Leaving Danny at the altar still haunts me, 12yrs later...

[antoinette_81]

Ok so I'm not sure I need advice, because what's done is done and nothing will ever change or fix this, but I do need a place to talk. He's moved on and happy. And to tell you the truth I'm happy for him, really. But I'll never forgive myself for what I did to him and to our future. Danny and I were high school sweethearts. We really truly loved each other, it wasn't some high school puppy love crap, it was real. He graduated a year ahead of me and decided to join the military. We maintained a 3 year long-distance relationship and everything was going great. He proposed, I said yes, and we started planning our wedding. His family accepted me as their own and I couldn't ask for better in-laws. During this time my parents split up and I didn't know it then, but it really affected me. I started partying hard and just straight up rebelling big time. All this time, he was 3,000 miles away patiently counting the days until we could be married and I could move with him to the base. Well, I ended up sleeping with someone and that's when everything came crashing down on me. Most people would argue that if I truly loved him then I wouldn't have cheated on him, but I honestly did (and still do)! I made a mistake, it happens and some couples can recover from it. But I just couldn't handle the guilt. I made myself believe that if this happened then it was a sign that we shouldn't be together and I broke it off 1 month before the wedding.

At first I was ok. I started putting my life back together, I found an apartment, got some new friends, and just tried to make a life for myself. I constantly pushed my feelings back and kept trying to convince myself that we weren't supposed to be together. Then the depression kicked in. I didn't know why I was depressed at first, because on the surface I was "happy". He finally finished his time in the military and came home. He tried to convince me to get back together with him on a couple occasions, but I kept pushing him away. Even though, deep down I was a wreck and needed him more than anything. But in my demented mind, I just kept telling myself we weren't meant to be. About 3 years after the brk-up, I couldn't bear it anymore and gave in and emailed him. He called me up right away and decided to meet up. We saw each other for about a month, but suddenly he broke it off with me. I knew right then that I deserved to be dumped after what I put him through. But, a week or so later, he called and decided that we really should try again to make it work. By then, I was wary of his intentions and said we should just be friends, but I was lying to myself again. I couldn't shake the paranoia that he really just wanted to get revenge. I know now he didn't but still, I was too scared.

A few years ago I decided to look him up and lo and behold, he was happily married with children. At first, I was so happy for him, but then this wave of regret, guilt, anger, and denial came over me and I lost it. It was like I was grieving over a dead relative. I knew he was gone for good. I'm not the kind of person who only wants what I can't have, even when I could have him I did want him but had so many crazy, ass backwards problems that I just couldn't let myself be happy. He made me happy and I couldn't handle that. Every relationship I've been in since him was messed up in one way or the other. I constantly compare them to him. There hasn't been a day that goes by in these 12 years that I havent thought about him. I've been proposed to twice by ex's and both times had to say no. I honestly can't picture myself being married to anyone but him. In my head, he's still the guy I'm supposed to be marrying. Lately, it's been pretty bad. I constantly cry and obsess over how I messed up and how I hurt him. Sometimes I even wish he would leave his wife, but I know that's wrong to wish that, and try not to think that way. When I have tried to speak to someone about it, they just say, "Well if it's meant to be, then it'll happen." But what they can't see is that it WAS meant to be. I screwed it up!! I couldn't let myself be happy so I had to screw things up! I honestly don't think I'll ever get over this. I hope and pray that one day I'll get another chance to be with him. So sorry for the wall of text, but I have to get this out.

[michelle23]

look you cheated on him so your right you didnt deserve him. you should get some therapy since your still clinging onto the past. dont contact him-hes married so leave him alone.

[IndiReloaded]

And to tell you the truth I'm happy for him, really.

No you aren't. You are feeling sorry for yourself.

There hasn't been a day that goes by in these 12 years that I havent thought about him. I've been proposed to twice by ex's and both times had to say no.

LOL! Well, if you stick around, you'll get help here. But it won't be the help you are hoping for. Be warned.

[antoinette_81]

Well if the first reply is any indication, then I guess this is troll city. But I'm not looking for a pat on the back. I'm not an idiot, I know I did wrong. I guess I'm looking to see if anyone had a similar experience. It's hard to share this with people close to me, most don't understand. I'm the villain, but I still have a heart and a conscience(sp?).

[pcmaster]

Thats the worst thing that can happen to anyone- run away from love. However at first it felt bearable cause you added new things to your life and now life is quiet so past memories coming back again.

There hasn't been a day that goes by in these 12 years that I havent thought about him.

Thats the most insane thing I ever read in this forum

And yes you cant change the past but you can let it go and change the future.

Who have past dont have future, who have future dont have present, who got present got everything.

[VincenzoG91]

You're not a villain. You made a big mistake a long time ago, and now you need to just let go of the regret and get on with your life. Get some therapy before you get involved in another relationship, because you seem to be sabotaging your own happiness.

