Moving and breaking up...

[deftriver]

So, I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, before we started dating we talked about me taking a room in his apartment, and I moved in a month after we started dating. I've never really liked it here and am moving out. In the meantime we will be staying in his room to save money and because there's someone else who needs the room. The plan is for just a month. My problem is that I feel like my boyfriend doesn't give me affection of the type that I need, that being physical affection. Sure he'll cook and does drive me to work most of the time, but I need physical affection. What's more is that we both have completely different approaches to argument resolution, and I tend to feel that he's lecturing me and trying to teach me a lesson when we fight, I've brought this up which resulted in him yelling "learn something." He also doesn't have respect for the issues of my past, he has behaviors that trigger things for me, like demanding an apology when he knows that my uncle used to pull my hair and not stop until I would apologize for something. No he's not pulling my hair but being demanded to apologize for something, that when he does the same thing he gives justifications for and therefore bypasses an apology.

Now I know we haven't been together that long, but I have asked him to go to therapy with me, he says that I need to go to individual therapy (something I am doing) and that will make things better. I point out to him that this is him not taking any responsibility for our relationship dynamics since we both need to work on it and he still refuses to work on it in such a way together.

It's so weird, living in the same room and feeling like this man, no matter how much I love him, is never going to give me the things I need. But it also makes me resentful that I do give him what he needs.

I'm not sure how to navigate the next month and a half until I'm supposed to move out, and I don't want to break up with him before I do that but it feels like lying to both of us if I fake it. I'm just really afraid because when I mention our compatibility problems he talks like he's threatening to kick me out. I just need help and support, please.

[Heart Healer]

Hi dear friend,

If you realize, 99% problems can be sorted out if you clearly communicate it with the other party. For a couple like you, a clear communication, exclusive of abuses, quibble and fighting is the only solution. You being his girlfriend has all the rights over him. So, you can politely go upto him, tell him that you need to talk on something urgent and important. Once he is ready and all ears, you both can discuss over it.

Let him know that apart from being such a gentleman boyfriend who cooks and drops you, he should try to establish some physical contacts with you not because you need it, but because its essential for a relationship to develop. Physical relationship involves everything in it. It has more trust and honesty than one which lacks physical element.

So, I feel, you should talk to your boyfriend about this and make him understand that you are also a human being and that you need, you desire for something natural as sex and there is nothing wrong if you are expecting everything from him because he is the only one whom you love. And if this behavior of his continues for a long time, you both will find yourselves in soup.

I hope he understands your words. Try to keep it simple and avoid getting into arguments. Measure your words before you speak them. I wish you luck !!

[deftriver]

Oh, he doesn't have a problem when it comes to sex, I never meant to imply that, it's the rest of the time, he won't do things with me. I mean his friend is having a birthday thing next week and he hasn't even invited me! Instead he's informed me that he has to go to that. He will have sex with me, it hasn't happened in almost two weeks now, because I need the other physical affection that he doesn't give, hand holding, kisses that are't initialized by me, hugs where I don't have to pull his arms around me.

[Heart Healer]

Oh, he doesn't have a problem when it comes to sex, I never meant to imply that, it's the rest of the time, he won't do things with me. I mean his friend is having a birthday thing next week and he hasn't even invited me! Instead he's informed me that he has to go to that. He will have sex with me, it hasn't happened in almost two weeks now, because I need the other physical affection that he doesn't give, hand holding, kisses that are't initialized by me, hugs where I don't have to pull his arms around me.

Okay, sorry I misunderstood it. Well, kissing and hugging comes by nature itself. It might be a reason that he is not comfortable enough hugging you or kissing you in public or whenever you want him to do. There are people who really don't showcase their love openly but they are extremely romantic when they are in their bedrooms behind a closed door.

Still, you can talk about this with him and if he feels really shy, you can initiate things on your own. Like, when he is with friends, you can suddenly kiss him. This will eventually lessen his shyness for having a public display of affection.

