Saving a 3yo relationship!

[Tatazildo]

Hi there! Well, as many of the posts here, I never thought I'd be posting on a love forum on the internet. But anyway here's the deal:

Me and Rachel have been dating for almost three years, and we were always very close and had a lot of common interests, like music (including playing and singing together), series, places, movies, that kind of stuff. Well we began going out together and seeing each other in 2010. We started having music classes in the same school and also studied in the same school (that was like 2nd year of high school). I was just coming out of a distance relationship and I discussed stuff with her and she helped me a lot cheering me and stuff. Her mother began giving me a ride to my house after the singing classes and rehearsals. We became closer as time passed and of course we began to like each other, so I finally told her I liked her and she answered she also did. We hooked up for about three months, we kissed for the first time here at my house and we began dating with a ring and everything on june 12th.

In 2011, 3rd and last year of high school, there was this girl in my class (in 2010 we were on the same class, me and Rachel, but the school decided to split couples for the next year) that had this attraction for me, and I won't lie I had a bit of desire for her too. But I won't lie, that was more of a sex thing, no feelings, I was loving Rachel like I've never loved anyone. I gave too much attention to this as we were split and stuff, and I even went out with her to see a Beatles tribute band. I mean I invited Rachel to go too but she couldn't, and I really wanted to go and this other girl LOVED the Beatles. At the time I guess I was way too moved by desire or something and I always regret doing this harm to Rachel, you know. I was such an idiot. People told me I was wrong and I just didn't realize at the time. That was really bad for Rachel. She was jealous and of course I told her about the whole situation and I told this other girl to stop doing whatever she was doing because I wanted to be with Rachel for the rest of my life. We never talked anymore. Oh and Rachel used to go on therapy at the time, since 2010 or even earlier I guess, and therapy was so great for her, because she has some self-esteem issues and some overprotective conservative parents. So time passed, we talked a lot about this, I was always apologizing, I cry when I talk about this and I regret every single day of those months.

Anyway we went to university, the same university, that was 2012. That's when things REALLY began to change. We were so in love and everything and all of a sudden we were arguing a lot with each other and there was always this tension and both were being idiots to each other. Also it's university and there's all these cool and new people and it all culminated in breaking up. I think that was april or something. That was our first breakup ever. And it was really really tough. We were talking at her house and she said she wanted to break up, because she thought we weren't going anywhere and were always arguing (and yes I admit that). Oh and also she stopped therapy, and that still plays a huge part in her life. But we tried to be friends. We were just seeing each other sometimes at university (also we live in the same neighbourhood) and talking via facebook I guess. I can't remember really well, it's a time I want to forget. We both cried and suffered a lot. Two months and we went out with a couple of friends and she was playing with me, touching me, tickling and stuff and she said "Can we talk after this?" I said of course. I remember it was a week I was almost deciding to move on and giving up on talking to her and being friends cause it was making me really sad. So I was taking her home after lunch and she said "I was thinking I was a bit hard on us and we could always talk or needed some time apart, so I brought the rings you left with me and was thinking if maybe we couldn't try again. I mean, only if you'd like to..." and OF COURSE I wanted to. I have been thinking on my behaviour and I did everything I could to change and be a better person with her and myself, and others of course. I hugged her so tight and we were both so happy and stayed together that afternoon and I never thought she'd want to get back together!

