Delayed Broken Heart

[Loot77]

So 31 July 2011, Ben and I break up, we decide that after 8 years of being together that we can't make the effort to make it work.
I feel I should say that I always had trust issues with him as we started off as 'friends with benefits' and a few months in to our relationship I found some VERY dodgy texts on his phone between him and a girl. We had a 6 week separation at about 4 years in, but he won me back. We moved in together etc etc.
On paper we are perfect for each other and had a lot of fun, but I think we got lazy and I was never able to give myself to him 100% because I was always convinced that he would hurt me. He never did, but that's because I kept him slightly at arms length and he was always a very independent person, I felt taken for granted and that he never put me first.
When we broke up, I did feel like it was more my decision, but he never said he wanted to stay together. And I never cried for his relationship, until recently that is. I think that the day split, something in me died, or froze, and I never felt the pain. I was so angry that he had just let me go. I moved out and went overseas for a few months, but we remained friends, and met up occasionally.
In the last few months I have come to realise that I was expecting too much, and whilst he had his faults, deep down we were as compatible as you can get, and I never stopped loving him in one way or another. I know he had a hard time getting over us, but this was during my frozen stage where I felt no sympathy, no nothing, dead inside.
Now he has new girlfriend of about 6 months. I have had a couple of non-special relationships. This has all made me realise that I didn't know what I had when I had it.
We still see each other and 2 weeks ago I went round and we ended up having sex, we weren't drunk and both said we didn't regret it.
But the next week we met up to talk about it, and I basically said I wanted to see if we could talk about making it work, getting back together. He said that he had such a hard time getting over me last time that he couldn't put himself back there.
We have said we will carry on being friends, and I have tried not to get all emotional on him as he has made his feelings clear and I don't want to scare him away from being friends with me.
But I am thinking about him all the time, and crying like an idiot every day. I have no right to expect anything from him after all this time, and I know he has a new girlfriend, but I honestly believe I cannot be happy with anyone else, and know that deep down he thinks we are as compatible as I do, but that he is not willing to put his heart on the line after it took so long to mend it. He is even going away with his new girlfriend on Saturday to New York.
Now the reality of what I lost all those months ago is hitting me, why I have been numb to it all this time, I don't know!

What I want to know is, is there any chance of him changing his mind, or should I move on in case I ruin our friendship??
Please help me, I am going crazy!

[pcmaster]

First of all he have GF and thats what makes him so desirable to you. Hes proved that he can be ok without you and that he dont need you anymore. Thats why hes so atractive cause he is hard to get and not needy. Its like hes not a man who need a woman but the man that women needs.

Anyway you shouldnt even contact him or remember how hes face looks. Thats not heathy anymore. You cant be friends its confusing and will make you remember him when in fact you would be happy not having him on your mind.

Now if you cry then you gona cry alone. Better pick yourself up get back to life let yourself be happy, smile because you deserve to. You feel hes the one because you never really invested emotionaly in other guys since you split up. Turn the love you have for him to yourself and heal.


Take care !

youtube.com/watch?v=KriZHsiiYPg
Here is explained emotional investment


And this is cool song for you
youtube.com/watch?v=qSxyffSB7wA&list=RD02Vzo-EL_62fQ

[Valixy]

In general when people long for a past relationship they tend to be unrealistic and remember the good moments but ignore the bad ones. Maybe there was nothing definite that wasn't working between you two but the fact that you decided to end an eight year relationship then and him not fighting for it proves you were right, it wasn't working anymore and it was the right thing to do.

It seems that you haven't really succeeded to connect with anyone in these two years, so the memory of your most significant relationship comes back to you and you start looking for feelings that were buried and bring them back to life. What has made you as vulnerable as you are right now though is the fact that you were intimate with him and this has created a temporary illusion of a bond you two had but not anymore. You have reactivated your interior connection with him but the reality does not sustain it: he is with someone else now and not willing to give you two another chance. Try telling this to your neurons that 'believed' you were together for eight years and recently remembered all that.

You think that you could have a new happier relationship with him if you both made some effort and some adjustments but chances are it would never work completely for you two since you both already tried for eight long years. Also it's been quite some time since July 2011 and a lot has happened, you feeling you were done with the relationship, moving away, he trying to move on, starting a new serious relationship six months ago, so maybe you should accept when he says that he isn't willing to try again but most importantly, you should recognise that there doesn't seem to be the moment for you two anymore.

Perhaps you blocked the grievance process eight years ago, so if you are dealing now with the loss, which is nothing else but an opportunity of change in your life, give yourself time to grieve, heal and move on, leaving behind this relationship that has enriched you so much and prepared you for a future better one.

[Loot77]

Thanks guys, you speak the truth and you did it very kindly.

I know you are right, I am forgetting the reasons we didn't make it and need to focus on those and let it go.

I know I will be re-reading your replies every time I feel sad, and they will give me strength!
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