For the birthday thing, you need to talk to him and tell him being his girlfriend, you are entitled to accompany him wherever he goes. But yes, don't forget to give him space and his own freedom.
Also, give some more time to your relationship. These things comes with time when other person becomes a little too frank and open with you. Don't worry, he loves you and will not leave you ever. Rest will happen with time.

[deftriver]

He doesn't do it when we're alone either.

[basilandthyme]

I don't know how to suggest you manage the next month - but you DO need to break up with him. The two of you should still be on your "honeymoon" stage, but instead it's all gone pear shaped. There is no greater sign that you being incompatible.

I think it's great that you're doing individual therapy to battle your demons. Though I strongly disagree with the idea of couple's therapy for the two of you - instead I think you have to learn to simply walk away from such a young relationship which already clearly isn't working.

[deftriver]

Thanks for the advice. It's weird but as soon as I wrote this it was like he knew, he walked up and kissed me, he hadn't done that in a few weeks. I don't know, it's just so hard.

[basilandthyme]

One kiss doesn't make up for all the other sh1t that he puts you through.

For what it's worth, his actions of "demanding an apology" has no place in ANY relationship. Even with someone who doesn't have an abusive history! Apologies only have meaning if they are given freely, honestly and without prompting. And we should only apologise if we believe that we were genuinely wrong. They are never to be used simply as a tool for keeping the peace.

What he's doing is more about emotional domination.

Keep up with the therapy and find out why you've tolerated his unacceptable behaviour.

[Boisdevie]

and I moved in a month after we started dating.

Which makes you stupid doesn't it. You moved in after just one month!!! Jeez, you barely knew the guy. Now you're in a crap situation and it's all your own fault. You need help and support? Well sorry dear, we can't make you less stupid which really is the kind of help you need.

[overanxious]

stfu frog.

dude you are just a worthless piece of shit who has nothing going for em huh?

[deftriver]

Wow, I can't stay here now. He just shut things down and told me "Get out of my room." It's unbelievable. I can't take it, he kept making all of these mean spirited comments and I just want to hurt myself so bad right now.

[deftriver]

So he ended up physically hurting me, I text messaged a little the next day in order to come back and get some of my stuff without him there, but haven't talked to him since. Part of me can't believe he would do this, another part feels stupid for not seeing it coming, and still another part wants him so badly.

[smackie9]

We really don't know what you two are really like in person, but I'll take a stab at this. There comes a time when we need to look past the feelings in order to actually see the situation. Wrong move #1, you were living together as a couple only after knowing each other for a month. Living with someone new is a challenge (this puts unneeded stress on a relationship) because really you can't possibly know them in that time to see if you are compatible. You definitely need compatibility if you are going to share everything. Wrong move #2, personal space...I suspect there wasn't enough of that, and he felt trapped, hence pushing you away, arguing, your clinginess and insecurity. Wrong move #3, not believing it wasn't working. There's a reality here...you have learned behavior from your past and it's the cause of the turmoil in this relationship. You know it's bad but you keep recreating it over and over. There is no excuse for physical abuse, but one has to wonder if the abuse started at the other end first.

Go home to your family or a close friend and keep going to therapy.

[deftriver]

Well the move was supposed to be temporary, just a month, then the person who was taking my room fell through and I could keep it...it was only in the last month when he told me he thought I'd move out anyway.

But I asked him several times to look at our relationship because I just felt that we were not compatible, we just have two totally different approaches to conflict resolution. And every time he'd say it could work, I'd point out that it would take work but he was always unwilling to do the actual work.

I don't know, I just want to be with him, but after having spent one night in my car and the next two nights wherever I can I just don't feel safe.

[smackie9]

[QUOTE=deftriver;893568

But I asked him several times to look at our relationship,.....

[/QUOTE]

When will you know when to quit?


read up on co-dependency.