A troubled relationship involving depression and drugs

[basilandthyme]

I should add the advice I gave to my daughter.

Background: She has a wonderful relationship with her female best friend. They spend lots of time together and never get tired of each other. They rarely disagree - but when they do disagree, the issue is solved easily and with respect for each other. They also bite their tongue if a rogue comment is not worth getting bent out of shape over.

Anyway, I said to her: When you get a boyfriend, don't accept anything less than the type of relationship you have with this best friend.

[MrProblem]

Wow, you lot have made me realise how bad this relationship is on so many levels. I can't blame the drugs entirely, because we did have good times. I'd say for the first 7 (1 only being together) years everything was bliss. Disagreements were solved with the least drama and we never argued in that time, not once. So nearly 95-5. Which is probably the main reason I took things further with her.

But now, the last two years have been disgraceful.

As for the parents relationship things, I think I may write a new topic on that as I'd love to hear people's advice regarding that issue.

But the realisation that this relationship is wrong on so many levels doesn't shock me. But how do I get out when there are so many joint commitments? Eg. Car insurance, tiny loan, the fact I'd probably annoy my landlord (who is a friend) if I moved out, etc. is there a topic on here anyone could point me to for advice on that?

Thanks.

[MrProblem]

Oh and one more thing, when I do have this chat, do I mention this post at all? Obviously not show her it, but say that a bunch of anonymous people agreed with me...?

[basilandthyme]

Getting out is similar to a divorce. You divide assets and split costs.

If your landlord is a friend, I'm sure he will understand you needing to leave a toxic relationship. And having tenants come and go is part of a landlord's lot. If he can't cope with finding new tenants, then he's in the wrong business.

Joint commitments? Car insurance is simple. The insurance is cancelled and a new policy is taken out by the person who ends up with the car. Or if you sell the car, the policy is simply cancelled.

A small joint loan is also fairly simple. If the loan was for a specific item, the person who gets the item also gets the balance of the loan. Or you can sell the item, pay off what you can of the loan and split the difference. If she gives up enough assets, perhaps you can take on the balance of the loan for her.

It's all about balancing out the assets and liabilities. Though my best advice is that it's better to suffer a bit of a financial loss than to fight endlessly about money. I did this when I left my ex and the outcome was that it was sorted through much more quickly. I was entitled to more than I took, but it wasn't worth going through court. I felt that leaving at a loss was a small price to pay for freedom and not having it drag on forever.

[basilandthyme]

Oh and one more thing, when I do have this chat, do I mention this post at all? Obviously not show her it, but say that a bunch of anonymous people agreed with me...?

No. Even if a group of anonymous people agreed with you, it won't alter her way of thinking. Just tell her that after much consideration, you've come to the conclusion that it must end.

[MrProblem]

Well, I had a small chat this morning after waking up, and finding her sparked out on the sofa due to taking diazepam/Valium (apparently).

I discussed much that was said here, and her response was argumentative, narrow minded and almost as if she's in denial.

'I'm not an addict, I'm depressed, I don't think you understand what I'm going through'

Ugh. Seems a lost cause. But I ended with; if I don't see any advancements with her wanting to improve the way she goes about things, then we're going to have to find a way to split up.

I hope that wasn't harsh, but I'm sick of being walked over.

[HeartIsAching]

It wasn't harsh, but it WAS an ultimatum. You'd better be ready to back it up, because if you don't, she will know that you will retreat from your line in the sand... and your ultimatums will mean ****-all.

[MrProblem]

Oh bugger, was trying to avoid an ultimatum.

[HeartIsAching]

Want to avoid ultimatums in the future? Then don't use if/then statements.

[MrProblem]

Advice taken. Cheers.

[basilandthyme]

Nothing wrong with an ultimatum if you're at the end of your tether. And especially nothing wrong with it if you're dealing with an addict.

If you've issued an ultimatum, she can't come back saying that she had no idea that you were unhappy and she would have changed X and Y. Issuing an ultimatum works very much in your favour. But as HIA said, you can't go back on it - or else she will continue to walk all over you.