[overanxious]

you know what....**** it....if its eating you up inside...take a chance...you only live once...let it out...say what you need to....just be aware of the potential consequences...because its 100 percent likely that it will mean nothing to him and it could make you feel even worse.....at least weigh the pros and cons before you act....

[Wakeup]

^^^ Bad advice from a guy who is soooooo totallly not over his codependency and BPD'er ex girlfriend. It's manipulative and self-serving and it's without thought for his wife. Shame.

My only advice to you Op is to keep doing what you've been doing because you deserve what you've placed yourself in. Or do you? Thats up to you to decide and only you can stop "beating yourself up over it."

Don't contact him again or the bad juju that befalls you will be twice as bad as this cesspool of addiction for him you're currently in.

Get professional help to get over your own Whoa is me bullshit... It's time.

[basilandthyme]

A three year long distance relationship? Really high odds of one of the parties finding comfort elsewhere. If he'd been around, this probably wouldn't have happened, would it.

I'm not blaming him for what happened....not at all. I simply don't have much faith in the long distance thing. Don't beat yourself up over it.

[overanxious]

^^^ Bad advice from a guy who is soooooo totallly not over his codependency and BPD'er ex girlfriend. It's manipulative and self-serving and it's without thought for his wife. Shame.

My only advice to you Op is to keep doing what you've been doing because you deserve what you've placed yourself in. Or do you? Thats up to you to decide and only you can stop "beating yourself up over it."

Don't contact him again or the bad juju that befalls you will be twice as bad as this cesspool of addiction for him you're currently in.

Get professional help to get over your own bullshit.

haha...i was just waiting for you to drop in and say that to me...i wasnt really serious....but hey...were human.....we have problems...thats why were here....glad you have everything figured out...therapy is all you suggest...this is a form of therapy...sometimes writing things down and sharing experiences with others helps....this is like our own personal journal

[Wakeup]

We can't help her with what ails her. She's had 12 Years and two proposals that she's turned down over this man THAT SHE NEVER EVEN WANTED but now that he's no longer paying her any attenion she's ruining her own life over memories that she's changed to sound plausible. Her behaviour should be flying some pretty red flags for you, Overanxious. "Go away, no love me?" That is self-destructive and its self-abuse and its emotionally abusive to her ex and his wife if she imposes herself in his life.... and it's a lot of time being addicted for goodness sakes. But glad you were'nt serious.

. It's hard to share this with people close to me, most don't understand.

That's why you should seriously consider seeing a personal counsellor/therapist in order to get over this torch you carry for someone you were afraid to be with in the first place. It's sad that you've wasted all these prime dating years on a ghost.

[Kromat83]

You need to think of what the future holds for you, he's happy with his wife, why can't you be happy with someone else ?

Letting go of the guilt, will let you push forward.

I'm surprised you are worried about this, 12 years after, be happy for him, and just look back what type of person he was, and give someone new a chance, stop being afraid of others, when 2 proposed to you.

Give the 3rd person a chance, finally take the plunge and you'll see that it was the right thing to do, your not getting any younger, and time will just pass you by.

[overanxious]

We can't help her with what ails her. She's had 12 Years and two proposals that she's turned down over this man THAT SHE NEVER EVEN WANTED but now that he's no longer paying her any attenion she's ruining her own life over memories that she's changed to sound plausible. Her behaviour should be flying some pretty red flags for you, Overanxious. "Go away, no love me?" That is self-destructive and its self-abuse and its emotionally abusive to her ex and his wife if she imposes herself in his life.... and it's a lot of time being addicted for goodness sakes. But glad you were'nt serious.
That's why you should seriously consider seeing a personal counsellor/therapist in order to get over this torch you carry for someone you were afraid to be with in the first place. It's sad that you've wasted all these prime dating years on a ghost.

i actually agree with ya....i mean im not going for therapy...because they arent going to tell me anything i havent thought about or dont know....but ya 12 years is awhile...if im still like that in 12 ill go

[overanxious]

We can't help her with what ails her. She's had 12 Years and two proposals that she's turned down over this man THAT SHE NEVER EVEN WANTED but now that he's no longer paying her any attenion she's ruining her own life over memories that she's changed to sound plausible. Her behaviour should be flying some pretty red flags for you, Overanxious. "Go away, no love me?" That is self-destructive and its self-abuse and its emotionally abusive to her ex and his wife if she imposes herself in his life.... and it's a lot of time being addicted for goodness sakes. But glad you were'nt serious.
That's why you should seriously consider seeing a personal counsellor/therapist in order to get over this torch you carry for someone you were afraid to be with in the first place. It's sad that you've wasted all these prime dating years on a ghost.

i actually agree with ya....i mean im not going for therapy...because they arent going to tell me anything i havent thought about or dont know....but ya 12 years is awhile...if im still like that in 12 ill go...although i still think its a little natural to have some feelings of regret on a 1st love...even after 12 years....especially if you are alone

[Wakeup]

Of course "some" but certainly not enough to give up on two marriage proposals and to be posting about it 12 YEARS LATER. You're posting apples to oranges.