Why can't I be "normal"?

[Indestructible]

It's really no secret that my approach to dating and finding someone is... I guess unusual? Not to mention, it kind of makes it more of a challenge than it probably needs to be. For most guys, it's as simple as seeing some random girl in passing and going "She's hot/ cute, I want to go talk to her and ask her out". Me, I don't think that way. I never feel compelled at all to approach random girls in passing, heck, I don't even really pay attention to them unless they initiate contact with me (which is pretty much almost never).

I'm more attracted to a girl's personality, and that's just not something you can determine in passing, or even just by talking to them once or twice. I need a little more time to get to know a girl before I'd ever think "I'd like to go on a date with her". Even still, for a vast majority of girls, I never end up having that thought. You may say I'm "picky", but I feel like I know what I want in a person, I know what kind of girls I'd be best compatible with. I just never seem to encounter them (and when I do, they're not interested for one reason or another).

After I've gotten to know a girl enough, I automatically analyze us and try to figure out if we'd be a good match. I think about whether she's a good match for me, as well as whether I feel I'm a good match for her. Only a small handful have ever passed both those "tests". That's not to say I spend hours overanalyzing every girl I know; no, my brain kind of works like a computer, it just automatically processes this information, and I just know it.

I dunno. People on forums like this say "You're only 24, you're still young", but I really don't feel like I'm THAT young anymore. I'm getting up there in age, and I'd really like to have someone in my life, but I just can't accept the "normal" way guys find dates. I don't want to just ask out a bunch of random girls and hope one of them turns out to be awesome. I'd prefer something along the lines of "friends first" that progresses into something more, but apparently that's not very common at all? Eh. I don't even know how to "meet girls" to become friends with them.

[pcmaster]

I don't want to just ask out a bunch of random girls and hope one of them turns out to be awesome.

Than dont do it and fck off with stupid questions! You dont even want to invest yet you want results. Talk with 100 girls or just one? The 100 is the right answer. Cause you have to be sure that those girls dont have what you are looking for before you give up. If you gona wait for that one girl and do nothing then you wont be able to get her cause you are not the type of guy who makes it right from first try otherwise you wouldnt be single. Quantity over quality and when you have quantity start increasing quality until just one girl stands up to your hight standarts. Start practicing with saying "Hi !"to random to girls on the street and it will help you break out of the aproaching shyness.

Look at these guys. If you look carefully they pretty much ugly but they pushed themself and gained courage which gave them some random sucsess.

youtube.com/watch?v=Ok0y5ZbObDg

[Indestructible]

Than dont do it and fck off with stupid questions! You dont even want to invest yet you want results. Talk with 100 girls or just one? The 100 is the right answer.

Eh, I'm just saying, I've known plenty of happy couples that met in such a way that they had a "friends first" kind of relationship; I've known couples that met through work, college, and even just through friends. That's what I want, but I just don't understand why I can't seem to have that.

Approaching a bunch of random girls that I know nothing about just seems like such a crapshoot. I'm not saying I'm not willing to "do the work", but I just feel like there should be a better way of going about things than just asking out every girl you happen to pass by.

It's hard for me to NOT idealize quality over quantity. I've seen my fair share of unhappy relationships, too. Heck, my entire family is either married to someone they're unhappy with, divorced, or just otherwise perpetually alone. My family consists of people who cheat on each other, people who only got together due to pregnancy, and/ or people that just don't really love each other but felt they had no other options. I think if I found a girl that liked me, even if I wasn't attracted to her, I'd probably end up staying with her for the rest of my life (unless she ended it first) because at least I'd have someone. But I don't want that, I don't want to end up unhappy, like the rest of my family. So that's why quality is such a big deal to me. Most likely, my first girlfriend is going to be my ONLY girlfriend, and if that's the case, she'd better be one heck of a lady, because I don't want to settle for someone I'm not happy with, but I know I would if presented with that option.

[pcmaster]

Oh man you been single for too long. You havent even talked to a girl yet you talk BS like and

found a girl that liked me, even if I wasn't attracted to her, I'd probably end up staying with her for the rest of my life

my first girlfriend is going to be my ONLY girlfriend, and if that's the case, she'd better be one heck of a lady, because I don't want to settle for someone I'm not happy with

(wow you actually put these two sentences in same post)


Dude thats sad. What is wrong with you? You sound so freaking desperate. Once you get out there you will find lots of girls who likes you cause there is even your type girls with unessesary low selfesteem who would settle for anyone. More than you dare to believe. Believe me theres lots of girls who is desperate for a guy and just waiting for someone to aproach them. But the problem is you never did.

Also you taking everything too seriously cause its all about having fun and enjoying what are you doing. But not about pressure to get it right from first time. Also its stupid to compare your possible relationships with unhappy examples like your parrents and other couples cause your relationship gona be as you make it. If you believe in good then its gona be good, but if you start to doubt(what you already doing before it even started) then its gona suck.

