Girlfriend and my physical condition

[Sundancer]

Hey everyone. I need some advise about what is going through my girlfriends head.
Here's my story.
Late 2010 I was diagnosed with a lumbar hernated disc. Because of the pain from this I have been limited to my exercise and ultimately gained weight. She has been understanding up to this point. Anyways our back ground.
I have been "seeing" her for almost 3 years. We started out as a long distance (met online) relationship. Four months ago I moved to live closer to her (we aren't living together yet because she's not ready to be living with a guy because her last relationship didn't end well). The first 2 months I had lots of free time as I was hunting for jobs so anytime she wanted to do something I was there ready to go, everything was going well and we were happy. I was hired last month at an overnight 40hours a week in NYC. Great job but this obviously interfered with times that we could hang out. I am no stranger to the overnight shift but I can not hang out with her as much now, so anytime I can make to be with her I do.

She really enjoys fitness classes and thought it would be fun if we did it together. So we looked at my scheduale and decided that Tuesday (my day off) would be a great day for us to go together. I have been really enjoying the Tuesday class because the instructor helps motify excerises for people that are injured like myself.
After a few classes on Tuesday, she wanted me to try a cardio class with her. I decided that I would give it a go. (Cardio has been my weakness because i have gotten so out of shape since my back injury) I barely made it through the class but felt like I was going to throw up (I know this is because I am out of shape). Anyways after the class she asked me how I thought the class was, I answered honestly and said that it was hard and I felt like throwing up but wanted to do it again when I was more in shape. At this point I thought she understood.

We decided recently to start training for a marathon. We have done a few days worth of training but had to skip a few do to weather. Yesterday we planned to train for the marathon and then take the excerises class. She wanted to train at 4:30 and the class would start at 5:45.
My normal time to get up is at 5, so I thought that the time would be ok and I would just lose an hour worth of sleep. I was wrong. I woke up 30mins late and didn't make it to her till 4:40 which left Us no time to train. I apologized and asked if we could do it after class. She was upset of course because she hates when things don't go as planned. I understood this and apologized.

When we got there I found out it was the same instructor as the cardio class who was teaching the regular non-cardio class. This instructor was extremely hard still and 75% through it I felt sick again, but pushed through it. At the end of the class she asked me again and I responded. I feel sick.
At this point she exploded on me and told me I was ruining the feel good feeling that she gets from doing the fitness class and never wanted me to come back again including our regular Tuesday class. She also insisted that we wouldn't work because I was lazy and she was tired of my back problem and that i don't want to get well. I've been trying for 2 years to strengthen my back and seeing many doctors who have said either I need to do yoga classes or similar ones (much like the class we have been doing)to help my back heal or I need surgery.
At this point she was so angry that she said she didn't want to do the marathon with me and that she just wanted me to take her home. I tried to get her to explain what was wrong and she Just got angrier until she got out of my car and said she would find her own way home and told me not to follow. I let her go because I knew she needed space. Shortly after she came back but was still upset. She went on to tell me she didn't want to force me to get better and I needed to do things on my own. I told her I was trying and that if I didn't want to get better I wouldn't be paying for doctors and doing the workouts and running with her. She was still upset and told me to do the marathon alone because she was going to drop out now. At this point I told her I was gonna stick to the plan and I wanted her to run with me (it was a lot of fun running with her) and invited her to go running right then as we had planned. She said no and told me to go by myself. I walked away feeling that she needed space.

I thought I would be thoughtful and jogged down to Starbucks and bought her her favorite coffee. Came back to the car and she was gone. Sent her a few texts asking her where she had gone with no response. (We use IPhones and at this point I knew she hadn't read the msg) anyways eventually she came back and had obviously been running. Snatched up her coffee and said let's go eat.

We ate in a tiny place where you were so close to the table next to you that private conversation was impossible. So there wasn't much we could say. We looked for icecream after but everything was closed and I had to be at work in hour. I dropped her off at home and asked for a hug but received a No. I apologized and even jokingly called myself a baboon. I got a few small talk texts from her before she fell asleep but nothing about the fight.

Sorry I wrote a book but didn't want to leave out details.

So I'm not sure why she doesnt under my back problem and why me being honest about how I felt after the class upset her to the point that she no longer wanted to be around me. Anyone out that that might have an idea?

[searock]

She's tired of having to look after you like a mother to a child. You need to be your own man. Do you want to get better? It sounds like she is the one who is always suggesting new things to do, and all you do is passively agree to them. You sound like you are dependent on her, and it's REALLY not attractive.

Stop going to the gym with her - go on your own and be consistent with your training/getting better schedule and don't whine about it: you are doing it because you want to do it. Be independent and strong, take your own decisions.

