What the hell has happened to me? (Infidelity)

[Traveler94]

I've always prided myself on my morals, loyalty, and commitment to my loved ones. A recent experience has completely rocked my world and made me question who I really am.

I've been traveling for work for nearly six months now between a combination of international and domestic locations. I recently started a new job and this schedule won't be typical in the long run but will continue through late this year. I am only home with my wonderful wife and two kids (2 and 6) for perhaps one weekend per month. Work days are long, stressful, and physically and mentally draining, seven days a week.

As the months have gone on, I have desperately tried to hold on to "the real me" - a loving, dedicated father and husband. But as the days grind away, I continue to get more and more worn down and I don't like who I am becoming.

The nature of my work regularly brings me into contact with mixed company in social situations. A few months ago, I met a woman who I came to learn was very interested in me. Through shared acquaintances we would regularly see each other and it became obvious that there was strong mutual attraction. I initially just chalked it up as a nice ego boost. I was resolved to not let this attraction lead to anything, but every time we were together we would both toe the line and continue to escalate. Long story short, we finally ended up hooking up and performing oral sex on each other. Even in my most desire fueled, addled state of mind, intercourse was never on the table. Not that that makes anything better, but maybe it's a sign that there's some small part of me that is still trying to hold on to my values?

My emotions right now are incredibly complicated and change by the hour. Part of me feels bad simply because I know it's wrong, but the level of guilt fluctuates from overwhelming to barely present. Another part of me, what I hope is "the real me", is absolutely sick with what I have done. Part of me wants to just find the nearest bridge, while the sickest, most depraved part of me would probably hook up with this woman again for the cheap thrill. I feel like the lowest, most vile creature on the planet either through the guilt of what I have done or, truly disgustingly, guilt that I don't feel more guilty.

I've betrayed my wife's trust and I've betrayed my dearest principles. The principles that have always defined me as a man. I don't know who I am anymore.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what got me to this point. The weariness of being on the road, loneliness, and a simple desire for human contact and companionship are all factors but not excuses. The flirtatious nature of my coworkers/team certainly doesn't help, but I am my own man and I am responsible for my actions. I love my wife and children and the thought that I've done something to endanger this most sacred part of my life fills me with dread.

I started this work travel prepared to sacrifice for the financial health of my family but it has cost so much of myself that I don't know how to recover. I am so ashamed that no matter what happens, I will have to live the rest of my life knowing I have done this thing. If someone had told me six months ago that I'd end up here I'd have taken them for a lunatic. I haven't told my wife as I think doing so may ease my burden only to transfer it to her.

I still have a few months of travel left and I don't know how I will survive...

[Wakeup]

Why don't you phone your firm's benefits company and ask if you're covered for personal therapy sessions. Seeing a councellor will help you to come to terms with your guilt and aid you in getting your mind off the whore that helped you to travel on this destination to your own personal hell you're now in.

People can handle monogamy but very few can handle celebacy for any length of time, particularily when temptation is there offering you a bite of the apple. That goes for both men and women, the cheater and the enabler. That is why it is very important to refrain from doing date like activities with members of the opposite sex when you are going to be away from the one you promised monogamy to. Too late now but keep that in mind for the future because you've already done it once so the next time will be a fight in your own head to stay away from Miss blowjob. It's like any thing that releases those pleasure chemicals (smoking, drugs, drinking, sex) In order to win the fight in your head to stay off of the pull of the chemical release you need to go cold turkey and stay completely away from the pleasure of your choice.

I don't recommend you tell you wife. If this was a one off blow job ("intercourse was never on the table" to that I say blow your justification out your ass because what you did is just as bad as any vag/penis penetration) then I think you'd just be cruel and trying to unburden your own guilt by telling her. Others will likely tell you differently but thats my take on you being a coward a second time by telling and just trying to unburden yourself.

Call your benefits provider and see if you can get set up for some professional guidance on this one.

[pcmaster]

If you on a trip you can call some helpline and share your pain. It actually helps.

[michelle23]

If i was the wife id want to no. Thats my biggest fear right there-being lied to every day and thinking my marriage is perfect when its not!