Anyway you have a long way to go so start with basics, start with basic communication with girls before you think about having life long relationship.
Some forum members gave you great advice about getting counselling/profesional help what will change your life for better once you try it. Know from my own expierience. They asked me milions of questions and answering to them I understood myself better and who I am where I stand and whats wrong with my life. Also I knew exactly how to change it. And once I was able to open up to those strangers sitting in chair I was able to talk about my emotions with people I know for years and it made a huge diference just because they finaly understood me too.

[stan92964]

You're obviously an antithetical limier thinker. Half the world is in your category.Every personality type has strengths and weaknesses. Those who are the most successful find ways of improving their weaknesses ... or at least coping techniques to improve functioning in life. As far as dating, try connecting on line with women first ... it gives you time to get to know them and get comfortable before you physically meet. You think there aren't women out there that feel just like you do ... there is. And, by the way ... lighten up. Love is emotional not logical. Learn how to just have some fun.

[Indestructible]

As far as dating, try connecting on line with women first ... it gives you time to get to know them and get comfortable before you physically meet.

Yeah, there's a few online dating sites I jump on and off every now and then. Never really see much success there, either. I never really see anything in a girl's profile that makes me want to write her. Every now and then, I'll force myself to just pick a number of girls and write to them, just for the heck of it. Almost none of them write me back, and the rest will write me maybe once, but they don't respond to anything else I say after that.

And, by the way ... lighten up. Love is emotional not logical. Learn how to just have some fun.

People say this a lot, but I always wonder, what is "fun"? I mean, isn't that subjective? I don't really see anything "fun" about asking out random girls and going on a bunch of dates that probably won't go very well because I don't have much of a connection with the girl(s) in question.

[michelle23]

It's really no secret that my approach to dating and finding someone is... I guess unusual? Not to mention, it kind of makes it more of a challenge than it probably needs to be. For most guys, it's as simple as seeing some random girl in passing and going "She's hot/ cute, I want to go talk to her and ask her out". Me, I don't think that way. I never feel compelled at all to approach random girls in passing, heck, I don't even really pay attention to them unless they initiate contact with me (which is pretty much almost never).

I'm more attracted to a girl's personality, and that's just not something you can determine in passing, or even just by talking to them once or twice. I need a little more time to get to know a girl before I'd ever think "I'd like to go on a date with her". Even still, for a vast majority of girls, I never end up having that thought. You may say I'm "picky", but I feel like I know what I want in a person, I know what kind of girls I'd be best compatible with. I just never seem to encounter them (and when I do, they're not interested for one reason or another).

After I've gotten to know a girl enough, I automatically analyze us and try to figure out if we'd be a good match. I think about whether she's a good match for me, as well as whether I feel I'm a good match for her. Only a small handful have ever passed both those "tests". That's not to say I spend hours overanalyzing every girl I know; no, my brain kind of works like a computer, it just automatically processes this information, and I just know it.

I dunno. People on forums like this say "You're only 24, you're still young", but I really don't feel like I'm THAT young anymore. I'm getting up there in age, and I'd really like to have someone in my life, but I just can't accept the "normal" way guys find dates. I don't want to just ask out a bunch of random girls and hope one of them turns out to be awesome. I'd prefer something along the lines of "friends first" that progresses into something more, but apparently that's not very common at all? Eh. I don't even know how to "meet girls" to become friends with them.

I think most mature guys are interested in a girls personality and the majority want more than just "a hot girl". The problem with you is you put yourself in the friend zone by over analyzing everything. Why cant you ask a girl out, go on a few dates, get to know her personality and see how you feel then? If you like her - great, if not-tell her you dont want to see her again and try again with someone else. That is what most people do and it will help you avoid the friendzone in future.

Women expect to be asked out, we expect a man to make the first move and to pay for the first date. We let him do all the work in the beginning while we suss out if hes trustworthy or not and then things shift more equally. If you become her best friend for weeks or months before asking her out-it just confuses her and she puts you in the friends pile and your on the shelf and the next aggressive guy whos not afraid to just ask will get a date.

You should change your approach to dating. Take a chance. It doesnt matter if its a blind date at first. The whole point is to get to know each other and suss out if there is any chemistry or spark etc.

You have a checklist of what you want in a woman but maybe you need to throw that out the window and stop looking so vigorously for the "perfect girl" who ticks every box. There is no such thing. Just throw caution to the wind, take a risk and ask someone out. It could be the love of your life once you have gotten to know her.

[pcmaster]

Michelle have point. One spontaneous date might be all that needs to open your eyes for a better life.

Do first, think later !

[YoungCosmo]

Women expect to be asked out, we expect a man to make the first move and to pay for the first date. We let him do all the work in the beginning while we suss out if hes trustworthy or not and then things shift more equally.

Oh boy; free meals, no effort and a chauffeur for no cost! That's a buncha horse shit! Jesus, women have such strong sense of self-entitlement: "I expect you, the man, to pay for everything. I expect you, the man, to carry conversation. I expect you, the man, to do anything that requires effort. I expect you, the man, to trim my hedges, wash the dishes, fix my car, murder my ex and dump his chopped up body in SF Bay..."

