Paranoid, or not?

[Indestructible]

As a 24 year old guy that's never engaged in any kind of physical "activities" with a girl, I've always found sex to be, well... Kinda scary. Well, what I mean is, I question how "safe" "safe sex" really is. I'm terrified of ever getting a girl pregnant, and honestly, I don't know that I ever want kids, period. I know lots of people have sex and don't get pregnant, but I've known a handful of girls that have become pregnant unexpectedly. I guess I just don't understand how people get away with it without accidental pregnancies. Are condoms really that effective? I don't know why, but I just can't see how a small piece of latex can be that effective. I dunno... On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it that I have this mentality?

[HeartIsAching]

Condoms are about 96% effective. Birth control pills are about 98% effective. Other forms have varying degrees of effectiveness. I believe depro-provera or the implant is damn near 100%.

Really though you should use condoms until you're in a long-term relationship, as they're also going to help protect you from potential STD's.

[IndiReloaded]

Still making those excuses, ID? Sex is fun and natural. Pregnancy is not a concern with reasonable care for precautions.

[Indestructible]

Still making those excuses, ID? Sex is fun and natural. Pregnancy is not a concern with reasonable care for precautions.

Heh, "excuses"? Eh. I'm not anywhere near having a sexual relationship with anyone, and I don't anticipate I will be any time soon. I have very... odd beliefs and outlooks, when it comes to sex, and I believe my warped mindset on the subject might be a major issue holding me back from dating. Let's face it, relationships, when you're an adult, often involve sex at some point. I'm not "against" sex, and through fantasizing, I can certainly see the appeal, but "fantasy" involves no risk, whereas sex with an actual person involves lots of risk.

Not only that, but I've been pondering the ethical side of it, as well. People on forums like these say I should just go out and date any girls I can, and that'll increase the likelihood of me eventually ending up with someone really special. And that's got me wondering, what if I date a girl for a month or two, and I basically like her, but don't necessarily see her as someone I expect to be with long term; if sex should be "on the table" with this girl, would it be wrong to "have fun" and indulge in that if I don't know for sure that she's someone I could see an actual future with? I dunno.

Condoms are about 96% effective. Birth control pills are about 98% effective. Other forms have varying degrees of effectiveness. I believe depro-provera or the implant is damn near 100%.

Really though you should use condoms until you're in a long-term relationship, as they're also going to help protect you from potential STD's.

Perhaps I've just "heard wrong", but I'm under the impression that most couples in my generation rely only on condoms, and that other forms of birth control are relatively uncommon. I have no problem with the idea of using condoms, but it just seems like a major gamble to only bet on a small little rubber to prevent anything, especially when they're not even 100% effective.

[HeartIsAching]

That's where you're going wrong - you've "heard" anecdotal evidence. Try using actual empirical data.

If you want some anecdotal evidence to the contrary, I've been sexually active for nearly 30 years, and have two children that are 14 years apart... neither of them was conceived on birth control, and I've never fathered a child while using BC.

[michelle23]

Heh, "excuses"? Eh. I'm not anywhere near having a sexual relationship with anyone, and I don't anticipate I will be any time soon. I have very... odd beliefs and outlooks, when it comes to sex, and I believe my warped mindset on the subject might be a major issue holding me back from dating. Let's face it, relationships, when you're an adult, often involve sex at some point. I'm not "against" sex, and through fantasizing, I can certainly see the appeal, but "fantasy" involves no risk, whereas sex with an actual person involves lots of risk.

I think you should get some counselling or sex therapy.

Not only that, but I've been pondering the ethical side of it, as well. People on forums like these say I should just go out and date any girls I can, and that'll increase the likelihood of me eventually ending up with someone really special. And that's got me wondering, what if I date a girl for a month or two, and I basically like her, but don't necessarily see her as someone I expect to be with long term; if sex should be "on the table" with this girl, would it be wrong to "have fun" and indulge in that if I don't know for sure that she's someone I could see an actual future with? I dunno.

I dont believe in no strings attached sex, casual sex or one-night stands but that is me. Its up to you what you want to do and what you think is right or wrong. Personally I think if your seeing a girl a month, like her and want to keep seeing her-then yes you should sleep with her. It could be a year or two before you make up your mind about whether you want a future with her or not and it takes time to figure out if your compatable.

Why does the thought of a baby scare you so much? If your in a loving comitted relationship and happy and an accidental pregnancy happens-you just have to deal with it. Its life. I am on the pill. I know its not 100% but if it happens, it happens.

[IndiReloaded]

I think you should get some counselling or sex therapy.

See, ID. We aren't the only ones telling you this... even the new-ish posters see past your BS.

[pcmaster]

OP it reminds me people who never ride a bike because they afraid to fall.

youtube.com/watch?v=F2ZShmt19uQ

[_Richard]

It sounds to me like you're building up issues about things that haven't happened to you yet.

Take everything one step at a time and don't worry about what's coming next, just enjoy the present.

No-one knows when they first start a relationship how long something is going to last. If you want to wait until you feel like you've fallen in love with someone before you have sex with them then that's your decision. But you won't get to have sex or fall in love if you don't actually date someone in the first place.

Obviously I don't know you at all but the very fact that you feel the need to say that you're not 'against sex' seems strange. Why would you be against sex? It's how you got here after all.

Sex is not the be all and end all but it is one of the very best things about being alive and an adult. Don't get yourself a hang up about it before you even have a chance to try it and if you feel that you might have already done so then therapy or at least talking stuff through with friends might be a good idea.

