Problems with male friend

[ds141]

I had a falling out with a guy I have known since college. We basically communicate through email and texts now (we don’t live in the same city) so (in hindsight) I was filling in the blanks with information I had and not necessarily the truth. In doing that, and trying to offer help and support (he had recently switched jobs, then was moving, etc. – I thought he was hurting financially and tried to offer even though he didn’t ask). It ended up with him freezing me out for a long time, although I’ve made attempts to talk to him again and he has responded occasionally.

In trying to smooth things over (two years after our initial fight), I asked him for help with something. It was something he knew a lot about, and he said he was willing to help. But immediately after I recognized the awkwardness of the situation – how long could I wait for his response, could I email him back to ask him other questions, how much priority was he going to give this problem I had – and then I told him to forget it because I had figured it out myself. I had told him I would continue to work on it too, so it was possible I had figured it out myself. He blew up, saying that I was getting a ‘dig’ in because I told him I didn’t need his help anymore and that he wasn’t going to drop everything to help me but he was ‘getting to it’. This was almost two years after our initial fight, and although I still worry about how he is doing financially, the only time I have made any attempts to give him anythings are regular events (birthdays, Christmas, etc.) and I haven't done that since his birthday. So why did he blow up at me, and does this mean he and I can’t get past this?

[VincenzoG91]

Friendship shouldn't be difficult like this. Some people are only going to be a part of our lives for a while before things change and we move on. I think this friendship is over and you need to let it go.

[Ann S]

I THINK IT CAN BE QUITE INSULTING WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO, "HELP," WHEN THERE IS NONE ASKED FOR. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THE, "RESCUER," POSITION WHEN NO RESCUE WAS REQUESTED OR NEEDED. HOW EGOTISTICAL OF YOU! THIS PUTS YOU IN THE, "ONE UP," POSITION, AND YOUR EX FRIEND IN THE, "ONE DOWN," POSITION. PRETTY ARROGANT, IF YOU ASK ME.
AND I GUESS YOUR PAL THOUGH SO TOO, BECAUSE HE 86ED THE FRIENDSHIP.

WHAT WAS YOUR, "FIGHT?" YOU AREN'T CLEAR. DID YOU HAVE AN ARGUMENT OVER YOU TRYING TO, "HELP," WHEN NONE WAS REQUESTED? WHAT DID YOUR EX FRIEND SAY ABOUT THIS?

WHEN YOU ASKED YOUR PAL FOR HELP, YOU DIDN'T SAY WHEN YOU NEEDED HIM TO GET BACK TO YOU WITH WHAT YOU REQUESTED. FOR EXAMPLE, "I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD HELP ME WITH THIS ISSUE, BUT I NEED IT WITHIN TWO WEEKS, AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE THE TIME."

WHY DO YOU WORRY ABOUT HOW HE IS DOING FINANCIALLY - HE'S MADE IT NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL MEDDLER? RESCUER FOR PROBLEMS THAT AREN'T YOURS? FOLKS GET OFFENDED BY THIS....AS YOU'VE FOUND OUT. WHY ARE YOU SENDING HIM GIFTS?

I CERTAINLY DON'T KNOW WHY HE BLEW UP AT YOU, BUT IF I WERE TO GUESS, HE'S HAD IT WITH YOUR CONDESCENDING ATTITUDE.

I hope you go read Melody Beattie's books, Co Dependent No More, and the Language of Letting Go. Read them four times - it takes that many before the light bulb goes on.

[Wakeup]

GOOD POST, ANN. BUT WHY ARE WE SHOUTING? lolzzz
(I agree with Vincenzo as well)



* Re: Your edit, Ann: It's okay to write in the ask a man forum if the question isn't gender specific I don't know why anyone would even use the "Ask A" threads to tell you the truth. This questions is definately not gender specific.*

[Ann S]

Whoops! Not meaning to shout, and thank you for your feedback. I like many of your posts. Ann

[ds141]

Ann,

I guess I didn't think caring about someone was meddling in their life. And, knowing how stubborn some people are, I offered money because I thought they were in a tight spot. In offering I let it be known that I knew it might not be accepted, but I would feel worse for not offering. If I were hard up I would be proud too and I know him well enough to know when he was hard up in the past he did accept help from me, but only indirectly (my "free" college swipe card for food, not money out of my own pocket). As for gifts, I give my friends gifts ... for their birthday, for Christmas, etc. I don't expect anything in return, but I do give people gifts to let them know I care about them and are thinking about them. And since I don't get to see him often, I chose to send gifts to show I care.

