Need help from a guy's point of view...please...

[ConfusedGurl]

I am in a relationship for 4 years now and everything was great until end of February this year. My bf and I are living together after 1 year we got together because we are living out of our countries for work reasons.

2 months ago he came home and started texting. From that day onward, it became non-stop. It was a girl from his workplace, a management trainee that was put under his care to teach her basic daily task at work. He told me there was nothing to worry about and said clearly that they are just like brother and sister. I believed it for a week but my suspicion grew. What is the reason that a girl could text a guy everyday and telling him details about her daily life, problems and personal feelings about her life other than work related issues? Of course I knew that she like him but he did not believed it until she cried to him one day when I am working out of the country, telling him her love problems about another person and her confused feelings for my bf. But even then, they still text every single day without fail. I told him how i felt, argued (minor and majorly), told him I want it to stop but he declared that nothing is going on between them, telling me that she's an innocent girl, felt bad of what she did that made me hurt so bad. He told me that she's the only good friend that he have and trust in this foreign country as I too know that he only have a few selection of friends. He could not let go of that friendship which made me think more, if it will develop into the scenario that I do not want to happen. (I read through his messages and found sentences like "I miss disturbing you" and "I am giving you attention and love") If a stranger read through their conversation, it seems that they are dating. I swear.

He declared his love to me, tell me to trust him, begging me to not leave him, text lesser or not at all when I'm around...but started little lies or stop telling me that he is meeting her (he used to ask me if it is okay), cried to me and telling me if I found someone better, he is willing to let go. (for girls, it hurts when a guy tells you to find someone better) As a girl, I don't get his actions at all. Can anyone tell me what is going on....and should I continue this relationship...

[michelle23]

He is having an emotional affair. You need to end your relationship. He doesn't love or respect you enough to stop talking to her even though he knows how much this hurts you. He should be putting you first and hes not.

Hes lying to himself saying that they are "just friends" and telling himself that its all innocent but its not. The reality is that they have feelings for each other and they are getting way too close for "friendship".

It is your choice what you want to do.

If he hasnt crossed the line into physical cheating yet then you may be able to save your relationship if you want to.

You can leave him, pack up your stuff and move out before he gets home and just leave a note saying "I didnt want to give you an ultimatum so I made the choice for you. Instead of forcing you to chose between me and her-I have decided to leave as you know how much this breaks my heart but you still talk to her so goodbye". Cut all contact with him, ignore him and see what happens. If he really loves you-he will fight to get you back and work his ass off to prove to you that you mean 100times more and he will agree to stop talking to her. Then you can say "I will come back IF we get relationship counselling".

On the other hand-if he just lets you go without a fight and runs straight to her-you will know for sure that your suspicions have been correct all along and your not crazy.

If you cannot forgive him for emotionally cheating on you:

Then just say goodbye. Focus on healing and look after yourself

You cant sit around and just allow him to get closer and closer to her until he actually physically cheats or leaves you for her and that is exactly what will happen if you dont act now. Take control of the situation.

If I were you I would just leave him, get over him and get on with my life. He has crossed a line and he doesnt love or respect you enough to even consider how this makes you feel. He is showing you how selfish he is and that his new best friend is more important than you. You can do better than that

[smackie9]

Emotional affairs are nothing new..but with the age of texting and the internet it's happening in epidemic proportions. It's just too easy for it to happen. Here is what you can do....send him this link http://infidelityinfo.com/warning-signs-of-an-emotional-affair/ or just read it out to him. One thing about emotional affairs is that the participants are in denial. "It's just a friendship" but one that is so intoxicating like being addicted to drugs. There is such an increase of dopamine being released they can't think straight. I don't think he realizes what he is into, and how deep it is or at least it's starting to surface but is in denial. By showing him this article and having a very frank talk about it or even packing your bags to leave might make him come to his senses. Some can recover from such things, some don't. It's up to you what plan of action you want to take.

[smackie9]

BTW this isn't just a guy thing....it happens to women as well. It's more prominent in women because we are emotional by nature.

