Love and cheating

[KimAsh]

My partner of over 5 years and I decided to try for a baby. I fell pregnant and was ecstatic. 2 weeks after finding out, he still doesn't seem very happy about it?! I question him to find out that 18 months ago while I was volunteering abroad for a few months he had an affair with an ex work colleague. It lasted a few weeks and he ended it. Throughout last year he was guilt ridden but couldn't talk to anyone about it. Scared about us trying for a baby and with no one to talk too, he called her. An opportunity arose over Christmas so he visited her to talk to her. Inevitably they had sex. He wore a condom but it came off. He told her it was a mistake that he's not leaving me and they were not in contact.
Meanwhile we start looking to buy a house together and are still trying for a baby. A week before I tell him we're pregnant, she has phoned him up to say that she is pregnant and at 37 thinks it might be her only chance. She's keeping it but has no expectations from him.

Hence he had to tell me everything. For 2 weeks we talked everything over and over, I have to believe that what he's telling me now is the whole truth. I've come to Australia for a few weeks, I have a lot of family here and it was a holiday we'd booked together. Anyway I'm here without him, thinking about this mess.

I've had an abortion. I didn't see how I could deal with all this and be pregnant. He was scared that we wouldn't work and then he'd have two kids he wasn't truly involved with....at no point did I want to go it alone. I have strong feelings of regret but there is nothing I can do about it now.

He's told his family and close friends,he's seeing a counsellor. He hates himself and is full of guilt and shame. He loves me and is trying to sort himself so he can be the man I deserve. He and her are not in much contact, but the last time they spoke I was there and she is very determined to have this child. He doesn't know how it will work but he will want the kid to know his father and provide where he can.

I love him, I loved us, we were great together. We're 35 I saw our future together, really happy. I know this has changed, but I'm lost. I don't know what to do. Partly I see an opportunity, start a new life, leave London work abroad.....partly I see that we were so good that we can get through this.

I just need to talk about it and hear from people about their experiences and their advice.

Sorry for the long post x

[Wakeup]

He and her are not in much contact,

That there would be enough for me to bite the bullet and leave this douchey douche that you THINK you're in love with. He should be in ZERO contact with her if he wants to be with YOU.\

He betrayed you twice with the same woman and now she's having his child. Do you honestly think she's not going to be the elephant in the room of your life forever now? Pfft.

Honey. Start fresh abroad and let her have him. She does anyway.

I'm sorry that this happened to you and that he was a stupid douche to everyone including himself. He needs psychotherapy if he feels guilt for something but goes right back and does it again. Fool. (and so are you if you think you can live with this baby and him contacting her and her contacting him everytime the kid reaches a new milestone.)

[HeartIsAching]

He's betrayed you twice... you need to get over your addiction to him and break it off.

[bcgirl]

He is not a good person. You two were planning to have a baby, yet he still decides to cheat. If you take him back, he probably would still cheat. Consider yourself very lucky. You aren't stuck being a single mother or worse ending up married to a douchebag cheating husband fathering babies everywhere. He cheated and is having a baby with his mistress. It ain't your mess anymore. Close this chapter in your life and let him deal with his mess. Go no contact and you will be able to recover

[Boisdevie]

He loves me

So why's he been shagging another woman? Funny kind of love that.

[Starnique]

Its one thing to cheat and as if thats not hurtful enough he got the whore pregnant. I always promised myself I would NEVER take a man back if her got another woman pregnant. That is unacceptable. Let them be go with their "love child" and move on. I always say if they have a kid before Im in the pic, fine. But to have a kid while Im in the pic..unacceptable. Either you can do one of two things. Stick with him and accept the kid or let him go to be a father to his kid, but that dont mean you have to deal with it, I suggest you do the second advice listed.

[Nicki XoXo]

Im sorry to hear about your situation. I do think that its important or him to be a part of his childs life regardless if its by another woman. If your going to be with him the reality is, you need to find a way to accept it or just let him take care of his child with no boundaries.Its the best thing to do for yourself. Maybe it will give him a chance to get with the mother and be parents to the baby. You can find someone else to treat you right, so no one loses in this situation.

[michelle23]

I would walk away. Im sorry this has happened to you and I know its hard but in the long run when you get through the grief and heal from this-you will be happier if you leave than you will if you stay.

If you stay with him its like trying to put a broken vase back together. I honestly dont think you will ever be truly happy with this man again and over time you will start to hate him 1/. because he betrayed you and broke your heart and 2/. because you aborted your baby over what he did. He has ripped your heart out and stamped all over it. Your baby is dead and she is having hers. You will never be able to get past that if you stay with him EVER!

You deserve better than him and you are worth more.

Stay strong and stay away from him. Have absolutely no contact with him-you will heal faster that way. Look up the five stages of grief-it will help you understand what you are going to go through and how difficult it will be but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will recover feeling stronger and happier and ready to meet someone better who wont hurt you.

Some men are weak and pathetic. They have no inner strenght. When everything is good between you-they are great but as soon as things get a little difficult the bail and screw you over. You deserve a stronger man who will be there through all the good AND bad times and someone who can handle the responsibility or a real relationship, real life and all the ups and downs that come with it.

