Want to mend my relationship with myself (18m) and my ex (18f)

[BigZee]

Sorry for the wall of text


**tl;dr:** I was an abusive and controlling boyfriend, she put up with it, we started to get better, she became controlling, I talked to a few girls behind her back, she found out, broke up with me. I'm trying to win her back. She still loves me, I've changed, and we get better, but her fear gets in the way, and I start all over. How can I show her she can trust me, and I've truly changed? Also, because of where I grew up, I get really bothered by things like bikinis. I feel that it shows too much skin. I know it's not normal, and want to change that about myself. Any help?


Alright, for everyone to understand this fully, I'm gonna start from the beginning. So, I grew up in Pakistan, with a conservative muslim family. After living in north america for a while, I became a lot more open than I was before. But there were still things that really bothered me. So, fast forward to the end of grade 10, I meet this girl, and we're talking a lot and what not. I ask her out, she basically said no, and friendzoned me. I kept chasing her, and she fell for me, but wasn't ready to be in a relationship. Her reason? "I don't want my ex-bf to be sad, I'm not sure how he'll take it" At this point, they were still good friends. It didn't bother me that they were friends, but it bother me that he was her reason for saying no. So, this lasts about two months, and we're basically dating, but not official. Because we werent official, and no one really knew what was happening between us, and one day her ex randomly just kisses her, and that really upset me. She told me that "oh i told him never to do something like that again, blah blah." So, I confronted her about it one night, and told her that I was tired of her putting her ex's feelings above mine, and that if she wanted to be with me, then she needed to make her decisions, and that she was just leaving me hanging. The next day she asked me out.


So, we're going out, and it's great, other than the fact that she lives in another city (We met because of a mutual friend). So we're long distance from the very beginning. Now, we were talking one night, and I find out that her and her ex almost had sex and what not. Now, this is where part I'm not proud of starts. It was really hard for me to accept that she had gone that far with her ex, and it really hurt me. I began to become more and more controlling. I asked her to cut him out of her life, and she did. I began to give her rules about what she could wear, and what she couldn't wear, who she could talk to, and so on. I would get upset over little things, and generally was a total little shit. She put up with it all. She listened to everything, accommodated as much as she could for me. Over the course of our relationship, I started to get better. Less controlling and so on.


Fastforward to summer of grade 12. She was working, and it was essentially full time. She wasn't normally home, didn't talk to me much at work, and at night would hang out with her cousins, we would talk for about an hour, and then she would want to go to bed because she was tired. This continued for essentially the entire summer. Now, for some people that's fine, but for us, we had been talking every single day, essentially all day. To this day, there hasn't been a day where we haven't talked since we met. Anyways, so I felt ignored, lonely and I talked to her about it. She said that she felt that one hour was enough, and that I was making a big deal for no reason.


Fastforward to first year university, we go to different universities, and I was really busy with school. I was at school a lot, came home late, was normally busy, etc. She was really lonely in semester one, and for that I feel terrible. It was essentially how I was during the summer. She never really told me that she was lonely when I was gone. Somedays she would be like "hey, i'm really lonely can you please come home?" and I would come home. I guess i'm at fault for not realizing that she was lonely all the time.. But, she started to become a little more controlling. She started to ask me so not talk to any girls. I distanced myself from them to an extend, however still communicated with them when I needed to. I guess I didn't really distance myself from them all that much. I would still talk to some girls behind her back.


Fastforward to semester two, she found out. She was torn apart, she was crying, and she dumped me. It was that moment that everything flashed through my mind, and I realized how horrible I had been to her, how much I had hurt her. I cried my eyes out, and begged her for forgiveness, I asked her to give me another chance, and for weeks she was distant. I mean, we still talked, but it was mostly her yelling at me, telling me to go die, or that she hoped I was dead, or that I was worse than the scum of the earth, etc. She ran back to her ex for comfort, they started talking again, she would continuously tell me about how caring he is, and how he complements her in every sentence, continuously asks her out and really cares about her. It felt like she was just trying to do whatever she could to hurt me. So, this was near valentines day, and I went, bought her an awesome teddy bear, expensive chocolates, wrote her a letter, and bought her flowers. I bussed three hours to her university, and showed up at her door. She saw me, and literally froze. She stood there doing nothing. I went to her room, put my stuff down, and was about to leave. She grabbed my hand, and took me to her room. She didn't do much talking, just started to bring stuff I gave her to me. She was trying to give it all back. I took a few things, but left the rest. While I was there, her ex texted her. She picked it up, showed it to me, and was like "See? a complement in every sentence. Man, he must really care about me." She had to go to class, so she went to class, and told me to clean and vaccum her room, so I did. After she came back, I went home.


