Am I in denial?

[Maximus89]

Hello all

I've just had a very weird break-up and I'd like your advice.
We've been together for 1.5 years, and we were growing apart. That brought a vicious circle of irritation, me paying less attention, her being more easily annoyed, paying less attention to me, which lead to me being more rude, etc.
The reason the tension was high lately was because she felt neglected and shut herself off, and I was too busy getting pissed at the fact that she was shutting me off because I was trying. We ended up having less and less to talk about, knowing nothing about each other's lives, and sitting on the couch together like far acquaintainces. And finally, she broke it off because he felt I never payed attention to her, never listened, and showed little interest and respect. Which is a pretty harsh accusation. The listening part is true, I'm not the best listener. But the frustrating part is, I really genuinely love her, want to know her, want to know what's going on in her life, and want to listen, but when I try to show it to her we either get into a fight or something goes wrong. But when she already broke it off, she gave me tons of reasons how I could do it better, and how to actually talk about her feelings and how to actually show I care. Now I tried a few of those things with her (we were good friends for 5 years before the relationship and still are trying to be friends) and I actually get her to open up a bit and talk. But this somehow gives me hope. Because the whole thing was that she felt that I neglected her, didn't show her I loved her, and didn't show interest or respect. All of which I wanted to show because I have lots of love respect and interest for and in her. So now I found a way to show it, I get a glimpse of hope that if she sees I have a different approach and actually can EXPRESS the things I feel and think towards her she'll take me back. Our whole problem was communication, and I think I've found a way to solve it. Do you think I'm just in denial, and should leave hope? Because I still want to treat her the same way, I always have interest in her life and if I can treat her the way I always wanted to, even as a friend, I think I'd be content, but I really want her as a girlfriend/life partner/even maybe wife, because I really do love her and there's never been a better partner for me.
Please think along, I really have trouble organising myself and my feelings.

Cheers

[VincenzoG91]

The fact that she is coaching you now on how to interact with her is some cause for hope. She wouldn't bother if she was really done with you. But what kinds of things were you two fighting about?

[Maximus89]

We were fighting about very silly stuff, like who should get the trash out or who left the window open, which was mostly the last drop in the bucket of neglect.
She switched lifestyles, first she was a fulltime student, which involved skipping all classes, studying at home, and getting straight A's, she had much more time for me then, and texted me constantly, gave me loads of attention, etc, and I returned it. Then she got an internship and was busy most of the day. I still gave her attention, but expected too much in return, so she started pushing me away, which started a well know circle. That way I was thinking "*** her, you don't give me attention, so why should I care". Being very selfish. That went on for a few weeks, then we broke the circle, I appologized, but the tension was there still. She was still pushing me away. So even if I did try, she would respond very briefly, like I was anooting her. Lucky for me she only mentioned now that was her cry for attention, an invitation for me to dig deeper. When it was too late. Also, as I said, I am not a great listener. and by saying not great I mean not great. I do listen quite well, in fact, most of my friends (and exes) react in range of "you're ok, here a few tweaks" to "you're one of the best I've talked with". And miscommunication is always around 50-50 someone's fault. But every time we talk and I remember something wrong, or interpret something wrong, she blames me for not listening, even if her explanation was bad or she missed something. and I get pissed because that's unfair, and start defending myself, and she gets madder because I don't focus on the problem and defend myself and try to turn the problem around. And then I defend myself for not doing that, try to focus on the problem, but mostly interpret that wrong or she isnt clear enough about it, and she gets pissed again for not listening to her. So we have very short fuses which each other.

[michelle23]

Improve your communication skills. V important if you ever want a successful relationship

[pcmaster]

Basicaly you tired from eachother. Living together is not easy.

[Maximus89]

@michelle
That wasn't the question. I said I'm working on these skills, and she gave me a whole lot of tips about how she wanted to be approached, and also told me what she wanted "all this time". I'm working on improvement, I just wonder if I do have a chance in this if I improve or that I'm just kidding myself

@pcmaster
we weren't living together, she was here few days a week. We got tired indeed. So I guess this break up takes the pressure off a bit

[Maximus89]

Improve your communication skills. V important if you ever want a successful relationship

That wasn't the question, I'm improving the skills as we speak. and she gave me alot of tips on how to do so, and what she wanted from me "all this time". Question is whether I'm just fooling myself thinking this will work out if my communication skills improve, or that this actually has a chance.

