extremely tough marriage problem, intimacy issues

[Wakeup]

its still wrong. he married her, he got himself into this mess and now he needs to get himself out of it. having his cake and eating it too is wrong. if everyone jumped off a bridge would you follow them? just coz other people are doing it doesnt make it ok. and if he really wanted to cheat he would have done so by now.

its not right to hurt her over and over again. shes not stupid and shell figure it out. its better to end the marriage

It may be better to end YOUR marriage if this was Your situation but it's not so an alternative has been suggested that may just work for the two of them. I would suggest that he tell her what he wants to do first though and if she doesn't want him having sex with other women, then he either leaves her or she steps up and gets sex councelling. She can't have her cake and eat it either.. anymore then you don't think HE should.

Oh and dem's avise wasn't "bad" advise. You simply disagree with it.

[michelle23]

yes i do disagree it. from what i recall he has tried counselling and he has suggested an open relationship but this situation is still the same.

[michelle23]

Well, why throw the baby out with the bath water? There are still positive aspects to his marriage. The sex is the only problem.

I don't think he would be hurting her over and over again. She is afraid of losing his financial support. She doesn't care about a sexual relationship, she just doesn't want to lose his emotional and financial support. There are women whose husbands have affairs and the women are quite happy to oblige and look the other way. This is obviously not a marriage between equals. I don't think your conventional wisdom applies.

those women live in denial or else there marriage is just about convenience. it doesnt make it okay. we should just agree to disagree coz i will never approve of cheating no matter what the circumstance. i always think its better to leave then to put someone through that emotional turmoil.

[dem862]

those women live in denial or else there marriage is just about convenience. it doesnt make it okay. we should just agree to disagree coz i will never approve of cheating no matter what the circumstance. i always think its better to leave then to put someone through that emotional turmoil.

It might be emotional turmoil for you, but for a frigid woman it might be a relief to be free of the burden of her husband's sexual desire. Marriages are not always about sex. At your age, it might be. But as people get older, sexual tastes change and sometimes people get tired of each other. It just happens. No one is to blame. So there are three choices: 1) remain in a sexless marriage, 2) divorce and go your seperate ways, or 3) get sex outside the marriage. You are advocating #2, but the OP clearly states there are significant reasons to stay married. So 1 and 3 are better choices. OP seems to be ruling out 1 because that is what he currently has and it is intolerable. So that leaves 3. It doesn't have to be a seedy affair. There are professional sex workers everywhere in the world. This is not an isolated problem by any means. You are advocating the OP throw his wife out on the street. She has no financial support. She apparently has no job skills or experience. She has no emotional supports except for the OP and his family, who apparently love her. What you are advocating is a much crueler option than the alternative.

[michelle23]

there are other options than your 1, 2 or 3. sex therapy, marriage counselling, books etc etc. lots of options for people who previously had a good sex life but gone stale right now. the OPs situation is different as its not a normal marriage-never has been but she could meet an asexual man or someone who shares her conservatism and it would be a win-win while he could marry a sexually adventurous woman and have it all-again win-win.

anyway i dont give a shit what OP decides to do at this point. if he wants to pay a prozzie for meaningless sex-go aherd, catch an old disease or two while your at it. good luck.

i think its funny that you think an affair is worse than paying for it. if given a choice id rather he have an affair . either way id divorce him anyway but somehow i think those "services" are 100times worse than an affair

[dem862]

there are other options than your 1, 2 or 3. sex therapy, marriage counselling, books etc etc. lots of options for people who previously had a good sex life but gone stale right now. the OPs situation is different as its not a normal marriage-never has been but she could meet an asexual man or someone who shares her conservatism and it would be a win-win while he could marry a sexually adventurous woman and have it all-again win-win.

anyway i dont give a shit what OP decides to do at this point. if he wants to pay a prozzie for meaningless sex-go aherd, catch an old disease or two while your at it. good luck.

i think its funny that you think an affair is worse than paying for it. if given a choice id rather he have an affair . either way id divorce him anyway but somehow i think those "services" are 100times worse than an affair

Well, I thought he exhausted all possibility of compromise with her. That's why I didn't mention therapy. Naturally it is better to adapt, but she doesn't seem willing. He said he would still have to support her, even if she remarries. That's why I thought at least she could do his laundry, cook, clean, and whatever she does, everything but sex.

The only advantage to an affair is you don't have to pay for it. A professional escort, on the other hand, isn't going to go apeshit and try to ruin his marriage or reputation, get pregnant, become dependent, fall in love, etc. They value discretion. They value cleanliness and are more health conscious than some random woman, the type which could be picked up in a bar. Plus most professional sex workers are highly skilled and versatile in bed. They are much more willing to cater to a man's needs and desires. However they are not cheap. You have some major misconceptions about sex workers. I have done quite a bit of research into the subject. I have a lot of respect for these women and the services they provide.

[michelle23]

lol good for you. i hope the hiv is worth it good luck

[dem862]

Nope, I'm in a relationship at the moment, but a professional sex worker uses protection. You have a better chance of catching something from your boyfriend.

[michelle23]

i sincerely doubt that. im bored with this conversation. its going nowhere

[IndiReloaded]

Be extremely careful she doesn't try to get pregnant.

[SmthJay]

Most chinese women are pretty rigid...

(I am not racist, I'm also chinese)

You seem to hold a deep responsibility for being with her I respect you for that.
You're a very caring individual but I can see how it frustrates you.

I know this is completely strange but you should see if you're able to have a 'mistress'

in asian cultures its perfectly acceptable, both my grandpas did it in fact it means that you're a person of status
if you're able to provide for a wife and a mistress.

talk to her about it, if she says no respect what she says... afterall women reach their sexual peak at 40 so it may be a decade before sex.

keep us updated

[SmthJay]

Well, I thought he exhausted all possibility of compromise with her. That's why I didn't mention therapy. Naturally it is better to adapt, but she doesn't seem willing. He said he would still have to support her, even if she remarries. That's why I thought at least she could do his laundry, cook, clean, and whatever she does, everything but sex.

The only advantage to an affair is you don't have to pay for it. A professional escort, on the other hand, isn't going to go apeshit and try to ruin his marriage or reputation, get pregnant, become dependent, fall in love, etc. They value discretion. They value cleanliness and are more health conscious than some random woman, the type which could be picked up in a bar. Plus most professional sex workers are highly skilled and versatile in bed. They are much more willing to cater to a man's needs and desires. However they are not cheap. You have some major misconceptions about sex workers. I have done quite a bit of research into the subject. I have a lot of respect for these women and the services they provide.

I agree men pay for the convenience and for women to have that 'professional' relationship.
Sex workers are not only paid for sex, they are taken out on movie dates, dinner dates, grocery shopping, etc. basically men pay women to engage in fantasies which are normal and sometimes abnormal.

sex workers, both men and women, are subject to emotional abuse if not physical or sexual so it would not be fair for them to be treated so abhorrently by society. I think the shaming of sex workers came from jealous wives who aren't treated as well.

actors are sex workers too btw.. Marilyn Monroe got her gigging by that but apparently she deserves all the respect because she's a sex symbol? no she was a high class glamorized sex worker. Her face was not real btw, she started the plastic trend.
there's too much disparity and unfairness about sex workers and their trade.