Heavy Hearted Decision--intense subject matter

[Ellecee3]

Hi! I warn you, this is a very heavy topic so read at your own risk. I dated a guy for 4 years. We were very in love, but just knew we couldn't work because we were just too different and immature at the time. We broke up about a year ago and have been on and off of good and bad times. Recently, we had been getting along better than ever and really making progress in our friendship. However, a night about a month ago, we hooked up, without protection and I ended up becoming pregnant.

This was the last thing either of us wanted. We have no plans of getting back together. We live in different provinces and have completely separated lifestyles. We still fight, and we still do not want to get back together. At first, he suggested getting an abortion but is now pro wanting to raise the baby together. I am completely split. I am 24 and will be 25 when the baby arrives and he will be 28. We both are university graduates with steady jobs. However, there is still so much that both him and I want to accomplish that will be made impossible if we have a baby. I still have a great amount of love for him, but I just can't see him and I ever working it out and I would never want to have a baby with someone that I have a completely romantically loveless relationship with, not to mention be a single mom. How can I justify having an abortion when I am fully educated, old enough and have an extensive history with the father? Yet, I am not ready to give up on my dreams and goals and ambitions yet.

This is not a political issue nor a spiritual or religious issue, I'm looking for good, honest answers from people who have a smart and constructive view of the issue and the best way to deal with such a situation. If you're going to be rude or derogatory, please do not waste your time as I will just delete your post.

Thanks.

[Ann S]

"I ended up becoming pregnant
This was the last thing either of us wanted. We have no plans of getting back together."

This is an unfortunate situation. Have you considered putting your baby up for adoption? I don't know about Canada, but many people unable to have children would love to adopt. So that is one option.

Another option is an abortion. YOU need to figure this out. You have given many well thought out reasons for NOT having this baby. I didn't read one good reason for keeping it.

The last option is keeping the baby and raising it. But I have to tell you, your life will change dramatically, YOU will be the one with most of the responsibility, and your dreams will be put on hold for who knows how long. Being a parent has it rewards, but it also comes with sleepless nights, worry, and putting yourself last.

I would never be so presumptions to advise you what to do. But again, I haven't heard one positive thing about keeping the baby.

I wish you well. Ann

[HeartIsAching]

Having lived in that situation... I would not suggest trying to rear a child together. A baby will not bind you together, in fact it will probably promote resentment from one or both of you.

I'm also not generally a fan of abortion as a birth control method... is adoption out of the question?

[Boisdevie]

I'd go for abortion. And then stop being so ****ing stupid and use contraception. I understand in even third world countries like Canada it's available.

[TablesandChairs]

You made a mistake. That's the only justification you need, unless you're particularly religious. A child is hard enough to raise even when the conditions are right, let alone when they're not and it will place strain on everyone involved...especially the child. My friend is currently a single mum - she split up with her partner when she was 2 months pregnant. They now have shared custody and it's a nightmare - the dad is uncooperative and the child (now a toddler) is very confused, having to get used to two very different parenting styles, living arrangements and arguments between mum and dad (they disagree on everything). I wouldn't under-estimate how difficult it is to raise a child on your own (or in a shared custody agreement) but ultimately, you need to decide whether you a) want to my a mum and b) can handle things on your own should it come to that. It goes without question that many of your plans will need to be placed on hold if you decide to have the child and you have to be okay with that. While the media leads us to believe that we can 'do it all', the reality for 'normal' people who don't have 3 nannies is that parenting is hard, time-consuming and life changing and unless you have amazing support at your disposal, you'll be doing most of it yourself.

[Valixy]

The best option would be for you and the father to succeed to find and feel the love in order to continue together with this.

If not, I suppose your answer depends on how you experience your pregnancy, because there are women that start feeling tremendously attached from the moment they realise they're pregnant and others who do not create such a connection until months further during pregnancy or when the baby is born. Maybe that's why abortion is easier for some and inconceivable for others. Then women who could decide for having an abortion would not even consider the possibility of adoption and vice versa.

