My adopted girlfriend has issues that are ruining us. Help

[shethrewitawaay]

First off. I posted on reddit if you want to see full story and comments. its under the same user name as here.

Wow, Background. OK where to start? First she's(25) on Reddit and i(31) know will see this. Throw Away account or not. What I am asking for on here is your similar experience. How did it turn out? What should I do? Is there any way to salvage ourselves? Advice for me? For her? I love her and don't want to just give up on us. It seems she wants to. For more information see posts in R/Adoption and R/Breakups.
She was with someone when i met her. They broke up because she wanted an open relationship. I almost immediately started dating her. I knew she was looking more for an open relationship, and she knew i wanted a monogamous one. Well, we fell in love 4mo in, and I suppose she settled some for me.
I'm not good at communication, and she's worse. Because of this, a minor issue of me being around to much turns into a big problem. She didn't say anything about it. Just slowly started resenting me and pulling away. This has gone on at least the last 2 months, although i can't exactly pinpoint when i noticed her being different. This had been an issue before. On my part I gave her a little space, then we would be together again. She would tell me to stay, and if i would ask her if i should go she would say no. I specifically told her, coincidentally, around the time she probably started resenting me, that i couldn't read her mind, and that i was going to stop asking all the time. I find out later that I was just supposed to go sometimes even when she asked me to stay. So in my mind, this is no issue, yet she is starting to pull away and be distant, and stops filling me in on her life, and starts ignoring texts, and going out all night. I in no way think she cheated, so that's not what's going on there. This happens progressively more as time goes on.
So about 2 weeks ago I came in, (I was essentially living at her place at this point) after work all and was bringing in groceries. She barely acknowledged me, and didn't move to help. I blew up. I had just recently finally found full time work, and prior to this had taken care of everything for her because i had the time. I still took care of most of it even after my new job. I never asked for help. I realize I expected her to read my mind , and know to help.
And then suddenly Pandora's Box opens.
I see it like this: I go away more, get more of a separate life. She doesn't resent me for being around as much. Things go back to normal.
I get this: She throws up numerous topics over the last two weeks. I basically have to sit her down and force her to talk to me. She slowly opens up, and keeps giving BS excuses for wanting to break up. Essentially she threw up a huge smokescreen. After i get through this, she goes right into something that she knows is a deal breaker for me, trying to scare me off. Finally I hit it. I get to the root problem. She has deep seated issues with being adopted and doesn't feel like she can be in a relationship, no matter how badly she wants one. She knows she needs help, but says she's not ready to face her demons. I want so badly to be there for her. She's told me this is the best relationship she's ever been in. I do my best to treat her like a queen. Yet, she wants to abandon me, try to struggle through her adoption issues on her own, and then later maybe have a relationship with someone else. I've told her that I am more than willing to be her guinea pig for her therapy. That I know it will be hard and I can take what she can dish, as long as I know the End Game. That I want her, and this doesn't have to destroy something we both obviously value so highly.
Advice Please.
TL;DR; Girlfriend has been slowly pulling away, and resenting me. I just found out why. She was adopted and has major issues with it. She would rather be alone the rest of her life, (one of her worst fears) than face herself and what makes her so miserable.

[basilandthyme]

I'm calling BS on her not being able to have a relationship because she was adopted. It sounds to me like you won't let her go, so she's creating one excuse after another to get you to accept that she wants out.

But whatever is going on, you're being terribly disrespectful to her by refusing to accept her desire to end things. As broken as she may be, she still has the right to end a relationship which isn't working for her. She shouldn't have to stay just because you don't want to end things. It's time to find your dignity and your respect for her and let her do what she needs to do.

[MrProblem]

It does just seem like another excuse to try and end things. Perhaps she's just beating round the bush to avoid the whole 'look, let's split because we aren't working'. She's being a bit cowardly and should just say what she thinks.

I can imagine being adopted does leave unresolved issues with a person, but I wouldn't see a relationship being one of those? I don't know enough about this subject to form something valid though.

Chin up fella.

[dickriculous]

TL;DR; Girlfriend has been slowly pulling away, and resenting me. I just found out why. I smother her like a psycho-stalker who's had his eye on his favorite rape-victim-to-be for the 20 years he's been locked up in prison.

Fixed for accuracy

[basilandthyme]

"rape victim to be"? WTF? Have I missed something?

[dickriculous]

"rape victim to be"? WTF? Have I missed something?

You're not missing anything, you're just taking the quote too literally. Pay careful attention to the word in bold "smothering her like a psycho stalker who's....."

Make more sense now?

I'm not actually calling him a rapist. I'm using everything that comes after the word "like" as a metaphor to display (I was exaggerating on purpose) that he has been way too smothering and that's what made her - or at least a substantial contribution to what made her - resentful and wanting to leave him.

[basilandthyme]

You're not missing anything, you're just taking the quote too literally. Pay careful attention to the word in bold "smothering her like a psycho stalker who's....."

Make more sense now?

