Confused, scared, verbally abused by boyfriend but is it all in my head - help

[ruby_red]

I'd really like some advice, has anyone been in a similar position? I feel weak, pathetic and helpless and don't know where to turn next. I know how've i'm got into this position - because I was vulnerable after a nasty breakup end of last year and it was way too early for me to get into anything with someone else. I completely ignored the early warning signs as am/was so desperate to find someone.

I met this guy through a dating web-site and we agreed to go for a drink. We were immediately attracted to eachother and are both like a party so hit it off initially. It was very intense and we saw eachother every day. He is divorced - has been for 5 years. I soon started to see signs, his moods were really up and down and I could smell alcohol on him a lot. I tasted his cola drink once and it tasted of vodka (we were at his house and it was in the morning) but when i asked about it he got really cross, defensive and said it was just cola. I was too scared to push the matter further in case i was wrong plus he gets very agressive (verbally not physically).

Anyway as time went on and I noticed all the vodka bottles I realised he was an alcoholic. He admitted it. It also transpired that he had his own business but it had gone under and his work now was sparadic and he had no money and was behind on mortgage payments and risked loosing his house. He was also on parol for a drink driving conviction and had not been turning up to meetings. He was depressed too and had been prescribed anti depressents.

Anyway so I stuck with it and thought that I could help him - I lent him money and gave him my cash card to use to buy food with once but found out over �300 had been taken from my account. He did eventually pay it back but i consider this stealing. He read my text messages and email messages and found an email to my best friend explaining some of this. He went mad - shouting at me - calling me a disgustting c*** and other things, saying that I had betrayed his trust and that everything I had said to her was lies about him. They weren't but I started to believe they were the more he went on. He made me phone my friend in front of him and say that they were lies.

Anyway he fogave me for this and we carried on but he doesn't trust me now. We got quite drunk one night and he fell asleep and I looked on his ipad (i know i shouldnt' have) and found messages on a dating web-site and hook up site to girls just some days before. I confronted him and he said it was because we had been arguing and I didn't have sex with him enough. Just to explain this - he doesnt' like kissing on the lips and won't kiss me much. He says he doesn't like it. Well kissing is everything to me and I think its an important build up before sex. He always smells of alcohol and cigarettes and it turns me off. I feel dirty almost.

But he told me he loved me and I forgave him and so we tried again.

Now he is basically living at my house, the place is a tip (although he is sweet and does cook for me quite a bit and do DIY) but if i say the wrong thing or do something he doesn't like he flies off the handle and shouts - he says things like im stupid and pathetic and is really horrible until I cry then he tells me to stop crying. He goes back to his house briefly to feed the cats and see his lodgers but he stands to lose his house so just hides at mine and drinks all day. On the odd occasion he goes home and I have tried to ignore his calls and texts he calls repeatedly until i answer and come get him or see him - and once he even climbed onto my roof and got in through my window and was in my house when i got home! He is also very threatening when he isn't happy with me - has even threatened to burn my house and hurt my family.

he has taken over my house, smokes in the house all the time even though i ask him not to, he is really clumsy as always drinking and breaks things, his moods are all over the place, he won't me watch things i like on the TV like soaps or films as says they are for stupid people and doesnt' like them. I can't do anything - i feel trapped.

I do care about him and because of my insecurities I like it when he is on occasion nice to me but he is a walking time bomb and is making me feel like i'm crazy. If i bring anything up he says its all in my head and it is in fact me that is horrible to him. i have lost loads of confidence - i have started to think im stupid even but i am not strong enough to get rid of him. And i am worried about him - he is in a dark place and i think he is actually a good person underneath and think i secretly want him to change.

What do i do? Help me, i'm at my wits end.

[Wakeup]

Ruby: This is the same church, different pew. You haven't learned anything (yet) from your last relationship, if you did you'd know that this guy is NOT going to change and you'd have made some things happen to get his ass out of your home.

Call the police and ask them to come and protect you while you tell him that he's no longer welcome to live at your house and you'd like him to leave.

[ruby_red]

I cannot do that to him, it will destroy him

[Wakeup]

Well, then let him stay and subsequently destroy YOU.

[michelle23]

Hes not your responsibility. Get him the f**k out of your house. You do NOT owe him anything. Stop being a doormat.

