I've forgotten how to be single... I have a crush on my guy friend. What should I do?

[Starting_Over]

Over a month ago I got out of a serious relationship that lasted almost 7 years. I'm only 21, so I've basically just been in that one relationship my entire dating life... I feel so inexperienced in the dating world! With that said, I'm not looking to jump right back into a relationship, but I do have a crush on my guy friend and don't know how to proceed.

I definitely would like to see things go somewhere, but obviously slowly because I've not been out of a relationship for very long and he continues to have drama with a cheating ex (they broke up a year ago) who constantly insists that "they are soul mates." She continues to say that she isn't stringing him along by saying they will get back together one day, that she sees him as the father of her children, etc, but that she doesn't see them together right now. She continues to sleep with the guy she cheated with.

Needless to say, his emotions are messed around. Even though I know he's tangled in her messy web, I'd like to think that if I can somehow put myself out there (but not too strong) and make him see that I could be a good option, I might be able to show him that there is more out there than a girl who obviously doesn't respect him. My best friend (who hasn't met him) seems to think that his behaviour indicates that he may at least have a small crush on me. Though I can see what she means by his behavior, he never flirts with me. Ever. I don't think I've been friend-zoned just yet, though, because we don't have a 'best friend/brother and sister' type of relationship, though we do trust each other and confide in each other a lot.

Anyways, do any guys have any suggestions as to how can I put myself out there/flirt/show myself as interested/available to him without coming on too strong?

Also, do guys ALWAYS flirt when they like a girl, or do some guys not flirt even if they are interested? Because I'm wondering if the fact that he doesn't flirt is a surefire sign that he is not interested, even though it seems like he definitely might be based on actions.

[_Richard]

A month isn't very long after a relationship that lasted seven years. I'm guessing it fizzled out and that you were probably over this guy before he officially became your ex. Would that be fair to say?

Not everybody flirts in the same way and some people don't flirt much at all but they tend to give some clues that they like someone even if it's just the amount of attention they pay.

You could try paying him some compliments but you may have to be a little unsubtle, guys don't always pick up on things that quickly. How tactile a relationship is it already? You could just ramp things up a little, being a little more hands on with him just to see if he notices and reacts. He obviously knows that you're not long out of a relationship so you could always use the excuse that you need a hug, that might be all the excuse the pair of you need.

Of course there's always the direct route, you could just ask him out on a date.

Good luck anyway.

[michelle23]

OP you have never been single and i think hopping into something new is a bad idea. be alone for awhile . you need to feel as if you dont need a man-you just want one before you can be with someone again. otherwise your getting together for the wrong reasons and itl just end in tears. one of you will get hurt.

take some time out to figure out what you want. focus on yourself and in time youll be ready

[Starting_Over]

That is definitely fair to say! Like I said, things became rough and uncertain. I've had feelings of uncertainty for a few years, and despite still loving him as a person, all of our lows and conflicts and issues, I think, had me over the relationship a long time before it ended. I think it only continued out of fear of the unknown until it reached the point where I couldn't handle it. I'm still upset about the whole thing, but definitely feeling like moving forward.

Thanks for your tips. I really appreciate them. I've tried being subtle so far, so perhaps you're right in suggesting that I pay some more obvious compliments. And the relationship really isn't tactile at all. Like, we always hug when we say goodbye to each other after hanging out, but otherwise we are pretty hands off. Even if we're just sitting around playing games or watching movies (which is usually what we do when we hang out), we aren't very physically close. I try to sort of bring us closer together, but I don't want to make it too obvious so I've not jumped right into decreasing the space between us.

As for asking him out on a date, I sort of did... But again, I'm guilty of subtlety! His birthday is coming up so I insisted on taking him out for drinks, my treat. It is just the two of us, but I don't think he sees it as a date. I honestly don't even think it counts as a date based on how subtle I was in my approach, but in my mind I continue to think of it as a date. It is next weekend! I'm utterly nervous... We don't usually "go out" and do things. We mostly just hang out at each others' houses.