I'm not actually calling him a rapist. I'm using everything that comes after the word "like" as a metaphor to display (I was exaggerating on purpose) that he has been way too smothering and that's what made her - or at least a substantial contribution to what made her - resentful and wanting to leave him.

Sorry dick, I'll have to leave you on your own in that one.

[dickriculous]

So you don't think he's smothering her?

I don't even see how it's deniable tbh

[toknow]

"TL;DR; Girlfriend has been slowly pulling away, and resenting me. I just found out why. I smother her like a psycho-stalker who's had his eye on his favorite rape-victim-to-be for the 20 years he's been locked up in prison."

Fixed for accuracy

This post is like your username, dickriculous. But, I will not take advantage of going into this, it would be too easy.

The issue here is not him smothering her, it's that she feels like he is smothering her. And it does seem like she is trying to pull away.
Just let her go, because this just might be her resisting feeling tied up and not feeling free.

[dickriculous]

This post is like your username, dickriculous

That's how a tongue-in-cheek comment works.

The issue here is not him smothering her, it's that she feels like he is smothering her.

And exactly what does someone have to do for you to consider it smothering?

By OP's own admission he forces her to talk to him when she doesn't want to, won't let her leave, makes up some utter bullshit about how her being adopted and thus having issues is the only reason she wants out and uses it as an excuse to hold her prisoner in a relationship she clearly wants nothing to do with, accuses her of "abandoning" him (lmao) for wanting out of the realtionship...yeah that sounds like smothering to me.

[shethrewitawaay]

ok. so she is very complicated. let me explain a little background, and see if you still feel the same. she doesn't get close to anyone, claims she can't feel for anyone. that somehow she has a fear af getting attached to people because they are just going to leave her. this is by her own admission. second, also by her own admission, her longest relationship in her life was because her bf made them sit down and talk. she is thankful to him. glad he made her deal with the things she didn't want to face herself. she's told me i'd have to force her to talk. so i did. it was at that point. either we were going to talk about what was wrong or break up. you've been there. i call the original problems bs and smokescreen because most of problems either weren't based in reality or blown way out of proportion. i could tell her something and by the next day, she would turn it into something it wasn't. she even tells me she needs therapy for why she can't attach to people. she's done research on her self-diagnosed disorder. i do agree with you that i should have given her way more space. but that's hard when you enjoy someone, and they are asking you to stay. nothing is cut and dry here. there's a little bit of mafia anywhere you go.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She's not complicated at all. She's told you what she wants, plain as day.

If she can't feel for anyone, then she has no reason to fear being attached. She's feeding you bs, because you already know the truth, and you won't accept it. She's given you multiple reasons that she wants to break up. They're all bs, because she probably just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying something like..I don't love you, I never did. Piss off.

Also..she cheated on you.

[VincenzoG91]

This relationship is ending the same way her last relationship ended. She is already seeing the next guy. She tried to break up with you and you won't accept it, so she is moving on anyway. I think the adoption angle is bs, and the real issue is your clingy tendencies. Why are you trying so hard to hold this together? A relationship can't survive when one person wants out and the communication is lopsided. Just let her go and move on. Find somebody who really wants to be with you. And maybe get a hobby or some more friends, so that you don't smother your next girlfriend with attention.

[basilandthyme]

So you don't think he's smothering her?

I don't even see how it's deniable tbh

I guess I'm not putting the blame entirely on him. Yes, he's smothering her - and especially so by not letting her go. But she's got a truckload of issues which she's not getting help for. I think they are as bad as each other.

[dickriculous]

She's not complicated at all. She's told you what she wants, plain as day.

If she can't feel for anyone, then she has no reason to fear being attached. She's feeding you bs, because you already know the truth, and you won't accept it. She's given you multiple reasons that she wants to break up. They're all bs, because she probably just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying something like..I don't love you, I never did. Piss off.

Also..she cheated on you.

This is all 100% true. A LOT of women won't give you a direct breakup where you just tell it like it is. I've seen everything from issuing insane ultimatums she knows her bf won't accept to cheating and deliberately getting caught to every excuse you can possibly think of and more that you would never think of - all to avoid a direct breakup. She is being roundabout and (in her mind) tactful. This isn't something we understand or appreciate as men, women seem like they're from outer space to us because of things like this.

OP you already know what you have to do, you probably knew it before you even made this post, you were just desperately seeking validation for your desire to suffocate the fukk out of her. You won't find any here, if you want to continue to look for said validation then look elsewhere because this place is a waste of your time, and it's a waste of ours if you ask us what to do or what's going on, we tell you, and you don't listen because it's not what you wanted to hear.

I guess I'm not putting the blame entirely on him. Yes, he's smothering her - and especially so by not letting her go. But she's got a truckload of issues which she's not getting help for. I think they are as bad as each other.

Then you don't really disagree with me at all, with the possible exception of the extreme to which he's smothering her. I personally think it's one of the worst cases of smothering and suffocating I've ever seen. This is how I expect a stalker to handle a relationship.

I don't believe this girl is without issues either, hell she could be fukkin toxic for all I know. But even if she were without issues, this degree of suffocating could still ruin a relationship.