Independency

[MrProblem]

I've noticed this with two partners I've had and it's their reluctance to let me go out with my friends on my own.

For example, I'd rather she wasn't with me and my friends when I have a few beers. I see that time as where I can be an idiot and not have to consider my actions towards my partners.

Another, seeing an old friend and catching up. Why does she feel the need to be there too? And be angry about exclusion.

So, other females, do you respect your partners need for down time, or do you think I'm in the wrong and should include her with most activities?

[Pixie01]

I don't have a problem with my guy going out without me. If we were living together (especially where I have kids so he would be an automatic family guy) than I would have a problem if it was 3-4+ times a week. But I think it is necessary for couples to get out and have some space from each other now and than. I am now single, but when my last boyfriend went out without me, I didn't grudge him doing that.

[toknow]

It seems women are naive about men only when they know little about them. In general, sad to say, men are not as faithful as you would like to believe. Don't underestimate the power of circumstance.

Your girl has a good reason to want to be there. You have no excuse to not want her to be there.

[Wakeup]

Op: Does this resentment of you going out without your past gfs happen during the early stages of your relationship, during the honeymoon period? I ask because normally, if you are with a partner for a good length of time, trust is built, and when trust is built insecurity isn't a part of the picture for people who have a good sense of self-worth and confidence and are'nt walking around with baggage from prior relationships... so you going out without her would be less of an issue if it were ocassionally and not more times then you're with her. If trust has been built between the two of you through time together

Now, If you going to "hang with an old friend" is a female friend, then to me that is disrespectful to your primary partner and it's no wonder you're getting flack for it. If its a male friend then after you've introduced your partner to him, then again that would likely be less of an issue especially if ocassionally she was invited to hang with what would now be your "mutual" friend together.

[MrProblem]

In my situation, the trust is built, there are minimal insecurities, so I really doubt it's from a jealous point of view. And that close friend example was actually a fellow bloke, so again, no jealousy.

I'd rather keep the two separate (friends and partner) to a certain degree. Not completely. I guess I just like my down time away from the day-to-day stuff I do with my partner.

When I say down time, I mean going out maybe once a week maximum.

[Wakeup]

You have an independent way of thinking then, I'd say. You're not thinking interdependently which is what relationships are about. As with everything, balance is key and if you're not introducing your friends to your partner or you're very seldom including her in your "down time" then I'd say it's pretty clear why you continue to have the same problem in every relationship.

... as I said though, balance is key.

[MrProblem]

Really?? Maybe I'm wrong after all then. Hmm. Thanks for your point of view.

I just don't understand because if she goes out with her friends I am more than happy not be part of it. I understand she might need time away. *shrug*

[Wakeup]

Well, as I said, its about balance of couple time and outside interests. I think as time goes on and your partner has learned that you're trustworthy and you have been giving her the majority of your free time, then the "cling-on" in her won't be the prominant gene.

I don't think anyone likes a cling-on... someone who expects you to be their sole means of entertainment. People who don't have any outside interests (IMO) are boring.

[MrProblem]

Yeah, that last paragraph hits the nail on the head for me. She doesn't have many outlets at all and relies on me way too much for her source of social life.

Anyways, thanks Wakeup, appreciate your response.

[basilandthyme]

I agree with what Wakeup writes. But I wanted to touch on the idea of you being "wrong". You're not necessarily wrong - it's more about incompatibility.

There are women out there who think like you do. You can either find someone who agrees 100% - or make some compromise with someone who's mid-way in agreement. But you're not compatible with a women who wants to be with you *all the time*

[MrProblem]

I've learned so much since signing up to this forum the other day. Thank you.

[michelle23]

OP perhaps your embarressed by her and dont want to be seen with her in public?

it is okay to go meet friends without her occassionally but you should be going out with her occassionally too. and you should not be meeting any female friends alone-thats disrespectful to your partner.

i think its bettr to all go out together-me, my bf, my friends, their partners, his friends, their partners etc. then the girls normally do their thing dancing etc and chatting while the lads play pool or whatever.. you dont have to be clung to each other on a night out but its nice to go out together.

but my partner goes to meet his family occasionally after wotk without me and i do the same or meet a friend for coffee etc. its all about balance but in a healthy relationship-your partner comes first and you never do anything considered disrespectful or that would hurt them. its all about building trust and keeping it strong

[michelle23]

there is nothing worse than a cling on. recently i went to a wedding with my partner. one of his colleagues got married and all the lads he works with were there too with their partners. me and 2of the other girls got chatting and had a great night even though we knew nobody but one of the wives stuck to her man like glue and even when we tried to include her-she didnt mingle at all. i felt sorry for him. the rest of them could relax and have a laugh and didnt have to worry bout us but he was bored to tears all night. poor man lol

[MrProblem]

Ah, that makes sense too. When she is with me, she is REALLY with me. Maybe that's why I rather go out on my own? I'd be happier if she did mingle with other people while we were out.

Definitely don't think I'm embarrassed by her or then previous partner.

Another example would be, we went to a friends house as there was a small gathering so I invited her if she'd like to come. These were people I haven't seen in a while so I spent a lot of time catching up. Then I got told off the next day for not giving her enough attention. But, yes, balance is the key.

Thanks

[basilandthyme]

Another example would be, we went to a friends house as there was a small gathering so I invited her if she'd like to come. These were people I haven't seen in a while so I spent a lot of time catching up. Then I got told off the next day for not giving her enough attention. But, yes, balance is the key.

When I first met my hubby, I avoided going to some parties with him because I was left on the outer and he didn't spend time with me. Everyone knew each other and I knew nobody and found it hard to break in.

The compromise was having him help me get to know his friends. Instead of abandoning me, he'd start a conversation and help include me in it so that I'd get to know his friends on my own terms. After a while, I no longer needed him by my side. These days, we can go to the same party and not see each other all night because we're socialising with different groups.

It's great to help her get to know your friends with a view to having her not needing you around. Not so great if you leave her stranded for the night.