Feeling like a bad person. two girls I am attracted too. both are sweet girls.

[bracketjosh72]

Thank you for taking the time to give your feedback. About 3 years ago I met a girl at college (she was a friend of a friend) and we started dating, and it was fantastic. She is cute smart and funny we had some very special dates and days that I will never forget. Unfortunately 3 weeks later was summer, at the time I was working to pay for school 6 days a week and long hours. With a distance of over 2 hours separating us a relationship didn't seem possible so we both agreed to wait it out (regret on my part...). She met a guy and started seeing him, but we maintained a close friendship. While that relationship was going on I met my girlfriend. She is a good girlfriend, we have our fights, issues, insecurities, but also our moments of love joy and happiness and we don't fight often. The other girls relationship fizzled while my new relationship was just beginning. It was at this time my ex told me she had deep feelings for me and truly thought I was the one. I spent nights lying awake not sure what to do and in so much pain because I didn't want to ruin a new relationship that was going well, and knew I felt such a close connection to this girl who I could never get the timing right with. Now she has met another guy and we still maintain a casual friendship, but I sometimes wonder what if. Now I have a job ironically right in her hometown, right next to the place where we had one of our first and most amazing dates. I feel so much guilt because I think about her everyday being there and I can't seem to get her off of my mind. I don't know if this is some kind of sub conscious fear of commitment in my current relationship, unexplored feelings with this girl, or maybe I just let the love of my life slip through my fingers. Either way I feel terribly guilty because my girlfriend doesn't deserve a guy that is thinking about another girl, and I find myself becoming someone I hate. I don't know if I should tell my ex that these feelings? Her new relationship from what I can tell seems happy. Should I tell my girlfriend about these feelings? I feel like I am drowning with guilt over the whole situation, and not myself. This is not the type of person I want to be.

[Ann S]

Dear bracketjosh72: Self loathing will not help you see your way through this situation. This is complicated, but you are emotionally cheating on your current girlfriend due to unresolved feelings and lack of closure with your current relationship. You are right, that this is less that upstanding, and just from the tone of your post, I know you are a better guy than that. My advice will be difficult but here it is: 1. I think you should tell your current girlfriend the truth and let go of the outcome. You are being honest and I hope you will value that in yourself. Right now, you are not available to be in a relationship with anyone because you are not emotionally free. 2. I would tell the other girl where you stand and let what happens, happen. Whatever happens is going to happen anyway so why fight it. 3. If your ex has integrity and has feelings for you, she will need to tell her current relationship, because she is not emotionally free either. It will be interesting to see what she does. It will tell you a lot about her.
Then you are free to either be with the one you actually haven't left, or to be free to heal so you can come as a whole, available person into a new relationship. These threads that are left over from unresolved relationships tarnish and interfere with any subsequent relationships. And your post is living proof of this. Good Luck. Ann

[Wakeup]

we still maintain a casual friendship,

That's your problem right there. You have some residual feelings for this girl and therefore, being in a relationship you should NOT be maintaining any kind of so called 'friendship' of any kind with her. You're crossing a very fundamental relationship boundary on your new girlfriend. Your ex is with someone new. You are with someone new. Do everyone a favour and stop talking to one another all together so that you can put the past in the past and leave it there where it belongs.

I don't know about anyone else in the forum but I'm getting really exasperated with reading about all these young people who keep past lovers in their lives as "friends." You CAN NOT be friends with someone who you have feelings for and keep it drama free and platonic. It's IMPOSSIBLE 99.9% of the time.

Move on, do the mental work to put this away for good and concentrate on the lovely girl you've got in front of you instead of looking in the rear view mirror and wonder what if. Life travels is in drive, not reverse.

[bracketjosh72]

Thank you to both of you. It is excellent advice, and honestly what I needed to hear. Thank you for being open and honest about this.

[Wakeup]

You're welcome but I don't think you should tell your girlfriend anything about this. If you're going to stay with her and stop all the other crap with the ex, then why hurt her by telling her such folly?
I would not tell the other girl anything either. She's in a relationship with another guy and how would you feel if your gf had an ex in the background confessing unresolved feelings (mostly) due to keeping a friend around that should have been left in the past. pfffft.

If you allow yourself to get to the stage of indifference by ending any contact with the girl that was a college thing, then you'll not feel guilty for enjoying your new relationship and you'll not have to feel guilty for putting such a burden on your (past) gf who "seems happy in her new relationship".

I'll add that I think your gf was selfish to tell you she still had feelings for you only when her other relationship fizzled and you were handy... and in a new relationship.

Just my opinion, of course.

[Ann S]

Wakeup: You make so many great points. I totally agree with your comment, "I'm getting really exasperated with reading about all these young people who keep past lovers in their lives as "friends." You CAN NOT be friends with someone who you have feelings for and keep it drama free and platonic. It's IMPOSSIBLE 99.9% of the time.!"
You are RIGHT ON! But here's another thought.....so many young people that I know, have no idea about how to date or what their relationship values are. So they react instead of respond to each crisis. I hope many young folks read your post! Ann

[Wakeup]

Thanks Ann, I appreciate your calm logical posts.

so many young people that I know, have no idea about how to date or what their relationship values are. So they react instead of respond to each crisis.

Point taken. :o)

[michelle23]

I agree with wakeup completely and im also getting frustrated for the same reasons lol!

OP your gf is the reality, the ex was and is just a fantasy. You never had a relationship with her so you never got to figure out whether you are compatable or not and its a good thing coz now you have met this fantastic girl that you do have a real relationship.

It wasnt meant to be with the ex-if it was you would not have left work commitments get in the way and you would have made time even if it was only once a week but you didnt because at the time you didnt see the potential with her. If you did-you would have tried harder.

The only reason she made a move on you recently was out of jealousy and it was selfish of her. You need to cut all contact with her, tell yourself youll never go backwards. Whats the point when it didnt work the first time? And keep moving forward.

The first stage to breaking your infatuation and obsession to her is accepting its over and stop thinking what if? There is no what if. As i said already-if she was "the one" you would not have stopped seing her in the first plaace. If you cant do that alone and get her outa your head soon then you need to break up with your gf.

If you do break up with your girl than you need to get over both of them and again "dont go backwards-keep moving forward"

good luck to you

[michelle23]

Also dont tell ur gf about this. Whats the point? If u can get her outa ur head alone and concentrate on your girl-there is no need to say anything.

[Ann S]

Ditto to you, Wakeup - Ann