Obsessed controling boyfriend keeps dumping me

[brazilianuts]

This may sound like a mexican soap opera, but its the story of my life.

I met this guy online (he's 31 and a musician from up north), I'm a 32yr old air hostess who lives in london. We met online in 2011, after I saw one of his gigs ( I added him on fb, although he swears he had added me ages ago). We were very good friends, we used to flirt a bit and all that.
He is very shy, and it took him over a year to ask me out. When he finally did, we started dating straight away. He seemed to be in awe of me since day one. Soon after we started dating I noticed he was a very jealous insecure person (he thinks he's a bit fat, but I think he's gorgeous and keep telling him so every single day) he's always saying things like: "I'm sure you're gonna find someone else better than me" or " You're too gorgeous, why are you with me, what makes me so special?".. His jealousy was beyond belief. He wanted to know how many boyfriends I've had previously and their names, and who they were. And he was always bringing up my past. In fact sometimes he would say horrible things like: "I cant believe u went to bed with such and such, I cant go anywhere near you now". And if i went away on a trip he would make me take pics of where I was and who I was with. He wouldn't allow me to go out with my crew colleagues for dinner, and if I had mentioned I had been out for a drink with male colleagues he would go into a rage. Sometimes he was very controling too, demanding me to give him my passwords for my phone and facebook, he would have a very good look at all my stuff, then find something ridiculous to pick on me. Many times he dumped me with a drop of a hat, he would say he wasnt happy with my job or the distance between us (even tho I made lots of effort to see him on a weekly basis). On many occasions after he dumped me, he'd try to make contact again nearly straight away (the longest he's left me was for 2 and a half days) but if I ignored his calls he would kick off and make threats. He admits to being obsessed with me, he watched all of my youtube videos and goes to my facebook everyday. He reads all of the comments my friends leave me and if he doesnt like a comment from someone, he asks me to delete that person. He says that Im allowing guys to flirt with me otherwise.
I only took him back time after time because I loved him (and I still do) very much, and when we are together it's perfect. I can't fault him when we are together. He's lovely, caring, gentle, affectionate, generous, etc...But when we're apart it's chaos most of the time and I'm very stressed out. He says I never puts him first. The other day I told him I had weekend off, so it would be nice to know when he was comming down to London in advance as I was also planning to see a friend. So I could see both of them. He went mental when I said that, told me he wasnt coming anymore. So I went to see my friend, and told him i was going to do so. Next thing I know he calls me up and tells me he is on his way to London, so I left my friend and ran to the station to see him, only to realise it was a lie. He never took the train, he only wanted to see if I would drop anything and everything for him. I only forgave him, because I loved him very much and I think he does things out of love, and he is very insecure, although I tried to make sure he is the only man for me many times. Last weekend we had a lovely time together, we partied a lot but on sunday he was suffering from a massive panic attack and I helped him out. He said it was lovely of me to do so, and asked me to marry him, saying he needed me in his life. I said yes, but we had to sort lots of things out first, like me going part time on my job, and moving up north. Then yesterday he said he loved me and couldnt stop thinking about me. Then this morning he said he's been doing some thinking, and that he is depressed and needs sometime alone. I agreed and told him it would be best if we ended things as everything was very intense. He agreed and wished me all the best. Then he starts txtng me all the time trying to make small conversation and when I refused and told him to leave me alone, he said he was the one who couldn't go on anymore, as I was taking too
much time to make my decisions to be with him, that its a joke that I never made any moves in 6 motnths, and if something was meant to happen (me moving in with him) it would had happened by now.
So Im wondering how can someone who proclaims so much love drop me with a drop of a hat so much???

[Love'sReject]

Because the guy has issues. If you don't want to keep getting dumped, quit getting back with him.

[VincenzoG91]

He doesn't love you. He's an emotionally unstable control freak who abuses you mentally and verbally. It may eventually escalate to physical abuse.

And you don't love him anymore. You know that this relationship is toxic. You're just afraid of being alone. Stop the cycle of abuse by cutting off all contact with this guy.

[brazilianuts]

Do you guys think he could be bi-polar?

