How can I socialize and establish a relationship better with girls?

[kittyvlekkie]

I am a 15 year old man who has Asperger's Syndrome and Paranoia. Socialising has always been difficult for me but I can socialise reasonably well with guys but not that good with girls. I easily fall in love with a girl but I don't have the guts to ask a girl out. Recently, this feeling keeps getting stronger due to hormones. I want to know how to approach a girl and how to start a relation with one, I am going to greece on the 4th of may and thought this would be a good place to excercise(harshly said, we are dealing with someone's emotions here.) because:
1.The girls there don't know my history.(social awkwardness and was bullied has lead to the majority of girls not even trying to resocialise with me because of the 'group effect'(don't hang out with him, other girls don't do that too.))
2.Small amount of consequences. If I screw something up at school, I might get many bad reactions and often those awkward 'Hey, remember that time when you X' situations.

I am mostly looking for being with a girl that I can love(and preferably be loved back), if she is good looking, that would even better, but any normal girl would suffice.

Please don't judge me for my age, I am mentally very mature for my age, I am willing to take advice that I will learn from, even if I don't agree with it or believe it.

I want to know how to approach a girl and how start a relation with one. I also want to know if there are specific rules for Greece and The Netherlands.

[basilandthyme]

Kittyvlekkie, I won't judge you by your age - you're at the perfect age to be learning this stuff.

One of the best pieces of advice I can give is to find girls who have similar interests to you. Be that music, tech, geek interests, hobbies, sport...whatever. Join the groups at school which have these interests. (eg, my daughter is 14 and plays guitar - so she meets a lot of boys through the music programs) It will give you a lot of common ground to start with. Also, practice talking with girls who can be just friends. It's easier to talk when you're not wanting to foster a relationship.

If the girls at school really aren't an option, look for social options which are outside of school.

I hear you when you say that you fall in love easily. However, I urge you to take another look at what you call "love". It's more likely to be 'infatuation' which is very easily mistaken for love...especially at the age you are. I remember it all too well myself.

I hope there are social skills and dating programs for Aspies in your country. They'll help you a lot with having a good conversation and learning to read the signs of interest/disinterest. Amazon also have a mountain of books with advice for Aspies and dating - you may want to investigate some of them.

Good luck!

[michelle23]

Have you considered online dating?

[kittyvlekkie]

Have you considered online dating?

No, I haven't. I am 15 years old, I doubt there is an online dating site for 15 years old here.

[bracketjosh72]

Hi,

I can't speak on the Greece or Netherlands part. The best advice I have is just become friends first with girls. If you get stuck in the friend zone a couple of times that is ok. At 15 you have years of meeting many interesting and kind girls . Just learn to talk to them first make friends and be yourself.

[kittyvlekkie]

Have you considered online dating?

I have been looking and they are full of little children and attention seekers, it's not that it seems this way, it just is and I think that a girl that I'm looking for wouldn't look at such places. Thanks for the advice but it doesn't work that well here.

[Ann S]

Dear Kittyvlekkie: I can tell you are very mature for your age. And Asperger's Syndrome and Paranoia do keep one from socializing easily. But here you are, with a very clear and mature post, asking for advice! This is testimony to your maturity. So I have some feedback for you:
1. You indicate that you are willing to settle for just about any girl. This is not OK because you deserve better than that.
2. "I easily fall in love " - Well, I will venture to guess that you fall in LUST easily, or you fall in obsessive thinking, easily. Love has to grow between two people. I hope you re think your definition of love.
3. The bullying thing at school is outrageous, isn't it. And the young men and women you are dealing with aren't as mature as you are. And they probably haven't taken the time to understand Asperger's or Paranoia. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this. You are 15. Are you a great student? Do you have Junior Colleges in your country? In the U.S. some of our students get to attend accelerated classes at our Junior Colleges (2 year colleges before transferring to a 4 year college and having only the remaining 2 years left to complete). I am thinking that this would be a place for you to meet and interact with more mature students and the bullying issue would hopefully go away.
4. In Greece, you will still have Asperger's and Paranoia, but you are right, the bullies won't be there. I'd start by asking a girl out for coffee or soda.....but remember, Greece is a different culture with different dating norms, so you better be aware of what those are because some families won't let their daughters be alone with a guy.
5. I'd encourage you to explore classes, hobbies, outside your school where you might interact with people who share your interests. For example, if you were interested in photography, take a photography class.
6. Relationships aren't started just because you approach a girl and ask her out. It has to build and be mutual. Please be patient, although I know that probably sounds like an empty platitude.

Lest you think I don't know what I am talking about, when I was your age, I also was the recipient of some teasing.....I know how painful it can be.
Be strong. You sound like a great guy. Ann

[smackie9]

I'll try to make this as easy as possible. You are 15, and no matter if you have a disorder or not, this is an awkward age for most and everyone will struggle just as bad as you. Everyone wants to have a love, but it may not be your time to have one, you cannot create one, nor expect to have one just because you want one. These things cannot be forced, they just happen and most of it is just by chance. The others have made some good suggestions by getting more involved with activities, etc to boost your social skills. I hope you have a full understanding of your disorder and are working with a therapist. Many famous people have Asperger's Syndrome and have been able to overcome it, and have successful lives. So I'm sure you will too So work on having a busy life, make new friends, and have fun. Don't feel hopeless because you haven't got a GF.....it will happen eventually, just don't get yourself tied in a knot over it.

***note: the teasing is something everyone will grow out of. As the years go on, people mature and focus there energy on their future, like going to uni, or working, moving out on their own. You are at an age where life sucks because you are not quite a kid and not quite a man. Like I said you are at an awkward age, and you are not alone.

[kittyvlekkie]

I thank the people who have replied and I find that these replies really help me. I just want to say that I was bullied. I really like the support I am getting.

[dem862]

Are you familiar with the wrongplanet dot net forum? It is very large and there are many posts that may be of interest to you, including your topic. Many male aspies have been successful with women. Many have married and had children. You seem very intelligent for 15. Good luck to you. Also remember to have fun in life. It gets better after high school.

[smackie9]

Well being picked on and being bullied is nothing new. It's just a right of passage for many ( and for some of us too). It may seem harsh now, but yes it does get better. I find it will teach you to be more resilient, and builds character. Keeping positive is key.

[kittyvlekkie]

Well being picked on and being bullied is nothing new. It's just a right of passage for many ( and for some of us too). It may seem harsh now, but yes it does get better. I find it will teach you to be more resilient, and builds character. Keeping positive is key.

I ment that I was being bullied, not anymore.

[smackie9]

Then you need to not care about that part anymore, step forward.