I need rational advice, please.

[Darkest Heaven]

Back story: I'm 24, she's 26. Met 3 years or so ago, started off fighting as enemies then became friends and then started dating. Going about 2 years now. Relationship overall is rocky and unhealthy. Past week or so has been decent because I told her I'm at my last stand with the whole thing as I feel it would be more healthy to be alone than destroy/be destroyed emotionally by a partner I care about but can't work it out with. Anyways, it's been decent so I'm trying not to factor the past into this particular post and situation, but its hard not to with the "water under the bridge" and all.


I told her when we started dating that the parties she goes to leaves her at a risk to do something silly. I've had my trust issues, but have let go of them and everything was going well. Tonight, she went to a FAMILY party with her dad. Her cousin sisters friend whatever boyfriend, right, he caught her on her way out of the bathroom upstairs (I guess big family parties don't have people upstairs) and grabbed her chest.

According to her, he grabbed her chest and she turned away, cursing and yelling at him. He ****ed off, and she doesn't want to "make waves" or throw a fit (because I guess getting molested isn't important)... she called to tell me about it about half an hour later as I am going to bed soon so I can work in the morning.


Anyways, while I understand that a family party is the last place you expect to get grabbed like that, she knows full well that her family are (mostly) drunks... so she says oh its not my fault don't be mad at me. Two things here: One, it was your fault for going to the party. That's controlling and irrational, and I'm past that point in life so we'll take that thought and throw it out of the window.

Two though: "I cursed at him and turned away before it got dangerous, but I won't tell my dad or leave so I don't spoil the night and its a crowded house so I won't be alone"... I'm a guy. I used to work out. I'm "macho".... but if I was getting molested, or, grabbed wrong or whatever, I'd probably leave. Especially at a family party. Now I know somebody might think she's cheating/****ing with me, I don't think so. But here's what I do think though:

It may be irrational, or maybe its because of our past, but I find myself unable to get over that it was an accident, and thats 100% assuming it was. I don't care. I told her a long time ago that running around partying is going to get something stupid to happen. Family party or not, it has now done exactly that, happened. A thought crossed my mind that I should be sympathetic, my girl just got groped up!.... but calling me 30 minutes later, then saying "I was expecting this reaction" when I got upset... I mean.... she's either afraid of me getting upset (which results in my outdoor voice trying to discuss shit instead of whispering it)... which I mean, hell, unhealthy relationship and all... or... like what the **** is going on?


Anyways, somebody in a better state of mind please give me your thoughts. I know I *might* be overreacting, but I really don't know how to get over this. This and our bad history, along with her "its not my fault"... I mean.. it never is though, with anything according to her. Ugh.

[basilandthyme]

So, your attitude is that if a girl goes where there are drunk people, she's asking for it? This is NOT her fault.

[Valixy]

I think that you should try to separate things. One aspect of your problem is that you feel that you are not happy in the relationship and even mentioned to her that you would like to break up, another one is that she might be partying too much and a completly different thing is the incident from the family party last night.

The fact that a woman is molested is bad enough to be judged on how she reacted to that. She felt embarrased and didn't want to share it with her family, at least right then. If it was right or wrong to keep quiet from your point of view, does not apply here. Women aren't psychologically prepared to deal with something like this in the best possible way because nobody expects something like this to happen to them. I suppose she should address the problem with the cousin's boyfriend when he is sobre and avoid him from now on.

I think she trusted you by telling you that, she felt you were the only person that she could tell what happened despite your relationship problems. It's only natural that you feel angry, but you can't blame her for a disrespectful gesture a drunk made towards her.

[vashti]

Do you really expect that she won't go to any more family parties?

My brother-in-law is a drunk. He grabbed by boob once when he was so drunk he could hardly stand. I didn't tell my sister; he already makes her miserable enough, and likely doesn't even remember doing it. I do not care to add to my sister's misery, and there is no way in hell I would avoid family gatherings because he might be there.

[michelle23]

if the relationship is awful why are you together?

do you trust her? yes or no?

[Darkest Heaven]

Just got home after a 9 hour shift and wanted to give everybody an update.

Mid shift, I called her and we spoke calmly about it. I apologized for raising my voice and she apologized for saying she expected me to. After calming down I realized nothing actually "happened" and he was drunk/it wasn't her fault. We put it behind us and are moving on with our lives in (hopefully) the way we have been for the last week or so, which has been good.