Girlfriend and my physical condition

[Valixy]

I don't see how she has been taking care of you, since you have always been independent, found your own place, got a job and only spent your free time with her. Inevitably since you have moved to her area you are supposed to adapt to her life style and it is only normal for her to show more initiative for the activities you share. If she had moved to your area, the situation would have been the other way around.

If she says no to the fitness class you like so much, just give it a few days or weeks and then discuss it again and keep the other trainings separate for some time. Just because you are a couple it doesn't mean that you have to enjoy doing together every activity you try. Some you will, some you won't. Like a girl I know who joined her boyfriend on a surfing weekend, she was willing to try and learn, only to find out that he didn't want to teach her, ignored her and ended up telling her that he didn't enjoy the weekend. She was a little bit affected by that but she thought she shouldn't cause a drama and she simply gave up the idea of learning surfing with him.

Maybe you could try to find some activities that you like and wouldn't necessarily include your girlfriend and even try to make new friends. You gave up to your social life, friends, spare time activities by moving there but you will form new friendships in time. No doubt you've done great until now and few people would have done it better.

I think there was nothing wrong with your honest remark but maybe your girlfriend is the type of person who likes honesty being tactfully expressed. I remember the case of another friend of mine who could never really complain to her boyfriend when she was ill or having a terrible cold, tell him how bad she really was because she could see his humour changed automatically. So she learnt to not describe the symptoms to him, but to her friends and her mother, and tried to keep a positive happy tone around him.

[searock]

So we talked a little about it today and it came down to her feeling like she was taking care of me as some of you said. I guess I see where she is coming from and know that I need to do my own thing. When I asked about why we couldnt continue doing the class I enjoyed (the one that was helping my back and only that class), then do the rest of my light exercise on my own, she didnt want to talk about it and just told me to drop it. She was obviously still aggravated with me today because other topics we talked about she felt like I wasnt believing or understanding her, when I didn't mean to come across like this at all.

Sorry but you sound like the typical "retarded puppy" boyfriend. The one that's always following the girlfriend around and needs her to take any decision, always afraid of making her angry. You need to stop being a puppy and start being a man. Pick a day that works for you (and that is different from the day she goes) and go to that class by yourself. You can even tell her that you are going, it doesn't matter. Just go whether she is coming or not, whether she gives you permission or not. You need to take your own decisions, show her that you are strong-willed and determined, that you can and will take care of yourself.

By the way, she told you to drop it because you were trying to make it seem like the ONLY problem was the class thing, when in fact it's a more general problem (as she herself said, it's that she feels like she has to take care of you). She felt that you didn't understand her because you kept focusing on that one incident instead of seeing the bigger picture. One of the most common miscommunication problems between guys and girls.

[Sundancer]

I don't see how she has been taking care of you, since you have always been independent, found your own place, got a job and only spent your free time with her. Inevitably since you have moved to her area you are supposed to adapt to her life style and it is only normal for her to show more initiative for the activities you share. If she had moved to your area, the situation would have been the other way around.

This is exactly how I see it. It is very hard for me being new to the area. I can't just find things on my own all the time because the areas around here can go from nice little town to hole in the wall ghetto within miles of each other. Yes I am learning the area but it is not as easy as one might think. Also I see myself as independent because I found my own job making much more than her and I end up paying for dinner/movies etc 8/10 times. (not that I have a problem with this, just pointing it out that I do not rely on her for these kind of things.)

Pick a day that works for you (and that is different from the day she goes) and go to that class by yourself. You can even tell her that you are going, it doesn't matter. Just go whether she is coming or not, whether she gives you permission or not. You need to take your own decisions, show her that you are strong-willed and determined, that you can and will take care of yourself.

Yeah if only it was that easy. As I said before my schedule is rather tight. I work overnights therefor have to sleep during the day. The instructor teaches during my sleeping time and on Tuesday mornings (my day off and one of the many times my GF goes) meaning that the only time I can go to the class is at that time and as I have found out it is not as simple as picking a different instructor because of my back problem. She doesnt want to see me at that class, and I know she would think I was going because I know she likes that class.

