eye wondering husband

[trc]

okay, so need some advice. am I looking into this too much or is this really wrong.
my husband always used to be slutty when he was single, then he met me. he really really loves me and would never ever cheat on me and is the most honest guy I know. the problem is I feel that he is not sexually attracted to me. he comments on how hot other women are all on the time, in front of me, and when I complain he says its a normal guy thing and other guys just aren't honest about it. it's just that I'm not perfect, but I'm certainly not out of shape. normally it's the guy who has snagged a more attractive girl but in my case his body is amazing so I really can't even perve on other guys because they are not as hot as him, but most women are way hotter than me, no these are women he could easily get. he thinks I should be happy that he chose me, but I can't help but feel that it is really discussing and degrading to me and it makes me feel like crap. he said to me that it wouldn't matter if I was the sexiest woman on earth he would still check out other chicks all the time. and he also say, if it makes me feel any better, he doesn't check out anyone close to us like our friends.
the other day a young girl that is 10 yrs you ger than us that we know put a photo of herself on Facebook with massive cleavage and he could help but comment and perve, and when I said that was discusting as she is a little kid to us, even through she is 20, he said oh well, it's still hot.
am I going crazy, or is he taking this way to far?

[searock]

1. The fact that he looks and admires other women's appearances doesn't mean that he doesn't like yours.

2. All guys look at other women, even when in a relationship. It doesn't mean anything, it's just human nature (I look at other guys too, and I'm a girl in a relationship).

3. Since he knows that it bothers you, he should avoid making crass comments to you about it. Especially when it comes to much younger women (creepy!). Perhaps you haven't been clear about this. Try telling him: "Honey, I know that you look at other women, it's normal and I also look at other men, but please could you not tell me about everything that passes through your mind when you do? It makes me feel disrespected. How would you feel if I checked other guys out several times a day and then made comments to you such as "wow, look at his abs" or "he must be amazing in bed" etc? Please stop doing that."

[basilandthyme]

Your husband is correct: perving is a normal guy thing (and a normal girl thing) and other guys just aren't so honest about it. The reason they aren't so honest about it is because they know it may upset their partner. So basically, the other guys care about upsetting their partner and your guy doesn't.
Regarding the perving - next time he does it, tell him you don't want to hear it. If he still won't stop, then you're dealing with a man who won't respect your thoughts - and this is a far greater issue than just perving.

And just as an aside: While this 20year old on FB may be a little kid to you, she's probably not a little kid to anyone else. Heck, I'm mid 40's and there is a few hot 20 something guys at my work. Just because they are younger doesn't mean that we can't appreciate them As long as your hubby didn't write something such as "I want to bone you" on her page, just let it go

[Valixy]

For a man to look at other women (and a woman to other men), it is normal to some extent. What it is not normal is to do that without any consideration for your partner and comment on hot they are. He is obviously in love with his image and overestimates good looks but lacks the basic understanding of the dynamics of a relationship and that is treating your partner in a way that she feels loved, admired and respected.

You have to speak with him about this. Be delicate and use diplomacy, even if that is something he lacks. Blaming him for his behaviour hasn't worked until now, so maybe you should tell him that you love him and what he does looks like lack of love to you and it destroys your confidence, having a negative effect on the relationship with him. Tell him that his behaviour hurts you and blocks you and creates distance and tension between you two and you wish he supported the uninhibited loving interaction that you both need so much. He should be able to get the message this way and start caring despite his huge ego, don't you think?

[michelle23]

I think you chose the wrong man and its only a matter of time before he hurts you. Thats my 2cents. He will cheat on you at some point without a doubt-thats if he hasnt already.

There is nothing wrong with finding other people attractive but most people are not OCD about it like he is and most people would not hurt their partners feelings by constantly going on about it.

Im guessing the man has no emotional intelligence which is a recipe for disaster and a cheat in the making. If he thinks its fine to hurt your feelings in this way-what makes you think hed say no if one of these hot women offered him a bj in the bathroom?