[dem862]

Well, cudos to you for attempting all this physical activity with your impairment. Your back injury is permanent as you know. It may be progressive. Are you on pain management? I don't think she understands your back pain. It is out of your control. She seems to think you are just being lazy. She is frustrated. She sounds like a very active and independent woman - a Type A person. You may also be a Type A person but with your impairment you should realize you are now limited in what you can do physically. Typically no more than light work for a back injury. Anyway, she is not supportive of your efforts, even though you are making attempts. It sounds like there are some incompatibilities in your relationship and they are being handled poorly. Physical fitness is important to her, and you may no longer be able to maintain the same level as her. She doesn't sound willing to make allowances.

[Valixy]

Your LDR has recently stopped being a distance one and I think it's normal to start meeting some differences. You have managed this transition wonderfully until now, moving to NY, finding a place to live and a job and keeping your romance alive. And you are only 21! There are lots of men in their 40ies that wouldn't do as well as you and you know that most of the LDR never get to the stage that you two are living right now, so I also think that you are couple with a real potential.

About the sports activities....Are you sure that such an intense training is positive for your back? You are young, yes, but I think that you should take it easy and always consult your doctors before engaging in physical activities. I am far from being an expert, but I think that swimming, yoga, walking and moderate sport and a healthy diet would keep you in a very good shape and help your physical condition. Maybe you shouldn't share more physical activities than you're comfortable with your girlfriend, keep your trainings separate and enjoy everything else that your relationship has to offer to both of you.

One of my partners had a back problem and a disk surgery a couple of years before we met. He simply had to be careful when lifting heavy things but he was in a very good shape and after trying different treatments and massage techniques, he one day tried Swedish massage and that worked really well for him and took away quite a lot of the occasional pain. I admit I sometimes felt a little bit frustrated when travelling and the mattress was such a big problem if it wasn't a very good quality one, but I never ever made him feel bad about that and tried to be supportive.

Your girlfriend's reaction wasn't the best one in my opinion, but you should forgive her and simply train separately from now on. There are so many other outdoor activities that you can share!

[Sundancer]

I hope that it is getting better as I am trying to do my best to help it heal. I have been through pain management including steroid injections. (which I believe caused the weight gain, but that is besides the point). I do agree with you dem, she may really not understand how intense the injury is which is why she would say I use it as a crutch, even though I am trying my hardest. I believe she wants me better so that we can do things that we have talked about doing together, such as rock climbing and hiking, but I am not healing as quickly as she would expect. I think I may have to do my own thing as searock suggested at least till I am at a level that I am able to do the the more intense classes with her and not become sick during them so that when she askes if I enjoyed the class I can be honest still. But at the same time do lighter exercises on my own.

I just hope that she changes her mind about wanting me to go to the classes on Tuesday's as I have seen improvement overall with my back and conditions that are from it (tight hamstrings, sciatic).
What I really dont understand is what set her off. I know there could be more than what I have told here that could be the root cause, but I am uncertain what it could be, I guess my next step is to figure that out and work it out, and then do my own exercise program until she is ready to try again.

[searock]

What set her off was the fact that she was feeling good and energized after class and you "ruined" that for her. But that was just the straw that broke the camel's back: she has been taking care of you for days (weeks?) now, and you have been treating her like a guardian rather than a partner. She makes schedules for you and makes sure you stick to them, whereas it should be YOU to do it for yourself. As I said, she is sick and tired of taking care of you. She wants a guy who can and will take care of himself, no matter his medical condition.

[Sundancer]

Your LDR has recently stopped being a distance one and I think it's normal to start meeting some differences. You have managed this transition wonderfully until now, moving to NY, finding a place to live and a job and keeping your romance alive. And you are only 21! There are lots of men in their 40ies that wouldn't do as well as you and you know that most of the LDR never get to the stage that you two are living right now, so I also think that you are couple with a real potential.

About the sports activities....Are you sure that such an intense training is positive for your back? You are young, yes, but I think that you should take it easy and always consult your doctors before engaging in physical activities. I am far from being an expert, but I think that swimming, yoga, walking and moderate sport and a healthy diet would keep you in a very good shape and help your physical condition. Maybe you shouldn't share more physical activities than you're comfortable with your girlfriend, keep your trainings separate and enjoy everything else that your relationship has to offer to both of you.

One of my partners had a back problem and a disk surgery a couple of years before we met. He simply had to be careful when lifting heavy things but he was in a very good shape and after trying different treatments and massage techniques, he one day tried Swedish massage and that worked really well for him and took away quite a lot of the occasional pain. I admit I sometimes felt a little bit frustrated when travelling and the mattress was such a big problem if it wasn't a very good quality one, but I never ever made him feel bad about that and tried to be supportive.

