friend and you and he should be a team. Any decisions should be discussed together before involving anyone else. He needs to learn to stand up to his parents. They have no right to tell him to divorce you and he needs to make it clear to them that he will not tolerate that. And he should have put his foot down about them staying. If I just had a new baby I would want to be alone with my husband and my child in my own home most of the time. Especially an apartment that is only big enough for three people. They should have understood that. If it was only for 3 days-Id say fine but 3 months? no way!

I am guessing you are both young and both of you have dealt with the situation with his parents badly. You need to support each other and tell your husband that you do not expect him to choose between his mother and you. You understand that she is an important part of his life and respect that but he has his own family now and he needs to put you and your child first.

I recommend some relationship counselling. Your husbands family are trying to turn him against you and you have a baby to think about. You need him more than they do and he does not need the stress that they are placing on him.

[Wakeup]

Wake up and Bearz advice is cool also, however, I wouldnt go stay anywhere else with my child. Thats your house.

Sorry, but I think that attitude is being stubborn and unyielding. There is always a compromise to be made that will suit all parties. Sure it'sher house but it's her husbands as well and it's his parents (could be cultural why he wants them there in such cramped quarters????) I suspect that if Op were to leave with the baby to sleep etc then her MIL would get offended over that anyway... because she's sutbborn and unyielding as well (so is OP and her husband for that matter) They all want their own way and fail to negotiate to a mutually happy agreement. Looking at this situation in the light of day, I think they're all very childish, really.

[michelle23]

I would not leave my home for my in laws and I would not expect my partner to do that for my parents. Its our home. Sorry but I dont agree. Shes his wife and the mother of his child. It is their home and the place is not big enough for his parents. The man needs to grow a pair and stand up for his wife. His parents are being unreasonable.
Telling him to get a divorce? That is crazy.

[Wakeup]

I guess there's a good reason why marriages don't last anymore when y'all are so intent on being unyielding and self-concerned. *shrugs*

[michelle23]

I dont think that is being unyielding and self-concerned. With a new baby in the house it is stressful enough. You not only have to worry about the child but also on keeping your marriage alive and trying to find a balance. You could not do that with an overcrowded one bed apartment-somebody would lose the plot after awhile. Plus no new mother wants somebody else coming in telling them how to do this or that with her baby and taking over and I expect that is what would have happened. Her mother in law sounds like a control freak.

[Wakeup]

I dont think that is being unyielding and self-concerned.

Yes, you said that (in so many words already) I do though.

With a new baby in the house it is stressful enough.

IF she has parents close by to go to, it would be anything but stressful to have two parents helping her with the baby. I have direct experience with my parents and my daughter so trust me on that one.

You not only have to worry about the child but also on keeping your marriage alive and trying to find a balance. You could not do that with an overcrowded one bed apartment-

I agree, that's why I suggest she go elsewhere while they stay and that would make everyone a little less stressed. If her husband had her back, then there would be no issue except his mother being in a snit with him as well.

Plus no new mother wants somebody else coming in telling them how to do this or that with her baby and taking over and I expect that is what would have happened. Her mother in law sounds like a control freak.

Yes, she does. Not arguing that in the least. Are you a new mother, Michelle?

[michelle23]

So you suggest she not sleep in the same bed as her hubby for 3 months, he misses out on quality time with the kid, shes hurt and pissed off that hell actually allow her to leave her home for his parents (even though they have other options-they are not homeless) and then it will just create more distance between her and her husband and her and his parents.

Plus the parents would not be happy with that. They would still think shes the wicked witch because she wouldnt stay in the same house as them.

Im not saying that parents shouldnt be allowed to help with their grandkids but mother and baby still need space and time alone. So does father and baby as well as all three of them together.

[Wakeup]

So you suggest she not sleep in the same bed as her hubby for 3 months,

It doesn't have to be that way, they can have date nights or he could go to her parents to sleep once and a while (or everynight for that matter if there was a separate bedroom for them. This is all speculation btw since Op hasn't told us if her parents live near by, infact, she hasn't even mentioned her parents in the least.

he misses out on quality time with the kid,

I didn't say that she totally move out and barr him from any time with his child.. that's you putting words in my mouth again and then arguing on something that wasn't even a point.

shes hurt and pissed off that hell actually allow her to leave her home for his parents (even though they have other options-they are not homeless) and then it will just create more distance between her and her husband and her and his parents.

No it wouldn't IF it were agreed upon and mutually accepted by both of them. You're forgetting my opionion about negotiating and resolving conflict. These people all want their own way PERIOD. That's childish and it does nothing to maintain harmony within a relationship. No resentment would be caused if all agreed and were fine with the arrangement.

Plus the parents would not be happy with that. They would still think shes the wicked witch because she wouldnt stay in the same house as them.

If they spoke about it, explained why and they agreed, then there would be no such thing being thought of her.

Im not saying that parents shouldnt be allowed to help with their grandkids but mother and baby still need space and time alone. So does father and baby as well as all three of them together.

Yes, they could have that.

I'm still wondering what his culture is. It's perfectly normal (and expected) for some cultures to all live together without bother. I'm also wondering if she and her husband are different cultures.

[michelle23]

My point is the main issue here lies within her marriage. If he spoke to her and they agreed in the first place-none of this would have happened. They need to communicate and they need to put each other first.

I dont care what their culture is. Where are they supposed to sleep? On a blown up mattress for 3 months? And that would just stress out the new mother and make her life more difficult than it needs to be. The baby and her should be his number one priority. I will not change my mind on that.

He would miss out on quality time with her and the baby if he was pussy footing around his parents while she was away with her parents. It sounds like his mother controls him and he needs to grow up.

They are all being unreasonable but I do understand where she is coming from. I know if I had a newborn baby I would not want my house invaded or taken over by other people. And my house is bigger than hers. We would have room but neither of us would want that. I wouldnt like playing pass the parcel with my baby every day. Id want the kid to myself sometimes which is normal.

[Wakeup]

My point is the main issue here lies within her marriage. If he spoke to her and they agreed in the first place-none of this would have happened. They need to communicate and they need to put each other first.

... and my point is that they (as does his parents) both only want what they want and in their immaturity, they failed to find an alternate solution that they ALL could live with. I've offered an alternate solution. Whether that solution is feasible to any of them is up to Op and her family (even if you disagree with it).

I dont care what their culture is. Where are they supposed to sleep? On a blown up mattress for 3 months?

Yes, and in the Indian Culture, that would be perfectly acceptable to the entire family if they were all Indian. Italian culture is often very similar in that regard

And that would just stress out the new mother and make her life more difficult than it needs to be.

Yes, because they didn't compromise in any way. She said NO, he said YES.. no solution.

The baby and her should be his number one priority. I will not change my mind on that.

You don't have any experience with any of this so thats fine. Let us know how you fair should your husband want his mother there and you do not. How would you deal with that. Your way or the highway?

He would miss out on quality time with her and the baby if he was pussy footing around his parents while she was away with her parents. It sounds like his mother controls him and he needs to grow up.

Do you think he doesn't work?

They are all being unreasonable but I do understand where she is coming from. I know if I had a newborn baby I would not want my house invaded or taken over by other people

neither would I but I would have tried to come up with a solution that everyone would be happy with rather then arbortrarily telling them to get out..

And my house is bigger than hers. We would have room but neither of us would want that. I wouldnt like playing pass the parcel with my baby every day. Id want the kid to myself sometimes which is normal.

Let us know when you have a kid what you'd do. You'll have more credibility then. You're not them. She isn't okay with it, he is. What do you propose as a solution other then YOU getting your own way?