Now we're in 2013. I know there was this situation where I was really divided on not telling her or telling her I got a job at an advertising agency. Because what happened was there was only one available job and I told my friend some weeks before and she got my place, but another one opened soon and I didn't want to tell anyone and of course I regret not telling her but I did. This also moved her, this competitive thing I have. I feel this affected her trust, along with the other girl thing. Thing is we were really distant the last months. Not me. I went to a show 2hrs before it began just to be with her, with no guarantee of buying tickets or finding transport. Every time I was going home from work I stopped by her house just to give her a flower and see her and kiss her. I bought her something everytime I went to a library nearby. I was really into our relationship, even after three years! But I was feeling the things I was doing were not receiving a good feedback or return. I called her, we sat and talked and she admitted she was putting her stuff at university in first place, even in front of us, like she never did, and was being selfish and distant, but that we didnn't have to take any decision but to see if we can keep going. I said it was okay. One week later things stayed the same so I decided to give her some time to think about our relationship and everything. Only three days after she sat with me and told me she was tired of everything, not of us but all her self esteem problems and things in her family, and that our personalities were crushing against each other, that we were different, or something like that. It was painful. Not as the first one but still was. Thing is I want to get her back, I want to be a better person because of her, I want to sit and talk about our problems and put all those bad things behind our three year old relationship. We had plans, our families were close, her family liked me a lot and ever her conservative dad was talking to me and everything. I wanted us to survive university, I want to kiss her and be there when she needs me, I want to be that person who brings her up when she's down like I always did, and most of all I want to be everything to her like I once was. I really believe that in the state of maturity that our feeling and relationship I was we could sit and talk throught about ANYTHING. I am really divided between "let's still talk and you can see how we are compatible and leave all these things behind and focus on our feelings because I love you and I can be a better person for us" or cut off communication, cause I believe she also thinks our relationship is the cause to most of her problems when the state we were was actually just a consequence. We are still in the same neighbourhood, have the same things in common, same university, and we go to university together, with two other girls who also have a long term relationship. We always had and I still have this sexual attraction when I see her, so sex wasn't really a problem. Also, her birthday is on may 23rd. We still joke with each other and talk, but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Please help and sorry for the long text!

[michelle23]

honesy i think you broke any chance of a future with her when that whole thing with the other girl happened.

can you explain that in more detail? did you dump rachel for her? did you cheat? sorry your post is hard to understand

[Tatazildo]

I'm sorry if I made things unclear, really ):

No, I didn't dump Rachel, I kind of dumped the other girl because I wanted to be with Rachel, it was who I had feelings for and not just some sexual attraction or anything, like this other girl. I never cheated and I never allowed this thing with the other girl go any further than going to that show. I regret ever giving attention to this other girl, and Rachel knows that.

[michelle23]

okay i think you should ask her to meet you for coffee and ask her does she still love you, ask her is it really that she is not coping with everything or does she just not want you. ask her to be honest and tell her you will respect it if she has lost interest in the relationship.

all those things she said could have been her way of letting you down gently.

if she says that she loves you and can still see a future then you need to tell her that you want you both to be a team and work through this together. suggest relationship counselling and tell her you want to marry her one day. (if you do)

best of luck. i hope it all works out

[Tatazildo]

Oh, also it's been almost a month since we broke up this time, I forgot to mention, so I think it's a bit early to take any practical decisions... we needed a break anyway.

[smackie9]

Well as we grow up, we change. Our goals change, how we feel about things change, our thought on the future changes....and there is no stopping that. She is seeing life through more mature eyes, and is not the same person from 3 years ago. She may want to close this chapter in her life and move on to new and different things to experience. You can be the most sweetest BF ever, but it doesn't make a relationship stay for the long haul. Sorry but this might be her final decision. Yes you can call her out on it and see if she wants to try again, but I wouldn't leave it for too long to find out. Before you know it you will find out she is seeing someone new.

[Tatazildo]

Thanks! But what about being apart for some time and then start from scratch again? We created a hell of a bond all these years. I can feel her trying to be more mature but she still posts stuff about self-esteem and how she's tired of herself. I don't see her really happy at university too. She insists on showing me she is happy though, and we always have a glimpse at each other doing that kind of stuff. Don't forget she has this overprotective mother that passes a lot of insecurity to her. I just want to be that person who brought her up again and kind of saved her from her family and depression whenever possible... We have the same friends, same musical taste, I've changed in some manners too, I read a lot about the things I was ignorant with her and I'm trying to change. At the same time I feel I'm suffocating her I catch her stalking me at social networks all the time. Yesterday, for example, a friend of mine sent me a message at a university page about people we see on uni but are ashamed to talk to, on purpose. It looked so real and I really think jealously struck her. I really want to save this relationship, Rachel means everything to me and I know it took me a while to realize it. I think some time apart is the only way for her to know for sure if she misses me or not at all. What about her birthday? Can't I try to do something there?