[Maximus89]

Basicaly you tired from eachother. Living together is not easy.

we weren't, she was here a few days a week. But I think this will take the pressure off a bit, because we were getting crazy from each other indeed

[smackie9]

The honeymoon period of your relationship is over, and you see what's really there....boring! You can talk about it all you want but guess what...the feelings have worn off, and your relationship got stale, it's done, that's why she isn't clear...there really isn't a problem.....it just got old with you two. You spend way too much time with each other, and don't go out and do enough of your own thing. Time apart might be the healthiest thing for you two. Go and date other people and stuff, that might clear things up.

[smackie9]

Basicaly you tired from eachother.

agreed.........

[Maximus89]

It's not that our feelings died out, it got less passionate, but it didn't leave or anything. Point is, should I stick to the plan or just leave it?

[smackie9]

I guess you are not really seeing it. How you were as a person was never an issue in the beginning, but of late it is and she is trying to make you into somebody else because she is now unsatisfied. Unsatisfied because well the feelings have dissolved....this is a natural thing....it happens to everyone. Changing and doing all this stuff isn't going to "rekindle" those feelings again. Sure you still care about each other...but you are not in love anymore.


People just grow apart, life changes you, changes what you like, where you want to be, how you look at yourself, and how you see others.....

[Maximus89]

It was an issue, she just payed less attention to it because she had happy rainbow vision on :p but the vision faded, and the problems weren't ignored anymore.

[Chante]

Hello all

I've just had a very weird break-up and I'd like your advice.
We've been together for 1.5 years, and we were growing apart. That brought a vicious circle of irritation, me paying less attention, her being more easily annoyed, paying less attention to me, which lead to me being more rude, etc.
The reason the tension was high lately was because she felt neglected and shut herself off, and I was too busy getting pissed at the fact that she was shutting me off because I was trying. We ended up having less and less to talk about, knowing nothing about each other's lives, and sitting on the couch together like far acquaintainces. And finally, she broke it off because he felt I never payed attention to her, never listened, and showed little interest and respect. Which is a pretty harsh accusation. The listening part is true, I'm not the best listener. But the frustrating part is, I really genuinely love her, want to know her, want to know what's going on in her life, and want to listen, but when I try to show it to her we either get into a fight or something goes wrong. But when she already broke it off, she gave me tons of reasons how I could do it better, and how to actually talk about her feelings and how to actually show I care. Now I tried a few of those things with her (we were good friends for 5 years before the relationship and still are trying to be friends) and I actually get her to open up a bit and talk. But this somehow gives me hope. Because the whole thing was that she felt that I neglected her, didn't show her I loved her, and didn't show interest or respect. All of which I wanted to show because I have lots of love respect and interest for and in her. So now I found a way to show it, I get a glimpse of hope that if she sees I have a different approach and actually can EXPRESS the things I feel and think towards her she'll take me back. Our whole problem was communication, and I think I've found a way to solve it. Do you think I'm just in denial, and should leave hope? Because I still want to treat her the same way, I always have interest in her life and if I can treat her the way I always wanted to, even as a friend, I think I'd be content, but I really want her as a girlfriend/life partner/even maybe wife, because I really do love her and there's never been a better partner for me.
Please think along, I really have trouble organising myself and my feelings.

Cheers

Do what you feel comfortable with now and what you can live with in the future. If this a relationship that you want and feel it is right for you then pursue it. Be thoroughly honest with yourself and her about what you want and your expectations. Focus on the positive potential outcomes. I hope this works out for you.

[overanxious]

while me and my ex still had really great moments/times together and shared everything with each other...we had the same problem....silly fights over nothing....and when wed fight shed say "sometimes i wish things were like they were when i lived at my aunt lisas"....which was when we first got together...everything was new and exciting and so cute.....those were truly special times....even when we lived together we had great times....but after 2.5 years i think we got sick of each other...we still communicated frequently but its like tension was rising...it sucks because things were so good and went to shit fast......shed even say after we broke up and she had a new bf "i miss the old us from two years ago"..."i hate that we were best friends"..." i hate that you know me better than anyone even my own family"....

its sad because we were family friends for years....she was 6 years younger than me...and always had a crush on me since we were kids....and her uncle always tried to get us together....she used to talk about me to her family all the time(even though she barely knew me) and they would tease her about me......one day i messaged her to come visit and she was so excited.....sometimes after wed fight and makeup shed say "when you messaged me i yelled to my mom 'mah guess who just messaged me' and i was so excited"......it was great for so long....but sadly things fall apart for reasons you cant even figure out