[ConfusedGurl]

Emotional affairs are nothing new..but with the age of texting and the internet it's happening in epidemic proportions. It's just too easy for it to happen. Here is what you can do....send him or just read it out to him. One thing about emotional affairs is that the participants are in denial. "It's just a friendship" but one that is so intoxicating like being addicted to drugs. There is such an increase of dopamine being released they can't think straight. I don't think he realizes what he is into, and how deep it is or at least it's starting to surface but is in denial. By showing him this article and having a very frank talk about it or even packing your bags to leave might make him come to his senses. Some can recover from such things, some don't. It's up to you what plan of action you want to take.

Thanks for the article...I made him read it.
I had a talk with him yesterday and said thinking of breaking up and mentioned about the messages he sent. He answered he never like the girl as he loves me, in a way I see that he is honest about this. He promise he would never break my heart and told me she has a boyfriend which she doesn't want to break up with. I told him how I felt and think that he would like her unknowingly not now but slowly in the future...he doesn't think that way because he is sure that the feeling that he is having for her is just a family kind of relationship...he dont even remember what he texted her..I believe him for now..but told him my ground. If I feel something ia happening, I will give up and leave without any warning. He nodded and said even if I give up...he would not...can anyone explain this behavior? Cause he would be still texting her..

[ConfusedGurl]

He is having an emotional affair. You need to end your relationship. He doesn't love or respect you enough to stop talking to her even though he knows how much this hurts you. He should be putting you first and hes not.

Hes lying to himself saying that they are "just friends" and telling himself that its all innocent but its not. The reality is that they have feelings for each other and they are getting way too close for "friendship".

It is your choice what you want to do.

If he hasnt crossed the line into physical cheating yet then you may be able to save your relationship if you want to.

You can leave him, pack up your stuff and move out before he gets home and just leave a note saying "I didnt want to give you an ultimatum so I made the choice for you. Instead of forcing you to chose between me and her-I have decided to leave as you know how much this breaks my heart but you still talk to her so goodbye". Cut all contact with him, ignore him and see what happens. If he really loves you-he will fight to get you back and work his ass off to prove to you that you mean 100times more and he will agree to stop talking to her. Then you can say "I will come back IF we get relationship counselling".

On the other hand-if he just lets you go without a fight and runs straight to her-you will know for sure that your suspicions have been correct all along and your not crazy.

If you cannot forgive him for emotionally cheating on you:

Then just say goodbye. Focus on healing and look after yourself

You cant sit around and just allow him to get closer and closer to her until he actually physically cheats or leaves you for her and that is exactly what will happen if you dont act now. Take control of the situation.

If I were you I would just leave him, get over him and get on with my life. He has crossed a line and he doesnt love or respect you enough to even consider how this makes you feel. He is showing you how selfish he is and that his new best friend is more important than you. You can do better than that

Thanks for your advice..I will see how it goes from now and will take action to leave if he still acts selfishly.

[HeheMan]

Of course I knew that she like him but he did not believed it until she cried to him one day when I am working out of the country, telling him her love problems about another person and her confused feelings for my bf.

She's clearly friendzoned him and he's never going to sleep with her. The actual threat of an affair is zip zero nada.

However, your boyfriend is being a douche and you should tell him to curb it or you'll curb him.

[ConfusedGurl]

Emotional affairs are nothing new..but with the age of texting and the internet it's happening in epidemic proportions. It's just too easy for it to happen. Here is what you can do....send him this or just read it out to him. One thing about emotional affairs is that the participants are in denial. "It's just a friendship" but one that is so intoxicating like being addicted to drugs. There is such an increase of dopamine being released they can't think straight. I don't think he realizes what he is into, and how deep it is or at least it's starting to surface but is in denial. By showing him this article and having a very frank talk about it or even packing your bags to leave might make him come to his senses. Some can recover from such things, some don't. It's up to you what plan of action you want to take.

Thank you smackie really for the article..I did not know that this kind of affair do exists. He really did not know what he was doing...

[ConfusedGurl]

He finally admitted it...he likes her and he only found out days ago after a huge heartbreaking conversation with him. :

He asked again if he could go out dinner with "the friend" and stupid of me, thinking really nothing is going on, I said it's okay. I was out of the country that day when they met. I told him that I would text him after my dinner and I did. He did not reply but I knew he read my message as it was indicated by the system. I waited...waited for more than 2 hours before I need my rest for the next day. I was furious and upset. He did not reply me until I texted him again saying I was having a headache and I was going to sleep. I did not reply him...he called me twice as I did not pick up. But for the third time he called, I decided to pick it up but I was already in tears. He said he was sorry, he FORGOT to reply me while talking to her. I was heartbroken, cried my heart out...he kept apologizing and would not do it again. I told him that I felt she was more important than me to him...when he was with me, he will reply her messages as fast as he can or whenever he can...but for my messages..he forgot about it...didnt event thought about...and worst..he was with her...he realized the mistake and finally caught on the situation that he has feelings for her...

