One year later: I still don't understand what went wrong

[Indestructible]

I know most people will just say that I should forget about all of this and move on, and I want to, I just have an extremely hard time doing that, because I don't get very many opportunities with girls as it is.

Last summer, I hit it off with a girl better than I've ever "hit it off" with anyone. The communication was great, we had a ton of stuff in common, we both had the uncanny ability of being able to make each laugh and smile all the time. I was happy and confident around her. I was never a "door mat" nor was I "puppy dog"-like to her in any way. There was enough of an emotional distance where I wasn't in the "friend zone". It was pretty much the perfect storm, exactly what one would hope for as they're building up a potential love interest. But when I asked her out, she said no.

Later, I learned that before I ever liked her, she used to date this other guy we both know, and he was the douchey arrogant full of himself type that was a known womanizing "player" type (even she knew this). Then, I recently found out she's been dating another guy I know (well, knew) for about six months, and while he's not as bad as the other guy, he still always had the whole lame "frat boy" thing going on. I just can't understand what she saw in those two guys that she couldn't have with me. She's so much smarter and more mature than both those guys, that's something me and her really connected on; heck, me and her used to make fun of guys like that when we were still on good terms.

I just don't understand what went wrong. I mean, I know I'll never be the "hottest" guy or the "coolest" guy, or whatever, but I always thought that if I could find a nice smart girl that I have a lot in common with and get along with really well, that that's all that would matter. Then, the one time, the one time, I finally find that, I'm still not "good enough" for her. It still bugs me, and I just can't understand, and I can't get past it. Can you ladies help me understand?

[Emereldess]

It has nothing to do with you. I'm guilty of something similar to this situation. I made a choice just like the one she made. I grew up with a non-existent father figure who was mentally abusive and sometimes but rarely physically abusive. I worked so hard I bled to try and get his praise but it almost seemed like it was never good enough. My up bringing left me hungry for male attention, but in order to satisfy what I was lacking, I unintentionally sought after men who would treat me similar to the way my dad did. In searching for those types, I never paid attention to the ones who actually had something good to offer. It took me five hard years (including regular counselling) to fight my way out of this pattern of thought and actually open up to the people that would not hurt me. Now I am with someone who couldn't hurt a fly - and I've never been happier. I hope you find what you're looking for and most of all, I hope you don't blame yourself for her blindness. A person's childhood has lots of power in determining their outcome as happy or sad adult individuals. Try to find happy people.

I hope this helps even a little bit
Best wishes

[UnderTheMoon]

I will agree with Emereldess on that, but I have another side to give you. Sometimes a girl doesn't put much stake in herself, and not just on her upbringing, but because of her first emotional encounters with the opposite sex. I myself have been with two people in my lifetime that I took seriously, the first was in my teens and he was a horrible control freak and for a while, I thought there was something wrong with me, so much so that the guy I briefly dated after him, seemed so decent, I thought I was tainted and would ruin his life somehow. I was a teenager, and that logic makes no sense now but back then it did. The second guy I was serious about was a little better than the first, but what I found because I was accustomed to the way the first guy I was with was, was emotionally cold to me. He would tell me he loved me and everything, but those things that a lot of women look for such as closeness and tenderness, were not there, needless to say with my destructive attitude about it we were together for 4 years. I am single now, and I have been learning about myself in ways I didn't know I could be. It really is great and maybe this is her problem. The good guy I dated between the two long term guys was sweet, genuine, and sincere. I didn't think I deserved that but I realize that as fragile as I was then, that I did deserve it, and hopefully I will meet someone I deserve again, not what that bad first impression made me feel like I deserved. So don't be hard on yourself, in the end if it's not her, there are girls out there that will fit what you are looking for again, they are rare but they exist, hopefully though the girl you like gets wise and opens her eyes before it's too late and she looks back and regrets it.

