Please help! relationships without labels?

[amandabrooke]

I'm in serious need of some advice! So, I met this amazing guy in March at a local hangout spot that we both frequent. At this time, I had recently broken up with my terrible ex. He had gotten out of a 6 year relationship in November, but was recovering well (not rebounding because he had already dated/slept with a few people). We instantly hit it off and started hanging out every day. At this point, we were both looking for a friends with benefits situation, so we started sleeping together. He said that after the breakup with his ex, he wanted to try to stay single for the rest of the year as a personal goal. I definitely wasn't looking for a relationship either. But something was different right from the start. We would talk for hours, cuddle, and sleep over each other's houses, not only have sex. And we agreed that we just have this amazing chemistry and deep connection, like we've known each other for years. We ended up talking about the situation and both agreed that it's too late not to have feelings for each other. But neither of us really want to rush into an official relationship, so it's now in the confusing territory of basically being a relationship without the label. We've been describing it as "it is what it is". We go out on dates (which he always tries to pay for), we have PDA, we hang out almost every night, we've met each other's friends and he's met my parents, he even refers to himself as my boyfriend when other guys try to hit on me. We've clearly agreed to be exclusive, and I know he's not the kind of guy to try to hook up with other girls behind my back. I've honestly never been treated this well by a guy before. So, all the trappings of a relationship without the label.

The problem is, though I'm really happy, I'm not sure if it can stay in this territory for too long. I don't want to force an official relationship and risk ruining what we have. But, admittedly the no label situation makes me a tad bit uncomfortable, just for stability's sake. I'm really starting to fall for this guy, and I could see us going somewhere. So, please advise me! Should I take my time and see where this situation leads? Have another discussion with him about it? Option number three? Thank you

[Kom9168]

Amanda,

I really feel like your situation is very similar to my own. I have recently started seeing a woman and her and I had the "commitment" discussion, we are on the same page but we also agreed that we don't need to jump to label it. You worded it as "We've clearly agreed to be exclusive" but I have to ask, is this an assumption on your part, or did you literally use the words with each other that you are committed and will not be seeing anyone else while this plays out? I have seen so many unfortunate people get hurt by assuming that because sex was involved that they were in a committed relationship, and being hurt by people who immediately would play the "well we never agreed on that" card, so I just want to make sure.

I much like you, have started falling for the one that I am with, like you have also started to get questions on if it is without a label then would it ever become "legit". I have found from previous relationships that I occasionally will over think situations, scenarios, and come to the worst case solutions... My advice to you is simple. You should keep your mind occupied on your life and enjoy your time not only with but also apart from him. Do not be at his every beck and call, I actually like it when the woman that I am seeing is not available every time that I ask as it creates more anticipation for when I can see her, but don't play games with him, you should be unavailable because you are busy, not just because you want to say not every once in awhile. Keep it low key and see how it plays out.

True feelings don't need labels. I always tell myself that there is no way that I would be walking through a park with her dogs if I didn't like her as much as I do (I am allergic to both dogs and most things you would find in a wooded park)... Take note of the things that he does for you, and hopefully he is as amazing as you say he is, because you will soon realize that he is doing things for you and with you because he is into you...and not just interested in sex (also be wary of the latter).

I hope this helps, and if anything else comes to mind post it here and I will check back to see if I can add some more reassurance or clarity

[basilandthyme]

Amanda, you're rushing it. And may I add that having a label doesn't add stability. You and he could agree to be 'in a relationship' and then bust up in June.

At this stage, you're having fun together and have agreed to be exclusive. As long as your long term relationship goals are compatible, then I say relax and enjoy. However, if he says things like "I'm never gonna get married" or "I hate kids" and this is something you want, then it's time to be concerned.

Go with the flow till at least the end of the year and then see how he feels.

[Wakeup]

Does he expect this dynamic to continue indefinately or just until he reaches this so called goal of his to be "single" for a year? Frankly if you're doing everything that committed, exclusive partners do, then what's his phobia about labelling it all about? Whats the reasoning behind his preference to sail on without a rudder so to speak?

I will agree that its only been less then three months and you need to cool your jets but that doesn't clear up why he is thinking the way he is and refuses to call a spade a spade. Perhaps he's just taking his time to make sure you're not a psycho crazy lady, relax for now.

[michelle23]

Just relax for now and go with the flow. Give it a few more months and see if he wants to "label" it then. I think its a stupid goal to have. Hes not single so pretending he is just to reach some bullshit goal is a bit ridiculous. He either wants you or he doesnt.

Just protect your heart for now-be cautious and if nothing changes in the next 3 months-walk away.

It does sound like hes emotionally unavailable though, possibly still hung up on the ex or afraid of getting hurt so dont get your hopes up. he may not be a keeper

[amandabrooke]

Kom9168, thank you, your response made me feel so much better about the situation! It does sound very familiar to yours, I agree. In response to your question, we have discussed exclusivity with each other and explicitly agreed not to see other people, so I'm not worried about that aspect. He has strong ideals and respect for women and I know if he wasn't interested anymore he would be most likely to tell me straight up.

