I don't Believe my Husband - What would you believe? Need Opinions

[JustTooMuch]

My husband of 8 years has always had passwords in his computer and phone. Although this bothered me (slightly), I never really made issue of it until recently. Three days after we discussed the issue he gave me his computer and email passwords. When I logged on there were many empty files. His email was cleared of history and messages. However, I noticed he had almost 400 contacts. I found many concerning contacts but was able to trace two contacts to an escort company in SanDiego. He traveled to SD about four times a year. I asked him about it and at first he said he had no idea how they got there. A few days later (after busting him for lying to me about something else) he admitted to contacting one of the two escorts, but not going through with it. He challenged me to follow the money trail. I did and found two charges (paypal) to Ashley Madison married dating site. One was a charge for a 50 credit package. The other was a charge (14 months later) to delete his account. He first told me that it was a company that tested car fluids (he's a racing guy). Then he told me the bank messed up and added these charges and he disputed it. Then he told me that he was curious and bought the credits but felt immediate remorse and didn't go through with it. Upon asking him why he waited 14 months to delete the profile he said he forgot about it and got a reminder email about it. He told me he used another email account for that site. So I found the other account and it took me a couple days to break the password. The day before I broke the password he had deleted the account and cleared the data. Since then I've found other email accounts (I can't break into), aliases, another dating site (signed up for under his email that matches his zip code and profile). And there was an instance where I found a Vermont Teddy Bear charge on our card after Valentines Day that I didn't receive. He told me he helped his friend get it for his wife. There's more about that but it's a detailed story.

On to today...he continues to deny that he did anything but fantasize. He is going to counseling for sexual addiction. I have left and we have been separated for 2 months now. He is trying to reconcile. However, I am stuck on the fact that I feel certain that he lied to me about what he's done and continues to lie to me. He refuses to take a lie detector test and I swear he'll go to his grave with his secrets. So, I guess my question is...what would you believe? Given all the lies, the deleted history, and the covering up, I feel certain this was more than just fantasy. And I'm stuck. I cannot begin to try to overcome anything if I feel he's still lying to me. Yet he stands firm in his denial. Sometimes I don't know my mind anymore.

Thoughts? Any opinions on this would be helpful.

Thank you.

[searock]

He is lying. You shouldn't get back together with him. Even because you wouldn't be able to trust him even if he were telling the truth (which I don't think he is), and a trust-less relationship is not a relationship worth being in.

[Wakeup]

Yea, I say he was lying as well. Did he go to sex addiction councelling on his own or is he just going to try and get you back? Did you tell him he had to go before you'd consider reconciling with him?

Anyway, I agree with Sea that you shouldn't go back. I can't see how anyone would be able to believe him if he said the sky was blue. He would need to be actively participating in a 12 step programme for addiction before I'd even talk to him again never mind become embroiled emotionally with him again.

If you're looking for permission to stay away from him then you've got mine.

[JustTooMuch]

Thanks Wakeup. I did not tell him to go to counseling but I posted on the TAM website in response to someone else that counseling needs to be self motivated. I also said that mine hasn't even attempted it, which speaks volumes. My husband posted on that thread and then started counseling. So I don't know if it's self-motivated or if he's doing it because of my comment on the forum. That's why I'm switching to this forum. My H is on the other one and he hijacks my threads.

I think what I'm looking for is non-biased opinions of how people would process his actions and his denial. I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. I just don't know what to believe half the time. All the while my gut is churning because I just know.

Thanks so much.

[Wakeup]

I think what I'm looking for is non-biased opinions of how people would process his actions and his denial. I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. I just don't know what to believe half the time. All the while my gut is churning because I just know.

Thanks so much.

Well, I think anyone with a good sense of self-worth and who isn't dysfunctionally codependent would process this exactly as you have by leaving a lying, cheating husband who is addicted to sex. Husbands, in general don't just sign up to sites that enable infidelity, nor do they seek out the names and numbers of escorts in the towns that they do business in just for a hoot.

You know that though and it's understandable that because he's your husband that there is still a bit of "I can't believe he'd do this" in you. Just know that he's a chronic cheater if he's planned all these extra-curricular, pre-meditated cheating opportunities. This evidently is not a "simple" one off indiscretion that he's learned a life lesson from and will never do again.

Sorry you're having to go through all this and it's crappy as well that he found you on the other site and creeps you there. Welcome aboard this forum where hopefully you'll be able to post and contribute without him lurking about.