[alonebeast]

women don't care about things like "Feelings"

[UnderTheMoon]

SURE they do BEASTLY beast. Sure they do.

[basilandthyme]

Last summer, I hit it off with a girl better than I've ever "hit it off" with anyone. The communication was great, we had a ton of stuff in common, we both had the uncanny ability of being able to make each laugh and smile all the time. I was happy and confident around her. I was never a "door mat" nor was I "puppy dog"-like to her in any way. There was enough of an emotional distance where I wasn't in the "friend zone". It was pretty much the perfect storm, exactly what one would hope for as they're building up a potential love interest. But when I asked her out, she said no

<snip>

I just don't understand what went wrong. I mean, I know I'll never be the "hottest" guy or the "coolest" guy, or whatever, but I always thought that if I could find a nice smart girl that I have a lot in common with and get along with really well, that that's all that would matter. Then, the one time, the one time, I finally find that, I'm still not "good enough" for her. It still bugs me, and I just can't understand, and I can't get past it. Can you ladies help me understand?

While it sounds like you had a great friendship going on, it doesn't sound like the two of you had any chemistry. Did you flirt enough to get some chemistry happening?

If not, this is possibly where it went wrong. While I can't speak for all women, I would be unlikely to accept a date if there was no sexual tension happening.

[Indestructible]

While it sounds like you had a great friendship going on, it doesn't sound like the two of you had any chemistry. Did you flirt enough to get some chemistry happening?

If not, this is possibly where it went wrong. While I can't speak for all women, I would be unlikely to accept a date if there was no sexual tension happening.

*shrug* Honestly, I've never known what constitutes as "flirting". I just tried to have a "playful" attitude towards her when I could, and I felt like she reflected that back to me.

Actually, it's kinda weird, too, because she was really the one that pushed for me to open up in the first place. Prior to falling for her, I was in full blown "There's no one out there for me, and I just don't care, I'm staying in my own little bubble" mode. We found each other crossing paths more often, and shortly after, she really started making a lot of effort to initiate stuff with me. At first, I didn't think anything of it, and I actually thought she was into me, which freaked me out, and I tried to just stay away in hopes she'd back off, but she seemed to have a "Nope, you're not doing that, talk to me" kind of mentality. Then it occurred to me, why was I trying to push her away? Once I had that realization, all my fears and insecurities melted away, and whenever she was around, I truly felt like I could just be me. I never overthought anything, nor was I stressing out about her, we were just connecting more and more. It was almost freaky the way one of us would learn something new about each other and the other would say "Oh my god, me too!".

It sucks, too, because I still know her (not by choice, mind you), so I have to see her occasionally, and it just bugs me a lot. After she turned me down, I really spiraled down, and made some poor decisions. This eventually led to her coming to me to tell me that things had gotten super weird between us. We talked it out, and I apologized, but the discussion basically ended with her affirming that me and her are pretty much nothing. That was months ago. After that, we barely talked at all for the longest time. Recently, she's kinda started trying to talk to me more and joke around more again, which is what I told her I wanted when we had that last conversation, but now I've come to realize that if we go back to doing that stuff, I'll just fall for her again, and what good would that do? So it's tough. I don't want to be rude or mean to her, but as long as I know her, I think I'll continue to have lingering feelings.

I dunno. I just really wish I could find that kind of connection again. To be perfectly honest, I've never had that kind of connection with a girl before. That's what made it seem so special to me. There's only ever been one other girl I liked a LOT, but looking back, I never had a proper connection with that other girl, I only liked her for a silly reason. This recent girl, though, that was something "real" to me. It's not that I have trouble befriending girls, I just... never feel like I connect with any of them enough to date. It really hurts to finally find what I'm looking for, but not only can I not have it, I have to see other guys (that don't make any sense to me) have it instead. I mean, geez, I'm already 24, almost 25. How many more years am I going to have to wait to find another girl I even want to ask out (who may, herself, turn me down, too)?