Need Advice

[animallovr]

I have a serious boyfriend of about 2 1/2 years. I love him very, very much and he loves me, he tells me so all the time. We met in college and even though we did not get together right away we had instant chemistry.

I believe he is the "one". I melt from his touch and I love everything about him. We are at the point when we are talking future. He is hinting at getting engaged. We are both pretty conservative although we both had a "party" phase at college, he was in a fraternity and I had a circle of girl friends who'd I'd go out with and drink and dance and also go to parties with.

Now that we are talking about the future, I made the mistake of asking him about his past relationships. I knew that he was with a few girls and that he had a fairly serious girlfriend before me. For some reason I wanted to know more. During the discussion, he of course asked me about my past. We had only teasingly had this conversation before and never took it to a serious level or discussed any specifics. During the conversation, my BF, mentioned that one of the traits he admires most about me was that I was conservative and that I wasn't promiscuous. This is true, I have only slept with one other guy, a boyfriend who I dated for about 5 1/2 months and who I fell very, very hard for early on in college. I got dumped by this ex BF and was very, very hurt at the time.

However, I did have a one night encounter with a neighbor before I started dating my BF. I was at this neighbor's party, we had been friendly for a while and he kissed me. I ended up going up to his room and we fondled each other (I was very drunk and a little stoned at the time, which is no excuse). This guy told me he wanted to go down on me and I let him. That's where it ended, he wanted to me to sleep with him but I said no and I didn't do anything to him.

Now the problem. As we were discussing pasts (again really my fault for starting down this path) my BF mentioned that he could never see himself ending up with a girl who had a one night stand and that this would be a "deal breaker" as far as marriage is concerned. I almost broke down when he said that, he wasn't saying it about me just in general. He doesn't think that I've ever done anything other than with him and the previous BF I mentioned.

My BF is not a hypocrite, he has never had a ONS. My question is would you consider my hook up a ONS even though I didn't sleep with this guy? I have to tell my BF about this, I am always honest and wouldn't feel right not telling him.

I'm very worried and scared right now. I know he loves me very much but he is very, very resolute about this concept. I'm literally shaking while I type this, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[peanut924]

He is not making any sense. You have only had sex with one boyfriend and one other person. Is your boyfriend living in a dream world? What difference should it make? You're not promiscuous and have really only been with one other person. Your boyfriend needs to grow up and smell the coffee. He has someone who loves him and he will let the fact that you had a brief encounter with one man stop him from wanting to marry you? Maybe you should look for a more realistic person. Your boyfriend and his need is ridiculous.

[michelle23]

You are worrying over nothing OP. You didnt have sex with that guy-you stopped it before it went that far. You dont need to tell your bf about it as it was nothing. Me and my bf are honest with each other about everything but I didnt bother telling him about my first bf who felt my boob once lol when I was 15.. Those small details are really not important and I dont think hed think any less of you if he did no that. You have been together for over 2 years, he loves you, he knows your not a slut and he respects you. Stop worrying about it

[animallovr]

Thanks, I'm not sure if this will be an issue or not as I have not told my BF yet. I don't consider this brief hook up to be a ONS as I didn't do "it" with this guy, but it was intimate and it shouldn't have happened. I'm just concerned my BF is going to be upset because we were friends at the time.

[animallovr]

Thank you for the reassuring comments. I guess I'm scared because I am the one who opened this Pandora's Box about pasts. My BF has been very, very honest with me (I know a lot about him as we had the same circle of friends for much of college and I had heard a lot of what he's told me before) and quite frankly I feel obligated to do the same. I don't consider the encounter I had with this other guy to be "sleeping" with someone but it wasn't nothing either. That's where I get concerned about how my BF will react. I know he loves me and I may be worrying about something that will amount to nothing, but then again I'm not 100% sure what he'll say.

[Valixy]

No, you shouldn't tell your boyfriend about it if you're not comfortable speaking about it. You decide how much of your intimacy history you share with your current partner and some things are better to be left unsaid. The less you share the best actually, especially because that guy was not nor is he important to you.

You had one serious relationship you told him about and one night when you lost control a bit and you can keep this for yourself if that's what you would like to do. Maybe you shouldn't be very friendly with that neighbour from now on, don't spend time with him or go to his parties and don't encourage any friendship between your boyfriend and him.

And relax and enjoy your relationship

[Heart Healer]

Hi animallovr,

You and your man are in a very beautiful relationship since quiet a long time and your words there where you said you love him very, very much leaves no doubt that this relationship has turned out to be a really good affair.

If there is so much of love from both the sides, there is nothing to worry about it. All you got to do is, talk with your man and make him understand that you were dumb that you did all of this, and there is nothing that makes you feel proud about. Make him understand that he really matters to you and if he forgives you with what happened with you long ago, you promise to stay dedicated to him all your life being a really honest, loving , caring wife and a great mother.

Talk to him and tell him that you really don't want to loose him and he shouldn't punish you for being honest with him before getting engaged. You could have hided it from him but you didn't because you don't want to build a relationship with him based on a lie.
Just feel sorry for what had happened with you in the past and try to gain a lesson from it. Sex is not always what you need. You will get it when the time is right and demanding. Its natural and will come along your way someday for sure. But if love leaves you, its really hard to find it back, my dear friend.

So, instead of regretting on what you did then, you should make sure you don't indulge into any of such acts again in your future and stay really committed to your boyfriend.

I am sure he will understand your feelings and will forgive you for whatever knowingly or unknowingly happened with you in the past.

All The Best !!!

[animallovr]

Just to clarify the situation I mentioned didn't happen while I was dating my BF, it was before. I would never, ever be unfaithful to my BF. Also, I don't live near this neighbor any longer nor do I have any contact with him at all.

Since I didn't actually sleep with this guy or do anything to him (the neighbor) but he went down on me (so sorry if this is too graphic) do you consider this having "sex"? Would you include in your definition of a ONS as hooking up that stops short of sleeping with someone? I'm kind of at a loss for how to explain this to my BF.

I also know I don't have to explain it and I could keep it to myself, I understand Valixy's comment about not sharing everything. The problem is that I started this discussion about pasts and my BF has been extremely honest with me and I can confirm most of what he has told me due to our long friendship before we were together and our mutual friends. I feel like if I don't come completely clean then I am betraying his trust, it doesn't seem fair that I started this whole thing and then he has completely opened up to me and then I don't do the same for him.

[animallovr]

Well it looks like we are gong to finish the "talk" about pasts tonight and I'm pretty worried. I have thought about this a lot and have decided to tell my BF everything. He's been so honest with me I feel that if I don't I'd be betraying his trust. He still thinks that there is nothing more that he is going to hear from me so telling him about this brief encounter may shock him, I'm not sure. I also thought about not telling him but the problem is that we have a lot of the same friends, both girls and guys, and some of our friends know about this and it there is a possibility, although small, that it could get back to him either way. If it did get back to him and he found out before I told him I think that would really upset him so rather than take that chance I'm just going to tell him.

[_Richard]

I genuinely don't believe that it's important for partners to know all about each other's previous relationships (romantic or sexual). What's important is the present and the future

You didn't do anything wrong with that other guy. It wasn't immoral, no one got hurt. Even if you had slept with him it wouldn't make you a bad person. It's very easy for someone to say they'd never have a one night stand if they haven't actually had the opportunity. "Virtue never tested is no virtue at all".

I don't think you are obliged to tell your boyfriend about this incident but if you do and he really does love you then he should be able to do deal with it.

It happened before you were together. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad or guilty about.