[overanxious]

Oh boy; free meals, no effort and a chauffeur for no cost! That's a buncha horse shit! Jesus, women have such strong sense of self-entitlement: "I expect you, the man, to pay for everything. I expect you, the man, to carry conversation. I expect you, the man, to do anything that requires effort. I expect you, the man, to trim my hedges, wash the dishes, fix my car, murder my ex and dump his chopped up body in SF Bay..."

haha....its funny...i always took my ex out to eat to nice places....or we got takeout...i paid almost every time....i think the two times she paid for dinner she had this look on her face like "really...wtf"....

ive been on dates with several girls since then...sometimes multiple dates....and the girls have always offered to pay half....

[pcmaster]

Cosmo, you talk like you spend a fortune on dates already. Its actually nice to lead the first date cause things are just the way you want them. Ofcourse no one wants to pay but then again you spend as much you decide its about where you set date to be. Again you dont want girl pay for the stuff cause it will ruin her mood at the end of the date as you will understand when you will the one who pays lol.

And you havent been on a date yet already complaining about stuff that never happened like

to trim my hedges, wash the dishes, fix my car,

.

[YoungCosmo]

Girls are the best capitalists.

[Indestructible]

The problem with you is you put yourself in the friend zone by over analyzing everything.

If you become her best friend for weeks or months before asking her out-it just confuses her and she puts you in the friends pile and your on the shelf and the next aggressive guy whos not afraid to just ask will get a date.

No offense, but I just don't buy the idea that time is what puts someone in the "friend zone". Like I said, I've known plenty of people that knew their significant other for a little while before they started dating. Heck, the last girl I liked knew her current boyfriend for the exact same amount of time she knew me, and they only just started dating a few months ago. From all the descriptions I've heard, I think the main reason guys end up in the "friend zone" is because they get desperate and start bending over backwards for a girl but are too afraid to ask her out. I don't do any of that. I never become that stupid little "puppy dog" or door mat, or whatever you want to call it. I think as long as there is a certain level of emotional distance there, you likely won't end up in the friend zone.

Further, I'm not "afraid" to ask a girl out. But I just never find myself thinking "I'd like to go on a date with that girl". I'm not necessarily running every girl through some checklist, but I need something to trigger that "I want to ask her out" thought in my head. Honestly, I don't even know when exactly it happened with the last girl. We just started talking a lot and spending a decent amount of time together, and somewhere along the lines, I had that thought.

Women expect to be asked out, we expect a man to make the first move and to pay for the first date. We let him do all the work in the beginning while we suss out if hes trustworthy or not and then things shift more equally.

*shrug* I don't have any problems paying for the date, or anything like that. That's not my concern at all, really. I just don't really see the idea of asking out random girls I don't have any connection with and going on not-so-good dates with them as being very "fun" and "exciting", so I'm not sure where the idea of "have fun" comes into play.

You have a checklist of what you want in a woman but maybe you need to throw that out the window and stop looking so vigorously for the "perfect girl" who ticks every box. There is no such thing. Just throw caution to the wind, take a risk and ask someone out. It could be the love of your life once you have gotten to know her.

Let me put this another way, a way I haven't really spelled out before (not that I remember, anyway). When I'm out around people, I typically feel the need to "hold back" on my personality. I find that most people don't really "get" me or my sense of humor, so I hold back, I dumb down my personality, and I try to just be the nice, quiet, inoffensive "doesn't want to get on anyone's bad side" type. I don't like holding myself back and sort of "putting on an act", but I feel it's a necessary evil, because I don't want people to take what I say and do in the wrong way.

It's not so much that I have a "checklist" and am "looking for the perfect girl", but what I want most is someone that I don't have to "hold back" and "put on a show" for. Someone I really feel like I can just be me around. I don't find this very often. I realized pretty early on that I felt this way about that last girl I liked. I want someone I can "play" with, someone I can joke around with and playfully tease, someone who can give it right back to me. The less I feel like I have to "hold back" around a girl, the more quickly this develops. So again, I'm not necessarily sitting here going "She has to have this and that, and blah blah blah". I'm just trying to find someone that I feel I can truly be myself with.

[meloveulongtime]

I feel the same exact way Indestructible. I've realized what I want and and who I am to realize how hard now to open myself up to someone who is worth while. I agree with u also that I won't just date and any random guy unless I feel the connection. He can woo me all he wants but connection is base on a deeper level. Im a hopeless romantic inlove and think I will be single for a very long time. Maybe never be in a relationship again.

My last relationship, eventho we didn't officially date, hurted me pretty deep and made me realize I rather be friends with them then put myself in another destructive emotional rollercoaster.

[meloveulongtime]

I rather be single with a best friend than in a relationship, miserable stuck and unhappy, AGAIN! I've always been that support living girlfriend who would ride and die till the end but realize the vast majority doesn't think or feel like mme. To that, I toast the rest of my days to making me happy and exploring the world. All I need is one good road dog if not a best fiend I and the rest, I can accept and cherish.