Obviously, I was wrong for assuming he was in financial distress. The things he was doing, and his avoidance of me and the subject when I asked, made me think something was going on. Something was going on, unrelated to his financial position ... but not being a mind-reader, I chose to draw one conclusion instead of another. I don't really think that is important, because it doesn't relate to the issue at hand. He is upset because I thought he was not doing well financially, and it obviously hurt his pride. I don't think his new business venture is doing well (in this economy, very little is) and I presumed to know more about the situation than I did. I don't. I asked for his help to smooth things over, and since the last time he helped me almost immediately, I didn't think I had to put a deadline in the request. It was only after, and with everything else that had happened, that I didn't know what to do and how to handle asking him when he would 'get' to it. I didn't think it through.

I'm only trying to understand why he is still angry, and if this friendship is fixable. The past is the past, and I can't change my "meddling" as you put it. I don't think it is wrong to care about someone or want to try to help, especially if that person has helped you in the past too. I don't think most people really ask for help, in most cases, they are too proud. Did I overstep? Maybe. But I think most people prefer to offer support outright because if asked people will say no. That wasn't the right decision in this case.

[Ann S]

You will only know why he is angry when you ask him! It is a mystery to me why one would go on a forum to have us all guess about what someone is thinking! What is it about you that keeps you from having a one on one conversation (even via phone) with this pal? But I think you should start out with an apology, NOT a justification of why you did what you did.

"The past is the past, and I can't change my "meddling" as you put it. I don't think it is wrong to care about someone or want to try to help" You already knew this pal didn't accept handouts without some kind of negativity, or wounded pride - whatever it is......he didn't accept anything from you directly. Gosh - you keep going after the same thing - that you want to help! But let's make this not about YOU, but about your friend: He has shown you he doesn't really want your overt or covert help, he has distanced himself from you, he hasn't shared his financial situation with you (which is really none of your business) and you keep wanting to "help," (which from reading you, feels so invasive into areas which many people feel are private) and you won't take, "no," for an answer! I think this is NOT about him, but about YOU! Why can't you just let it go??????


"I don't think most people really ask for help, in most cases, they are too proud." And so what? That is their right! Why is this your business! Obviously, this ex friend, doesn't want to have those intimate conversations with you about his business successes or failings.....or anything else. I hope you look at your own side of this street and give your friend the respect of honoring his privacy.

Did I overstep? Maybe. YES! AND THAT IS EVIDENT BY YOUR FRIEND'S DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM YOU!
" But I think most people prefer to offer support outright because if asked people will say no. That wasn't the right decision in this case." Do you ever take the time to ask those you want to, "help," (or is it control? - they haven't asked you for help - and perhaps this is very arrogant and condescending of you because it puts you in that, "superior position," doesn't it?) how you could be supportive? instead of YOU providing the answer to that.

Honestly, I hope you give this some thought. Good luck. Ann

[edpjrr]

good post, ann. But why are we shouting? Lolzzz
(i agree with vincenzo as well)



* re: Your edit, ann: It's okay to write in the ask a man forum if the question isn't gender specific i don't know why anyone would even use the "ask a" threads to tell you the truth. This questions is definately not gender specific.*

"but why are we shouting? "<---loooooooooooooool

Btw,OP,I think you have a crush on him

[Jacob E.]

This realtionship seems too complicated. I'd say to keep it more simple. Say hello once in a while and don't assume too much. You are turning this into a science. Ask him what's up. If he repels your inquiry, just leave those problems in the past alone.