Follow my heart or brain?? Please help...

[Twinkle123]

I'm 22 this year. I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 7 years. Everything has been smooth sailing. Once in awhile...we do get into arguments but we always give in to one another. It was until recently that my parents brought up the topic of when do we intend to get married. That is when all the problems start occurring. I realized the both of us were not ready to commit. After all, we are still young and no one knows what might happen in future. It was until one of those late night talks when he told me he finds our relationship very stagnant. Just because we don't quarrel often or there were no conflicts doesn't mean we might be meant for each other. It was an open table talk, he told me he has no confidence in himself. So we're still together but I told myself that he shouldn't be my priority anymore. So I went out with friends and tried to keep myself occupied. I still love him but I'm heartbroken upon hearing those words...

On the other hand, I have this guy friend who has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for about 5 years. We used to just be very normal friends. But recently...we got closer through text messages as we realized that our relationships both had problems. Both of us needed someone to talk to. We would confine in each other whenever we were upset. Then...I don't know since when, I think I developed a little feelings for him. He was more than a friend. Honestly, I could feel that he feels the same way too. But no one is doing anything because we both know what's the morally correct thing to do. We can't cheat on our partner's backs. So no one is saying anything.

The other day...we met up. We just thought of chilling so he brought me somewhere quiet to talk. We were sitting in the car. I'm not sure if it was the ambience. It was raining outside and we were drinking. I'm not good at drinking. So after awhile, I started getting high. I don't know why but I kind of hinted him that I actually do feel something for him. I'm not sure if he's aware though or he might just think I'm drunk. I just knew the whole time I was hugging onto him. There came a point where we were so close. We would have kissed if it was a cm nearer. Apparently, he looked me straight into the eye and didn't push me away. But no, we didn't kiss because we snapped out of it. He told me he just felt very stressed. The whole time, he was taking care of me. He didn't take any advantage of me. After which he sent me home. After I bathe, did I realized what actually happened. I text him to apologize for all that had happened. He told me no worries.

Thing now is I don't know what should I do. I don't know how he thinks. I hate this whole waiting game. We're both hanging and we don't know where we're going. No one is willing to do anything. My heart tells me I do have feelings for him. But my brain tells me that's not the right thing to do. I'm pretty sure that's bothering him too. Although his text messages sounds alright, we both kind of know it wasn't alright. We're just pretending we're both fine. I'm afraid I'll lose him as a friend. I'm afraid he won't contact me anymore. What am I supposed to do now? Should I text him 1st? Or should I wait for him to text me? I don't know if he wants to continue our relationship just as friends or maybe to a higher level but of course we have to talk things our between our current relationship. Should I follow my heart or brain? If I'm to text him 1st...when? How to start the conversation? If I'm to wait for him to text me, how long am I supposed to wait to know he's interested too. I feel so miserable...help me please.

[michelle23]

What you are doing is wrong and it doesn't fix your situation with your bf. Its called an emotional affair and if you want your long term relationship to work-you need to cut ALL contact with the other man now! You have a few options.

1/. break up with your bf and be alone for awhile and grieve the loss of that relationship before dating someone else.
2/. try to fix whatever is wrong and work on making each other happy (with your bf)

This other man is just a fantasy, an escape from reality. It is a very unhealthy and destructive way to deal with relationship issues and it is not fair to your bf or his gf so STOP it now. You are infatuated by each other, your looking at each other through rose-tinted glasses but if you both dumped your partners for each other-those rose tinted specs would come off and youd see things a LOT differently a few months down the line.

The best thing you can do now is get this other man out of your life completely and either focus on fixing your relationship with your bf or dump him and be on your own for awhile.

If you get together with this other man-its likely one or both of you will just be rebounding and four people will get hurt. Its not worth it.

All you are doing now is lining up a plan B incase plan A doesnt work out and that is a bad way to end a long term relationship. He deserves better than you running straight into another mans arms after so long together. You and he are supposed to be a team. Work things out together and make it work or end it now and get rid of the other fella no matter what happens. He should be trying to work his problems out with his girlfriend-not with you. Its unfair.

If you have a fear of being alone (and thats the reason you are doing this) than the only way to conquer that fear is to face it head on and learn that you can do it.

