Help! Falling in love with married man?!

[Miseryx3company]

Ok well as the title states, help, I'm falling in love with a married man and don't know what to do. Just to give you a quick overview of the situation, I am 23 and have a boyfriend who I have been with for 7 years. My crush is 36 and married with a 6 year old daughter. I know he is miserable with his wife, and so does everyone else. But he loves his daughter more than anything in the world, and that is why he deals with his wife. We work together in a restaurant. I have been there over a year he has been there over 10 years. I am a waitress he is everything. Head waiter, manager, bartender, caterer, etc. he is very close with the owner, top dog, if you will. Well when I first started there I hated him. He was nothing to me, nothing more than an asshole coworker. Oh yea, he's not attractive. At all. Anyway, idk what happened one day we stayed after for drinks and from there I had a little crush on him. We slowly became friends, then we slowly started flirting casually then the flirting became so intense he would slap my ass. Fast forward there were a few times we were drunk and fooled around. Well it was after the most recent occasion that I found myself a mess over him. After this one he also stopped talking to me for a week. He would avoid me then if he did have to say something it would be robotic and neutral. Then one day he was back to normal, and we had a deep conversation about my life and my boyfriend and he wants to help me with the shit in my life etc. it's like he has a radar for when I'm finally starting to be ok without him then he drags me back in to this vicious cycle. What am I supposed to do. I never expected this to happen. It was just supposed to be fun and games. Now I have serious feelings for him. I cry all the time bc I can't have him and wonder if he feels the same way but can't tell me bc of his wife. I also can't stop thinking about him sexually. I just want him fully one time then I can move one. I am a mess. Idk what to do bc he has power where we work. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable bc he could go to the boss and say something to save his own ass. Should I have a talk with him? Should I just sit on the sidelines in agony? What am I supposed to do? How so I get over him? It's at the point where id wait for him if I knew he would def leave his wife. Help!!!

[michelle23]

tell your bf the truth and let him go so he can find someone who deserves him and tell your lovers wife so hes all yours and you two lying cheating bastards can learn your lesson the hard way when you finally get your head outa your ass and stop seeing him through rose tinted glasses.

people like you and him deserve each other

[Wakeup]

Ok well as the title states, help, I'm falling in love with a married man and don't know what to do.

No you're not in love with him. You're LUSTING after him. You can't "love" someone who does nothing with you except let you blow him.

Can you even imangine a life with a guy that would do what he's doing to his wife. What do you suppose his actual character is like? Now, unfortunately you'ved dropped all your own personal boundaries and you've got the same anti-social character as him.

Start looking for another job. Stop spending alone time with him. Get yourself organized and then break up with your boyfriend of a gazzillion years and go out and experiment with single men for a while. Key word being SINGLE.

He's using you for the oral or whatever else he's getting from you and ****ing him once won't wash him out of your system. Zero contact with him and concentrating on being a person with personal boundaries that you won't cross or let anyone else cross WILL get you over your "limerence." Google "Limerence" and educate yourself in what you're in because IT'S NOT LOVE.

[michelle23]

whatever you do and i honestly couldnt give a toss what happens to you or him-just tell your bf the truth. he doesnt deserve this-noone does and stop making excuses by blaming the f**kers wife-its not her fault. it takes two to make a marriage work and they are both to blame IF hes telling you the truth that they are unhappyand now he has broken any chance of repairing his marriage with the mother of his child coz hes messing around with you and she doesnt deserve this bs either.

i dont care if shes the biggest bitch on the planet, if she nags him all day and refuses to have sex with him and laughs at the size of his d**k. if hes unhappy he should get mariage counselling or leave her. its no excuse to have an affair. it dont solve anything-just makes everything 100times worse

your a selfish two faced cheating liar. good luck when karma bites you on the ass

[bcgirl]

Sleeping with him once just makes the situation even messier than it already is and will make you even more confused than you already are and one day you will post " my boyfriend will never leave his wife". Be smart about this. He is MARRIED. How would you feel if he one day became your bf knowing that he was capable of cheating on his wife and family? Find a new job as a waitress elsewhere and run real fast outta this mess and allow the next 20 yr old waitress that replaces your position to strut her mini around him

[Miseryx3company]

Sleeping with him once just makes the situation even messier than it already is and will make you even more confused than you already are and one day you will post " my boyfriend will never leave his wife". Be smart about this. He is MARRIED. How would you feel if he one day became your bf knowing that he was capable of cheating on his wife and family? Find a new job as a waitress elsewhere and run real fast outta this mess and allow the next 20 yr old waitress that replaces your position to strut her mini around him

Thank you for not being as harsh as the other comments. Deep down inside I know you're right. I need to leave, and I'm kidding myself thinking I'll be satisfied if I can just have him to myself once. It's just difficult. And I'm stupid to think that he will ever be different or that I'm just "special". It's just hard to start over with a new job and obviously half of me doesn't want to forget about him even though I hate this drama and torture. I think I'm looking for answers I already know inside.

