My Girlfriend Is Still Hung Up On Her Ex

[_Richard]

Guys

I'm a year (almost) into a relationship that has been beset by difficulty and that has been on and off again and again for a long time.

I love her and want us to be happy but one of the issues that we have is that she is still not really over her last boyfriend. She admits this.

Tonight, we went for a drink and I felt really positive and happy about the potential for us but everything changed when she made some negative comments about someone moving into the area. I didn't know who she was talking about to start off with but then I realised that it's the new girlfriend of her ex, who she can never mention without making a disparaging comment about.

It has always bothered me that she feels a need to be negative about this new person in her ex's life because from my perspective her need to criticize this person means that the relationship bothers her and it leaves me feeling bad.

So, tonight I went from being really upbeat to suddenly being reminded about her ex and that part of her must still be in love with him. She asked what was wrong and I told her. She tried to change the subject and make me feel better and although I didn't want to labour the point or indeed keep thinking about it, it completely ruined the mood and it kept niggling at me.

I've only had one serious relationship before this one, it was my marriage for 20 years and by the time it was over the love had died out. As a consequence I don't miss her and when she moves on to another partner I am pretty certain I won't be jealous. Although that's positive in some ways it does mean that I can't properly empathise with my girlfriend and how she is feeling.

I'm left feeling that I don't want to be second best to someone else and that the knowledge that she is still hung up on this ex will always bother me.

Should I try and be more understanding, to make sure that I'm so good for her that she stops feeling this way about her ex or should I see it as a massive warning sign and be worried about our future?

Thanks for reading.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should dump her or shut the **** up and enjoy it. You'll always be second best to her, because you've already shown you're willing to settle for it. Why should she think you're better than that, if you don't even think so?

[michelle23]

You have to show her what your worth-shift the focus off him and onto you. Be distant and aloof for a bit until shes all over you like a rash

[basilandthyme]

You don't mention if there are children involved - or if your girlfriend and her ex NEED to stay in contact for any other reason. Does the new girlfriend make life difficult for your girl in any way? If so, then her dislike is probably very justified.

However, if there's no reason for them to be in contact - I'd see it as a red flag.

[_Richard]

Just to clarify, there are no children. She has no actual contact with the new girlfriend.


She is still her ex's friend on Facebook and can therefore see stuff relating to the new girlfriend. That's the connection.

I think the main problem is that she's vocalising these feelings. I mean, if she just thought this stuff and I didn't know about it I could live in a blissful ignorance. But she's choosing to say it.

I'm pretty sure she regretted saying it tonight when she saw the reaction but now of course I know that she's still thinking this stuff and it's really bothering me.

[basilandthyme]

Thanks for the clarification.

I think it's alarming that she's still FB friends with him. She's obviously not past the stage of rubbing salt in her wounds.

You're right to be very wary of your girlfriend - and I think it would be wise to tell her that her obvious attachment to him is making you have second thoughts. Talk about this with her. An ideal move on her part would be to unfriend him on FB to facilitate her moving on - but this has to be her idea and not at your prompting.

[Wakeup]

You've been off and on and off and on "for a very long time now." How long is 'very long?' That's reason right there to say goodbye and find someone that doesn't make you feel insecure, someone who doesn't keep an ex on her facebook page "for a very long time now."

Is she your first gf since you and your wife broke up or something? Just wondering why you'd keep bothering to return to someone so many times once it was over the first time if you still feel she loves him more than you? What hold does she have on you that you'd stay (or go back) to someone that you feel isn't into you?

BTW: Has she ever done anything to reassure you? Said something and followed it up with actions to show you that she values you more then her ex and what and who he's currently doing?

[_Richard]

The on/off stuff has been at least six months now.

Yes, she is the first since I left my wife.

I'm not sure it's anything as sinister as a 'hold' that she has on me. I just love her.

We split last week because I couldn't stand how things are anymore and got back yesterday mostly because she got upset (possibly not over me).

She did nothing to reassure me tonight when I said that I didn't see how I could keep going on with her when I love her but she's still hung up on him. That was the perfect opportunity to say 'I'm not still hung up on him, I'm just being stupid. It's you I want'. But she didn't.

I think I need to end it. And for good this time.

[Wakeup]

I think I need to end it. And for good this time.

