How to recognize a love addict?

[Zaz01]

Love addiction is actually a psychological disorder despite the fact tht it doesn't sound so. I have suspicions that my ex is one although I'm not sure. She has most symptoms. Come to think of it now, portraying herself as a victim and constantly making me feel guity about everything is definitely something that I came across with her on daily basis.
Come to think of it, I wasn't really love avoidant like I thought...although I acted like it. That relationship just didn't satisfy me. I'm in a ridiculous state of mind now. Feel so much guilt. Not sure if it's because I feel i wronged her or because she made me constantly feel guilty. Like, there were a few times where I mentioned marriage. When I felt estatic. But I always would come down to earth. Realize that I just can't do it with her. Usually when we werent't alone but with her kid as well.Then despite knowing my reluctance she would always blame me how could I mention mariage and grt her hopes up and then take it back. I mentioned marriage like 3 times in 2 years but she'd hold onto it for months trying to force it......despite me always telling her I'm not okay with how things are .

Sorry for so many threads recently. Just using this as some sort of a therapy I guess. I need it.

[michelle23]

My definition of a love junkie is someone who has 10 relationships in 5 years. Someone who only likes the infatuation period and gets bored within 6 months only to hop onto the next person who shows them some attention for another 6 months.

Or someone who can never ever be single. They always have to be with someone even if its the wrong someone

[Zaz01]

That's the part of it as well. Those people can't cope with being single, that's for sure. My ex was married a long time and then had some relationships before me but literally, when one was broken, she would be onto the next. In the span of a week or so. Basically her entire adult life, she was never single. However she always told me it was different with me. That she was able to move on so fast before because she never really had feelings for anyone. Have no idea how she is doing now. But I'm sure she loved me. Although the last time we talked, she gave an imperssion she was on a manhunt. But I'm not sure about it. I believe she was really in love.

[overanxious]

I believe its real...although its probably accompanied by a more serious disorder

there are some people who just cant stand to be alone....to not have the world know they are wanted and valued

when me and my ex first got together...she posted song lyrics...marilyn monroe quotes about a real lover is someone who can thrill you buy kissing you on the forehead....called me her best friend in the world...."if you want to know where your heart is follow your mind when it wanders"...."sometimes you go on a first date and its reall awkward...and sometimes its like no other".......and boom....within the first week of dating her new bf she posted the same exact shit.....its a patter and a cycle

[stan92964]

I have a Master’s Degree in Psychology and I don't believe in the term, Love addiction". Every human-being needs love ... and I believe there cannot be too much love. I think what you are talking about is low self-esteem coming from not enough or adequate love as a child. Maybe the 2 of you are not a good match ... or maybe you have commitment phobia ... or maybe you are too selfish for any relationship. There's not enough information in your post to know. We as humans function mating with one other person and complete commitment is an essential part of that. We as a society have screwed this concept up pretty bad.
By the way, kids are the number 1 cause of 2nd divorces. I know I'm a bit random her, but trying to address what you wrote about ... and on that note ... women need security much more than men do. Confidence and security are the top 2 things women are drawn to in a man.

If you know you can never be happy marrying her, why don't you just get out of this relationship and move on?

[michelle23]

some people are not happy unless they have someone-anyone. i call that co-dependency though.

i know this one girl-shes 22. shes had sooo many bfs since she was lk 14. she hopped from one man to the next. i dont think shes ever been single. she now has 3 kids under the age of 3 with 3 different men and none of them are involved with the kids. one of the men is in prison for raping someone, another is an addict, and the other is married with 2kids(him and his wife split for a little while and he slept with her during that time)

anyway i think shes a good example of what your talking about

[Zaz01]

I have a Master’s Degree in Psychology and I don't believe in the term, Love addiction". Every human-being needs love ... and I believe there cannot be too much love. I think what you are talking about is low self-esteem coming from not enough or adequate love as a child. Maybe the 2 of you are not a good match ... or maybe you have commitment phobia ... or maybe you are too selfish for any relationship. There's not enough information in your post to know. We as humans function mating with one other person and complete commitment is an essential part of that. We as a society have screwed this concept up pretty bad.p
By the way, kids are the number 1 cause of 2nd divorces. I know I'm a bit random her, but trying to address what you wrote about ... and on that note ... women need security much more than men do. Confidence and security are the top 2 things women are drawn to in a man.

If you know you can never be happy marrying her, why don't you just get out of this relationship and move on?

I'm out of the relationship. She is my ex. Yes, I also may be a bit selfish now but in my defense, I wanna reach self actualization as a person. I'm far from a finished product and now it's my time to work on myself and accomplish what i want in life.
She married young, gave birth literally the second she left HS. Her choice. And yes, it was a choice. Years later she did develop into an amazing person but she set her way early. Very early. I still have places to go and see. To get into the whole family picture now would mean missing out on all the things I wanted as an adult. I know people differ but to me it never made sense to have kids before you take care of yourself. First grow as a person and take care of yourself before you decide to take care of someone else. While she decided to have kids right after HS. She was pregnant while graduating. I know some of it is family influence, for example my family always was more career driven and materialistic than hers but still. I think my stance is just mine. And I know women are crazy when they feel a need to have a kid and apparently she wanted it since she was like 14 but that's life. You make that decision, that's it. You missed many stages of development IMO but above all, your way is set. I'm not cloee to feeling ready for that. At least till I'm like 27 or 28.

