We see managing finances differently- is this a problem

[cloudyblueeyed]

I paid for everything for my partner and I last weekend on my card including things that we weren't sharing as he didn't have his card.

I was out the country and asked my partner to quick online transfer the £30 he owed me on Thursday by text. He said sure but forgot. I casually reminded him on the phone that night. He was annoyed like 'ok, I'll do it' then forgot. I was on my way home today, and on the text I put a P.S. about the money (described as "P.s. P**g*t" (pingit it the money transfer service in the UK) as I thought it would be funnier and I was nervous about bringing it up again but it was in my mind) and also as I didn't want it playing on my mind when I got home. He wrote back "F*** O** x" (written like that), which he since said was a joke. I didn't think it was a joke and wrote back that's nice before I have to turn my phone off on a plane and he replied I was being a douchebag. He still didn't transfer the money and so when I got home we had a massive argument about it and I left.

It seems a stupid reason to breakup but at the end of the day it isn't the £30 that matters. It's that we see money differently and he didn't get that it mattered to me to get it back and that every time I asked he just forgot or ignored me asking. He now says the whole argument was my fault and he would have given me the money so what did it matter which I totally get. But, it feels like he doesn't get my point that if he had just transferred the money when I asked the first three times, it wouldn't have become an argument and I wouldn't have got worked up feeling guilty asking for it. I'm happy to apologise for the argument but it really gets to me when he tells me the whole thing is my fault entirely. I genuinely believe for any argument both of us play our parts in causing it.

Anyway, I just want some neutral perspective on the situation as I'm not really sure whether this is a sign of bigger problems either with me or him.

[Wakeup]

Forget about it. Just never front him any money ever again and make sure if you are out together that he brings enough cash or a credit card to cover his own expenses.

Are you afraid he isn't going to pay you back at all or something?

[Boisdevie]

Sorting out financial stuff is important. If you disagree on this one then walk away. And he didn't seem very nice about it. I'd dump the tit.

[vashti]

The way he handled all this says a LOT about how he deals with money. He is either extremely irresponsible or just using you.

Get rid of him.

[cloudyblueeyed]

Thank you so much for your advice, that makes me feel loads better.
It's not the first time he made a point of not accepting responsibility for his part in an argument or disagreement.
Thing is, when it's good it's really good, but if we disagree he always says it's my fault. Probably discussing it is my fault, and then if it goes to an argument, that's partially my fault, but a lot of the time he is the root cause, which is fine, as long as he can appreciate that and acknowledge it. Which I don't think he can. That's the hard thing for me to deal with. I never know how to move forward.
Since this argument we haven't talked or texted since I left, but he gave the money before I went so no it wasn't worrying about not getting it back, it was just he was dragging his heels. How long should I leave it to get back in touch? I hate this because it feels like playing games but I feel that I shouldn't get in touch until he realises that this wasn't all my doing. But it might end the relationship by waiting.
Thanks again for listening!

[Wakeup]

Well, the majority of people have told you to walk away from him since you're finanacially incompatible. Since you're wondering how long to leave it before you contact him I guess you're not considering that?

Maybe you just need to learn how to communicate with him so that he doesn't just shrug off your requests? If you still want to be with him knowing what he's like as rule, then you have a couple of choices, I guess. Call him now and forget the whole incident since you did get your money back, albeit after having your patience tested, or: Let him call you (if he ever gets around to it?) if you have the patience to wait.

What do you want to do?

[basilandthyme]

Given that he never accepts responsibility, I think you'll be waiting forever for him to get back in touch.

Use this time without contact to decide if these traits are really what you're looking for in a partner. What you must remember is that you need to judge a relationship not on the good times, but on the bad. Even the worst of relationships have good times - but it's what the bad times look like which we must hang our decisions on.

[cloudyblueeyed]

I agree that I will probably be waiting forever for him to get back in touch but it just seems such a stupid reason to break up over. In a way I do feel that I can call and forget the whole incident but I guess in the back of my mind I'm just thinking it won't be too long until another similar situation comes up where he blames me and won't apologise or accept any responsibility which is why I really want him to think about this and accept some responsibility so that I know he has some thought about me and how his actions can and do affect me. I feel like the money thing we can deal with - I either become less uptight (I'm from Yorkshire so being tight/careful with our money is a famous trait!) or I just don't lend him money or we agree that he will pay when I ask now he knows how I feel. He's the first guy I've loved in a long time and I'm scared to let that go.

[vashti]

He's the first guy I've loved in a long time and I'm scared to let that go.

I'd be more afraid he will bleed you dry. :-(

[cloudyblueeyed]

He sent this morning:

There aren't any hidden depths behind what happened.....there was no malice behind my message. If you got upset by 'f**k **f X' after 6 months of dialogue you don't know me. You caused a huge row over me borrowing £30 and obsessed about it for 3 days. I am furious and so upset I can't sleep!

I might call but I might not get my point across on the phone if it turns into another argument. I wrote this, does it sound like I'm making a valid point or am I just being stupid?

If you think that I left because of a text then you don't know me either. You forgot (if not ignored because I was annoying you) something I was asking you. I arrived in a mood about it, but rather than finally dealing with it, it became an argument attacking me and now that's the problem. I'm not going to be blamed for the whole thing because it's not all my fault. x

[vashti]

This wasn't a lot of money, but the fact that he wouldn't be uncomfortable enough (after repeated requests) to return it makes me suspicious. I don't remember ever having borrowed money from someone, but I am absolutely certain that if I did, I wouldn't wait long enough to return it that they had to ask, especially multiple times. I would find that humiliating. If I couldn't pay it back immediately, I would be clear with them about when I WOULD pay them back. This is a part of my ethical code.

Whatever you choose to do, I think you should avoid loaning money in the future, especially in an amount you would find uncomfortable to lose. You are not a bank. If you are talking about someone who is reliable and trustworthy, just let them treat you on your next outing.

Even assuming he genuinely intended to pay you back all along, he fact that this guy is furious and upset with you over this tells me he is very insensitive to things you find important... not a good sign.

[cloudyblueeyed]

I totally agree that I shouldn't loan money, I don't have enough of it to be comfortable with that and at the end of the day why should I.

I do think that he's being insensitive but now it feels like a battle of wills. He text in the early hours of this morning, I replied this morning, nothing since. I leave the country again tomorrow and I would like to know what's happening before I go. Should I just call? Or maybe text and ask 'what can we do to fix this?' I don't want it to seem like I'm just giving in going running back as I know the same thing will happen again if we don't establish some ground rules on looking out for each other and when something is important to the other one and looking out for that even if it goes against our own norm.

[Boisdevie]

IShould I just call?

Why bother. He's acting like a first class dickhead. I'd leave him swinging in the breeze. Go calling him and he'll think he's in control here. Just dump the git.