[Wakeup]

I think you need to learn live your life without a boyfriend in it for a while. You were 15 when you and your boyfriend started going together and now you're both bored and feeling stagnated with your relationship. Now, you want to jump right out of one man's life and right into another's. How come you don't have a sense of wanting to live life as a single for a bit, experience dating, being with your friends without having to answer to anyone, learning to make a living and being able to look after yourself?

If you want to leave your boyfriend,then leave him but don't stick around until some other boy will take you, that's codependency and fear of being alone. Don't ruin your bf's confidence and self esteem by laying an infidelity on him. Just break up with him, leave your male friend alone so that he can figure out if he's with the right women and just stop all this business of you both allowing yoruselves to become vulnerable to one another. That's called an emotional affair and its wrong for you to keep an opposite sex friend in your life (while in a relationship) if you're allowing yourselves to become vulnerable and meeting up one-on-one in hopes that he'll do something sexual with you. Don't let yourself become that woman.

Your parents did not bring you up to be a cheater, a home wrecker or a woman that is dependent on men to survive so stop being all those things. Don't contact him again. Don't be weak and foolish. If you feel guilty now, how do you think you're going to feel if you keep trying to make something happen with him and you succeed. The shame of it.

[smackie9]

You both are attracted to each other because it's new and exciting, and you both haven't passion like this in years. It's a false attraction.....you are just feeding off the emotions, kind of similar to a rebound. I'm not going to scold you for what you are doing, you are an adult, you can make your own decisions.

I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions like, do you really see a future with your BF? Do you want to experience new relationships before settling down? Do you feel you are missing out?

I know the repercussions of ending your relationship with your BF scares you, but you will overcome it, and from what he has said, it might not be as hard as you think.

If you do decide to end your relationship, don't do it because you think you aer getting together with this dude. It can lead to utter disappointment when they go back to their ex, leaving you in a mess.

Break up for the right reasons.....time to do some more soul searching.

[stev123]

You didn't use your brain the first time, your boyfriend was honest about how he felt and he has some degree of honor - you shouldn't have gone out and seen someone else. Since you have already done this, it's time to cut it off with your boyfriend, since he deserves better. Acting out like a child when you are in a 7 year relationship with someone is unacceptable, just because you fear of being alone, it doesn't mean you have to go behind your boyfriends back and see other men. Follow your heart, because you don't have a brain.

[TablesandChairs]

I was in a similar situation some years ago; my then boyfriend and I had been together for a long time (since adolescence) and we became more friends than lovers. At that point, I could have seen him in bed with another woman and not felt much jealousy. Things just died. Having an emotional affair at that point would have been very easy...it would have barely felt like cheating. But I didn't (which is good since I didn't needed the added drama). I took my time to figure things out and things ended as a result.

Not all relationships last forever; especially ones that started at a young age. It's not the end of the world, but you need to be resolute that you no longer want your current boyfriend - not just because you've got someone else (potentially) but because your relationship no longer working, feelings aren't there anymore etc. You're young so don't get trapped into something that is already showing signs of decay.

[stephinie]

Ask your heart, you really want to continue your relationship with him after the way he expressed youself? I am sure that soon your heart and mind will tell you the same....

[Zaz01]

Come on guys. She hasn't been single since she was 15. The idea of being single now must seem to her like going to war. It's an unknown and dark place where everything is very, very different. I know many people that are in such situations. And although it wasn't fun at all for me to spend large parts of my adolescence only watching porn, I guess I do somewhat appreciate it when I encounter people like her lol.
All major phases of personal development, they were in a relationship. To go from that to being single as an adult is ridiculous.

OP, do what you have to do. For the most part, I do agree with things posted already. Just one question, are you more concerned about losing your boyfriend or your friend? Oh and, when people do postphone commitment and use various ways to reason it, like age, finances, this or that, more often than not they don't actually want it. That's why they always delay it and find reasons to justify it. Some food for thought.
When people really want it, they,re like, economy's bad, we're young, this sucks, that sucks but we love each other and we want it...**** it, let's do it.