We continued to talk every night. I would get calls in the middle of the night from her. Sometimes she would yell at me, tell me off, hang up on me, and refuse to answer my calls, then call me 4 hours later, and despite the fact that I had tried to call her back like 20 times, and text her, she would still get mad at me if I fell asleep from exhaustion, to her that meant that I didn't love her. So, we go through this phase, and things start to get better. We start talking more, becoming more and more friendly, etc etc. She was had never wanted to drink before. But for some reason, she wanted to drink with me (neither of us had drank alcohol at all at this point) really badly now. So, we talk a lot more, she tells me about how she felt neglected because I never called her, she would always call me, I never asked to come over, she would ask me. So, I asked her if I could come over, and she said yes. So we talked about it more, and decided that I would come over, stay for the weekend, and sleep on the couch. So, I go over, we're talking, she was really shy, as if it was her first time ever being alone with me, but she started to warm up. When she wanted to sleep, I told her I would go sleep on the couch, but she told me that id be too far from her, so I told her I would be on the couch, and she could just get me if she needed anything, but she said that it was still too far, so I told her I would sleep on the ground beside her bed. She didn't want me to, because she was afraid it was too uncomfortable, but I insisted on sleeping on the floor. I essentially got a bed ready, and was laying down. We turned off the light, and she grabbed my arm and pulled me on the bed. We cuddled all night.


I finally felt that things were starting to get better. We started to talk more, things started to go back to the way they used to be. She kept talking about drinking together, and I asked her why all of a sudden she wanted to drink together so bad, and her reason was that "Maybe if I drink, i'll be more exciting and fun, and you wont lie to me and be with other girls" When she said that, my heart melted, and I cried myself to sleep because of what I had done to her. I went over again, we bought drinks, got set up, played poker, drinking games, and so on. Neither of us enjoyed the taste of alcohol however, it made her brave, and she came on to me. We had sex (wasn't the first time, our sex life during our relationship was great) and cuddled all night. The next day we had sex twice, and just talked. We generally stayed up late at night just talking. So, I went home, we kept talking.
Everything was going amazing, until one night we had a fight. I honestly don't remember what it was about, but I was laying in bed talking to her on the phone, and she was scared our relationship would become how it used to be, and I assured her it wouldn't, made her laugh, cheered her up, and put her to bed. I went to her house again that weekend, we continued to have sex (no alcohol this time), cuddle together, watch tv shows, and stay up all night talking. The next day I asked if I could come over, I wanted to surprise her with a few gifts to cheer her up, she said yes. I went over, gave her chocolate and a teddy bear. I stayed over, we would stay up at night talking lovingly. Everything is going amazing. At this point in time, I haven't heard her say I love you in months.


Exam season rolls around, I finish my exams 4 days before her, so she asked if I could come over until she finished hers. I went over, and we cuddle together every night, just hang out, talk, etc. I'm a heavy sleeper, and fall asleep really easily. We were laying in bed and talking, and I was exhausted so I was falling asleep. To keep me awake, she was essentially punching my arm and telling me to stay awake so we could talk. The next day, randomly she was like babee i love you, I looked at her and I was like I love you too, and then she froze up again, and just said oh uhm, i didnt mean it, i didn't mean it.


So, fast forward to the end of her exam, we packed up her room, I found things she made for me, and I just sat in the corner and cried about how horrible I was to her, she comforted me and told everything would be okay. I headed home, everything was still great. We decided this summer, since we're both working fulltime we're gonna have a date night every week (we're still broken up at this point). Our first date night (yesterday), we had a fight near the end, but I managed to cheer her up, and everything was great again. Our anniversiy would be today, so we were talking on skype last night, and I told her I was exhausted. I accidentally fell asleep in my chair at 11:30pm, I woke up at 12:15am, and saw she was offline on skype, and sent me a long text about how she hates me, and feels that I always go back to my old habits, and I'm just putting on an act to win her back. She was being cold and distant, but I managed to calm her down, and put her to bed. I could barely sleep, and I'm just sitting here typing this up, she's probably asleep right now. I really don't know what to do. I really want her back, and I'm willing to go the extra mile for it. I want to help build our trust up again, and let her know that I'll never treat her the way I used to. I feel like I'm on a loop, we always get better, her fear grips her, she gets really mad about something, she hates me, I comfort her, and we start to get better again. I want her to be happy, and I know that she still loves me because of how she is around me, but I want to help her get over her fear. How can I help her get over her fear?


