Have I held on for too long?

[stillintoyou]

This is going to be so long - I apologize. If you think it would be more helpful for me to try to summarize this, let me know and I will. I just thought it might be more effective if everyone knew the whole story first, but I'm so sorry it's the length of a novel.

Let me start off by saying that my boyfriend and I have different ideas about what we think is "fun". He likes to party and I prefer to stay at home. Though we are both underage, he likes to drink and smoke hookah, as well as pot. I, on the other hand, am entirely against all three, marijuana being the one I disagree with the most. When I first met my boyfriend (we'll call him Nathan), he was in a frat and drank all the time. I considered him a huge asshole because during the first few months I knew him, he pushed me into the street and shoved me into a lamp post and a bush. He also would do this thing where he would push his knuckle really hard into places he knew it would hurt with the intention of causing pain and he thought it was hilarious. He also would carry my best friend around and intentionally just let go of her so she fell and would run her into walls. He was such a jerk and I never wanted to be around him. Then, in the beginning of 2012, he stopped drinking. This lasted for two months, but during those two months, he was such a nicer person and I spent time with him and we actually got to know each other. We started dating in April and all was well.

During the summer, we split up to go to our homes. We live seven hours apart, so we only saw each other once during the break. When we reunited for school again, we were going to be living together with two others in an apartment. Things started out fine, and then one day he randomly asked me how I would feel if he smoked pot. I told him that I wasn't okay with it, but that I'd talk to him about it more later (I was flustered because it came out of nowhere and I couldn't think straight because of that). He said okay, and then shortly left to take some of his friends home. The next evening, one of the friends he had taken home was over and let slip that he had "a great time getting high with [my boyfriend] last night." That started a huge fight between Nathan and I because not only had I JUST told him that I wasn't okay with him smoking, but he also ended up telling me that he'd been smoking pot for our entire relationship and I had absolutely no idea. After crying and arguing for a few hours, he told me he would stop smoking pot. This was all in October, by the way.

Fast forward to April of this year. Nathan's behavior at this point had become very peculiar. It lasted for about a week and a half, and then he went back to normal. During that week, I thought I was dating a new person: He did not pay attention to anything (he asked three times when dinner was one night); he would start arguments about something that was his fault, but he didn't remember doing said thing; he would refuse to apologize; he got extremely overreactive and VERY pissed off when I got upset that he didn't listen to me. He was behaving so oddly, and all I could think of was that he started smoking again or was doing some other drug (which would not have surprised me because he has done mushrooms and MDA).

Now, let me tell you that Nathan is extremely addicted and obsessed with Super Smash Brothers, so much so that he will occasionally put it before me. Every Friday, he goes over to his friend Paul's house. There, a bunch of people who play the game all get together and play and drink alcohol. On the twentieth (that's 4/20, just to clarify), Nathan said he was going to go back over to Paul's, even though it was a Saturday and he had been there all through the night. I thought about how Nathan's behavior had changed, and decided to ask him if all they did at Paul's was play smash and drink. He said no, that they all smoke hookah on occasion and play cards sometimes. He then asked if I was worried if he was smoking pot because it was 4/20. I said I was and he said, "I'm not going to smoke pot. You have nothing to worry about." The following day, I was attempting to set up a new ringtone for Nathan and saw a text that was from him asking one of his friends if they should invite another friend to smoke. I asked him about it and he claimed that only the first friend was smoking and that the second friend was sitting in a corner and he thought the second friend was feeling left out. He gave a big explanation and a million excuses that didn't make sense followed. I called him out on it and he got angry. He yelled at me and said I was wrong and eventually left to go on a walk. An hour passed and he hadn't come back home. It was about 5 in the morning at this point. I texted him, asking if he was okay, and not five minutes later, he walked in the door. I jokingly asked if he was just waiting outside until I checked up on him and he said yes, because he was trying to avoid talking to me. I asked what that meant and when he didn't respond, I asked, "Are you confessing something?" and he nodded. That night/morning, he confessed to have smoked a handful of times since he said he would stop in October. He also then confessed that he had been smoking pot that night, which pissed me off the most considering hours before he smoked, he PROMISED me he wasn't going to. I made him leave and I thought for the longest time about what I was going to do.