[michelle23]

hes definately lying to you. im sorry your in this situation. it must be very hard but i think you should stay strong and tell yourself you are not going back.

it sounds like he has been living a double life and betraying you for years. i wonder is he a narcissist? i think sex addiction is just an excuse for pricks like him to get away with it.

you cant believe a word he says and you dont no how long this has been going on. he has secret emails etc and probably also has a secret bank account.

i think you should move on with your life without him, take whatever time you need to grieve the loss and heal emotionally and in time you will be ready to meet someone better than your lying cheating ass of a husband.

if he can lie to your face-then there is no way he truly loves you and i think you can do a lot better.

you should get yourself to a clinic and get tested for stis/stis/ viruses etc asap and also get yourself into counselling if your finding it hard to cope.

then distract yourself and keep busy with family, friends, hobbies, work, study etc. you will get through this and you will come out of it feeling stronger, happier and ready to love again.

look up the five stages of grief so you understand what your going through, cut all contact with him and put yourself first

[JustTooMuch]

Thank you Michelle23. I too think sex addiction is nothing but an excuse for infidelity. He is a narcissist. Everything revolves around him. The family used to walk on eggshells just trying not to set him off. He's been doing better with that and then I found the infidelity. Honestly the hardest thing is I really don't know who he is. I look into his sorrowful and remorseful eyes and I don't recognize what's real. Crazy. Thanks for the post. It's keeping me strong in knowing what I know. I will heed your suggestions.

[michelle23]

dont believe those eyes-hes just manipulating you and by the sounds of it hes very good at it. this is not your fault so dont blame yourself. just keep telling yourself you can do better and believe it.

stay strong. this is a fresh start, a new begining for you and when one door closes-another opens. There are lots of great things to come and theres a reason y your gut was screaming at you to check his emails. im a strong believer in karma and hell get what he deserves but you will end up happy. you mark my words.

you should see this as a blessing and grab the change firmly with both hands. xx

[basilandthyme]

With regards to the trust issues - I'm going back to the beginning.

Insisting on his password and then checking his files and his contacts is very extreme. What issues with him made you feel the need to do this? I can't imagine that any well balanced person would do this *unless* there were red flags left, right and centre....in which case, it makes perfect sense.

Tell us what made you uncomfortable even before you found the info on the PC

[Wakeup]

Yes: Sex addiction is just an excuse to **** other people just as Alcholism is just an excuse to drink a lot. O.o Addiction is an addiction and no matter what one's "drug" of choice is, its still something that has overtaken someone's life to the point of ruining it.

Basil has an interesting question. What Did prompt you to want to investigate his computer habits. JustTooMuch?

[michelle23]

i am not saying sex addiction doesnt exist. what im saying is sonme people use it as an excuse to cheat when itsactually that they are just a selfish bastard.


and unless he gets diagnosed as being a dex addict-i wouldnt believe it.

plus addicts are weak and i do know quite a few personally so your best off walking away from them too.

as far as im concerned it dont even matter whether he has a "problem" or not. she should still run a mile

[Wakeup]

Apparently he's in councelling for it. No one is disputing that she stay away from him. I just wanted you to clarify your statement about sex addiction, which you were sure to do, (no doubt and without exception) So thank you.

[michelle23]

your welcome

[JustTooMuch]

With regards to the trust issues - I'm going back to the beginning.

Insisting on his password and then checking his files and his contacts is very extreme. What issues with him made you feel the need to do this? I can't imagine that any well balanced person would do this *unless* there were red flags left, right and centre....in which case, it makes perfect sense.

Tell us what made you uncomfortable even before you found the info on the PC

Thanks for the question. Actually, the problems began in Hawaii. As soon as we married and my girls and I moved in he suddenly had no interest in me. But he had passwords was on his computer constantly. Additionally, my husband became very aggressive and was emotionally abusive to me and the kids for five years while we were in Hawaii. My mother got sick and I felt the need move back home with the kids two years ahead of my husband's retirement (where he would join us). Over the next two years he would visit and after say two days he would blow up at us. His anger fits were terrible. In December of 2011 he had a fit where he threw his phone at me on a road trip (because the GPS stopped working). I told him then that if he didn't change I was leaving. He went back to Hawaii and over the next 9 months he worked on changing. But I didn't know it. So I spent the next 9 months detaching. When he retired in September of this year he came back changed. I was not expecting the change. So I was working on trust issues then. I didn't know if the change was real and I was doing my best to reinvest emotionally. At that time he asked me if there was anything he could do to help move the process along. I told him I was always concerned about the privacy. He assured me it was nothing but the normal porn activity here and there. Three days later he gave me his passwords and invited me to look at his computer. I did and that's when I found a whole new world of issues.

[JustTooMuch]

Thanks for the question. Actually, the problems began in Hawaii. As soon as we married and my girls and I moved in he suddenly had no interest in me. But he had passwords was on his computer constantly. Additionally, my husband became very aggressive and was emotionally abusive to me and the kids for five years while we were in Hawaii. My mother got sick and I felt the need move back home with the kids two years ahead of my husband's retirement (where he would join us). Over the next two years he would visit and after say two days he would blow up at us. His anger fits were terrible. In December of 2011 he had a fit where he threw his phone at me on a road trip (because the GPS stopped working). I told him then that if he didn't change I was leaving. He went back to Hawaii and over the next 9 months he worked on changing. But I didn't know it. So I spent the next 9 months detaching. When he retired in September of this year he came back changed. I was not expecting the change. So I was working on trust issues then. I didn't know if the change was real and I was doing my best to reinvest emotionally. At that time he asked me if there was anything he could do to help move the process along. I told him I was always concerned about the privacy. He assured me it was nothing but the normal porn activity here and there. Three days later he gave me his passwords and invited me to look at his computer. I did and that's when I found a whole new world of issues.