I need to vent

[cameo60]

I feel I need to get this in writing.

My gf drove over to my house yesterday to tell me she would no longer be able to see me. I believe the exact words were 'I can't do this anymore'. We had met over two years ago when we were both hired at the time. We were both working a fairly remote part of northern Canada. She was instantly attracted to me, but I rejected her, explaining that I had emotional and psychological issues that would stand in the way. I simply wasn't interested. Still, we talked everyday and quickly became close. Eventually, the friendship took a romantic turn and we moved in together.

She was madly in love with me, and wanted to spend every minute in my company. I felt somewhat alarmed that someone could have some intense feelings for me. After all, I've always had a fairly low opinion of myself. I quickly discovered that she had a volatile emotional tendency. She would get hysterically upset, sobbing forever until I was able to console her.

Last December I got a job back in the city I'm from. She moved back too, but we were unable to live together. I asked her to be patient, but that wasn't an acceptable option for her. She simply became extremely upset and anxious on a very frequent basis. We fought a lot and whatever desire I had for her was beginning to ebb. That's my summary.

Yesterday - as I said - she drove over, and calmly explained her decision. She wanted to spend one last evening 'together'. The whole thing was so raw and emotional. She said how much she loved me, how she put me on a pedestal, how she had looked up to me. There was many other superlatives. It was all so incredibly sad. I felt I was part of one of those manipulative tear jerking films.

I feel gored now. This is a person that has been in my life for the last year and a half. I used to live with her. I saw her everyday for months. I'm shattered.

Thanks

[michelle23]

i think shes a mess-way too clingy and too dependent. she has issues that she needs to work on.

you said you do too. two unhealthy people together normally just leads to a very unhealthy relationship-although you sound more stable than her.

i think you should see this as a lucky escape. take some time to heal and work on your low self-esteem. even see a counsellor. you just need to work towards emotional/mental health and in time youll be ready yo meet a stable dtrong woman.

best of luck

[Valixy]

So she decided to break up with you because she couldn't deal with how awful she felt without having you in her life like she used to, even if this was only temporary. I agree with Michele that she might get so wrapped up in her feelings that she loses a healthy perspective on things but in the same time people who become so attached to their partner like she does, they normally have a very difficult time when facing such a big change in their relationship. The fact that she idealised both you and the relationship haven't helped her cope with the change either. Were you two able to foresee when things would go back to normal, meaning living together again or not?

I just hope that since you moved back in town, you didn't distance yourself of her more than it would have been expected under your new circumstances, starting a new job, being in contact again with people you know, etc. Besides telling her to be patient, did you show her how much you cared about her? Did you remember to make her feel loved and special even if you needed her less than you used to when you were both working far away and only had each other? If you did all this, then there's nothing you could have done more, but if you didn't, you shouldn't blame too much a person who suffers of anxiety and is totally in love with you for feeling it was all a big drama suddenly and that she felt abandoned.

I'm not saying that her attitude is correct, because she does seem to have some emotional problems, just wondering how much of that was determined by her wrong perception of things and how much could have been caused by you, focusing too much on other aspects of your new life. A relationship with someone who has dependency tendencies is not easy, for sure, but most of the people have some kind of tendencies, no-one is perfect and yet anyone can improve.

She could definitely do with some time on her own trying to redefine herself since she laid so much on you but most probably she will just have a horrible time longing for you.

[cameo60]

I'm not blameless. The more fires I had to put out the less I felt like seeing her. Making plans to see her started to feel like a chore, and she clearly sensed that. I contemplated breaking up often, but any time I even brought the subject up she would get so hysterical I would drop the idea. I wasn't ever going to be able to match her feelings towards me.

The last evening we spent together was very moving. She professed how much she loved me, how beautiful she thought I was, she complimented my intellect, and so on. I was moved to tears. There's just such an air of tragedy. It's difficult to process right now.

[Valixy]

It would be fair to say then that you losing interest in the relationship could have been the main cause of the break up. Maybe it's because since you moved back home, she stopped being your main emotional support, you needed less of her in any way and she became just an option for you, or maybe it just wasn't going to be a life time thing.

Maybe you both failed to approch a low moment in your relationship in a constructive way but in general, I think that any woman with or without anxiety or dependency tendencies should leave when her partner feels that making plans with her is a chore and often speaks of breaking up with her. It seems that she was giving too much in the relationship and this became a negative, but also that you failed to provide her with minimum love and attention when you had your life back in which she didn't feel included. I sure hope that she is capable to move on soon and feel better about herself and everything in no time.

[michelle23]

I think you wernt meant to be and you should focus on yourself and sorting out any issues you have with commitment etc before meeting someone else.

[smackie9]

Just because there is love doesn't mean it's going to work out. She sounds too immature to deal with a real relationship at this time in her life which is normal for some ( she sounds young). I'm sure she will eventually grow up and be able to have a normal happy relationship someday. This is how we learn about relationships...by having experiences such as this. This relationship ended and so will the next one and so on. You live, you learn, you move on.


**Note: good on you for giving it a go despite everything. I think you gave it your best shot. You don't know unless you try right? Sorry things didn't work out for you.

[Alphyn]

... Can you explain to me what the problem is?


Having said that, I know what it's like.
Been in a relationship with an emotionally unstable girl, and I never will again. You'll get over it in no-time, and in the meanwhile do some fun things with your friends or by yourself. Best advice I can give. Trying to keep it simple for you. Good luck.