I'd expected worse but...

[davidjones]

I met up with my ex girlfriend on bank holiday Monday. Things had been a bit strange having broken up in January, then spent up to middle February trying to get her back and then not speaking to her until middle March after a period of no contact. It was quite clear there was still something between us and I'd missed her a lot. She said she missed me and one thing lead to another and we had sex.

We hadn't really properly discussed things or resolved anything so we met up last night. She explained that she felt I was trying to push her away that I didn't want to be with her anymore, this wasn't the case but I had been taken her for granted and I understood how she felt. She said my efforts to get her back surprised and confused her as she was sure I didn't want her from the way I behaved over Christmas.

She went back to University at the start of February following a productive meeting which made me think we would sort things out and she said that it wasn't about meeting new people or anything like that, and we promised we wouldn't sleep with anyone else. However, one Thursday we agreed to meet up the following weekend when she was coming home. Then on the Friday she told me she was now going to visit a friend instead. I'd been quite up and down the whole time she'd been away because she was going out a lot and I got a bit angry and cracked. This capitulated into me having quite a go at her and finished with me saying I couldn't speak to her anymore. As far as I was concerned it was over.

Because of the amount she had been out I'd assumed she was properly getting with guys, I didn't like this but it didn't bother me hugely. I felt that it would only be a problem if she slept with anyone. Well we talked last night, and she did sleep with someone. She slept with a guy she met on the Saturday after I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. She said she was very drunk and that it was the most awful experience. She said neither of them came because she'd started crying so they'd stopped. She also said that she hadn't done anything before that night and that she'd only got with a handful of guys afterwards which I'm ok with.

Now it's put me in a funny position, I thought we'd be able to make it up if neither of us had slept with anyone else. However I find myself feeling sorry for her more than angry at her for doing it. I know technically she hasn't done anything wrong, she was single and it felt to me then like it was truly over so I guess she was feeling the same. Also that it was so bad, she started crying, and that she feels so guilty about it makes me feel she really regrets doing it. It also explains why she has been so upset when we've talked a couple of times lately. On top of that, I have been thinking she's probably been sleeping with loads of guys, so in someways that it's only one is a relief...but there's a difference between thinking something and now knowing something.

It did keep me awake last night thinking about it. I hate the thought that another man has had his hands on her and she did break the last promise she made me.

Do you think I'd be a fool to consider going back to her? Do I have to sleep with someone to even it out? She's got exams coming up so we're going to talk about it more in a few weeks, but can I trust her while she's back at uni for the last few weeks? This was the only thing that I thought would stop us getting back together if it was what she wanted, but I feel strangely ok about it, I'm disappointed sure but not mad or angry. Is this the sort of thing that could end up bothering me down the line?

[pcmaster]

Saving up the sexual energy was the reason you both met again. Sexual tension did bring you both together again. So if you want to forget about her then sleep with other girls it will kill your relationship once and for all.

Trust her or not you decide. WTH you ask this on internet. I cant tell you what to do but I can tell how I see it, ask questions to help you explore your problem in order understad yourself better.

Why did you break up in first place and what have changed since then?

[michelle23]

David you do not need to "even the score" this is not a game. This is the woman you love and if you are getting back together-it has to be a fresh start with no grudges or trust issue and you both need to focus on making each other happy. You spent 2 and a half years with this girl (if I remember correctly) so you have no reason not to trust her if you get back together. You should no her well enough to trust that she is not a cheat.

She didnt do anything wrong. You were not together and she feels terrible coz shes obviously not the type to sleep around or have one-night stands and this experience proved to her that she does not want to do that again as it upset her to the point that it made her cry and she had to stop. It was also like trying on a new pair of shoes that don't fit properly and all she could think about was you. She will learn from that experience and if you are taking her back you need to get over it and do not hold it against her.

