Am I ruining my bf's life or holding him back?

[Abandoned78]

Hi all,

I'm not sure what to think/do and I'm hoping to get a mans perspective on this situation. Here is the background information:

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 11 years, but we are not married.
We each have a daughter (1 in high school and the other in college) and we have 2 children together, who are both in elementary.
Until 2008, I was the only one who worked. Because he couldn't find stable work, he stayed home with the kids. (kicking and screaming the whole way, of course. )He did however fix cars and sold stuff as a way to make extra cash.
In 2008, he found a job, but it's intermittent because it's construction so he basically has the winters off, super hot days off, and super cold days off.

Every day when I get home from work, he either leaves the house or has friends over. He does not make time for me and if I talk to him he tells me that I'm attacking him. when I do this, I am simply asking him to spend time with me. He never invites me to hang out. I don't have any friends anymore because I was so busy pleasing him (letting him do whatever he wants), that I lost all of my friends because I didn't make time for them. (I know, that was a very stupid thing to do).

I am very passive, probably too much. And I aim to please him and make him happy. I pay all the bills except for his phone bill and I stay home with the kids when I'm not at work.
He is very aggressive, also probably too much. He buys whatever. BUT, he does come up with the money when I fall behind or stuff breaks. Like the motor for my car, he replaced that last Oct for $2000.

He's been taking care of the kids during the day and he makes dinner. He doesn't clean or anything though, I still have to do that when I get home. He does pick up or do dishes sporadically, but he doesn't scrub toilets or anything.

Over the last almost 2 years I have been dealing with a major medical issue. Because of this, I have been fairly tired. I mostly have good days, but sometimes I have bad days. Hopefully, this will all go away soon. I'd say it's probably25% bad, 75% good. I still do everything that I did before. I work, pay the bills, he still leaves when I get home or has people over constantly. Lately, I have been extra exhausted and In pain. I specifically asked him not to have anyone over because I wanted to rest. Yet when I came home, I came home to a garage full of guys drinking and laughing. I've talked to him about this, but he still thinks I'm attacking him.

He has been making remarks like how I'm boring or lazy and not fun lately. And he also makes cruel remarks whenever something doesn't go his way. I'm emotional right now because of my medical concern. Honestly, I feel like I'm a drain on society and him. I've been trying very hard not to inconvenience him. I don't talk about my treatments or anything because I feel like I'm just adding a burden on him and I make all of my appointments during my work days so he doesn't have to worry about it. He complains that we never have extra $$ as well. Every day it's something new. For the times that I do talk to him about things, if I do tell him issues, suddenly the entire town knows because he tells everyone.

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I know this all looks bad, but it really isn't that bad. And it may just be my sensitivity, but the comments that he makes towards me makes me feel very unworthy. Is he ashamed of himself? Is he ashamed of me? Am I annoying him? Am I a drain to him? I don't understand why he makes these mean remarks to me and I don't understand why he won't include me on anything. This is not new things, it has always been prevalent in our relationship. I'm so lonely. I know I can get another man, I know I'm a very good looking woman. But I don't want to just throw this away. I just want to know why he is like this to me and if anyone thinks my medical problem is draining him. Is this why he keeps company constantly? I've always been good to him. I do almost everything. Yet, I feel like I'm just garbage to him.

Just knowing the little bit of information here, what would you think? If I ask the ladies, they're all going to tell me he's a loser or a POS and to leave him. There has to be some kind of male underlying problem though... I think.

If you need more info, feel free to ask. Thank you so much for any help/advice.

[bearz]

You need to stand up for yourself, don't let him put you down. There is no reason to be mean to someone you are supposedly in love with. You two need to be able to talk about this issues with each other. But he's not as bad as most other guys who are involved in situations like this, he at least has a job, takes care of the kids, and even cooks dinner. But there is no love involved, you are just roommates at this point. Let me ask you this, you mentioned what he does and what he doesn't do, but what do you do around the house? Is it mostly a 50/50 split when it comes to keeping the house in order? Does your medical condition prevent you from doing any physical work?

[HeartIsAching]

You need to get past the victimhood - it's not your fault. He's been manipulating you to get what he wants for years. He's not ashamed, he's making you think he is so you'll give him more.

Check out this link, bet you see a lot of points of congruency:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

[Abandoned78]

I am, definitely thankful that he helps with the kids and works now. It could be worse, he could do neither. I do stand up for myself every time he tries to put me down. It's tiresome to deal with every day though and sometimes it makes me second guess what activities I do, like right now. I think maybe I've lost some confidence in myself because of it. I know that's not good at all.

My medical condition does not prevent anything most days. I have a treatment every 27 days and that's when I'm down. I still function, it's during this time that I'm really tired and lack motivation. I do the majority of the cleaning (80%-90%), he does a little here and there) and the laundry. I am thankful for his help around the house and definitely with the kids. That's another thing, he says I'm lazy. Which that hurts as well, because I know that I'm not.

In a nut shell, here is how the days go:

My weekday goes like this: I get up at 5:30, get ready for work and leave at 6:30. I don't get home until 6:15, we eat together, then I clean up dinners mess, help the kids with their homework, get the kids ready for bed/school, and pick up the house. I'm in bed around 9:30-10:00. Maybe I should do more?
My weekend consists of cleaning, doing activities with the kids, making dinner, etc.

If he's not working, his day goes like this: Wake up between 6-8, get the kids ready for school, drop them off, do whatever he needs to do until 3:30, pick the kids up, make dinner, and then either hang with friends and the house or leave.
If he is working, his day goes like this: Up at 5, get ready and go to work, come home between 7-9.
Weekends, he's always out working on his trucks or shooting the sh*t with friends in the garage. In the summer, he'll work on Saturday until about 5.

I feel like I'm doing most of everything already, but that it's still not enough to make him happy. I will admit, sometimes I feel a little resentful because I don't have anyone to talk to and I watch him have so much fun with his friends. But, I know it's my own fault.

It's seriously like ground hog day. Maybe we are just bored.

[Abandoned78]

I never would have considered bullying. Thank you for the information, I will check it out!

[HeartIsAching]

No, you shouldn't do more. You ARE doing most of it already. He should be cleaning up after dinner, and you should trade off on who helps the kids with their homework.

[HeartIsAching]

Whoops - and the housework, too.

[Starnique]

He needs to get a real job first of all. Whenever his friends are over, you need to go and dismiss them. If your husband get an attitude, just tell him you tried speaking to him about it and he wasn't man enough to respect you and when you try to pass the choices to him so he can make he doesn't make the right ones. With that being said, from now on it's only right that you make the decisions. If he want to run something besides his mouth all over town and wear the pants, he need to learn to be a caring, loving man first.

[michelle23]

Hes emotionally abusive and manipulative. You are walking on egg shells constantly trying to please him and nothing you ever do is good enough.

It is obvious that you do not want to leave him but things will not change or get any better unless you do something to give him a reality check.

You should kick him out and change the locks. Tell him when hes ready to grow up and be a manand stop treating you like a doormat you can talk and if he wants to come home you want relationship counselling