In your case, what I suppose is going on, what you mean by young is actually 'we're each other's only partners, we haven't really been with other people, we don't know if there are other people out there that are better for us, we don't know if we can commit to each other yet we haven't really been with other people, haven't experienced things without each other' etc.
Now, that dilemma is a bitch.

[Twinkle123]

Come on guys. She hasn't been single since she was 15. The idea of being single now must seem to her like going to war. It's an unknown and dark place where everything is very, very different. I know many people that are in such situations. And although it wasn't fun at all for me to spend large parts of my adolescence only watching porn, I guess I do somewhat appreciate it when I encounter people like her lol.
All major phases of personal development, they were in a relationship. To go from that to being single as an adult is ridiculous.

OP, do what you have to do. For the most part, I do agree with things posted already. Just one question, are you more concerned about losing your boyfriend or your friend? Oh and, when people do postphone commitment and use various ways to reason it, like age, finances, this or that, more often than not they don't actually want it. That's why they always delay it and find reasons to justify it. Some food for thought.
When people really want it, they,re like, economy's bad, we're young, this sucks, that sucks but we love each other and we want it...**** it, let's do it.

In your case, what I suppose is going on, what you mean by young is actually 'we're each other's only partners, we haven't really been with other people, we don't know if there are other people out there that are better for us, we don't know if we can commit to each other yet we haven't really been with other people, haven't experienced things without each other' etc.
Now, that dilemma is a bitch.

Thank you so much for understanding Zaz01. That's exactly what I'm trying to put across. The thing that tortures me is that I'm afraid of losing both of them. I'm not sure if it is normal to feel like this. I just feel confused & miserable. Yes...probably a part of me is afraid to stay single, I don't know. In fact, I had my first boyfriend when I'm 13. After I broke up with him about 1 and a half years later, I got together with my current boyfriend in about 2 months. And in a blink of an eye, it's been 7 years. I thought all has been okay until marriage was being brought up. Then we realized there were actually so many hidden problems within us that were not brought up. I guess we're both not ready for commitment yet.

At the moment, I actually realize I'm more afraid of losing my friend. I feel horrible about myself. But on the other hand, I don't know if this feeling is just temporary like what everyone else is mentioning as above. True that, if we really want it...we'll just get married. But I guess we don't want it that bad. I can't agree more on your last paragraph. That's what is going through my mind all along. Yes. That dilemma is killing me and I don't know what to do.

In fact...about 3 years down my current relationship, the same thing happened to my boyfriend and another girl. Yes, I felt awful. Adding on to what he mentioned that night about losing confidence in our relationship, it serves as a wake up call to me. So I thought I'll probably just widen my social circle and hang out with more of my other friends and stop enclosing myself. But I didn't expect this to happen. This sucks so bad.

[Twinkle123]

Thank you so much for understanding Zaz01. That's exactly what I'm trying to put across. The thing that tortures me is that I'm afraid of losing both of them. I'm not sure if it is normal to feel like this. I just feel confused & miserable. Yes...probably a part of me is afraid to stay single, I don't know. In fact, I had my first boyfriend when I'm 13. After I broke up with him about 1 and a half years later, I got together with my current boyfriend in about 2 months. And in a blink of an eye, it's been 7 years. I thought all has been okay until marriage was being brought up. Then we realized there were actually so many hidden problems within us that were not brought up. I guess we're both not ready for commitment yet.

At the moment, I actually realize I'm more afraid of losing my friend. I feel horrible about myself. But on the other hand, I don't know if this feeling is just temporary like what everyone else is mentioning as above. True that, if we really want it...we'll just get married. But I guess we don't want it that bad. I can't agree more on your last paragraph. That's what is going through my mind all along. Yes. That dilemma is killing me and I don't know what to do.

In fact...about 3 years down my current relationship, the same thing happened to my boyfriend and another girl. Yes, I felt awful. Adding on to what he mentioned that night about losing confidence in our relationship, it serves as a wake up call to me. So I thought I'll probably just widen my social circle and hang out with more of my other friends and stop enclosing myself. But I didn't expect this to happen. This sucks so bad.

[smackie9]

Losing people in your life will not destroy you. From what I have learned, people will come and go throughout your whole life.....you will even out grow some of your friends and make new ones. You change as a person and so will the people around you......change is healthy.


