Should a woman stay in marrige where she has nothing and doesn't love her spouse?

[Beau1959]

Hi, everyone, I am all knew to this but just trying to figure out life I guess.

Here is my story hope I am doing this right.

I have had a couple of second chances in live one is living though lung cancer and the other is finding my true love back, the woman I should have married years ago.

I will start out saying that we reconnected after many years apart. I have known this woman since she was 12. I loved her back then and love her now like no other. the only reason I never ended up with her in the first place is because I was best friends with her brother. I know now it was dumb worrying about what he would think of me dating his sister. Him and I are still best friends he knows I love his sister like I have never loved anyone and he is ok with it. we both got married a couple of weeks apart we both knew we should have been the ones getting married to each other at that time. We spend hours talking about how we were screwing up not getting married to each other weeks before we both got married. but we were young and dumb back then. we were in over our heads back then. I wish I would have been smarter back then.

Here is how it all happened. a little over 3 years ago we reconnected. yes it was on FB. I hadn't seen or heard from her for over 26 years. Anyway we meet for coffee and the rest is history.. We both felt that connection from years ago. We both were in marriages that were wrong. neither of us had love or compassion from our spouses. We both tried we both were married to the wrong person. god the connection we share is out of this world.

We ended up having an affair. We did not jump right into bed it was almost a year before it happened. We both knew it was wrong with both knew we shouldn't but the love we shared was so amazing.

ok here is the problem now. Her adults children whom could never stand their Dad and wanted her to leave him for years I have seen notes and other stuff they had sent her over the years telling her to leave him. She did leave him for 10 months but now her kids have forced her to go back. she is misreable. Everytime we talk she crys she hates being back with him. Yes she is planning on leaving him again. but is so afraid her kids will disown her. she has only been back home for a little over a week and is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That is scary to me this woman is strong but her kids are taking a toll on her.

she admited to them of having an affair. That is what they are so upset with her about. we both know it was wrong but it happened and we can't change what we did. The sad part is they hate my guts but they don't even know me. they would never give her the chance to let them learn that i am a caring guy a guy that loves life and make their mother happy.

This morning when we talked she wants to come back to me my door will always be open. Her parents and brother know she wants to spend her life with me. but the kids are so hateful and spiteful. She is so afraid they will disown her forever. she was an amazing mom she loved and cared for those kids and is so afraid they will walk out of her life.

I guess a question I have is why can't her kids let her have her happiness? why can't they let her live her life. she is the one that raised the kids. her husband treated all of them so badly. DOES SHE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE HER LIFE OUT IN HAPPINESS OR IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BEND TO WHAT HER KIDS WANT?

she is looking for a place of her own and I know what she tells me is true that she wants to have our life together. But her one daughter who is supposed to be religious is so mean to her. She wants the love of her kids and I know her kids should come first and must. but how do you get it though their heads that they are ripping her heart out? Like I said these are adult kids ages 26, 23, & 20. We don't live in a prefect world i wish we did.

I think I can honestly say we both tried in our marriges god we gave it 29 years. why would adult children feel they need to control their mother like that. The Only reason I can think of is because they learned from their dad how to control people.

all I am doing is looking for answers on what to do maybe there isn't any answers that I will find.

All I know is that she loves me and I love her. Is a woman are even a man supposed to keep living a life they do not disire jus to please their kids? I mean life is to short I almost los mine to cancer a couple of years ago.

I guess what I am asking is should her and I move on with what we want and worry about the kids coming around when they know their mother is truly happy? and why would an adult child want to control what there mother wants when they have wanted her to leave him years ago when they were still at home? god I want her to have her kids but I want her also.

hope all of this made sense I know it is a lot of rambling but I am at such a lost on what either of us should do. for the life of me I cannot see how someone can be pressured to stay in a relationship if there is nothing there just to please her kids.

