Me and my friend have feelings for each other but big problems

[st66]

Hi there, I have an ongoing problem with a girl I met about 4-5 years ago and really need some impartial advice as it becoming very hard to live with.

We met through a friend and got on well from the start but didn't really see much of each other but I always had a soft spot for her and think likewise.
Then after a while she met a friend of mine and they started to go out, she like it as he worked away so as she was young she has the best of both worlds. e carried on becoming closer and closer over the years and over the last 2 have become very close. They split up last year for 6 months but recently have gotten back together, I have since learnt that not a day went by while they were split up that he didn't contact her hassling etc, they started seeing each other late last year and more things happened which meant it ended again but since Christmas they have been back together.

No here comes the kicker while they had split up and before while he was away with work for weeks/months we became inseparable and the feelings on my end grew so very quick.

I built up the courage to tell her before Christmas how I felt and never expected the respond I got, she said she had feelings for me as well and we were more than friends but because of the situation it could never happen. He is a very jealous and sort of controlling person, if she doesn't answer the phone straight away he keeps ringing, gets annoyed if she isn't at his beck and call. when they are out she gets moaned at for talking to people etc or not showing him enough attention.

She has told me she loves me on many occasions over text, phone, in christmas/birthday card etc which has happened for a long time, even as recently as 2 weeks ago while we were out together, boyfriend as well she was trying to get me to do something and said when your mine you'll do that, as well as saying she loved me etc, I asked her about that and she said I know what I said and it was meant but knows she shouldn't of said it.

We know everything about each other she is the one I want to tell everything and she the same, although it's changed a bit over the last little while because although we have never hidden our friendship to anyone and nothing has happened, apart from a few kisses (pecks) she even did the other week. The boyfriend is now wary of how much time we spend together and says friends don't spend that much time together, don't text every day, speak on the phone so I'm loosing her a bit buy trying not to, but understand some of it has to happen.

She also tells me when the have fallen out which does happen quite a bit that she knows only she can change things and get out but she is to worried of how much hassle she will get and also what other people will thin because they told her not to go back in the first place but she admits she does want to be with him but is holding out for it to go back to how it was in the start but that won't happen. Any problems and when he is horrible to her she just ignores and gets on with it because it's easier.
I am a bit older than her, I am 33 and she is 23 but have never felt like this about someone before, she is the one and although I would never try to split them up because he is a friend although I wouldn't class as a close one now but my hope is that if they were to end in time we could be together!
I can't ignore the fact she admits she has feelings for me and that part/lot of her agrees that she should be with me.

I have no idea how to go about things, I can't step back because the fear of loosing her is unbearable but can't keep going on like this feeling completely down about it everyday, advice please

Kind Regards

[michelle23]

Right I only read the first paragraph. I am sick of these stories.

You and she are having an emotional affair and until she is single again you need to stay the **** away from her. If she decides to leave him-then she is free to do whatever she wants but until then you need to back off and leave her alone. You cant be "friends" so tell her to stop talking to you unless she is single again!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should keep being her friend and wait for her.

[michelle23]

I think that is a joke by the way ^^

[st66]

I think that is a joke by the way ^^

Oh really? Well if it is a joke then that's really helpful and not what I expected to get back.
At least your response was honest, I do appreciate your reply by the way, thank you for taking the time to respond.
Your probably right but easier said than done.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Absolutely not. I think if he shows that he is the patient man that she needs in her life, she'll see him as her knight in shining armour and fall head over heels for him.

[michelle23]

lol I still think your joking.

OP right now you are her emotional tampon, gay best friend, male girlfriend-whatever you want to call it and that is what you will stay as long as you stick around and pretend that you and she are just "friends". Or if she dumps him for you-you will just be a rebound and you will get hurt.

She needs to dump him because she is unhappy (not because she has you as a plan B) and then she needs to take some time out to heal, to get strong again (at least 6 months) before having another serious long term relationship.

It really is that simple so you need to let it go now. If you and she are meant to be-who knows? Maybe youll bump into each other at a party a year from now, both be single and decide to date. Or maybe youll forget her and meet the love of your life next month.

It doesnt matter, she is taken and she cannot give her whole heart to you while she is with someone else so just stop this little fairytale and move on with your life.

[pcmaster]

Seems to me like shes more emotionaly stronger than ya. But you just think of her in first place forgeting to take what you need. Basicaly if you put someone above you then like michele said "emotional tampon" you become. She will give you her worst cause thats what you are taking.

So make it at least equal, dont be afraid to lose her. Cause you know she is your dream girl and when you afraid to lose her she becomes a nightmare. So dont be afraid, take the risks to make it your way and even if you lose her trying to make this nightmare a dream. - You will lose only a nightmare.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

How dare you, Michelle? How dare you.

I believe in the beauty and the triumph of love over all obstacles. Sorry you're so jaded.

[smackie9]

Backup is being facetious because we see this story over and over again. Backup is just telling you what you want to hear friend.

Here's the deal. You go no contact with her....yaya you think this will push her away but it will do the opposite. If you are there all the time for her, then she will not change her situation. At this moment she is emotionally using you as an escape from her BF's bull shit. This tells me she is pretty weak. If you cut her off and go no contact she will panic over losing you. Trust me on this one, it will make her desire you even more. This will push her to get out of this crappy relationship for sure. BUT it doesn't stop there. If she does break up with this dude, you can't be her bitch and always be there for her. You still have to play it kool and make her feel she has to earn your affection and attention. It will be difficult to break your old habit of being a pussy for her, but you have be firm and be a man. Don't give in to her or she will feel secure then bounce back to her ex. You make her prove it's over between her and her ex....so you may have to work this for a few months while he tries to get her back. If you keep that fear of her losing you forever, you will have control over her.

[michelle23]

How dare you, Michelle? How dare you.

I believe in the beauty and the triumph of love over all obstacles. Sorry you're so jaded.

haha! funny

[st66]

I thank you for your comments, they do all make sense which is even more confusing lol
I do know what i have to do it's just how to do it, take the feelings out we are best friends but as you say I think there is no way we can be just friends, she said the other night she doesn't even like referring to us as just friends. I have to try and work towards not needing her in my life all the time and accepting that even with time apart our feelings may be there for later in life if meant to be.
That hardest part is letting go and trying to ignore the fact she feels the way she does.

[smackie9]

Dude all you do is go no contact and before you know it she will be eating out of the palm of your hand.

[michelle23]

Ya I agree with smackie. Stop all contact with her. If she tries to get in touch-tell her "you have a bf, this is wrong and I cant be your "friend" anymore so dont contact me again". If she really wants you she will dump him and come running.

Once she comes running you tell her "its too soon, I dont want to be a rebound" come back to me in 2 or 3 months when your 100% sure" and tell her not to contact you until then.

If she really does want you-it will happen eventually but you do need to pull back some of the power coz right now she has it all.

[pcmaster]

Yes this worked well for one of the guys. Girl get back after few months and was changed for better.