Also, because of where I grew up, I get really bothered by things like bikinis. I feel that it shows too much skin. I know it's not normal, and want to change that about myself. Any help?

[Valixy]

It seems to me that the less controlling you became, the most controlling and manipulative she started to be. Yes, you both made some mistakes, she had her ex hanging there for a long time and you were too jealous and possessive many times, but you have changed a lot and you asked her to forgive you many times. When did she ever ask you to forgive her for behaving like a selfish ignorant with you? What kind of girl shows you the texts of her ex, speaks highly of him, goes to class and asks you to vacuum clean her room? What kind of girl gets upset that you need to sleep and sends you hateful messages for sleeping? I just don't get it. And you cry and cry and cry every time and ask her to forgive you again and again and again and you are still willing to go the extra mile?!

It's time for your girlfriend to grow up a little bit, forget what happened at the beginning of your relationship, forgive you once and for all for any inconveniences and pains you could cause her and start having a decent, healthy, positive, relationship, in which falling asleep is not a crime and you don't have to cry every day.

Can you see how much you're suffering? Do you think that this is how love it should be? It's time for you to tell her now that she's been hurting you and you deserve to be treated with trust and generosity, understanding and love. It's time for you to ask for some basic respect and attention. You can't and shouldn't be the only one who spoils with attention, texts, presents, etc.

And let her wear whatever she wants meanwhile she looks beautiful and respects the occasion. Be proud and enjoy that you have an atttractive girlfriend.

[BigZee]

It seems to me that the less controlling you became, the most controlling and manipulative she started to be. Yes, you both made some mistakes, she had her ex hanging there for a long time and you were too jealous and possessive many times, but you have changed a lot and you asked her to forgive you many times. When did she ever ask you to forgive her for behaving like a selfish ignorant with you? What king of girl shows you the texts of her ex, speaks highly of him, goes to class and asks you to vacuum clean her room? What kind of girl gets upset that you need to sleep and sends you hateful messages for sleeping? I just don't get it. And you cry and cry and cry every time and ask her to forgive you again and again and again and you are still willing to go the extra mile?!

It's time for your girlfriend to grow up a little bit, forget what happened at the beginning of your relationship, forgive you once and for all for any inconveniences and pains you could cause her and start having a decent, healthy, positive, relationship, in which falling asleep is not a crime and you don't have to cry every day.

Can you see how much you're suffering? Do you think that this is how love it should be? It's time for you to tell her now that she's been hurting you and you deserve to be treated with trust and generosity, understanding and love.

And let her wear whatever she wants meanwhile she looks beautiful and respects the occasion.

Whenever I try to bring up something like that, she brings up the fact that I talked to girls behind her back and was controlling. I feel terrible, even today she's been giving me the cold shoulder to an extent, and I really don't know what to do. Some days I feel we can salvage the relationship, other days I feel I can't. I really don't know what to do, It's as if all my hardwork gets thrown down the drain in one second.

In terms of the clothing, most of it I'm fine with now, it's just stuff like bikinis that just, it really bothers me a lot.. Is there any way I can get over that?

[Valixy]

So will she punish you all your life for talking to other girls? Can you see how ridiculous and unfair this is ? Can she forgive and forget and give a real chance to this relationship and start treating you decently? I am beginning to doubt that she blames you because she is still feeling hurt, most likely she does it because she likes the power feeling she gets from accusing you and enjoys being in control. This is becoming a very unhealthy, consuming and negative relationship for both of you and you should not accept to be put in the corner anymore for something that happened in the past and you apologised. You two should decide for a new fresh start and and start experiencing some joy together. There have been too many tears!

When does she wear bikini? At the beach I suppose?

[BigZee]

So will she punish you all your life for talking to other girls? Can you see how ridiculous and unfair this is ? Can she forgive and forget and give a real chance to this relationship and start treating you decently? I am beginning to doubt that she blames you for still feeling hurt and to think that she simply likes the power feeling she gets from accusing you and enjoys being in control. This is becoming a very unhealthy, consuming and negative relationship for both of you and you should not accept to be put in the corner anymore for something that happened in the past and you apologised. You two should decide for a new fresh start and and start experiencing some joy together.