[brazilianuts]

I still do LOVE HIM. I just want to scare him off a bit as I've been too much under his thumb since day one. So I'm trying to make him realise he could be losing me for real this time if he's not careful.

He doesn't love you. He's an emotionally unstable control freak who abuses you mentally and verbally. It may eventually escalate to physical abuse.

And you don't love him anymore. You know that this relationship is toxic. You're just afraid of being alone. Stop the cycle of abuse by cutting off all contact with this guy.

[Love'sReject]

Don't even tell him that much: he might use pretty words about "changing" to get you back and then the vicious cycle starts all over again.

[VincenzoG91]

I still do LOVE HIM. I just want to scare him off a bit as I've been too much under his thumb since day one. So I'm trying to make him realise he could be losing me for real this time if he's not careful.

Ah. Then let the games begin.

[brazilianuts]

I just don't understand what goes on in his head. And I dont understand how he can get such a massive hold on me! Maybe I'm obsessed with him as well. =/

Ah. Then let the games begin.

[Starnique]

Leave him alone. He's manipulative and passive aggressive. Emotionally manipulative. I dealt with a guy like that and I was so glad when I left him alone. He would always dig up my past and ask me questions and when I would tell him things he would use it against me. He was such a whiner. Ridiculous. I would be out and he would call and say come over and when I did it wouldnt be shit going on. He just wanted me to himself and he used to try and catch me in lies all the time. It was like he got off on that. ****ing asshole he was. Anyway leave him alone because people like that have issues. Bi polar or not meds or no meds..they still crazy. They don't change because that's the only way they can deal with their insecurities. Move on.

[brazilianuts]

My God,m it sounds a lot like my relationship! =(

Leave him alone. He's manipulative and passive aggressive. Emotionally manipulative. I dealt with a guy like that and I was so glad when I left him alone. He would always dig up my past and ask me questions and when I would tell him things he would use it against me. He was such a whiner. Ridiculous. I would be out and he would call and say come over and when I did it wouldnt be shit going on. He just wanted me to himself and he used to try and catch me in lies all the time. It was like he got off on that. ****ing asshole he was. Anyway leave him alone because people like that have issues. Bi polar or not meds or no meds..they still crazy. They don't change because that's the only way they can deal with their insecurities. Move on.

[brazilianuts]

OMG it sounds just like my relationship! :/

Leave him alone. He's manipulative and passive aggressive. Emotionally manipulative. I dealt with a guy like that and I was so glad when I left him alone. He would always dig up my past and ask me questions and when I would tell him things he would use it against me. He was such a whiner. Ridiculous. I would be out and he would call and say come over and when I did it wouldnt be shit going on. He just wanted me to himself and he used to try and catch me in lies all the time. It was like he got off on that. ****ing asshole he was. Anyway leave him alone because people like that have issues. Bi polar or not meds or no meds..they still crazy. They don't change because that's the only way they can deal with their insecurities. Move on.

[basilandthyme]

Do you guys think he could be bi-polar?

Why do you think bi-polar? Does he have lengthy periods of depression followed by lengthy periods of being so very upbeat?

[basilandthyme]

Let's talk about you then. Why do you love someone who treats you this badly? The basis of love should have the foundations of feeling safe and secure around a person. Tell me, have you ever experienced a healthy type of love?

Fast forward to if you married this man. What type of role model would you be to your children? Would you want your daughter learning that it's OK to be treated this way? Or your son to learn that it's OK to treat a woman like this?

[brazilianuts]

Thanks for ur reply basilandthyme,
Yes, I have been in a healthy relationship before and I do know the difference between healthy and unhealty/toxic relationships. But Im an old fashioned girl at heart and I do believe in Love. I believe he does it beause he really loves me. I only spoke about his bad points because they annoy me and it's easy to just fault someone when you are angy (which I still am)but he's done some amazing things for me as well. And as I said earlier on, it's perfect when we are together. It's just when we are apart that he grows suspicious of me cos he cant deal with the distance between us. He's never treated me badly in front of anyone. I just want to understand him better and help him. I just want to understand why he keeps pushing me away when all he really wants and need is to have me near him!

[HeartIsAching]

It's because what he feels for you isn't love, but ownership. It doesn't sound like you love him either... so why are you with him?