[Zaz01]

You have a boyfriend.
He has a wife.
You don't find him attractive now. Imagine what would happen after you two were together for a longer time?
He has a daughter. Really wanna get into that situation, dealing with someone else's kid, taking in the role of a stepmom?

I don't judge you. I guess those things can happen. Maybe you just lack something in your own relationship?

I think you should probably try to get a new job. That man, his situation....that's can of worms you don't want to open IMO. Now as for your BF situation, we obviously don't know enough about it...but IMO you should run away from a married man with a daughter.

[Miseryx3company]

No you're not in love with him. You're LUSTING after him. You can't "love" someone who does nothing with you except let you blow him.

Did you think that I haven't thought that its simply lust? I've thought about it plenty of times, over and over and I don't think it is just lust or I wouldn't be here. There is more to it than I have been able to type in the single paragraph overview I wrote. I'm just confused. I know that what you're saying is logical and makes sense and you're probably right about him, but I honestly can see myself with him. You are also right about my boyfriend. He has been my first and only serious boyfriend. I know that if we were still meant to be in our relationship I wouldn't be cheating on him. I know I need to leave him and that we have nothing anymore but it's way more complicated than that or I would've left already. I can't leave him right now and you just have to trust me when I say that but yes I know I need to experience life single instead of acting like I am. Thank you for your input.

[Miseryx3company]

whatever you do and i honestly couldnt give a toss what happens to you or him-just tell your bf the truth. he doesnt deserve this-noone does and stop making excuses by blaming the f**kers wife-its not her fault. it takes two to make a marriage work and they are both to blame IF hes telling you the truth that they are unhappyand now he has broken any chance of repairing his marriage with the mother of his child coz hes messing around with you and she doesnt deserve this bs either.

i dont care if shes the biggest bitch on the planet, if she nags him all day and refuses to have sex with him and laughs at the size of his d**k. if hes unhappy he should get mariage counselling or leave her. its no excuse to have an affair. it dont solve anything-just makes everything 100times worse

your a selfish two faced cheating liar. good luck when karma bites you on the ass

Wow thank you for being so judgmental. You don't know me and all you know is what I've written on one paragraph about the situation. It's actually much more complex and what I've written is only the surface. I'm not saying his wife deserves to be cheated on, because that's not how I feel. However, I do not judge him for what he has done bc I know the situation between them. He married her because she was pregnant with his child, which was an accident. She was told by the doctor age could never have children then she became pregnant. He was trying to do the right thing. His wife is also diagnosed bipolar/manic/depressive and has no one to take care of her. Her parents died and she has no family to turn to. He is scared of what she will do if he ever tried to leave her and who wants to deal with going to court and all that? It's just not something he can do right now so I don't think it's right that you were so quick to judge and make it sound like its so easy for him to leave her. As for my boyfriend, again, you don't know. What if I told you he beat me and. Was afraid of him that's why I can't leave? Not saying that's what's going on but you don't know so don't be so nasty. Do you think I WANTED this to happen?! Do you think I want to be in this situation? I am a strong believer in karma myself and I'm not worried about karma coming back to bite me in the ass k? My intentions are good and I'm trying to find a solution to this problem. Or else I wouldn't have asked for advice.

[Rowen]

tell your bf the truth and let him go so he can find someone who deserves him and tell your lovers wife so hes all yours and you two lying cheating bastards can learn your lesson the hard way when you finally get your head outa your ass and stop seeing him through rose tinted glasses.

people like you and him deserve each other

^ This is the EXACT reaction I always feel like having when I see these threads on the forums... You're very awesome, Michelle.

OP, with all due respect, have you consulted a psychiatrist? Honestly, the way he's acting- constantly pulling away and coming back- just goes to show that you don't really mean anything to him. It's so easy to sell the picture of an unhappy situation to outsiders who are not involved in the relationship. Hell, my one ex did it to me trying to sucker me into his web of misery after we were broken up and he was with someone else. THE MAN IS USING YOU! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD! If he was a grown man and actually unhappy, he'd leave her and stay civil for his daughter's sake. On top of that, doesn't the fact that he's been there 10 years ring a little bell in your head? It should... It means he's probably not looking for advancement and might be using his wife for a place to stay. And he's using you as a teddy bear when his dick gets lonely.