Like i said her brother and I are still best friend he knows she loves me and can't understand why her kids are acting like that. her parents are the same they want her happy too but or blown away with the actions of her kids.. they want us together they know we are a prefect match.

ok enough from me if anyone one has any idea's or suggestions please help me.. Sorry about alll the rambling on but it is hard to find the right words to explain all this

[michelle23]

I dont agree with affairs or any sort of cheating so you aint getting any advice from me. Theres a 1% chance of your little fantasy working out with this woman. If your in an unhappy marriage you should have left years ago instead of waiting for a plan B to come along. I just feel sorry for your wife who does not deserve this. I dont care how bad your marriage is. You could have gotten counselling or you could have separated/divorced before hopping into bed with someone else. This woman gave you over 20 years of her life and if you were not constantly thinking the grass is greener somewhere else-you may have actually been happy.

And when people have affairs-there heads are in the clouds-completely deluded and in denial. They forget that they ever loved their wife/husband and start noticing all the bad things about that person that they used to love while they notice only the good things about their new lover. Its just a delusion, a fantasy and an escape from reality and it never turns into something long lasting. Its more like a rebound.

Some people are just not equipped for marriage I guess. well I hope your wife finds a better man who doesnt think she is second best

Thats all I have to say

[Wakeup]

I guess a question I have is why can't her kids let her have her happiness?

and I guess my question is why did they want their mother back with their father if he is so bad to her that at one time they even wrote her a letter and told her to leave him? Just how have the "forced her" and why would they?

[Beau1959]

Well I did try counselling! Did it for years. i guess if you have never been married to a cold heartless person you would never understand. I gave it my all and then some. you can't judge someone until you have been there.

as for the affair granted it shouldn't of happened i never denied that. but when you feel nothing at home nothing at all and you gave it everything and i mean everything and still there was nothing. we would go to counselling and at times the counseller would look up at my then wife and ask her why is eveything my fault thaT is how she was she never did wrong she was perefect in her mind. no body is perfect. i even had my bother in laws ask why did i stay with her for so long when she was so hateful and mean. what i told is this when i said my vows i meant forever. Well after a point you can't give anymore. when i had my cancer it almost felt like she wanted me dead. that was the last straw. should could have cared less. that is when i woke up one day and said life is to short to live so unhappy.

hope you never get in a relationship that is nothing. I doubt you could handle it. guess some people think we live in a perfect world. Am I proud of what happened. Heck No. does it make me a bad person? maybe in your eyes it does but guess what what you think doesn't matter.

[Beau1959]

They have cut all ties with her. yes the affair has a lot to do with I know that and so does she. even now that she went back for now. this is a woman that has givin her life for her children and this is the respect she get? That is what we are trying to figure out. we are not proud of how this happened. we know it was wrong.
she wants nothing more than to move on with her life and be happy. the one daughter is just down right nasty. she is missing the contact with her kids. she was always close to them.

[Wakeup]

But WHY DID THEY WANT HER TO GO BACK TO HIM when they previously wrote her and told her to leave him?

[Beau1959]

If we knew the answer why I would tell you. I do know that their Dad has been harassing them daily. maybe they figured it was away to get him to leave them alone. daily he tells her how how her kids hate her guts how she is nothing to them. she has refrained from throwing back in his face all the kids have said over the years about him but she doesn't want to stoop that low.

All her and i want to figure out is if someday her kids can allow her to be happy. if they will ever forgive her and let her be apart of her life again.

[michelle23]

like i said already if she was such a cold heartless bitch why didnt you leave before the affair happened?

the reason i am being so harsh is coz you ALWAYS have options and in my eyes an affair is never the answer no matter how hard your life is.

my advice is to forget the Other woman. she has baggage and is unavailable. affairs never turn into anything good and clinging onto someone from the past is unhealthy. you should have gotten over your stupid teenage crush years ago like a normal person.

[samreddevilz]

Obviously she should not. She is a devil I think who doesn't love even her spouses!