girlfriend thinks i like another girl

[michelle23]

Michelle, you are losing your mind more every day. You have no clue what you are talking about. have you not figured out that sometimes people do the right thing the first time, as the OP did and just letting things play out is the right thing to do? You have an absurd sense of what a relationship is all about. So, this guy, in your insecure mind, after telling his woman there is zero interest in this other woman now should stay clear of the other woman just to prove his loyalty? hahah, that's BS. How about his woman changes her behavior and gives the guy the trust that he deserves? Yeah, I Know, crazy shit, eh?

As far as my wife goes? even funnier. So now my wife is not worthy of my trust and unable to resist advances (if there are any) from male co-workers when traveling? Ohm my gawd, maybe I should demand that she quit her job or tell her boss that she is no longer allowed to travel unless the company providers her a chastity belt. There are no reasons to suspect my wife is having an affair. I do not expect her to lock herself in her room or wear a burka just because I am not around. The problem with you and many of the other commenters here is that you do not understand the difference between "blind" trust and "complete" trust. I have complete trust in my wife because I know the type of person she is and her moral values. Blind trust is when you think you can trust somebody without knowing enough about them to know if they are trustworthy. Then.... there is the "conditional" trust that you and most of those here afford their partners. Conditional trust says I will trust you as long as I can keep my thumb on you and you follow my rules and eliminate anybody from your life that "I" perceive as a potential threat. Newsflash, if you have to make conditions or ask your partner to limit contact with others then your relationship is lacking in any meaningful trust and is a complete sham.

Could my wife end up screwing around with a co-worker? From what I know about her I would have to say no. However, anything can happen but sitting around worrying about stuff that may never happen is plain stupid.

The bottom line is simple. You give advice based upon your own view of how relationships should be. The problem is you have a great deal to learn and your inexperience screams loud and clear. If everybody followed your advice we would all either be single or in counseling, or both.

Tell me Michelle, How does the real life work? I would love to hear your answer because it seems your "real life" experience is based upon a 5 year relationship based upon conditional trust and an amateur advice web site.

So if your wife was really upset coz she thought one of your female friends was trying to get her claws into you-you would tell your wife to shut up and stop being insecure and say your not gonna cut your balls off and put them in her purse and you are keeping this friend in your life and if she doesnt like it she knows where the door is? That is how you come across.

I said already, its not even about trust. Its about respect and emotional intelligence and not doing anything that would make your partner feel insecure or threatened. Boundaries are important. That means having your own personal boundaries and not allowing someone to make you feel insecure or threatened and to walk away if that person does not live up to your standards and expectations. It doesnt mean writing a list of rules and wrapping a rope around your partners neck. It just means knowing what you will and wont tolerate and being on the same page with your partner.

Its good that you trust your wife and she trusts you. I trust my partner and he trusts me. But if I thought some girl who he thought was just a friend was coming onto him, I would tell him I am not comfortable with their friendship and I don't trust her and then the ball would be in his court. If he didn't understand where I am coming from and didn't get rid of her-I would walk away from him-not because I don't trust him but because I don't want some manipulate bitch doing everything she can to turn him against me and split us up. Either she goes or I do

And I did make that mistake once of trusting someone completely, of thinking he was the nicest guy in the world and wouldn't hurt a fly especially not me and I ignored his friendship with a girl who was always flirting with him and texting him thinking I have nothing to worry about and then he cheated on me with her so I'm not gonna sit around and wait for that to happen if I find myself in a similar situation again. Ill just tell him to get lost if he all of a sudden has a new best female friend.

You think I am inexperienced because I am with my bf for 5 years compared to your 20 odd years. It doesn't matter how long we have been together. The reality is we have a good relationship which is based on trust, loyalty, love and respect and both share the same morals and values and have the same sense of what is right and wrong in a relationship. he wouldnt like me having a male best friend anymore than Id like him having a female best friend and our relationship works for us.

[Am I crazy?]

"And I did make that mistake once of trusting someone completely, of thinking he was the nicest guy in the world and wouldn't hurt a fly especially not me and I ignored his friendship with a girl who was always flirting with him and texting him thinking I have nothing to worry about and then he cheated on me with her so I'm not gonna sit around and wait for that to happen if I find myself in a similar situation again. Ill just tell him to get lost if he all of a sudden has a new best female friend."

in all reality it really sounds like you are still hurting over that relationship, which means you are not "over" that guy emotionally. If you were over that guy and that relationship you would be able to enjoy your current relationship without silly boundaries. I'm sure you will argue that I am wrong till you are blue in the face but its clear you are still emotionally attached to the relationship that hurt you.

If that's the type of relationship that makes you happy, always anticipating your partner hurting you and setting limits and boundaries to prevent it, then more power to you. I can tell you straight up, someday either you or your BF will get tired of the silly boundaries and move on.

[michelle23]

that relationship was like 7 years ago lol. I am over it completely. I was never even that into him. I was just giving you an example of what blind trust gets you-thats all. But no matter what I say youll twist it and use it against me so go ahead.

Encase you didnt notice, at least ten other people on here agreed that boundaries are necessary and a lot of them are happily married just as long as you are but you choose to ignore that fact

[Am I crazy?]