Your girlfriend's reaction wasn't the best one in my opinion, but you should forgive her and simply train separately from now on. There are so many other outdoor activities that you can share!

As far as if I should be doing the classes, yes I have spoken with my doctor about it. They are perfectly fine as the instructors are trained to minimize the impact on my back. And it is very much like yoga. I just believe that the one instructor my girlfriend enjoys is to difficult for me personal.
Also as far as the training goes, we are in the early stages and only plan on jogging the marathon, which is perfictly ok.

What set her off was the fact that she was feeling good and energized after class and you "ruined" that for her. But that was just the straw that broke the camel's back: she has been taking care of you for days (weeks?) now, and you have been treating her like a guardian rather than a partner. She makes schedules for you and makes sure you stick to them, whereas it should be YOU to do it for yourself. As I said, she is sick and tired of taking care of you. She wants a guy who can and will take care of himself, no matter his medical condition.

Shes not really making a schedule, more like us decided what would work best because her schedule is flexible right now. In fact we thought that we would be able to do a much earlier jog in the morning after I got off but we both agreed that it would not be best.
However she is picking most of the activities, which may be a reason.

[michelle23]

There is a fantastic product called Forever Freedom which is amazing for bones/joint impairment. Its natural and healthy and you could buy it online. My bf drinks it for his knees and it really helps and his grandmother drinks it for her arthritis. Its a little expensive but well worth it. It basically helps the body to heal itself and contains chrondroitin and glucosamine which the body needs to keep the bones healthy.

[Sundancer]

There is a fantastic product called Forever Freedom which is amazing for bones/joint impairment. Its natural and healthy and you could buy it online. My bf drinks it for his knees and it really helps and his grandmother drinks it for her arthritis. Its a little expensive but well worth it. It basically helps the body to heal itself and contains chrondroitin and glucosamine which the body needs to keep the bones healthy.

Thanks for trying, but my condition doesn't have to do with bones or joint :/

[michelle23]

you could write to the company and see if they do have anything that may help you. I know that they also have products for skin disorders, diabetes, infertility, weight loss, chrons disease etc etc so they may be able to recommend something for you.

Id say your gf may be trying to drop a subtle hint that she wants you to get back in shape so instead of going along with all her plans perhaps you should pick one hobby that you do like and keep it up to help you get back in shape. You need motivation

[Sundancer]

So we talked a little about it today and it came down to her feeling like she was taking care of me as some of you said. I guess I see where she is coming from and know that I need to do my own thing. When I asked about why we couldnt continue doing the class I enjoyed (the one that was helping my back and only that class), then do the rest of my light exercise on my own, she didnt want to talk about it and just told me to drop it.
She was obviously still aggravated with me today because other topics we talked about she felt like I wasnt believing or understanding her, when I didn't mean to come across like this at all.

She isnt forcing me to go to the class I like because I honestly would enjoy it, regardless if she is there or not (she doesnt believe I enjoy it, but instead believes I only want to do it because she is there). It is just a huge plus that she is there as we can hang out afterwards and get lunch or something else, but it is not the main reason I go, in fact most of the class I forget she is there and focus on the class. I could go to it without talking to her about it but I feel like she will show up and then say I am stalking her. So it is a lose lose situation unless she changes her mind about me going. Either I dont go and I hope to find another awesome instructor that can help me (this is the first one I have found that I really like in 2 years) or I go and she shows up and doesnt want me there so it "ruins" her experience. (which btw I still dont understand how I ruined it by answering her question simply and honestly.)

[basilandthyme]

With regards to your simple and honest answers ruining her experience.....I can understand it. "I feel sick" is a really negative answer to her question - and being with a negative person can ruin an experience.

An equally honest answer would be "I feel exhausted, but I know it will get easier as I make progress"

[Sundancer]

With regards to your simple and honest answers ruining her experience.....I can understand it. "I feel sick" is a really negative answer to her question - and being with a negative person can ruin an experience.

An equally honest answer would be "I feel exhausted, but I know it will get easier as I make progress"

I see where your coming from but I am not normally a negative person. She would even agree with me on that as she has made many comments about me being the most positive person she knows.

So your saying I should have left off the fact that I was feeling physically ill. Somehow this seems like I am not being completely honest, but maybe I am just being too literal.

[basilandthyme]

Why do you place such significance in being "completely honest" to a question which really isn't important?

[Sundancer]

I guess that is a trait I take seriously. She has always asked me to be honest, and I have always been so. Obviously I was too literal with my answer this time.