Now, you can sit here and go on thinking that he's worth it and this amazing person I'm sure you believe he is, OR you can look at the simple facts for yourself. In the end, do what you'll do, but I'm warning you that it's NOT going to work out if you go with him. Period. It will only make you the next wife he's using, if he actually goes with you.
KNOW YOUR WORTH AND DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS.

[Miseryx3company]

You have a boyfriend.
He has a wife.
You don't find him attractive now. Imagine what would happen after you two were together for a longer time?
He has a daughter. Really wanna get into that situation, dealing with someone else's kid, taking in the role of a stepmom?

I don't judge you. I guess those things can happen. Maybe you just lack something in your own relationship?

I think you should probably try to get a new job. That man, his situation....that's can of worms you don't want to open IMO. Now as for your BF situation, we obviously don't know enough about it...but IMO you should run away from a married man with a daughter.

Thank you for your honest advice and thank you for not judging me. As I explained to someone else, there is so much more to this situation than I was able to explain in the single paragraph overview I wrote. Yes, these things do happen. I wish it never did and I can't help my feelings for him. To answer your question I would. I can see myself being a mother to his child if I had to. It's not something I wish upon his daughter, to have a broken family, but if he left her I would be more than willing to step into that role. And that's what confuses me and makes me feel like its more than just a crush and lust. I would give up my life as I know it to be with him and take care of his daughter... But you'll ask would he do the same for me? No I don't think so. But I know it's because he is scared to leave her. If you read one of my other replies you will see why. As for my boyfriend, yes there is more to that than I have mentioned. And I know that I need to take care of that situation before getting involved in another. You are also right about the job. Waitressing jobs are a dime a dozen. I should leave, especially since he has so much "power" where I work. It's just hard. I live where I work, we're like a family. I've made some of the best friends I've ever had at this place. ::sighs:: I just don't want to feel this way ya know? :/

[Rowen]

I am a strong believer in karma myself and I'm not worried about karma coming back to bite me in the ass k? My intentions are good and I'm trying to find a solution to this problem. Or else I wouldn't have asked for advice.

No... You're asking for hope because you're an emotional wreck over him. And all you're doing right now is making up excuses for him. He's a grown man, OP. Don't make excuses for someone who doesn't respect their partner enough to be honest with them, even if they are crazy.

EDIT: Also, tell me more about how karma won't bite your ass off for fooling around with a married man YOU KNOW has a beautiful young daughter...

[Miseryx3company]

OP, with all due respect, have you consulted a psychiatrist? Honestly, the way he's acting- constantly pulling away and coming back- just goes to show that you don't really mean anything to him.

Uh yes that is the part that drives me the most insane. He'll pull away then a few days to a week later he'll come back and make me forgive him all over again then cycle continues. I don't know if it is because he doesn't care about me or if it is because he's scared or for whatever reason but every time I start to get over it and be ok I crumble at his feet again. It's terrible. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

[Miseryx3company]

EDIT: Also, tell me more about how karma won't bite your ass off for fooling around with a married man YOU KNOW has a beautiful young daughter...

Because I already said my intentions are good, I never got involved in this to be malicious or hurt anyone, especially his daughter. I didn't WANT OR WISH for this to happen, and I've never experienced anything like this before. I can't help my feelings, it just happened. You can sit there and judge me all you want and tell me I'm wrong, it doesn't matter. I can sleep just fine at night because I know I'm a good person stuck in a shitty situation. I'm just trying to seek advice maybe from someone who has actually experienced what I am going through. Didn't post this so I could be criticized and insulted by people who know absolutely nothing about me and don't even know the full situation. So go ahead, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, keep sitting on your high horse judging people then we'll see who karma comes back to.

[Rowen]

Uh yes that is the part that drives me the most insane. He'll pull away then a few days to a week later he'll come back and make me forgive him all over again then cycle continues. I don't know if it is because he doesn't care about me or if it is because he's scared or for whatever reason but every time I start to get over it and be ok I crumble at his feet again. It's terrible. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

I told you he doesn't care by the way he's acting. Get that through your head. HE'S LEECHING OFF OF YOU. And you're bending over backwards to be the doormat so he can do it... KNOW YOUR WORTH. Stand up to him and walk away and KEEP WALKING. Fulfillment in your life is going to come through whatever the hell you choose to do with it, but you're going to make yourself miserable if you keep thinking he's going to be the rainbows and unicorns dream you seem to think he is right now.

So, here's what I want you to do RIGHT THIS SECOND.... Say to yourself, "I mean nothing to him. He's not worth it because he's married with a child and feels it's okay to use people." If you can't say that yourself, you're obviously too hell bent on maintaining some sort of hope that you've broken with reality. HE. IS. MARRIED. YOU. WERE. HIS. TOY.

End of story.