When does she wear bikini? At the beach I suppose?

I honestly don't think she could ever be capable of doing that. To her it was just a huge thing. I mean, I was the world to her, and she's the world to me. I'm was her best friend, closest friend, the person she'd always run to, and that's what she was for me. I don't go out as much anymore because she tends to get upset about it, I skipped a meetup with my highschool friends because she was upset about me going. She seems horrible now, but honestly when we were together she was a dream. Now, at times shes loving, and caring, but at other times she's cold and distant. I know that under all the armor she puts up, is the little girl I love. Shes sitting in there crying. She acts strong, and like she doesn't need me, and that act works when shes with her family, and friends, but at night when she's alone and can't sleep because of her insomnia, she'll be up crying at night. Even before, she would call me in the middle of the night, not yelling, not screaming, just crying and saying "How could you do this to me". It was really a wound in her heart, and I want to do whatever I can to mend our relationship.

In terms of the bikini, she does not wear one. However, the reason why I brought it up is, as far as I know, the bikini is the most revealing piece of clothing, and if I can accept her wearing that, everything else would follow.

[BigZee]

Just a while ago, she texted me telling me that her family was having some issues today. So I said "If you need anything, I'm here for you" and she replied "I do need you... I wish you wouldn't have done bad to me" And It's just moments like that that make me hate myself so much, and I just want to make her forget, to make it better, but I don't know how.. I mean, even now she calls me hubby..

[Valixy]

You either get together over your wounds or there's no happy future here. She hurt you with her ex, then you hurt her by speaking with other girls, now she's hurting you for speaking with those girls...Will this ever stop?

You will have to make it stop together. Try to make her aware of this.

A girl that would never wear bikini at the beach would look a little bit strange. It's just swimwear. Would you be more comfortable with a one piece bathing suit?

[BigZee]

You either get together over your wounds or there's no happy future here. She hurt you with her ex, then you hurt her by speaking with other girls, now she's hurting you for speaking with those girls...Will this ever stop?

You will have to make it stop together. Try to make her aware of this.

A girl that would never wear bikini at the beach would look a little bit strange. It's just swimwear. Would you be more comfortable with a one piece bathing suit?

I'm afraid if I bring it up, she'll just get mad at me for hurting her and I'll be back at the beginning again.

To be entirely honest, I would be more comfortable in a one-piece bathing suit. I wouldn't be comfortable showing that much of my body.

[Valixy]

It seems to me that she is living and re-living that drama continuously, so there's nothing that you would bring up. You could tell her how much she is hurting herself by doing that, how much you're suffering because of that too and how sad and unstable your relationship is becoming. Emphasise how much you wish you could see her happy, trusting each other and enjoying this beautiful time of your lives.

If she preferes a one-piece bathing suit to bikini, fine, some girls do that, but it should be her choice, the same way you would choose your own swimwear. Just wear some swimming trunks and relax little by little. It's just the human body enjoying the sun and sea and nothing more. You didn't come in this world wearing clothes, did you?

[BigZee]

It seems to me that she is living and re-living that drama continuously, so there's nothing that you would bring up. You could tell her how much she is hurting herself by doing that, how much you're suffering because of that too and how sad and unstable your relationship is becoming. Emphasise how much you wish you could see her happy, trusting each other and enjoying this beautiful time of your lives.

If she preferes a one-piece bathing suit to bikini, fine, some girls do that, but it should be her choice, the same way you would choose your own swimwear. Just wear some swimming trunks and relax little by little. It's just the human body enjoying the sun and sea and nothing more. You didn't come in this world wearing clothes, did you?

Is there anything I can do to help her realize that the drama is over, and it wont ever happen again?

I see what you're saying, it's just.. It's hard for me to accept it. But I guess it'll take time.

[pcmaster]

Run, man, run ! You sounded like cool guy at the beginning of the story until this paranoid girl started to cry about how you talk with other girls. Then you became vegetable. She isolated you destroyed your confidence with treating like a shit and started to dominate. Now you are not fun anymore cause now you are running after her decreasing your self-esteem and boosting her ego. First of all show some backbone. Never change completely for someone. You need something that you will never change and be stubborn about it even if it's not good. Cause once you let someone change who you are completely you are not a fighter anymore. There must be something that you will never change for her.