It makes me feel sick to my stomach the thought of living a lie.

Im sorry even though i dont wana be a bitch to you-i still think your weak and pathetic and you should have said no!

[michelle23]

To me its already over-the damage has been done and you should man up and tell the truth and suffer the consequences even if that means losing your wife.

Your still tempted to go back for more which says to me you have not suffered enough and you wont learn from this until you pay the price for your actions.

[Traveler94]

i still think your weak and pathetic and you should have said no!

You aren't telling me anything I don't already know.

[michelle23]

This tells me your not strong enough to handle the bad times. Some people are emotional immature. When everything is good between you there great but as soon as things get a little tough-they crumble and have an affair. Some people resort to alcoholism instead or drugs or alcohol-whatever. Some people resort to porn addiction which eventually leads to cheating..
You need to find a healthier more constructive way to deal with lifes crap!

I understand you have made a lot of sacrifices for your family and its hard being away so much and its easier to get tempted when there is a lot of distance but what you did was so wrong and trying to justify it by saying it was just oral-does not cut it.

You and your wife could have had cyber sex, . phone sex, text sex. You could have tried to use the distance as a way to try different things together. You should have avoided the other woman like the plague but your so called "morals" were not enough.

This was a huge test to your marriage and you failed.

[michelle23]

And failing that test says to me that your wife can do better. You no shes prob finding it just as hard. It prob breaks her heart every time you have to leave for work and i bet she misses you like crazy.

Do you think shed pass this same test?

[smackie9]

Weakness is a normal fact of life, and at one time or another we desire a co-worker or friend. But most know and understand that it's just a desire that doesn't need to be acted upon, and a silly little crush is harmless. There are those who do lose all reason and control, but in all seriousness there is no justification for infidelity. Please take this opportunity to understand what happened. Is it worth it to sacrific your marriage for finaincial health? If you were smart you would bow out of this career choice, and find something else. It is better to live with less, than to lose everything.

[pcmaster]

Its not that easy to say no. Mind says no but nature is stronger even if you know what happening, things just happens theres no natural defense mechanism.

I been touched by other girl infront of my GF, couldnt do anything. For 2 seconds I wanted to push her away, but thought was like a far echo and I just forgot GF exist moment took over. It felt good, exciting. GF was like 10 feet away but the other girl closer than ever. When other girl went away I saw GF was shocked, but I didnt felt any guilt.
Now when I think of it she always said how disqusting I am - maybe thats why I didnt had confidence to push other girl away maybe thats why I was so weak.

[michelle23]

He was prob never put to the test before which made him think he had "morals".
But when he found himself alone with another woman who was eager all those "morals" went out the window

*sigh*

i feel so sorry for the wife. Noone deserves this and its even worse that hes gonna go home now and pretend to be the perfect husband and live a lie.

[smackie9]

Note: it is up to you to tell your wife or not.......it's a personal thing, everyone's view is different. It's not likely she will know, and there are those who find it better not to know, especially if it was a one time thing. I'm not going to bash you, everyone makes a mistake. It's obviously you are not a serial cheater, and are wracked with guilt to the point you won't do such a thing again. Wakeup is right, you would benefit greatly is you sought out some counseling on how to deal with this, and maybe get the courage to tell your wife.

[michelle23]

Pcmaster that is total bullshit and you no it. I no men who have had a gorgeous girl lie down naked in front of him and practically beg for sex and he said no!
The reason he said no is coz he new she had a bf and new it was wrong.

Ive seen hundreds of stories like that on another infidelity forum so that crap does not wash with me.

I dont believe for a second you cant say no. Whatever!

[michelle23]

Im also confident that if a girl stripped naked in front of my bf hed tell her to **** off.

[smackie9]

Michelle, guys naturally have an insanely stronger sex drive than we do, that's why you struggle with this, because you just can't know unless you are a guy. A large percent or men would go for it if they knew they could get away with it if the opportunity "strongly" presented itself.


Imagine at your horniest, now multiply that by 100 time more, and that is how a guy feels. PC master is right, at times natural urges are stronger than rational thought.