Maybe you would feel better if you talked to someone who is real close to you, like your mom. The more you confide in someone that really knows you the lesser the confusion....then you will be able to think more clearly on your situation.

[Wakeup]

Thank you so much for understanding Zaz01

You know it's easy to grasp onto the words that you want to hear. The hard part is listening and understanding that which is actually in YOUR OWN BEST INTERESTS.

Jumping from one long term relationship right into another without ever learning how to be single isn't in your own best interests. What will happen to you if this second guy leaves you? How will you even learn how to cope through the pain of being alone if you've NEVER learned to be happy while alone?

You're cheating on your boyfriend, you're cheating yourself and you're running to a guy that you think is going to save you from YOURSELF.

Like I said in your other thread: Ask your mother what you should do. She will help you because she loves you and will want whats in your best interests.

[Zaz01]

No. Don't ask your mom. Parents **** things up often. They're best kept out of the relationship. And sometimes it is hard for them to connect to and understand kids. Plus, there are generational differences. Especially noticeable in ex communist countries.
I'd rather talk to a friend if I were to talk to anyone. Your parents already caused this turmoil, obviously they put the pressure on you. The less you involve parents, the better IMO. Generally speaking.


Listen, the dilemma you're facing is the one a lot of high school sweethears face. Do i stay with the person I'm with or do I test the field. Both options have pros and cons. Ultimately, it depends if your relationship is really good, do you really love your boyfriend, are you the person you wanna be with him, is he what you want etc. Even though it's gotta be hard right now to even imagine living without him, deep down you should know the answers to those questions.
In the end, just do something. You could either lose a great person because you wanted to see what's out there....or you could tie yourself down to someone who doesn't fullfil you. Avoid those two scenarios and you should be fine. If he does fulfill you, be happy you found him, regardless of when. If not, you know what to do.
There is a substantial grown that's possible for you if you do breakup but it will get bad for a while...it gets terrible before it gets better...if you choose that option. In the end, you make a choice and live with it. Not an easy situation, I know....mais, c'est la vie.


I don't think your friend is really important here. He's most likely a projection of your own self questioning. Your parents put a bug in your ear and now you're in state of confusion and feel under pressure.

[Wakeup]

As a fellow woman, I'm advising you to speak with your mother and ask for her advise. Men don't tend to do that as much as women do but it's in your own best interests to speak with someone who loves you and will guide you in whats best for you. You don't have to take her advise but its a good idea to get her thoughts on your changing feelings for your current boyfriend. Particularily since you've been going together for so long she's wondering when you're going to get engaged. She thinks you're happy when you're not.

Strangers on the internet do not know you, or your boyfriend like your mother does. Trust her to guide you, I say. I'm pretty sure she's not going to want you to marry someone you're not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with and her support will help you to do what you've got to do.

[michelle23]

OP you are only listening to Zaz coz he is telling you what you want to hear. Your friend has a long term gf. He loves her and even if he is stupid enough to ditch her for you-it will NOT work out in your favor in the long run. I know you dont want to believe that but I am 100% positive about that.

And you may regret hurting your bf so bad in a few months time and desperately want him back but you will f**k up any chance of that happening if you cheat on him with this friend.

Do the right thing and end your current relationship with dignity and respect on good terms. That way if you both want each other back in 6 months time-it wont be complicated or messy coz you have not betrayed him or hurt him anymore than necessary.

Stop thinking "me, me, me". You are being selfish. Put your bf first, consider how this will hurt him. 7 years is a long time and he deserves better than you leaning on some other taken man for emotional support. How would you feel if you found out your bf was doing all this with another girl behind your back? You are emotionally cheating and you need to stop it now.

I dont care that you are young or that this is your first relationship or that you are not sure how to handle this. Its all bs. Cheating is cheating and it is wrong and I dont care what your reasons are or how you are gonna try to justify it or what excuses you come up with. You are an adult, in an adult relationship so start acting like one.

Time to grow up and do the right thing.

And you should be alone for awhile so you can learn how to be an emotionally mature, responsible individual who does not run straight into another mans arms as soon as your long term relationship gets a little tough. It is the cowards way out for weak and pathetic people. Sorry the truth hurts but its reality so get your head out of your ass and stop being do selfish.