Also its great that you care about her but you must care about yourself at least as much cause you wouldn't be able to care about others at your best if you not the same strong guy as before. most important thing in life is life. Its your life. Also healthy and interesting life is powerful tool to attract and keep girls cause they want part of it.

Never let her insult you ! Do you insult her and say that you hate her? Dont think so so don't be the dog who takes the beating yet always running after his abuser to give him some love. If you want this to work then you have to make this equal. If you would give her the shit she's giving to ya then it would be long over already. And eventually you will give her back what you received cause that's how circle of violence works. SO don't let her use any words like "I hate you" if you don't want to abuse her like that in future.

Good that you want to help her but you can help her only to a degree that you can help yourself and start with stopping being afraid of losing her or hurting her. Sometimes the best way how to help someone close to you is becoming stronger version of yourself. Also she might be so insecure because of you pussyness. Doubt and insecurity is infectious. As well as confidence and courage, optimism. Give her some compliments every day its a good way to encourage person and feel comfortable near you also powerful tool to keep her in your life. Say you love her every week or so. Shes really too much on your mind. You should talk to other girls and calm the fck down. Isolation was the source of the problems in first place. That is why you became so useless next to her. Dont pay attention to her madness cause attention will only feed it. Also don't really try to understand everything cause you never will not even after years. Better just realise that she's a female and they sometimes have mood swings that are not understandable to use cause we have a lot different hormone system and more logic than emotional mind.
Also I'll let the secret out - we are smarter than girls exactly because of this reason and if you don't take her too seriously but see her more like an emotional child, but yourself like adult then its gonna be better for both of you. As long as you respect her nothing is too bad(make sure she respects you too).

Worst thoughts in your mind could be - fear of losing her(if you lose her then you gona lose only nightmare, she was your dream before you got too attached to her) and thinking that you are not good enought. This thought might come from thinking that shes special. Shes not, as you will understand after milion years of crying.

Let her run after you but don't run after her be a man(its the strenght thats atractive not the weakness).

This will help you

Wow... he let me treat him this way, he let me do this to him. He is afraid to be man, if he lets me do this thing to him, what else will he let me do? Will he protect me when I need him? Maybe not, if he is afraid to put me in my place. How can he protect me from another man when I need him? He is not the secure guy I thought. He looks weak to me. I can manipulate him now to do what I want him to do. I can get away with anything now. I can do what I want. I'm in control of things now. He is not. He will jump through my hoops. I can tell him what to do. How can I take him seriously anymore when he won't stand up to me? He is not a challenge, maybe I need to look for another guy. His insecure behavior really disgusts me. He is not a man that I need. I have to let him go. I need another guy. He is gone, we are over.

youtube.com/watch?v=GdnYedTpToA

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People will rate you, hate you, break you, but how strong you stand is what makes you.

If no one hates you that means you doing something wrong.

[Valixy]

Well, be as loving, honest and dedicating as you can be, but let her know that you can't change how she's wired. Getting in control of her emotions and thoughts and start separating what's real from unreal, what's positve and what's not, it's something that only she can do. She could use some positive mental exercises, practice meditation, ignore those insecure thoughts and oppose herself to playing those memory and imagination films in her head where you're ignoring her, cheating her, etc. Instead she should should affirm positive things about you two and create happy mental images of your life together.

Those sad situations aren't true anymore, so why would she live a lie all day long and end up in tears? This is a real challenge of course but it could also help her a lot at personal level and totally transform your relationship.

[pcmaster]

Could be shes got hurt real bad in previous relationships and and dont trust men in general. You both are really fcked up. BigZee, call a helpline or get a counselling cause it will make a huge diference just by exploring and understanding yourself better with profesional help. Seriously I wish I have thought about this option when before losing my mind to ex.

[BigZee]

Like, I really just cant bring things up when I talk to her. I mean, today she got mad because I couldn't skype since my headphones leak noise, and my parents would be able to hear me talking to her (I'm not allowed to date), and she got mad at me because apparently "all i do is make excuses, and i use the same ones over and over" and its just like, no matter what I say, she'll just get more and more upset.

@pcmaster yea, it's horrible right now because she's on her period. **** me.

[michelle23]

I think you and she should not be together. Your both probably too young and immature, you didnt respect each other, you hurt each other, lied, you are untrustworthy etc.

My advice is to end it, grow up and meet someone else. This relationship is already broken. You have hurt her and she wont get past the trust issues

Look up co-dependency