can my husband have a girl best friend

[trc]

hi, I'm new to this and would like some advice as to weather I'm over reacting.
long story short,
my husband works with a female around his age. over time he has become more friendly with her to the point now where he talks about her all the time. a number of times he has questioned the appropriateness of the relationship lot me and asked if it is wrong. it bothered me but I never said anything because I just thought they were good friend. the other day he left his Facebook on and I did the unthinkable and opened a message from her, only to reel back through them and find him messaging her on a daily basis, they work together 5 days a week mind you. they have d&m s all the time which he tell me about, and she has a boy friend and is moving to wa. anyway the messages he has been sending say things like I will miss you so much when you leave, I know you like me because I got confirmation from you mum, can't wait to see you at work tomorrow, Thursdays are my favourite day because I work with you, you are such a good friend and we will always stay in touch etc... lots of smiley faces to. I know he's not cheating but I do think he has more Cohan friend feelings for her. I confronted him about the messages straight away so he know I checked them. we had a big fight and he says he has done nothing wrong because there was no bad intentions there. I say it's inappropriate and to just pull back on the relationship, and that there is no need to Facebook her every night after work. on his days off he also drops into work to see her. he says I am in the wrong but he will pull back a little, but won't end the friendship.
then I find out the next day he is messaging her again, and he defends it by saying he was just asking how her weekend was because her bf is home. I checked the message and yes that's what he was doing but he left out the bit where she told him they have broken up.
he is now saying that he feels he has to defend every message to her now and that he has to check with me first before speaking to her, and tells me he hasn't spoken to her today, because I asked him to to speak to her about our relationship. little do I then check the messages again, and sure he has messages her and actually asked her out to coffee, so much for pulling back. gladly she was busy, but he still hasn't said anything to me.
sorry for the lengthy story but this is the whole story, and I would love to know if I'm looking into too much or if the level of the relationship has crossed the line of friends. I fell the way he speaks to her is how he was with me when we first met. I guess lust that turns to love.

[AdminOnline]

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[Ann S]

"it bothered me but I never said anything" And why not???? YOU are enabling this situation by holding back from telling your truth! Then, you can blame him! That works!

"he says I am in the wrong but he will pull back a little, but won't end the friendship." I'd say, he is having an emotional affair, which YOU initially didn't comment about, and it progressed. Now, your husband says he won't end the, "friendship," and he has asked her out for coffee? Is this OK with you? What do you think your options are to deal with this situation? Ann

[Starnique]

The answer is hell no

[trc]

I really don't know what to do now. he can't trust m to no look at his messages, I am happy to accept that because I admit that was wrong. but at the end of the day my gut feeling was right. I will never tell him what he can and can't do as he can't help the way he feels, but I believe he can have his cake and eat it to. I think he needs to man up and admit that he has feelings for the woman, but he won't. I don't know if I should give it a week of so and readdress it if nothing has changed just o give him a chance.

[trc]

to begin with from what he would tell me, they were just friends and I was happy with that, then I just got a gut feeling after he told me she has ouch end his heart. it was then that I decided to take a peak at the messages and realised it is more than friends, although he will never admit that to me or himself.
can those comments really be just best friend comments, or is the an obvious case of him falling for her weather he can admit it to himself or not.

[Ann S]

I think WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM! aNN

[trc]

not really sure what yo mean by this.
he is the most honest person I know and tells me everything. I guess this is why I am finding it hard to work out if he is covering up his feelings or if he actually doesn't realise what those feelings actually mean, because I don't doubt his love for me at all.

[searock]

The answer to your question is: no, YOU should be his female best friend.

[michelle23]

Okay I am going to tell you what I would do in your shoes. Your husband needs a big wakeup call here.

When he is at work tomorrow-put some of his clothes in a bag and throw them outside the door, put a note inside the bag saying "you are having an emotional affair, if you want our marriage to work you will stop all contact with her and come for relationship counselling with me-your wife who should be your number one priority-not her. Until you are ready to do that-I do not want to hear from you or see you.

And change the locks.

Im sorry but he is having an emotionally affair and he is going to develop feelings for her (if he hasnt already). He needs to realize what he will lose here if he doesnt stop this silly fantasy. You are dead right to be concerned-he is crossing a line and you have to act now if you dont want him to cheat on you or if you dont want him to leave you for her.

You can either sit and wait and allow him to get closer and closer to her until he starts wondering "is the grass greener" and starts regretting marrying you or you can show him that you are serious and demand respect from him by showing him you will NOT put up with this bullshit.

You have already tried talking to him, he knows your not happy and thinks your being unreasonable. Now it is time to take some action.

Trust me this will work. It will either prove to you that he does love you and doesnt want to lose you by how he reacts or if he runs straight to her you will know your instincts were right all along and you can start getting on with your life without him.

This is a major threat to your relationship-a HUGE red flag. We see it here all the time but it is normally the other woman or other man that we are lecturing. Im telling you girl if you dont want your husband to cheat on you-you have to act NOW! hes already emotionally cheating. Its only a matter of time before that becomes physical and you will not be able to forgive that.

Best of luck

[michelle23]

ps: it doesn't matter how honest you think he is. he is lying to himself by pretending in his own head that this is all "innocent" when its not. Men and women do not get that close unless there are hidden agendas whether that is conscious or subconscious.

Look up emotional affairs. Do your research and you will see how dangerous this is. You will lose him or else he will rip your heart to pieces if you do not hurry and kick him out. I know its severe and it may seem irrational but he needs to know you mean business.

You do need marriage counselling to prevent anything like this happening again.

If you do not want to take my advice the only other advice I can give you is to play him at his own game. Go and find your own new best friend-invite him around for coffee everyday, text him, ring him, email him, show him how it feels and make him jealous to prove your point. Talk about him all the time and even bring him round when your husband is there. I dont agree with this tactic but it could also work if you do not want to kick him out

[Ann S]

I mean he is NOT the most honest person because he is now carrying on a relationship with another woman and you don't like it but he's continuing it anyway. And YOU are excusing it. Ann

[Ann S]

WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM - That means that this guy has shown you he wants to continue on in an emotional relationship and that he wants to continue socializing with another woman in spite of the fact that YOU finally spoke up. So, BELIEVE HIM! Ann

[michelle23]

OP update us on what your plan is please?

[Wakeup]

He's cheating on you because he's obviously emotionally involved with her. He may not have physically cheated (yet) but that will be next, particularily since she's now broken up with her boyfriend and will have more time to devote to engaging his vulnerable side.

I think the sooner you tell him how his emotionally engaging with her makes you feel, the better. Use your *I* words to explain the fear and emotions this interaction with her brings out in you. Do not let him turn it around on you so that you become defensive. Keep the convo on topic.

.. and yes, as Michelle says, update us.