Thanks to everyone else for your replies as well. I agree that the 1 year goal is a bit ridiculous, but I respect this guy a lot and I think he's just nervous about getting hurt. Hell, I've been there, so I understand. I think the best thing to do would be to relax, enjoy, don't pressure the situation, and see what happens. If all is well in the next few months, re-discuss commitment. Any tips for that discussion, when it inevitably happens? Or how to address this goal of his without offending him? Still don't want to come off as pushy. I think one of the best things about our relationship so far is how much we just relax and enjoy the other's company without worrying about a lot of the formalities that go into a more traditional relationship- and I definitely don't want to lose that.

[lalalita]

Everything you said in your original post, say to him.

[afroman]

Talk about it with him. Tell him how you feel. But whatever you do, don't let any anger or jealousy interfere with what you say. If he can't give you a solid answer, don't assume you're being played either. If you understand where he's at emotionally (not just with you, but with everything) you'll understand his decision making. It is your option to accept how he feels or walk away.

From what you've described, this sounds like the perfect congruent movement into a relationship. He sounds like a great guy. Unlike many people who may claim this guy has a fear of commitment or something, as we all know breakups can really knock someone off their feet and it takes a while to get it back together. He's probably just waiting it out to see if you're the right one for him (which you are!).

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... There's a good chance it is a duck.

[michelle23]

OP just be sure your not being used as a rebound. I wouldn't get too close until he starts showing signs that hes really into you. The best way to achieve that is to let him chase you a bit. Don't do all the work for him. Wait for his calls and texts, let him arrange the plans for now and see how often you hear from him

And if you want to test how much he really likes you-then all you need to do is stress him out a little. If he runs for the hills-then he was never yours to begin with. However if he tries to defuse the situation and make everything great again between you-that means he does care about you a lot.

I dont believe in playing games normally but if you think he is-then dont be afraid to test the water a little and push his buttons.

Best of luck

[amandabrooke]

Michelle- how would you suggest I best do this? I am in no way a game player in my relationships. Also, he was badly hurt by his last ex and I don't want him to think I'm the same type of girl.

[michelle23]

well you dont want to make the situation even more complicated. i think you should just make sure that its 50/50 -that its not him always calling all the shots. dont keep following his lead or dropping everything for him.

if he says can i pick you up at 6? say iv got plans-can we make it 7:30? do that maybe once a week until you know for sure hes not playing you or using you.

if you want to stress him out a little-start an argument or throw a little hissy fit. only do this once and only with good reason. you will know by his reaction if he really cares about you or not. hel either hug you and try to calm you down or tell you to get lost. if its the latter then hes not that into you

[amandabrooke]

I've gotten upset in front of him a few times. Not specifically at him but one situation started because of an offhand comment he made. I tend to get really quiet and withdrawn when I'm upset, and I did in this situation. I left him and went to sit by myself. After a minute or two he came over, sat next to me, and apologized for the comment and what had happened. He held my hand and let me rant about it. In the other instance, which was only a week ago, we were out in public and this drunk guy started following us and saying rude things. I basically told him to f off and my guy got in between us, handled the situation, and made sure the drunk guy left. Afterwards, when he could see I was upset, he hugged me and made sure I was okay. He's never tried to "run for the hills" when I wasn't at my best. Think these would be good indicators?

[michelle23]

how is he in general with you? how often do you see each other? have you met his family or friends? are you happy with everything else apart from his stupid rule about labels?

i still think thats really odd. he acts like your bf in every way, wants to be exclusive but doesnt wana be called your bf? like wtf?

[fearoflove]

Totally playing you, sweetie. If you bring up commitment and a guy resists, he isn't into you. If you haven't brought it, do it! I will say, a month of dating regularly, people know if that person is a gf/bf worthy. He is nice to you so he can disarm you and confuse you. He wants to keep you around but he isn't serious about you.

[amandabrooke]

In general, he's always caring, sweet, etc. Treats me better than most, if not all the guys I've dated. I've met most of his closest friends and they all know we've been seeing each other. We hang out almost every night and are always showing up to places together. He even invited him out with him and his older brother, and he told his other brother all about me. Puts pics of us together on facebook. I've been out of town for a few days and he's been in regular contact and told me multiple times he missed me.

I haven't talked to him about the label thing in a while, and at that point we were relatively new and decided basically not to rush things and see where they led. And re. the "rule", it was never a rule about labels as it was a goal to be single for the rest of the year after his breakup. He hasn't even brought it up since we've been together. In addition, it's not like he has a problem being called my boyfriend, since I've done so a few times when others have asked. He's called me his girlfriend too. There just hasn't been a discussion about this in over a month. I've been relaxing and letting it happen. But ALL the pieces are there. I don't want him to think I'm overreacting about a label...would it be too much to think that the official label part will happen naturally in time?