men and commitment?

[roxanna26]

Hello!


I'm looking for a little advice. I am 25years old. My partner is 32. We have been together for 5 years, we have lived together for 4years. I have had a tough 2 years as my dad died, my partner has been a little supportive. 3 months ago we bought our house which i put the deposit down for. I know we have made a big commitment buying a house together, but my partner will not discuss our future, i have tried to mention it a few times. I have now given up, he will just say who is getting married or who is having children! His family are going on at him about marriage and children but he just ignores their comments and conversations. Im wondering why he agreed to a mortgage if he isnt sure what he wants? im starting to think he realises he has it easy- a house, girlfriend, food cooked, house cleaned etc. Anyone have any advice on whether he does want a future or how to discuss it?

Thank you for listening!

[cloudyblueeyed]

I'm sure he wants a future otherwise he wouldn't have lived with you all this time and got a house with you. Making a plan out loud is sometimes difficult as anyone's future is uncertain and who knows what might happen. I'm sure given time in your new house, he will think about marriage and perhaps then kids, but if you ask him outright I'm sure it will make him not want to discuss it. Maybe the house was the start of a process for him and in time he will just go ahead and do the things you're hoping for.

[michelle23]

Have you ever mentioned marriage or kids to him? Or was it family and friends who said that?

Can you afford the mortgage on your own? If your worried that hes not committed to you then you should start think about you and what you want and do what is best for you even if that means going your separate ways

[roxanna26]

Thank you for the replies- I have mentioned it. he didnt say anything back. I then mentioned it again and he said he never said he didnt want children or marriage. If he does want it but later on, that fine with me but it would be nice to know where i stand. Its starting to get to me that his family say something everytime we see them, as it gets me thinking that i do want it now.

[michelle23]

Is he struggling financially?

hes 34, with you for 5 years, you live together, own a house together. Now is the time to take the next step. If money is not an issue then he has no excuse and you should be weary of him

[stan92964]

Commitment is one of the 6 things that must to exist to sustain a marriage that is successful. The other 5 are, similar views on spending and saving money, sharing similar interests in how you spend leisure time together, agreeing on having kids or not and style and beliefs in parenting, similar beliefs on how you make sense of the world, and "chemistry.
You need to know these things before you move in together or get married. You may have wasted 5 years of your life because you didn't know these things. So the question would be, how long do you want to go down this path before you get it cleared up? The 6 things I listed above come from 25 years of research on the success and failure of marriages.

[Wakeup]

If marriage is that important to you then can I ask why YOU would put the deposit money down on house that he'll be sharing with you? Why would you do that before he was ready to make things legal according to state and church?

Maybe you should think about setting a date that you want to go to City Hall and make it official before you decide to allow him to move into your house with you???

Like: "I'd like to be married and expecting my first baby by 30, I'll start making preliminary arrangements after we move into the house." Then don't say anything else and see how he responds to that. If nothing else, it will open up a dialogue.

Why would he change a thing when he doesn't have to? If he has to, but he won't. Well then it's best to find out that you're with the wrong man now rather then later.

[Boisdevie]

Call me stupid but would it not have been better to have this 'where are we headed' discussion before you bought a house? And if it was you who put down the deposit if the relationship does go tits up make sure you don't get shafted financially.

[Am I crazy?]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You have given him no reason to marry you by living with him and buying a house first.

[Wakeup]

On another note: Why buy the pig when the sausage is free?

Two very stupid and outdated sayings. We're living in a world where many people NEVER get married. The key is to have this type of discussion LONG before deciding to commit to living together and making the biggest investment of one's life ~ buying a house togerther.

[Rowen]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You have given him no reason to marry you by living with him and buying a house first.

First of all, this saying is irrelevant here. It would be different if the OP was screwing his brains out when they're not even together, but she's his GIRLFRIEND. How else do you expect to make sure the marriage would be able to last if you don't test the waters and do some living together? Living together, from what I've seen, is an entirely different ball game than just seeing the person in a cafe on weekends.

Second, I think Wakeup has a valid point here. Put your foot down and tell him what you want and how much it means to you. In the end, if it means a lot to you and you can't deal with it, then maybe it's best to leave him. I know it'd be hard on you, but it'd be better than living in an unhappy situation.

Also, no offense, but the idea that you put the deposit down knowing this kind of baffles me too... But there's hope, OP. Do not fear anything but fear itself.

[HeartIsAching]

Hello!


I'm looking for a little advice. I am 25years old. My partner is 32. We have been together for 5 years, we have lived together for 4years. I have had a tough 2 years as my dad died, my partner has been a little supportive. 3 months ago we bought our house which i put the deposit down for. I know we have made a big commitment buying a house together, but my partner will not discuss our future, i have tried to mention it a few times. I have now given up, he will just say who is getting married or who is having children! His family are going on at him about marriage and children but he just ignores their comments and conversations. Im wondering why he agreed to a mortgage if he isnt sure what he wants? im starting to think he realises he has it easy- a house, girlfriend, food cooked, house cleaned etc. Anyone have any advice on whether he does want a future or how to discuss it?

Thank you for listening!

I'm wondering why you agreed to a mortgage without a wedding, if it was that important to you.

[jacksl8]

You should of honestly sat down and talked to him about purchasing house before putting a deposit. You need to establish some house rules.