In any case, thank you!

[Starting_Over]

OP you have never been single and i think hopping into something new is a bad idea. be alone for awhile . you need to feel as if you dont need a man-you just want one before you can be with someone again. otherwise your getting together for the wrong reasons and itl just end in tears. one of you will get hurt.

take some time out to figure out what you want. focus on yourself and in time youll be ready

Thanks for your advice! I see what you're saying, and I definitely understand. I definitely thought a lot about what you're saying long before posting this. Like I said, I don't want it to jump into being a relationship. I don't think either he nor I are in a place for that. I just know that I do have a crush, he has been a great friend to me, and that I would slowly just see where things go. At the very least I would like to work towards my crush becoming a mutual liking of one another, even though I know it shouldn't bloom into a relationship for quite some time. And with all things considered, I think that would work for him, too.

[basilandthyme]

Thanks for your advice! I see what you're saying, and I definitely understand. I definitely thought a lot about what you're saying long before posting this. Like I said, I don't want it to jump into being a relationship. I don't think either he nor I are in a place for that. I just know that I do have a crush, he has been a great friend to me, and that I would slowly just see where things go. At the very least I would like to work towards my crush becoming a mutual liking of one another, even though I know it shouldn't bloom into a relationship for quite some time. And with all things considered, I think that would work for him, too.

The most likely outcome of going so slowly would be that you get placed into the 'friend-zone' and stay there. And if you're not ready for a relationship, it's not fair to the other person to hold them back to your schedule.

I think you're better off taking time for yourself. You need time to heal and he needs more time to extricate himself from the web of his ex. And frankly, until he's free of entanglements, he's a very poor option for you.

Give it few months and see how it feels then.

[michelle23]

Ya this whole slowly becoming friends first and having one of those cute hollywood film relationships that eventually turns into a kiss with fireworks before he ****s you up against a wall or slowly makes sweet sweet love to you is just a bullshit fairytale.

Its not gonna happen OP. Its more likely that hell get sick of your crap, meet another girl and then ask you for advice about her. Youll become his emotional tampon and help him through his next few breakups. Then youll meet someone, fall in love and when your half way up the alter with him-your "friend" will confess his love for you and **** with your head.

Sorry but thats the way it is. Its all or nothing. If your not ready for a relationship-then cut the crap and stop spending time with your crush. You cannot be "friends". Take 6 months out for yourself-dont spend time with him and if hes still single when your ready-you can ask him out.

[Starting_Over]

Ya this whole slowly becoming friends first and having one of those cute hollywood film relationships that eventually turns into a kiss with fireworks before he ****s you up against a wall or slowly makes sweet sweet love to you is just a bullshit fairytale.

Its not gonna happen OP. Its more likely that hell get sick of your crap, meet another girl and then ask you for advice about her. Youll become his emotional tampon and help him through his next few breakups. Then youll meet someone, fall in love and when your half way up the alter with him-your "friend" will confess his love for you and **** with your head.

Sorry but thats the way it is. Its all or nothing. If your not ready for a relationship-then cut the crap and stop spending time with your crush. You cannot be "friends". Take 6 months out for yourself-dont spend time with him and if hes still single when your ready-you can ask him out.

I'm sorry, did I ever say that was what I wanted? Not sure why you're feeling the need to be so aggressive and trying to dish out some "tough love." I never indicated that I wanted any of that or had some sort of ridiculous Hollywood expectation. I don't think "taking it slow" necessarily equates with any of the nonsense you are spewing.

Moreover, none of that addresses any of what I had inquired in my original post, so while I appreciate your perspective, I've thought through what I would like to get out of this relationship/potential relationship and at what pace I'd like to accomplish that. I was asking how to go about that, not for comments attacking those aforementioned goals/desires/plans. Thanks.