Id dump him. A man with a past like that cannot be trusted. That is my opinion

[Starnique]

It depends on how much he compliments you. I can see how it's a problem if he compliments other skanks and not you. There's always going to be someone attractive to you so I personally don't mind a glance but to stare and lust and comment on it is unacceptable to me. I know who I am as a person but dont be disrespectful. It's a difference and i will totally call him out on it and I don't care where we at. Because females know when a man is checking them out. I go out and guys check me all the time when their with their girls and I roll my eyes. I will ask my bf quick..you want her or something wtf.

[searock]

I go out and guys check me all the time when their with their girls and I roll my eyes.

Yes, it's so aggravating when they check you out while they're with their girlfriends. They could at least wait until they're alone to openly stare/appreciate with their eyes. I think it's very disrespectful. Even worse - when adult men with wife and kids check me out... I'm like WTF dude!

[michelle23]

lol the men you guys no sound like right dogs. men in general here are a lot more respectful and if a man glances in my direction, i dont think "hes checking me out". i look at everyone who passes on the street if im standing outside work. im not checking them out, just being nosey lol. i dont think its a crime to glance at people. i do that all the time and it means nothing.

however the OPs husband sounds like a right dog. i dont know anyone who does that. he sounds like a perv to me

[Starnique]

Mmmhmm sure they are Michelle. A man is a man. Don't matter where they at.

[searock]

Casually looking at someone is one thing, going from feet to head and back and staring or even turning around to get a better view is another... I think it's a disrespectful thing to do if you're with your girlfriend.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Michelle, you are retard if you think your boyfriend doesn't check other girls out. He may repress it, but pretending it doesn't happen is a whole new dimension of naivete, even for you.

[dickriculous]

All men eye hump. All women do it too, the only reason people think they do it less than men is because they can be sneakier about it due to the fact that women are born with more peripheral vision than men so they can ogle a hot guy without making obvious half circles with their heads and going "DAAAAAAAAAYYUUUUUUUUUMM!!!"

My question to you is how much have you spoken with him about it? I'm assuming that SOME words were spoken since you said "he said to me it would matter if I was the sexiest woman alive he would still check out other chicks". But you leave things rather vague in terms of how much you've discussed it and the ways you've tried to reason with him.

And why do you think he finds you unattractive? Does he never initiate sex with you? Does he never tell you how sexy you are? Does he never kiss you passionately out of the blue? And, on the flip side, are you ever doing these things for him?

Or is this talk of him not being sexually attracted to you based entirely on eye wandering?

[dickriculous]

next time he does it, tell him you don't want to hear it. If he still won't stop, then you're dealing with a man who won't respect your thoughts

Or a man who's being manipulative - making her insecure on purpose and opening wounds in order to keep her in an inferior position to him in the relationship.

That's why I'm asking for details about the depth of communication on the subject between them and other factors that may be affecting the situation. I'm awaiting answers before I go further.

[vashti]

All men eye hump. All women do it too, the only reason people think they do it less than men is because they can be sneakier about it due to the fact that women are born with more peripheral vision than men so they can ogle a hot guy without making obvious half circles with their heads and going "DAAAAAAAAAYYUUUUUUUUUMM!!!"

I can't speak for men, though I do believe the majority are looking (some are more respectful and dignified about it, probably those with sisters or daughters) but I can tell you for sure, that not all women are ogling men. I barely knew other men existed when my kids were young and for the first 12 years or so of being married.

I agree with dickriculous that manipulation likely plays a big role when men do this in front of women they supposedly care about.

[smackie9]

Yes men look, women look too!, it's a natural thing BUT it's one thing to keep it to yourself and it's another to act so immaturely about it blurting out comments. the reason he still does it is because you haven't been aggressive enough to put him in his place. Next time tell him to grow the f uck up and stop acting like a retard and really mean it.....cut his words off if he tries to feed you more bull shit. Explain that his actions are disrespectful and grown men do not act like that around their SO. Really put your foot down and tell him straight you will not tolerate this childish behavior for there i s no excuse for a grown man to act that way. If he doesn't listen, hop in a cab or take the car and leave him there.