One step at a time though. Walk before you start worrying about running.

[VerticalMoon]

I think a lot of people really overestimate the effectiveness of condoms. Here's a link from webmd showing the effectiveness of different birth control methods:
http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/effectiveness-rate-of-birth-control-methods-topic-overview
15% of all couples who rely on male condoms alone will have a pregnancy in the first year. A lot of that is probably people not being consistent or putting them on incorrectly. Even if you always use them the way you're supposed to, there's still a 2% chance of a pregnancy happening each year.

I don't know about other people, but 2% was a higher risk than I was comfortable with for a long time. I'm at a point in my life where I could handle that risk now. I don't want kids, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if I got a surprise. Before I was financially stable, though, it felt like too big of a risk. It also didn't help my confidence that my mom had three accidental pregnancies in six years while using condoms. My husband and I were actually a couple for ten full years before we had intercourse because of this.

That's not too say there aren't other options. If you use condoms and hormonal birth control together, the risk of a pregnancy is probably very low. I just don't like to put drugs in my system unless it's absolutely necessary. Most women I know don't have a problem with birth control pills though. I actually know a fair amount of women who rely on both. There's always other methods that carry some risks but are highly effective as well.

I don't think you should let this stop you from being in a relationship. It's just good to educate yourself on the effectiveness of different birth control methods. When you have a partner, it's something you should discuss with them before you have sex. Then you need to weigh the risks and decide whether or not it's worth it to you. Like I said, though, a lot of women I know are okay with using birth control pills. Or you may find someone who's willing to wait until you've been together a long time before going all the way. I'd recommend crossing that bridge when you come to it and not worrying about it right now.

[basilandthyme]

Agree with you the VM. No way would I use condoms alone. Much more comfortable with the pill.

[michelle23]

i think condoms are v effective if you use them correctly. me and my bf used condoms for 2or 3 years and one never ever split. one came off once during drunken sex.

also think birth control pills are effective. im still not up the duff but i take it at the same time eve
ry night...

i think pregnancy shluld be the least of your worries. a lot worse things could happen such as herpes or HIV.. so for that reason-you prob shouldnt sleep around with random people..

[HeartIsAching]

A lot of that is probably people not being consistent or putting them on incorrectly. Even if you always use them the way you're supposed to, there's still a 2% chance of a pregnancy happening each year.

Yes, it's due to misuse of condoms, and it isn't a 2% chance of pregnancy each year, it's a 2% chance each time you have sex when using it properly. That's 1 chance in 50 of getting pregnant each time you have sex - that's how statistics work.

Now, if you're paranoid about pregnancy, you can greatly reduce even that small chance by using a concurrent birth control method. Even one as simple as avoiding sex during the most fertile period of your cycle - while you're ovulating. You can use this: http://www.webmd.com/baby/healthtool-ovulation-calculator to figure out when that is...

Honestly though, that's no fun - that's the period when you're most likely to be randy, so other methods are my preference (or were, I suspect my wife and I don't have to worry about it anymore), such as a spermicidal suppository like Encare, or a sponge, diaphragm, etc.

At the very minimum men should always use a condom with someone that isn't a long term (tested) partner simply to avoid getting or passing on STD's.

[Indestructible]

Why does the thought of a baby scare you so much? If your in a loving comitted relationship and happy and an accidental pregnancy happens-you just have to deal with it. Its life. I am on the pill. I know its not 100% but if it happens, it happens.

Well, I'm not saying it would be the end of the world, or anything like that, I just... I don't like kids. At all, really. That's not to say that if I ever unexpectedly had a kid that I wouldn't love it or wouldn't be there, but I dunno. Kids just irk me, and I don't know that I'd be the best "dad". I'm not good at imparting wisdom or teaching stuff, and at this point in my life, I don't even make enough money to completely support myself, let alone someone else.

It sounds to me like you're building up issues about things that haven't happened to you yet.

Take everything one step at a time and don't worry about what's coming next, just enjoy the present.

One step at a time though. Walk before you start worrying about running.

Yeah, this was just a random musing I had. Although, to be fair, during the early stages of dating, isn't it kind of expected to start building towards that physical relationship? Light innocent touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc.? Ideally, I'd like to eventually be in a relationship where we're both physically affectionate to one another, but in the early goings, I'd feel very weird about even the most innocent of things. So, even though sex, itself, isn't something that happens right away, it seems like it's expected that there will be some level of physical interaction early on.

Obviously I don't know you at all but the very fact that you feel the need to say that you're not 'against sex' seems strange. Why would you be against sex? It's how you got here after all.

I just meant, I'm not the prude Bible-thumping "Sex is wrong!" or "No sex until marriage!" types, that's all. Perhaps that was an odd way to word it originally.

i think pregnancy shluld be the least of your worries. a lot worse things could happen such as herpes or HIV.. so for that reason-you prob shouldnt sleep around with random people..

True, but I'm not the type that would ever just sleep with random people, so I feel like that's less of a risk for me. Like I said, I think I'm more likely to find myself in that ethical dilemma situation I described earlier.

[michelle23]

condoms dont protect you against herpes or genital warts. im sure genital cancer and losing your ding dong should be scarier then pregnancy lol

sorry im not helping the OP-just adding to his phobia. if you really hate kids-get the snip but then that ensures most women wont want you as a long term partner..