Yup, still not over him. I have never heard anybody who was over a relationship utter the words "I was never even that into him". lol, that's funny. Those words completely confirm you are a jilted lover still hung up on a past boyfriend. maybe you should get some of the counseling that you often recommend others get? or maybe you should dump your current BF due to your lingering emotions? lol. The simple fact is people that were "never even that into him" do not base future relationships upon what people who you were "never even that into him" did to you unless you really were "into them" and were crushed by their actions. You are the classic jilted lover. textbook.

Oh boy, at least 10 people agree with you, Yipee!. That must make it all right. That's funny.

BTW, Im still waiting for you to tell me how "real life" works.

[searock]

Am I crazy?, relationship boundaries don't take anything away from anybody's happiness. They help preserve happiness within the relationship. They are simply common sense.

[Am I crazy?]

Searock,

I have an electric shock collar on my dog to keep him safely within his boundaries. I do this simply because I do not trust his to stay in his yard. Boundaries are for those whom you do not have full trust. I trust my wife completely and therefore neither of us live within silly boundaries. We know right from wrong and treat each other as adults who are accountable for their actions, not what they "could" do.

If you need to set boundaries to "preserve" a relationship then you are basically saying that without the boundaries the relationship is not strong enough to endure life's temptations. If you feel boundaries are necessary then you really need to take a good hard look at the relationships foundations.

[searock]

Relationship boundaries are, as I said, just common sense. There's no need to even communicate them to each other, all it takes is to be a reasonable, emotionally mature adult. They are things like:

I am not going to go to dinner with a single, cute co-worker of mine.
I am going to tell the single, cute co-worker of mine who invited me to dinner that I am taken.
I am not going to confide my innermost secrets/feelings to a member of the opposite sex that I am attracted to.
etc...

Common sense. Without this type of boundaries, you risk ruining your relationship for extremely stupid reasons. It's really not worth it.

[Am I crazy?]

searock,

All you just said is what I have been saying all along. If you are a reasonable, emotionally mature adult then you will know right from wrong and make the right decisions without having to have boundaries in place. However, in any one of those three scenarios you mentioned I have full confidence that my wife would make the right decision and I have no desire to limit her access to members of the opposite sex. If my wife decides she wants to have an affair silly boundaries will not stop her anyway.

[searock]

searock,

All you just said is what I have been saying all along. If you are a reasonable, emotionally mature adult then you will know right from wrong and make the right decisions without having to have boundaries in place. However, in any one of those three scenarios you mentioned I have full confidence that my wife would make the right decision and I have no desire to limit her access to members of the opposite sex. If my wife decides she wants to have an affair silly boundaries will not stop her anyway.

But the things I mentioned are the boundaries. The boundaries aren't set by your partner, they are set by you. I thought this was clear.

[Am I crazy?]

Searock,

again, setting boundaries for your partner are not necessary if you have chosen the right partner. Sigh........

[searock]

YOU set YOUR OWN boundaries.

[Am I crazy?]

searock,

sorry, misread you. yes, by knowing the difference between right and wrong a person is setting their own boundaries. We can agree to agree on that one. I will however stand extremely firm in my notion that your partner should not be setting your boundaries for you. I think we just had a breakthrough? you a woman? wanna bust through some boundaries and have an online emotional affair? LOL. Just kidding. Thanks for a civil debate and have a great weekend.

[michelle23]

That is what I have been trying to say to him too for ages. We set our own boundaries. They are not rules that need to be written down or pointed out or even discussed. He doesn't pick up on that as he prefers to take one or two little things out of what you said and twist them and make you look like you are somehow psychologically or emotionally damaged just because you disagree with him.

Oh well-Im off to enjoy the long weekend with my man. Peace out all

[Am I crazy?]

Michelle,

Say what? you might want to make an appointment with your Audiologist to see what that brown stuff coming out of your ears is, But I suspect you are so full of crap that its oozing from your ears. Your above comment is laughable. Searock and I were discussing that the individual sets boundaries based upon their own knowledge of what is right and wrong. You on the other hand have made it quite clear that you not only set buy also enforce the boundaries that you have put in place in your relationship with your man. You have on numerous threads stated that you would leave your man if he had a close female friend and have told him so. That is entirely different that what searock and I discussed. I would bet my left nut that your BF knows exactly what his boundaries are because you have discussed them with him.

Get to work on that therapy soon, you REALLY need it.

[confusednow]

michelle said she discussed emotional affairs ONCE with her partner when he asked her wtf is going on in coronation street (a soap they watch) she didnt say she set rules on it, the topic came up, they discussed it briefly and agreed that having too close friends of the opposite sex is not a good idea. as far as im aware its never been an issue in their relationship nor mine.

am i crazy: your twisting peoples worls. we can all see straight through your bs. what your doing is manipulative, putting words in peoples mouths, using little things as a form of attack when you cant find anything else to come back with. its kinda pathetic. i doubt that michelle is still hung up on some guy she dted when she was a teen. she was just answering your question and again you twisted it

im sure their is a psychological term for people like you who put psychological terms on people and try to make them second guess themselves and qs their own sanity even when they are perfectly within their rights and your likely the one in the wrong. i just dont know what the word is.

all you have done since you came here is call everyone insecure bcoz you dont agree or respect their boundaries. our relationships are none of your business and if you dont agree with our standards and expectations-thats fine but it dont make us wrong.

your full of crap

and she would be well within her rights to leave her partner if he wasnt living up to her standards