I know a few girls who decided for an abortion and they either continued with their partner and had children at the time they considered right or they are with new partners and have their babies now. Also girls who despite all the odds decided to have the baby and ended up forming a happy family with the father even if this didn't seem possible at that time. I don't know anyone personally who gave her child for adoption.

[Rowen]

Having lived in that situation... I would not suggest trying to rear a child together. A baby will not bind you together, in fact it will probably promote resentment from one or both of you.

I'm also not generally a fan of abortion as a birth control method... is adoption out of the question?

^ The man has hit the nail on the head. I agree fully with this post.

I would have the child, if I were you, and put it in the care of adoption. Most often, there are tons of couples who would be willing to give the child a suitable home and the love and support the child needs. These aren't just limited to people who live the dramatized television life with the million dollar job; a lot of the time, it's just people who are either sterile, or for some other reason cannot have a child of their own. Not to mention that a lot of times the couples who are looking to adopt are looking for babies instead of older kids.

So, my belief on this one is why would you abort a child when you can make some couple very happy to receive this life?

[vashti]

Children deserve to have two parents that love one another and are working together to build a life for them. If this isn't you, then (considering your age), I would consider adoption.

[pcmaster]

Adoption is total BS. So many parents been giving away their kid just to after year or two ending up finding it and take it away.

You shouldnt even give life to a kid if you give it away. Its like giving away part of yourself.

[Wakeup]

This was the last thing either of us wanted.

Begs the question why you would have unprotected sex then while not being on birthcontrol pills. O.o

Have your abortion. There is no need to be bringing another child into the world to a single mother who "hasn't finished realizing her dreams and goals." None whatsoever. I have an adopted friend who has been searching for her birth mother for 40 years and when she finally found her, she found out she was the product of an adulterous affair and her birth mother shut the door in her face because she didn't want her current husband knowing about her first born.

In future if you lose all common sense due to sexual in-the-moment black outs. Remember that there is always the morning after pill.


Good luck. Figure it out quick. What does your parents suggest you do? Have you included them in on this life altering decision you currently are obligated to make?

[Starnique]

In my opinion, you made a mistake, you're a grown woman and you need to just handle your responsibility. I don't think you should do adoption because its so many children out there already waiting to be adopted and if you can afford to and are stable enough to raise your own baby, then you need to do it. I think adoption should be for emergencies or other bad situations and I don't think yours is in that category. Yes its ideal that you and the father are together but there is no reason why you two can't sit down and get over your differences and be good parents to your baby whether you two are together or not. That's my take on it if you are not going to get the abortion.

[animallovr]

Please think very hard about this situation and the choice you make. Abortion is permanent, there is no going back. It involves taking a life, even if that life is not yet developed.

I won't get into the spiritual or religious realm but consider that strictly speaking science states that life begins at conception.

Raising a baby as a single mother and delaying your dreams and ambitions is clearly the difficult path here. Often times the correct path is the one that we fear the most and is the hardest to take.

You sound like a good person who made a mistake, don't punish the innocent for this mistake. And was it really a mistake to begin with? Perhaps this path is being shown to you because it is the path that you were meant to travel. What if this baby turns out to be...a great peace maker, a gifted scientist who finds a cure for cancer...a teacher who positively influences many young lives...there are so many possibilities. Maybe your path was to help this young life develop into a person who does great things and who helps others.

Please, please don't have an abortion. It will haunt you for the rest of your life, you won't be able to get it out of your mind.

[bcgirl]

There are many ppl that are not able to have children of their own who would love to adopt. Sure there are those that seek out their birth parents, but then there are those who don't and have a happy life with their adoptive parents. Being a single mom is tough, you have to put yourself last. You will have a difficult time dating etc.

[Starnique]

Life is not about dating and finding a man who will take you because you don't have a kid. I know a few chicks that got a kid they have no issues finding a man. Or a man finding them rather. She needs to put what she wants to do first and handle her responsiblilities. Her situation aint' that bad.

[basilandthyme]

I don't think you should do adoption because its so many children out there already waiting to be adopted

Is it the same in Canada as the US? Here in Australia, there are very few children available for adoption.

OP, check your facts before making a decision.