If you "even the score" there will be no hope for you and her in the future. It will hurt you and her more. Doing something out of revenge or anger is not an act of love and if you cannot get past this-you need to walk away now because you cannot stay and punish her.

You also need to make sure that this does not turn into one of those awful on/off relationships where you break up, get with someone else, destroy each others self esteem more and more each time, get back together and fight all the time until you break up again. It is a vicious circle, so destructive and unhealthy.

If you want this to work you both need to draw a line in the sand, start again and both put 110% into this. Go slow, date again and try to get back to where you were before.

[michelle23]

BTW I do understand how your feeling. The thought of my man with someone else makes me feel physically sick. Id feel the exact same in your shoes and if I felt like I could not get past it-I would walk away.

If you broke up today and she did this within a week or two and then crawled back the next day-i would tell you to forget her and move on but you split up for 3 months-you both thought it was over-you were trying to move on.

I know it feels like this has created a massive distance between you but it doesn't have to. If you found out that she was with someone else a month before she met you the first time you met-it would not bother you

[VerticalMoon]

She didn't break her promise. You told her it was over, so the agreement was no longer valid. I don't think it would be fair for you to hold this against her.

[Boisdevie]

I don't think it would be fair for you to hold this against her.

But he will won't he.

[smackie9]

Dude lets face it....it was over before it even got started. You both just need to cut your losses. You can pick at this like an old scab but all you are going to get is another scab taking it's place. Move on and don't look back.

[davidjones]

We spent a lot of time talking about things this weekend, she feels very guilty about what she's done even though she doesn't really have to, I can see technically she's done nothing wrong even if what's she's done is disappointing. It does sound like it happened because she was angry with me because of our argument as well as feeling lonely & insecure and to top everything off she was drunk. I wish she hadn't done it but I'm sure I can get over it, I'm slightly surprised how little it is bothering me. It's very out of character for her and to be honest I'm more surprised she was able to do it than anything else.

We've decided to give it another go and just not talk about the last few months, I think we can sort things out and I'd rather try again and fail than not try and never know!

[pcmaster]

I'd rather try again and fail than not try and never know!

Yeah buddy !

[michelle23]

We've decided to give it another go and just not talk about the last few months, I think we can sort things out and I'd rather try again and fail than not try and never know!

You should talk about the past few months and be sure any issues are resolved now so they dont come back to bite you both on the ass further down the line. You also need to talk about staying together. Tell her "if we break up again-there is no going back and it will be over for good". Also make sure you are not burying any negative feelings towards what she did. The next time your drunk an opportunity could come up and you could think "ill even the score". You need to be 100% sure that is not going to happen. You need 100% trust, honesty and commitment for this to work long term and this time dont hold back when it comes to talking about the future. You should know by now whether you can see a real future with her-marriage/kids etc and you shouldn't be afraid to talk about these things. Me and my bf talk about it every now and again and we both know we want it to happen one day. Its healthy to know you both have the same future goals and want these things with each other

Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out

[davidjones]

Thanks Michelle. I don't hold any negative feelings towards what she's done apart from being disappointed in her for doing it, but she's probably more disappointed than I am and I can't see it causing a problem, certainly not in the long term. I won't look to even the score so to speak, I really haven't got any interest in sleeping with someone else.

When I said we're not going to talk about the last few months, I mean the few months we've been apart. I haven't slept with anyone else but I've been on a few dates and had some drunken fumbles, its not something either of us want to think about. We've talked a lot about what went wrong before we split up and I think it's all come down to bad communication and miss understandings. She can see she made a rash decision that we should have discussed things more and I understand why she felt I didn't want her any more, we've both been miserable for 3 months so hopefully this is the right way forward for us both.

[michelle23]

Thats great David. I hope it all works out. Just remember you both have to give 100% now. Dont allow the breakup to make you feel insecure and dont allow yourself to be afraid to get too close or fear getting hurt again. That will just push you apart again. The important thing is you love each other and you both want this to work so enjoy each other and good luck