[Wakeup]

Start here, ruby:

http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=38

Then:

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

[ruby_red]

Get him the f**k out of your house. You do NOT owe him anything. Stop being a doormat.

But when he isn't at my house he calls repeatedly, makes threats, has even climbed through a window. I can't call the police on him as i'm too soft and couldn't do this to him as deep down do care about him.

I'm too scared to ask him to leave as a. he gets really agressive and shouts and threatens and my family and i'm scared of what he might do and b. i do want to help him but i dont know how to anymore. He needs professional help. He stands to loose his house. He has already been through his business failing, a broken marriage and hasn't seen his 2 children in 2 years (he wont' tell me the whole reasons why but i think its drugs/alcohol related). If i ask about it he gets really angry and ends up shouting at me.

And as for not being a doormat, on the odd occasions i stand but for myself he always beats and shouts me down. I'm too scared of him to stand up for myself and always end up believing its actually me having done something wrong or said the wrong thing.

[michelle23]

Can you hear yourself? You care for him do you? he makes threats, climbs through windows, hes aggressive, he shouts at you, he has threatened your family, you are scared? Does that sound like someone who cares about you?

Get a restraining order on him now. Ask family/friends to come and stay with you until he is out of your life. Stop being soft. Grow a backbone and look after yourself. You do not need people like that in your life. My dad has an alcohol problem but he has never been violent or aggressive or made any kind of threats. If he did, I would never speak to him again and he is my dad. This loser is nothing to you so get rid of him.

If you really are scared of him to the point that you think he may hurt you or your family-then you need to get help. There are tons of services that can help you and offer you support. There are people who will be on your side and will help you to get this bully out of your life.

You know its the right thing to do so please for your sake-do it

[Wakeup]

Here's another link, Ruby.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention. htm

I suggest you stop posting here for a day or so and then come back when you've spoken to the professional people I've linked you up with and you can tell us what they said and what you're going to do to help yourself. One of the symptoms of codependency (which you evidently have) is complaining all the time while doing nothing while getting some sort of temporary satisfaction while complaing. To continue to tell you what to do while you do nothing is enabling you to remain stuck in the status quo.

Talking about it but doing nothing isn't going to improve your lot.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Ruby, you're a ****ing retard. People as stupid as you deserve the bullshit that precipitates on them. Shit makes no goddamn sense.

[ruby_red]

Ruby, you're a ****ing retard. People as stupid as you deserve the bullshit that precipitates on them. Shit makes no goddamn sense.

I think this is really harsh and not very supportive nor helpful. Until you are in a position like this you don't know how hard it is to get out of especially if you are not a very strong person.

[michelle23]

I think this is really harsh and not very supportive nor helpful. Until you are in a position like this you don't know how hard it is to get out of especially if you are not a very strong person.

Everyone has strength within them. You just need to believe it and take some positive action so you can make some positive changes to get yourself out of this unhealthy situation. Its up to you to do it Ruby. You have two choices. Stay in fear and put up with this shite for the next five years until he ends up putting you in hospital or in the morgue or a mental institute or you do whatever it takes to get him out of your life. Find the strength. You do have it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think this is really harsh and not very supportive nor helpful. Until you are in a position like this you don't know how hard it is to get out of especially if you are not a very strong person.

You are doing everything solely of your own accord, and I refuse to absolve you of your personal responsibility. You brought this on yourself and I don't care how harsh you think I'm being, you deserve it until you put a stop to it. You continually enable it, when you have clear, obvious paths to end it. I have zero sympathy for you. If he does end up putting you in the hospital or the morgue as Michelle suggested..I think you deserve that too, because you have a choice to stop it now. I don't give a shit how hard it is. Just because something is hard, doesn't mean you don't do it.

[Woods]

You're going to need some professional support with this. Take Wakeup's advice. In the meantime, do you have friends, or family you can speak to or go stay with? Take no notice of the people who tell you that you deserve it etc, because they haven't got a ****ing clue. On the other hand, do stop making excuses for him. You can't change him and you know it. You say he needs help, well if he's been done for drink driving then trust me he will have been offered it! He has no doubt chosen to piss it all up the wall. He's survived all his adult life. He'll continue to without you. It's time to get out.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I've had a change of heart Ruby. I think you should stay and do whatever you can to help him. If you just keep showing him affection, he will see you for who you really are and will stop his behavior. I think it is all in your head, and if you just give a little more, you can make this thing work.