Some important info is, the last time we broke up, we started coming back home from uni together and we talked about us on the subway sometimes. One day she said something that made me really sad and I had to go out in that station. I was half way up the stairs and she came and hugged me desperately crying saying I was her only real friend. The other day, we went to a japanese restaurant, just me and her, and we talked about us and on the way home she started crying and I hugged her and showed her all the support I could. Eventually we kissed each other, kind of accidentally, she was going to say goodbye and she kissed the corner of my mouth, and I just grabbed her. When catching the bus later this kiss day I said on her ear "I was missing it... your kiss", and she whispered back "me too" all cute haha. Of course, all that on the first time we broke up. What I want to say is from this last experience I kind of know how to act, but as you said she has changed, and she has, I don't know if it will work anymore. Thing is we will see each other every single day and go to same places when friends invite us...

[smackie9]

I know you are in a desperate situation but sometimes, no matter your desire, you just have to let go. I don't think her self esteem issues has anything to do with what happened to your relationship....it ended because of what I described in my post.....just a natural progression that happens to most everyone. Relationship will come and go in your life, this one ended and maybe so will the next. One thing for sure life marches on and so will you. I'm sure you have hear this from everyone else, and is tired of hearing it, but that's pretty much it. Now you can do one of two things...be her best friend or completely cut off all communication, go no contact. Me personally is go no contact because it will hit home for her what life will truly be without you. Talking to her and hanging out with friends together is spoon feeding her attention, so as she can continue on without the obligation of a relationship, as we call you being her emotional tampon. Right now from what we see she is just using you so she doesn't feel too much of the separation. You are best to cut her off and see what happens.

[Tatazildo]

I agree about cutting her off. We see each other every morning to get out ride to uni and it's just not right. I disagree about the definitive breakup, though, but I respect your opinion. Not only trying to be optimistic but we broke up once and she was so sure we would never get back together, and in the end she came after me. I think we need this time apart to be sure of things, especially her. From what I know our relationship, she needs to find herself first, be sure of things, and then realize what she's doing, fading people from her life who just want to see her happy (not just me, trust me, she's fading from people). I know I need to distract myself and be strong and happy. She'll probably, not for sure, see value once she lost it. Somebody just sent me that "crush message" I said and I think it hit her already. I'll see... but thanks, really, it's great to see different opinions!

I also still think the self-esteem thing played a huge part. When we were together, since she stopped therapy, I was the one bringing her up, not even her mother. I don't think she was able to see this, but instead blamed our relationship for her problems. She always admired and thanked that I cared for her and wanted and would (still) do anything to see her smiling. As I'm writing she just posted another "im down" thing on tumblr and it's hard not to text "are you ok? i saw this and that and i care". Now she doesn't have anyone... That's why I kind of think about cutting her off, if it's the right choice...

But hey I am REALLY glad you're helping here, smackie9!

[smackie9]

Sometimes people purposefully post stuff to the world to get attention. It's good that you are holding back because she is an adult, she needs to learn to be responsible for herself and her actions and not be dependent on others like yourself to give herself esteem a lift. All of you were making her dependent, and now it's time for her to stand on her own two feet.

[Tatazildo]

Updates: I called her to apologize for all the bad stuff I've done to her, for not letting her go for some time and so we could break up okay. Since that we are much much closer, she started playing with me and looking for ways to touch me. She tried to take off my shoe on our way home from uni and today she came by when I was doing stuff on the internet like all curious and trying to "annoy" me in a playful way. Of course on both situations I tried to stay cool and not give that much attention, 'cause I've been doing this for some time, and cutting her off apart from university issues, and it's working.

[smackie9]

Push and pull method...always seems to work.

[michelle23]

well keep being distant until she says "I want you back". Give her one month to say it and if she doesnt, you need to tell her you cant be friends so you can get over her and move on

[samreddevilz]

Hi, i think you broke any chance of a future with her, continue your life