And btw, kids the main cause of 2nd divorces? Not suprising but still a striking stat.

[Zaz01]

Man, as I write this stuff I realize just how much stress and difficulty the relationship provided me. As I'm still having withdrawl symptoms, sadness and feeling of guilt, man I do like being able to exprrss myself and not feel guilty for what i think or feel. But I guess it will still take time to get used to it. But man, I love this feeling that I'm allowed to have my own values, opinions and priorities. But I still have this voice that's like teling me to shut it..and guilt for thinking some stuff. I guess, gotta give it time.

Sorry for turning the forum into my private therapy session. And no one is even charging lol.

[michelle23]

just because you dont agree with her choices-doesnt make them wrong. everyone is different. im like you-id prefer to wait till i have the great career, nice house etc before having kids but other people cant wait to get married and start a family. its a choice and neither is right or wrong.

that being said, im 23 now and in a long term happy relationship so if i did accidently get pregnant-id handle it, id be fine, priorities would change and id love the child with all my heart.

if your having sex, you can get pregnant lol. you deal with it if/when it happens and make the best of it. having a child is not the worst thing in the world but of course id prefer to wait.

anyway you should just make the best of any situation. lifes too short

its a good thing your not together anymore-you were not compatable and you should look forward now to the next chapter in your life

[Zaz01]

Absolutely not judging her choices. Now. Now that I'm out of it. But when someone tries to force their stuff on you, it's different. I guess I'm kinda unleashing my anger within now.And she was always like, you're not missing anything. What is it thst you're missing? I really could've mentioned 100 things... but if I did, she'd start crying or get all weird...man...I guess her entire stance was that I would change or whatever.
Guess this is the part of being a love addict that kinda affects me perhaps the most....they always portray themselves as victims and make you feel guilty for everything. Damn, I'm a mess right now lol.

[Valixy]

Obviously you suffered too, Zaz and it's good to finally become aware of it. Give yourself time. You will feel better.

It sounds as if you felt that you had to sacrifice yourself in that relationship but in the first stages no relationship should feel like a sacrifice.

[stan92964]

The need for love as human-beings is only 2nd to the need for food and shelter. When a person gets the love they need in their life, the characteristics that you are talking about move into balance and a person becomes confident, happy and secure. They begin to focus on higher level needs like contributing to make the world a better place and achievement.
When kids grow up with the love and acceptance that they need … they are well balanced. They are confident and happy. They grow up to be self-assured people and others want to be around them. This is much like a vitamin deficiency … when your body lacks something it needs, it begins to have problems but when your body begins to get what it needs, it becomes healthy and strong again functioning like it should.
Introverted people often make the mistake of judging extroverts as “needy” or “co-dependent” and many other misunderstood destructive terms. Introversion and extroversion can be understood easily by looking at how one processes stress … the introvert needs to process stress alone and becomes grumpy if someone interrupts him at those times. He needs to problem solve alone. An extrovert needs to connect with someone they trust and process by talking about the problem causing their stress. This process is not about solving the problem for them, it’s about validation and understanding … nothing changes, but they feel better and now can go on to problem solving. Introversion and extroversion is neither good nor bad, but rather an integral part of who we are. It’s like being tall or short … that’s who you are and no one ever changes that.
Opposites often are attracted to each other and then don’t understand that they can be complimentary when they learn to really understand each other. When they don’t learn to understand each-other, they begin to view the other as wrong and end up destroying their relationship and separating.
Making love relationships work is sometimes complicated and has other factors than I have not discussed above. There are many books written about it like “Why Marriages succeed or Fail”, “The 5 Love languages” and “light Her Fire”… just to name a few good ones.

[samreddevilz]

I think it's so easy. Some unfamiliar behaviour will be seen. And always in a pensive mood. some others symptoms also.

[stan92964]

I always feel some sadness when I hear someone broke up because I know how painful it is even when it is logically the right choice. Loss at its best is difficult for all. I wish you the best in moving forward in your life.

BTW, self-actualization is a lifelong process … you will never reach the end product … none of us do.

Women do often have a much stronger need to have kids than men, but most men settle into being a father after it happens and learn that their kids bring some of their greatest joys and sometimes their greatest pain. Most men are not really ready to have kids before 27 or 28 and later … this is normal and healthy.

Kids in a 2nd marriage is a big subject, but in short; kids often have a very hard time accepting the “new man”, mothers are often “over” protective of their children and yet this rarely come up in a 1st marriage … and many times the new man has a hard time accepting another man’s kids. Big hurdles to overcome but it can be done.

[Zaz01]

Yup, it's exactly what it is. Logical. Although we knew from the start our relationship wasn't based on logic. It defied the logic. And we were fine with it. But it's one of those things...when the push comes to shove...
I don't have any more time to wait with the things I want in life..she doesn't fit in....and logically she needs something different.
It really sucks though....it does.
Not sure will karma reward me or punish me. Reward me for bravery...punish me for hurting a great person. Not that I overly believe in karma but it makes me wonder somehow. Was it brave and smart or cruel and stupid. Did i receive a gift that I didn't know how to apprreciate or was I just honest to myself and brave.