Do not blame yourself for any of this. It is not your fault. It is all on him darling and let him suffer in his own hell for what he has done. Also dont feel guilty for aborting your baby. You did the right thing. You would not be able to bond with your baby after what he did and its also likely you would suffer strongly from post natal depression. Its quite common in women who have been cheated on, hurt or abandoned by the father of their child. And having to stay in contact with him for the rest of your life because of this child that ties you together would be horrific for you. I normally dont believe in abortion but in your shoes I would do it. It would **** me up too much otherwise.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope in time you will find a stronger man who will love you enough not to hurt you. Get some counselling while you heal. You are going to need all the help you can get x x

[elevator]

So they've had sex twice, they're still in contact...you seem very permissive? I would have ended it, if not at the first instance, then definitely the second. Now she's pregnant with his child and they will probably always be in contact and whether or not they can keep things platonic is very questionable...do you really want to live with that kind of paranoia?

He's not a good guy...regardless of how much 'guilt' he feels after the deed is done. Let them lie in their own mess; not only is he a cheat, but now he's a cheat+child+woman who clearly would shag him whenever she can. Not such a great catch.

[LittleFox]

I feel for you, but you have to be strong, going through this is too much I think.. If you stay with him, the chanses are that this woman, their baby and all this drama will follow you or be somewhere in the background all the time.
I am sure you don't deserve this. You will have a baby. Think about how wonderfull it will be, but you also have to start a new life.

This man not only betrayed you twice, still hasn't totally broke off contact with and probably never will because of the child, but also is an emotional wreck now. I'm not sure you can move past this together.

So maybe have an honest talk, where you say your feelings and also end this once and for all. Think about how much you want from him as a father to your child, you can manage that you live separate, a new life, but don't have to deal with everything completely alone, since it is his responsibility too.

[VincenzoG91]

You need to leave him. Otherwise, there was no point to that abortion and you just snuffed out life for the sake of mere drama.

[michelle23]

You dont owe him anything. Disappear OP. Make it impossible for him to contact you. He deserves nothing more. You dont have to explain why your not coming back. He can figure that out for himself. **** him! I would block him from my phone, delete my facebook/email etc, move house and dont tell him where I live, tell security at work or reception not to allow him to come in etc etc.

Focus on yourself and what is best for you. He doesnt deserve your pity. And if he thinks going for counselling makes this better or proves that hes sorry-hes more retarded than I first thought. Funny how these people only get help after they **** up their whole life and yours. Asshole! Its not enough. Nothing will ever be enough to make up for what he has done.

He has to suffer the consequences and pay the ultimate price (which is losing you) It might make him grow a pair of balls and change him from a little boy into a real man with integrity, morals, values and respect for other peoples feelings.

He was actually willing to live a lie-pretend the affair never happened and have a baby with you. To me that is an even worse betrayal and he can rot in hell!

And I dont believe for a second that he wore a condom! Id say she planned to get pregnant and probably lied and said shes on the pill. He was having unprotected sex with her while he was trying to conceive a baby with you. That is the lowest of the low!

[Valixy]

He has zero personality, doesn't he?

''Scared about us trying for a baby and with no one to talk too, he called her.''

He should have talked to you, don't you think? That's what a real partner does.

''An opportunity arose over Christmas so he visited her to talk to her.''

Isn't Christmas a time reserved for the loved ones?

''Inevitably they had sex.''

Really?!

''He was scared that we wouldn't work and then he'd have two kids he wasn't truly involved with...''

He never deserved you to give him a child in the first place!

''He's told his family and close friends, he's seeing a counsellor.''

Now he's found people to talk to. How convenient!

''He loves me and is trying to sort himself so he can be the man I deserve.''

Too late for you, I'm afraid.

''He and her are not in much contact, but the last time they spoke I was there and she is very determined to have this child.''

This must be heartbreaking for you. Why do you allow yourself to continue being part of this situation?

''partly I see that we were so good that we can get through this.''

If you two had been so good as you thought you were, this wouldn't have happened.

''I'm lost.''

You were lost when you were with him and living a lie, now you're about to find yourself.

You don't deserve all this suffering and what will follow from now on if you continue staying with him. You deserve so much better and I hope you know it.

[stormdrain]

A relationship can survive past, current or future infidelity IF some ground rules are established and both parties adhere to them. Especially in a situation where one party has left the country for a long period of time, because that does count as a mitigating circumstance. It all doesn't mean that he is a dreadful person or that he doesn't love you. If the cheating had been the main issue, I would council you to make up and look to tomorrow. Sadly, the main issue relates to the pregnancies. There is no way around that noose. Very few women are able to forgive a man committing an act that causes them to op for abortion. And the fact that his mistress is pregnant and that he will have a child with her, instead of you...

However hard it may be and however guilty he feels, move on. I am not saying you couldn't patch things up for a while, but the pregnancies will have such a dramatic lasting effect, life underneath the veneer will likely be agony.

[michelle23]

I honestly think even without the issue with regards to the pregnancies and the abortion-enough damage was already done when he cheated.

And then he didnt even have the balls to tell you the truth until he had no other choice and was willing to live a lie and briing an innocent baby into this mess and pretend everything is okay.

He even chose her over you and told you to have an abortion because "he doesnt want two kids" how selfish can a person get!

This situation is mental and im sorry but you have serious issues if youll even consider giving this evil bastard another chance. I cant believe you went with him to talk to her! You should have been running as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

Your 35-there is still time to meet a decent man and start a family. Please dont waste anymore time on him.