Ladies, am I being too critical of his female friendships?

[lalalita]

I've come from various bad relationships where female "friends" have never quite been just that. I was engaged to a man who very incapable of keeping females at a platonic level, and it has left a very, very bad taste in my mouth when it comes to men who keep close female company. (I also, just in general, have major trust issues from said past relationship)

The man I am currently involved with (we are not yet in a relationship, because I am admittedly horrified of being hurt) has many female friends. One of which, he refers to as his "sis", who is his best friend.

This, honestly, makes me want to run away screaming.

Aside from this, this man is amazing. He's poliet, respectful, chivalrous, and we share the same desires in terms of a future (marriage, babies). There was a recent situation that brought this issue I have to a head. He had a female friend of his, who lives out of the area, stay at his apartment for the weekend. He didn't mention it till she was in route, and our communication that weekend was few and far between (we usually are in almost constant text communication). This autmotically made me horribley uncomfortable, paranoid and totally turned off.

I confronted him about this via text, and last night we got the chance to finally talk about it in person (we both work alot). He was *very* apologetic, kept telling me how much he cares about me and how horrible he felt for making me uncomfortable. "I want to slam my head into a wall" was his response for possibley jeopardizing our progress.

He basically said if we were in a relationship, he would feel 100% comfortable not having those females in his life...except his best friend. He would want me to meet her and hopefully be able to become friends with her myself. I appreciate the gesture, but situations like that feel very forced and fake to me.

This is something I *TOTALLY* understand and agree with, and I would never want him to *ever* cut people out of his life...I just don't know if I could be in a relationship with him. I have alot of respect for him and I don't want to "ruin" his life with my issues or have him have to deal with that.

I really need a female opinion on this.

[basilandthyme]

A man's best female friend should be his girlfriend. Now, there are some women who would be fine with a man having a BF who is a girl - but I very much doubt they'd be in the majority. And for what it's worth, there are lots of great men out there who don't have very close female friends.

Anyway, it's wise that you haven't jumped into a relationship with him. You don't like the way he socialises....sounds like a fail to me.

Having said that, if you're so terrified of getting hurt, then you're not in the right space for building a new relationship. All relationships come with risk - and if you're not able to cope with the risk, then work on your own resilience first.

[searock]

A man's best female friend should be his girlfriend.

^^^ This.

You are right in feeling uneasy, the relationship he has with this "best friend" of his is way too emotional and intimate to not be a red flag. Stay away from guys who have "sister-like best friends". YOU should be your boyfriend's best friend, that's all there is to say.

I'll list a couple of examples to corroborate the point:

I was once my boyfriend's best female friend while he was in a long distance relationship with another girl, and he was my male best friend while I was in a relationship with another guy. We eventually broke up with our respective partners and got together, we're now almost 2 years in and love each other more than ever. The connection one has with one's best friend is just incomparably superior.

A female friend of mine was in a relationship with a guy who had an alleged "female best friend" whom he knew since high school (my friend and him were/are in their early 20s). He would invite her to his parent's house (while he never invited my friend), go on trips with her alone, keep in contact every day, and so on. My friend let it pass for a long time (almost an year) and tried to not play the jealous girlfriend part, but eventually it got way out of hand, to the point that her boyfriend would systematically lie to cover the fact that he was emotionally cheating on her with the other girl. My friend eventually told him "either you change some parts of your relationship with your female friend (i.e. you stop having an emotional affair with her), or we break up". He replied "I would never change any part of my relationship with her, because it's too strong and beautiful", so they broke up. It was clear at that point that he cared more for his "friend" than for his actual girlfriend.

It is important to note that it's perfectly fine to have opposite-sex friends: the problem only arises when they are considered "best friends", they keep in contact every day, etc. For example: my boyfriend has a female friend whom he knows since they were toddlers (their families are close). He has never been romantically interested in her, nor her to him. I've seen them together, I've seen them interact with each other, and I can tell for a fact that they are not attracted to each other and that their relationship is purely a friendship relationship. They only keep in touch once in a while (like, once every two months or so). I know that they really are "just friends", which is why I am not jealous, e.g. he has gone on a 4-days trip with her in another country last summer, they slept in the same room (separate beds of course), and I wasn't worried at all.

Another example: I have a male close friend and I am not attracted to him, nor him to me. We don't keep in touch every day, my boyfriend knows him and is good friends with him. It's a completely "innocent" friendship.