[Sundancer]

I think what I have decided to do is not ask about going to the Tuesday class for now. Take that time and go do light exercise at the gym (even though it wont be as good for my back as the class) then if she doesn't say anything about the class for a few weeks drop a hint that I liked the Tuesday classes but now miss them or something like that. Hopefully by that time she will see that I am more independent with my workouts/health than she thinks and wont mind if I choose to go to that class.

Thanks for everyone's opinions. They have been helpful.

[searock]

I still think you should just go to whatever class you want. Don't try to guilt her into giving you permission to go. That's messed up on many levels, including the fact that you don't need her permission.

If Tuesday is the only day that works for you, go to the class on Tuesday. You can stay in a different area of the gym, you don't even have to interact with her during the class. After the class, don't whine. If she asks, say something like "it's tough, but it pays off" and smile.

[dem862]

There is a lot of drama in this relationship over nothing. I am detecting manipulative behavior on her part. I think if you were to really man up (as some have suggested) you would end up kicking her to the curb and find a woman who appreciates you. It sounds like she is making you walk on eggshells. Really, you can't attend a public class because she is there? Do you realize how pathetic that is? A woman who wants to be with you would welcome the time with you. And then to have subjects she refuses to discuss? Another red flag. Communication is extremely important in any relationship. There are deeper problems here than you realize. Sorry, but I don't see this turning into a happy, love-fest anytime soon.

[Sundancer]

I still think you should just go to whatever class you want. Don't try to guilt her into giving you permission to go. That's messed up on many levels, including the fact that you don't need her permission.

If Tuesday is the only day that works for you, go to the class on Tuesday. You can stay in a different area of the gym, you don't even have to interact with her during the class. After the class, don't whine. If she asks, say something like "it's tough, but it pays off" and smile.

The class is in a studio not a gym so the room is rather small with 10-15 people, so your avoidance theory is kindof hard, however we never interact in the class anyways like I said before. Im not asking her permission but rather respecting that she says she doesn't want me there, at this point she is saying no, so I need to respect that till she changes her mind. I believe that going when she doesn't want me their is a lack of respect on my part. It would be like her saying "I'm going out with the girls to dinner at XYZ restaurant" and then me showing up there for no reason. Maybe I'm wrong but thats how I feel.

There is a lot of drama in this relationship over nothing. I am detecting manipulative behavior on her part. I think if you were to really man up (as some have suggested) you would end up kicking her to the curb and find a woman who appreciates you. It sounds like she is making you walk on eggshells. Really, you can't attend a public class because she is there? Do you realize how pathetic that is? A woman who wants to be with you would welcome the time with you. And then to have subjects she refuses to discuss? Another red flag. Communication is extremely important in any relationship. There are deeper problems here than you realize. Sorry, but I don't see this turning into a happy, love-fest anytime soon.

Usually she has been welcoming me to the class and did enjoy it up to this point. Which is why I was confused when this whole issue came up. As much as I respect your opinion of "kick her to the curb" it is NOT what I came here for, if I wanted that I would have posted on yahoo answers. I came here for support and help in an issue that I am trying to understand. I would have hoped that from what I have said so far everyone knew how much i dearly love her and I am willing to work through much tougher things then this. Thank you anyways.

[searock]

So you are literally avoiding doing something that you have every right to do and that you WANT to do and that harms absolutely nobody (and is actually good for you) just because "she told you not to do it". So what if the room is small? Just don't interact with her during class (it's not like you interacted the other times). After class, just don't whine and be positive about your energizing, albeit exhausting, workout. It's good for you and you know it, so there really is no need to whine and ruin other people's mood.

If you were really set on getting better and going to the gym class, you would simply go to the damn class. I don't see why you would compare going to the class to showing up at a restaurant you know she's in - it's a totally different scenario. In the restaurant scenario, you would be showing up just because she is there. In the gym scenario, you are going to class because YOU want to go to class, regardless of the fact that she will be there or not.

