advice needed.. desperately !! ; (

[jassal08]

okay so this morning i woke up and my partner asked me what the plan for the day was i told him that we should probably see my mother as it is mothers day. he then went on the defensive and said that he did not want to go , that we see my family too often and that he wants to do his own thing today ( his mother has passed so i thought that he wouldnt mind coming to a barbeque with my family).

what followed was so unexpected , it has left me so shocked and hurt..

he said that he wants to start doing family things seperately. he said that he does not enjoy spending time with my family ( my family drinks a fair bit and my partner does not enjoy the atmosphere of that sort of environment , i completely understand that but now i feel like second class and not good enough for him anymore). he was like i do not enjoy drinking with your family, i do not enjoy it at all , its not fun for me and i do not want to go. ( its not like my family are full blown alcoholics, they are just social drinkers..they have bbq's , go out on the boat and go fishing but they like to drink while they do it.
i know its wrong that my family drinks when they do social things, but i cant stop seeing them because of it.

my partner always seemed like he was having a good time when we were with my famlily , thats why i didnt think he would mind going as often as we do. when i said this to him he said that he was just putting on an act and that he has always hated going there and that he just did it to make me happy. i am shocked, i love him so much but now there is a wedge between us and its my family.

he said that he feels like he does so much for me and that i dont do enough for him in return. he works 5 days a week so we survive on his income , i am studying at university so i am some dependent on him as my income only just covers the rent each week. he also said that he makes money for us , spends time with my family more then what i spend time with his and i dont see his friends as much as he wants me to.

i apprecitate how hard he works , thats why i dont mind him having boys night 2 days a week in which sometimes he does not come home until 4 in the morning. ( his boys night is going rock climbing and then going back to his mates place for drinks and to play games). i thought he would enjoy the time to just be with the boys but he said he wants me to go. its boys night , i thought him and his friends would rather it if i wasnt there.

he said he wants me to spend time with his family more. however his family never invites us over ( we only live in a one bedroom apartment , its squishy just for us and we never have people over). so of course we see my family more as they invite us over weekly. if his family invited us over i would go.

my friends are social. they invited my partner and i camping so we went , they invite us out to dinner , to shows and to go out clubbing. his friends are more anti social and like to stay indoors and watch movies or have some drinks.

he left and went to his dads to play games (thats what they like to do, play video games ) what is the point of me being there when they are glued to a screen? and now i am going to family's barbeque on my own. i know i wont enjoy this family day without him there. he is my family , he should be with me. my heart is broken and i cant believe we have fought over this. we want to have our own family some day , how can we do that when he wants to now seperate family functions ?
i am hurt, confused and i just dont know what to do. how can i fix this ?
PLEASE HELP ME!!

[Valixy]

I think that you shoud try to accept if he needs a little break from your family and they shouldn't know anything about this. The way he communicated this to you was not the best, but try to calm down the waters, be the bigger person and not transform this in a huge argument. Hopefully he will feel more comfortable with your family in time, if he doesn't feel pressured to join you every time and you will be able to reach a compromise. The fact that he doesn't fully enjoy spending too much time with your family does not mean that he doesn't love you.

Also try not to assume beforehand that he will be fine with the plan for the day that you communicate to him on Saturday morning. He should meet you half way and you should both discuss your weekend plans and any plans for spending time together a few days before.

[pcmaster]

You have to get used him to drinking. He dont know how to have fun anymore. Whats more fun than hang out in good company and relax? Hes acting like a queen. You have to plan these things ahead, like meet parents ever other week so he will be ready and prepared. It will be harder to escape in this way. He might not like your family that much because they are older than his friends and not doing the same fun stuff as he does with his buddys.

[basilandthyme]

Yes, you need to tell him plans in advance - and to ask him before making the actual plans with your family. But on Mother's Day, it's a given that you'll be seeing your family. How in hell was this a surprise to him? He should have said something way earlier.

That being said, there's something wrong if you can't enjoy your family without him being there. Yes, he's part of your family - but so are your real family. As for their drinking - they are Australian after all

How to fix it? Compromise. See your family without him sometimes and take him at other times. If you're both prepared to meet half way, then you'll be OK.

[Boisdevie]

Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

[krranger149]

You can't expect him to constantly see your family(I'm not saying you do). But he can't expect to never see your family. Just come up with a middle line, where you both can be happy.

[michelle23]

maybe he was just having a bad day coz you said his mother died and its mothers day. he could just be stressed or hurting and blew up at you. its probably a hard day for him.

you need to sit down and talk about this calmly. tell him youd be happy to go with him when he sees his family/friends. all he has to do is ask but youd appreciate it if he also did the same for you.

try not to take it so personally. there is a chance he didnt mean all the things he said. he could have just been venting. you need to ask him did he really mean all that and tell him your hurt because of it.

try to find a compromise. if he refuses to spend time with your family from now on-then your relationship wont last.

[stan92964]

We moved to Russia when I retired so my wife could be near her family and friends. I can see she is much happier here and she did live in America with me for almost 11 years with no complaints. I do feel a little like your guy does about her mother and some of her friends. Her mother has a good hart but she is no fun to socialize with, so I don't often. My wife visits with her by herself often. We are both ok with that. I never drink ... never have in my life ... I just don't like it and I've seen too many people get pretty stupid when they get drunk ... however, here in Russia, I would never have any friends if I didn't socialize with people who drink. It doesn't bother me for the most part. I don't know what to offer you for a solution to your problem, but if he loves you, that goes a long way in my books. Natasha and I are both the happiest we have ever been in our lives so we don't let relatives and others get in the way of our relationship. Good luck working through this. I wish I could offer you more of a solution.