I love Nathan so much, I really do, so I decided to give him another chance, but this time, I told him that in order for us to stay in a relationship, he was not going to be able to go over to Paul's house anymore seeing as he confessed that that was where he had been smoking. Now, I gave him an option. I told him we could break up, but if he really wanted to be with me and he thought I was worth it, that I would be okay staying with him as long as he stayed away from Paul's. I gave him an hour to think about it so he could thoroughly weigh his options and he decided that he wanted to keep our relationship going. A day passes and he starts complaining that he's going to lose all of his friends because Paul's place is the "hangout spot" and if he can't go there, then he'll never see his friends again. So I told him that I could not think of any alternatives seeing as I could not trust him, but told him that I would gladly hear him out if he could think of anything. This upset him and he explained that it was impossible for him to think of an alternative because "[I'm] the one with the problem" and he thinks smoking weed is totally okay. So, I thought and I thought and the only other option I could think of was that he could go to Paul's for a total of 2-3 hours at a time during the day and he could go to his Friday parties, but I had to go with him. At first he fought really hard for that not to happen, but then eventually agreed to it. Two days passed and it was Friday. I went with him, like we had planned, and he hated it. He hated everything about that night. He usually stays there for about 10 hours (I'm not kidding. He gets there at six and comes home anywhere between 3 and 6), but I asked if we could go home at 1:30. He said sure, but on the way home, he yelled at me. He said I was trying to control him and that he was angry because everyone knew he was being "babysat" and that he was so uncomfortable being there since I was around. He asked what would happen if he went back to the party and I told him that nothing good would come from it in terms of our relationship. Our "talk" continued when we got home. I say "talk" because I was trying to discuss things with him, but he instead only bullied me. All he did was get nit-picky about my word choice and he continuously attacked me, saying that I was illogical and nothing that I was saying made any sense. He made me so emotional that I told him to leave. I assumed he went on a walk, but after an hour had passed, I knew he went back to the party. At that moment, I immediately knew that I wanted to break up with him.

With that in mind, I called my mom (who is my best friend and knows about all the hardships I've dealt with while dating Nathan). She calmed me down and said that I needed to seriously think things through. She didn't try to convince me not to break up with him, but instead told me to consider everything possible: could I deal with Nathan smoking or was it too big of an issue for me?; were there any alternatives at all that could work for the both of us?; would I be able to handle seeing Nathan come home high or drunk or with another girl since we had to live in the same apartment for another two months? I eventually came to the conclusion that I would try ONE LAST TIME to work things out with Nathan. He and I agreed that we could compromise by buying at-home drug tests and I could test him whenever I thought it was necessary. I both a three-pack (he thinks I have two) and they arrived recently, however, they stated that if the test comes back positive, you have to actually mail it out to a lab to get a definite answer because it may be a false positive. So, basically, to me, the drug tests are useless, but there is LITERALLY no other alternative to breaking up that I can think of - and none that Nathan can think of because he refuses to come up with anything. I don't know whether to tell him about how dumb the tests are because if I tell him that I want to return them, he'll get angry because that means that he can't go to Fridays like normal anymore since I won't be able to test him, but if I don't tell him, then what am I suppose to do? I'll still be paranoid as hell because I will never have any way to determine whether or not he's been smoking.

In general, I honestly think this entire situation is stupid. I hate that it's come down to this. I feel like his mother more than anything and he has 100% been acting like a child. However, I love Nathan so much and I don't really want to let him go. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[michelle23]

You are not his mother. You have no right to stop him from going to a friends house, you should not be babysitting him when he goes, you have no right to drug test him or constantly tell him what to do.

The answer is quite obvious. He smokes pot, you dont like it so why the hell are you still with him? Hes a waster and a loser and hes not going to change. Look up co-dependency. If someone does not meet your expectations or your standards then you dont stick around nagging until your blue in the face, trying to control him, fix him or change him. You accept that he is like that and you walk away. If you stay-it makes you co-dependent.

I dont care how much you love him, how much you want it to work, how you cant bear the thought of being without him blah blah blah. It is not working and the best thing to do is move out.

Can you swap homes with someone? Its only for two months. Maybe one of his friends will agree to swap with you? Or you could just pack your stuff and stay with a friend on their couch for the next 2 months.

I think the best thing to do is dump the loser. Hes going nowhere and you can do better

[TablesandChairs]

You can't 'force' anyone to stop doing something, especially drugs. That decision has to come from them. You are basically babysitting him and of course that's going to annoy him; I get where you're coming from but it's not a solution, nor is it a healthy way to live.

My first boyfriend was the nicest guy in the world...until he smoked pot. When I'd met him, he had been off it for about 6 months, after realising it had taken over his life. All was well, but unbeknownst to me, he picked up the habit again some time later when his dad got sick. Almost every stress he encountered in his life made him run to marijuana...and this changed him. Eventually, he developed very paranoid symptoms, leading to psychosis. It took the better part of a year for him to regain his mental health. During that time, I was more or less a nervous wreck; he would simply disappear for days...not answer his phone, act erratically, do/say strange things/change his opinion on everything/quit his job. The list of unpredictable behavior goes on forever.