Just be positive and determined about it and stop being afraid of your own girlfriend - that's seriously messed up and completely unattractive. Stop being her retarded puppy, as I said. Man up!

[Paul07]

Your girlfriend overreacted, it happens. You need to be the bigger person now and solve this peacefully without adding more unnecessary tension. I personally wouldn't go either to her class until all this silly tension would disappear. There is time for everything.

[searock]

Your girlfriend overreacted, it happens. You need to be the bigger person now and solve this peacefully without adding more unnecessary tension. I personally wouldn't go either to her class until all this silly tension would disappear. There is time for everything.

The problem is not him going to that class, the problem is that she feels like she has to take care of him and that he does whatever she tells him. So he needs to show her that he is able and willing to take his own decisions and do what HE wants.

[Paul07]

If she feels that, she is wrong. He doesn't have a magic wand. He can't have a new place to live, a great new job and all his spare time and new contacts sorted out in 4 months in a totally new area. He's done more than expected and he sure sounds like a guy who is more of a man than many others. His girlfriend has been a bit of an ignorant this time but he can put that behind him and be the bigger person.

[vashti]

I have a friend with chronic back issues, and as much as I hate to say it, I am sick to death of hearing about it.

Additionally, (and I apologize for being blunt), but I do not understand how someone who is supposedly a potential back surgery candidate is able to run at all. The chronic back pain people I deal with very rarely enjoy the freedom to go to the gym, let alone train for a marathon, and it makes me wonder if you aren't perhaps a bit of a whiner in general.

I agree with the women who said you should shut up about feeling sick after a workout. It's not that hard to modify your exercise in class to a lower level of energy so you can avoid feeling sick, and common sense will tell you this..

[Sundancer]

I have a friend with chronic back issues, and as much as I hate to say it, I am sick to death of hearing about it.

Additionally, (and I apologize for being blunt), but I do not understand how someone who is supposedly a potential back surgery candidate is able to run at all. The chronic back pain people I deal with very rarely enjoy the freedom to go to the gym, let alone train for a marathon, and it makes me wonder if you aren't perhaps a bit of a whiner in general.

I agree with the women who said you should shut up about feeling sick after a workout. It's not that hard to modify your exercise in class to a lower level of energy so you can avoid feeling sick, and common sense will tell you this..

Actually with this type of back injury it is fine for me to jog. In fact it has been recommended, as long as I don't push myself to hard. The lumbar is actually less compressed when standing and jogging than it is sitting.

The back surgery that is my other option is minor and not recommended but is still an option, and honestly every back injury is different, which is why it is so hard for them to be treated.

[TablesandChairs]

Obviously, there are underlying issues. But really, how is she sick of caring for you exactly? You can walk, you can run, you are financially independent, you live alone. She needs to get real. I'd happily help my partner out if he needed me to for whatever reason (say he couldn't extend his arm or something) - no problem, I'll do the tasks that require that motion.
It's called partnership. You pay for most of the outings you have together; how would she like it if you started saying you felt like her 'financial carer?'.

Seriously, just go to the sessions, focus on getting better and be as independent as possible. Don't talk about your back to her, she's not much help anyway. Stop walking on eggshells; so what if you said you felt sick? It's normal when you're starting out; when my first boyfriend introduced me to the world of fitness, all I did was complain about how much it hurt. He just laughed and said I'd get over it. That's a normal reaction.

[FlaCooln]

Ok after reading this entire thread. I think you need to realize that....you are doing NOTHING wrong in regards to your exercise. I think she is being to rigid, controlling, and just insensitve to your condition. I would sit her down and tell her look...I enjoy this class, I want to get better, and you have to understand that this class helps me so I should not have to give it up. I think if you take a more confident approach with her and not walk on eggshells she will respect you more for it. Get in shape on your own and do it for yourself and not her.