So the point is (wow, I didn't plan to write so much): it's ok to have friends of the sex you are attracted to. It's NOT ok to have a friend of the sex you are attracted to whom you consider your "best friend" and with whom you share an extremely intimate emotional connection, that you consider to be superior to any other friendship of yours, if you are not in a relationship with such "best friend".

[stev123]

Every relationship is a risk. Chances are people make friends and thats understandable, although you are too vague with this 'friend' of his, both parties don't really have female friends unless it's sexual, so he must be playing or he is just like that. You are being a bit critical, but I'd understand where you came from, and if a girl I liked had a very close male friend I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. Honestly, everyone will have emotional affairs at stages, but its how people deal with them that counts.

[HeheMan]

A man's best female friend should be his girlfriend.

This is not only false but somewhat creepy and codependent. A woman saying it makes it sound controlling.

Did you read the OP? They're "involved" - they're not even boyfriend and girlfriend.

[HeheMan]

He was *very* apologetic, kept telling me how much he cares about me and how horrible he felt for making me uncomfortable. "I want to slam my head into a wall" was his response for possibley jeopardizing our progress.

Sounds like you got this guy pretty whipped.

[searock]

A man's best female friend should be his girlfriend.

This is not only false but somewhat creepy and codependent.

What are you talking about? It is the truth... anyone with a minimum amount of experience in good relationships knows it.

[HeheMan]

What are you talking about? It is the truth... anyone with a minimum amount of experience in good relationships knows it.

No, it's creepy and controlling and only an insecure woman would think that way. Say I've been going out with a woman for 2 months, we're now boyfriend and girlfriend - suddenly she should be my best female friend? Sorry, no way. Creepy!

[Wakeup]

The man I am currently involved with (we are not yet in a relationship, because I am admittedly horrified of being hurt) has many female friends. One of which, he refers to as his "sis", who is his best friend.

This, honestly, makes me want to run away screaming.

Your gut is telling you something and I think you shoud listen to it. You are fundamentaly imcomplatible. He won't change, you'll not change him and you sound set in your own ways as well. Why continue on in this "involvment" when being with the man (and who he is) makes you want to run screaming?

Find a guy who has male friends as BFF's.

While you're searching for a more compatible partner, try some councelling to get over your fear and baggage from your last adventures in dating.

[searock]

No, it's creepy and controlling and only an insecure woman would think that way. Say I've been going out with a woman for 2 months, we're now boyfriend and girlfriend - suddenly she should be my best female friend? Sorry, no way. Creepy!

We are referring to people in long-term relationships. Clearly this doesn't apply to people who are just starting to know each other.

The rule applies to the case at hand because the OP shouldn't even consider beginning a relationship with a guy who has already made clear that he would never give up his emotional relationship with his "best female friend".

[HeheMan]

We are referring to people in long-term relationships. Clearly this doesn't apply to people who are just starting to know each other.

Well clearly if you read the OP they are just starting to know eachother.

Derpderpderp.

[searock]

Well clearly if you read the OP they are just starting to know eachother.

It's irrelevant, since "A man's best female friend should be his girlfriend" is a general rule (you seem to take pride in your intelligence, so I'm a bit surprised you didn't understand this).

The rule applies to the case at hand because the OP shouldn't even consider beginning a relationship with a guy who has already made clear that he would never give up his emotional relationship with his "female best friend".

Basically, the position has already been filled - there's no place for the OP.

[HeheMan]

It's irrelevant, since "A man's best female friend should be his girlfriend" is a general rule. The rule applies to the case at hand because the OP shouldn't even consider beginning a relationship with a guy who has already made clear that he would never give up his emotional relationship with his "female best friend".

No, it's not a "rule" that people should forsake long-standing friendships for people they barely know just because they "might" have a relationship at some point. The only "rules" in a relationship are those which the people involved agree upon.

Relationships come and relationships go. True friendships can last a lifetime. I would not give up a friendship for any woman. SOWWWWYYYYYY, but you're just not that special.

[searock]

You do understand that we are talking about female "best friends"?

[michelle23]

Oh for gawds sake hehe man go and get some therapy or get hypnotised to turn yourself gay co z u obviously have many issues with women.

OP my advice is to cut contact with this guy and dont bother going out with him again. He shouldnt be that close to any girl unless she is his gf.

It is true that your best friend should be your partner. Obviously it takes time for that love and friendship and trust to grow but him being that close to his female bff is a recipe for distaster. Weve seen it here numerous times "my best friend of eleven years just confessed hes in love with me", "just realized i have feelings for my best friend" just to mention a few.

Go and find a man who has male friends and the only woman hes looking to get close to will be you

best of luck