Well, as hard as it will be, I think so too. Don't waffle this time because you're apparently on the verge of being addicted to the on and off drama that you put one another through. When two people love each other and it's actual "love".. it's never "off and on."

[VerticalMoon]

You've spent more time in this relationship breaking up then you've spent being content with her. That's when you know you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole. If this relationship was able to work, you wouldn't still be having so many problems. You keep hoping for this relationship to be something that it's not. Stop fooling yourself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and hoping to get a different result each time.

[basilandthyme]

We split last week because I couldn't stand how things are anymore and got back yesterday mostly because she got upset (possibly not over me).

So, she guilted you into returning? This relationship isn't fair on either of you. You need (and have every right to have) a girl who's not all hung up on her ex. She needs a guy who's happy and content with her despite her behaviour.

I know I previously said that she needs to unfriend him on her own - but perhaps it's actually ultimatum time. Either she makes an effort to get over her ex - including unfriending him and stopping all forms of contact - or you leave and find someone who's more emotionally healthy. AND DON'T GO BACK ON YOUR ULTIMATUM

[_Richard]

No, she didn't guilt me into returning. She ignored my 'are you ok?' messages for a few days and then sent me one which expanded into a brief but friendly exchange, then next day she said she was feeliing down and could I come over to give her a hug. I went because I love her, not because I felt guilty and I hoped she missed me.

Everything seemed great that night and then next day things were still good until she made those comments about her ex's new girlfriend and reminded me that he's still there in her mind.

Anyway, I think we maybe have the solution already. I took her to work this morning and she could tell I was unhappy. I didn't want to talk about it during such a short journey (just before work) but we ended up having a massive fight which I think may be the final one. She just doesn't get how low it makes me feel and thinks I'm selfish to bring it up when she's trying to hold things together for herself. I really sometimes think that expects me to help her get over him. I can't imagine how little pride a person would have to have to do that.

I sent her an email, in measured but expressive terms (not angry or mean in anyway) explaining how I feel about this stuff but I don't really expect to get a reply. Ultimately I'm not prepared to be someone's back up plan anymore so if she does respond and wants to try again I will take basilandthyme's advice and really lay it on the line.

Thanks guys.

[basilandthyme]

She just doesn't get how low it makes me feel and thinks I'm selfish to bring it up when she's trying to hold things together for herself. I really sometimes think that expects me to help her get over him.

Has she actually SAID that she's trying to hold things together for herself? If so, you may as well save your breath - because with these words, she's very clearly telling you that she's not over him.

And if she's not over him, then she's not relationship material.

[_Richard]

Hello again. There's been no developments, just a lot of thinking on my part.

I don't know if she'll get back in touch but if she does I want to be prepared for it. In the email I sent after our big fight I told her that if she wanted to try again then she had to give up on him and certainly never mention him or her in that kind of way again.

But...I can see that that isn't really enough because it's too easy to say she's done it and just be paying lipservice.

I think basilandthyme is completely right with the ultimatum regarding Facebook, she has to unfriend him so that she can't see what's going on in his life. Same with Twitter and any other platform that she's connected with him. If she's not prepared to do these things then she's not serious about trying with me and if she's not serious then she's not worth me further wasting my time and tears over. Right?

Is that going far enough? This is the bit I'm not sure about. Just how far does one need to go in terms of hiding/removing one's past? For example I know that her laptop is full of photos of him and the two of them together and that her gmail account still has all of the emails they ever sent to each other. Back in the days of love letters and physical photographs you wouldn't expect a new partner to destroy all trace of every previous relationship would you? Or would you? I don't know, I've never been in that position. Would you accept that a trunk or box in the attic might contain remnants of past lives and that as long as your partner wasn't up there going through it and mooning over their ex feel that that was ok?

What would you want to happen to all these digital photos and emails? They are too easy to access right now in my opinion but I'm not certain that I believe they should be destroyed, although deep down that's what I'd like to happen.

[IndiReloaded]

It has always bothered me that she feels a need to be negative about this new person in her ex's life because from my perspective her need to criticize this person means that the relationship bothers her and it leaves me feeling bad.

I'm a gal (sorry) but I agree with you. If you ever cared for someone, you would be happy for them to have found happiness. She may not be in love with him, but she sure sounds kinda bitter. That's almost as bad for your relationship. She needs to let go to enjoy the happiness you have with each other. Tell her this.