It's up to you at this point; some people can smoke pot recreationally and it doesn't cause issues; for others, it does. You can't change him; you've stated your case and he's continued to smoke. He's free to do as he pleases, and you're free to walk. I'm biased because of my experience but had I known then what I know now, I would have walked out within a minute.

[michelle23]

Have you ever heard the saying "once an addict-always an addict"? There is some truth in it

[stan92964]

If you put your emotions aside you would not stay with him. The thought of not having his love in your life is blinding you ... and understandably so, loss is hard, but the answer is still clear. You need someone better in your life. You deserve someone better. He clearly doesn't see the need to be a better person. The world is full of people looking for love ... so don't think for 1 minute that you can't find some-one better. Simply stated, be better and choose better.

[stillintoyou]

You are not his mother. You have no right to stop him from going to a friends house, you should not be babysitting him when he goes, you have no right to drug test him or constantly tell him what to do.

The answer is quite obvious. He smokes pot, you dont like it so why the hell are you still with him? Hes a waster and a loser and hes not going to change. Look up co-dependency. If someone does not meet your expectations or your standards then you dont stick around nagging until your blue in the face, trying to control him, fix him or change him. You accept that he is like that and you walk away. If you stay-it makes you co-dependent.

I dont care how much you love him, how much you want it to work, how you cant bear the thought of being without him blah blah blah. It is not working and the best thing to do is move out.

Can you swap homes with someone? Its only for two months. Maybe one of his friends will agree to swap with you? Or you could just pack your stuff and stay with a friend on their couch for the next 2 months.

I think the best thing to do is dump the loser. Hes going nowhere and you can do better

Believe me, I know that I have no right to stop him from doing what he wants to, which is why I gave him a choice. This may be biased, but I don't see that I've forced him to do anything.

Despite that he smoked pot and I don't like it, I'm still with him because he said he would stop smoking. I see now that I should have said something about this in the beginning, but Nathan has expressed that he is 100% okay with quitting. Granted, he said that the first time and ended up lying to me about it, he has voiced yet again that he has no problem with quitting.

I've heard of co-dependency, but never really knew too much about it, so I genuinely thank you for bringing that up because a lot of what I have just found out about it hits home.

Unfortunately, all of my friends live in the dorms and have no space for an extra person, so I can't exactly leave and live somewhere else for two months. I appreciate your help, though.

[michelle23]

Okay well if you cant leave yet-start distancing yourself emotionally and prepare yourself for the breakup. You cant change him and you need to accept that. start going out more doing your own thing, let him do what he wants, dont bother spending time with him-pretend your really busy with study etc and wait until hes asleep to go to bed. If he tries to be affectionate or whatever just pretend your in the middle of something "ill put on the kettle" or "I gotta sort out my clothes"

Start telling yourself its over and prepare for it and youll be fine once it happens in two months time.

[stillintoyou]

Okay well if you cant leave yet-start distancing yourself emotionally and prepare yourself for the breakup. You cant change him and you need to accept that. start going out more doing your own thing, let him do what he wants, dont bother spending time with him-pretend your really busy with study etc and wait until hes asleep to go to bed. If he tries to be affectionate or whatever just pretend your in the middle of something "ill put on the kettle" or "I gotta sort out my clothes"

Start telling yourself its over and prepare for it and youll be fine once it happens in two months time.

I would try this, but I have an extremely guilty conscious and wouldn't be able to keep it up very well. Plus, he would catch on very quickly. Nathan is very observant and extremely intelligent. He'd get upset and want to talk if he noticed that I wasn't being as affectionate as usual. Even last night he thought something was up because I haven't been in the mood to have sex for the past week. He will definitely know that something is wrong if he don't have sex or even cuddle like normal for two months.

[michelle23]

You ddont trust him, all his promises are empty, hes lied to you numerous times and this is driving you crazy. You shuld stop making excuses and dump him.

You would not have wrote an essay here if this was a small issue. Its a huge issue, your not compatable and you cant change him or fix him or watch him all the time and babysit him and then continue to argue/fight/nag and stress every second day over it.

You will never accept his habit and i dont blame you so the only option is to get rid of him.

Even if that means ending it now and living together for the next two months as friends. I dont believe you have nowhere else to go-thats an excuse coz your not ready to dump him.

He sounds like a loser to me and i think you can do better