He said he would stop...he couldnt lose me...he loves me...he was very sorry...and it was one week ago this happened and yesterday he told me everything. What happened, why it happened and how he felt. He chose me but he could not let go of the friendship and promise that they will ONLY stay just friends. He called her to apologize and told her that they need to stop the feeling but...they are still texting...moreover he still has to see her at work...

We talked about it...why did it happened and it turned out that I was the one that caused his action of the affair. I did not give him the attention he wanted from me..and the other girl delivered it and he felt he was able to rely on her...I did not deny it...all these years I kept on feeding on his love and attention and took it for granted..I gave him my love and attention...but it wasnt enough...I realized that..

and now I told him that I wanted to let him go...as i know that he will be happy with her than me...he will feel pain if it is me. He understood that but he doesnt want me to do that instead urging me to give him the attention of what he wanted..not her although he said he could not end the friendship with her. I have to decide...but he is still making me confused....

[michelle23]

OP this is not your fault. Do not listen to his excuses. If he was unhappy he could have talked to you, he could have asked for counselling, he could have left. The answer is not to have an emotional affair.

You need to break up with him. Hes still refjsing to cut contact with her. If he really was serious about not wanting to lose you heed get a new job, change his number. Hed cut her off completely and hes not prepared to do that.

You have to get out now. He will get closer and closer-hell leave you for her. Emotional affairs never end well. And hell hurt you ten times more if you dont act now.

I no its hard. Your confused and deeply hurt but you dont deserve this. Even if you wernt paying him enough attentiin-you cant read his mind and thats only an excuse to justify his own bad behaviour.

Hes admitted he likes her and still refuses to get rid of ber to try and save your long term relationship. Thats not good enpugh. He cant have his cake and eat it so end this now. You need time and space apart. He needs to think he could lose you. Your gone and your never coming back. That may be enough to save it if you really want to but you will need relationship counselling if you ever go back.

Look up the five stages of grief. Be prepared coz u are going to go into a deep depression now and may not come out of it for a year or two. You might need help and a lot of support. Go to a friend now who can help you

good luck xx

[michelle23]

OP i dont want to upset you anymore coz i no how hard this is but with emotional affairs-the things they start thinking are:

Would i be happier with her? Is she my soul mate? Is this love stronger than any other? Should i leave A for B? Then hell start thinking he doesnt love you, hell push you away, become distant, irritable, angry, he may stop sleeping with you, stop being affectionate, stop saying i love you, stop talking to you.

That is exactly what happens. His head is in the clouds, his heart is on his sleeve, hes infatuated and obsessed with her and is deluding himself into believing he loves her.

Of course once he pushes you away and gets closer and clser to her-he will dump you and run to her. Then it will take time for him to come back down to earth. Once reality kicks in and he opens his eyes wide hell start to realize how much he loves you and hell start to hate her but by then its too late coz hes already ripped your heart out and stamped all over it.

This process has began and you shouldnt stick around and wait for all that to happen. You should just get out now and let her have him. Hes proved hes not worth it and you deserve better so my advice is to leave asap and dont look back.

[smackie9]

He is very stuck, and this happens with these things. He does love you, but this attention he is getting from her makes him feel feeling he hasn't felt in awhile. People do get caught up in it, and he is definitely confused as well because to let go either one of you is going to be very painful. He's to blame you are to blame no one is to blame. There is no need to dwell on the cause of it because there is no solid answer for that. If your head is telling to get out then get out. When given some time maybe you will see that this relationship was just in limbo and didn't real meet it's potential for the long haul or maybe he or you were not ready for the long haul. There is a possibility that a separation will help revitalize a second chance, but taking him back will be up to you. The best thing to do is think of yourself and your sanity. As painful as it is, ending it might be the best answer for you.