What would you do?

[Sabrina2]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm a 27 year old female, my husband is a 30 year old male and we have been married since February 2006. Our relationship has not been an easy one, although I love my husband and we get along very well. There have been a lot of *new* issues since he was discharged from the Marines in March 2011. I want to try to stay away from emotion and stick mostly with facts - I'd like to know what other people would do in this situation.

I work full time, 40 hours a week in a job that requires a 1 hour commute each way. I also work part time doing event marketing, right now I'm doing 12 hours a week (luckily it's on the way home), sometimes 16 hours, and with both commitments I work 7 days a week. I've taken on two part time projects that total 6 - 9 hours a week, but they require me to be out of the house as well, bringing my grand total to 58 - 68 hours every week, 7 days a week.

We are extremely broke, mostly moving expenses but a lot is from us not having a budget. My car is in the shop and it is going to cost 1,300 dollars to fix, I've paid about half but I'm at least a week out from having enough to pay for it. I've put my flute, most of my jewelry, my extra saddle, and anything else of value up for sale. I browse craigslist every day for gigs and extra jobs I can apply for to try and make more money so we can get out of this predicament.

My husband is a full time student, graduating top of his class in his bachelor's program at a trade school online. He stays home all day, does not clean anything, often does not feed or forgets about our dog, and feeds my horse at night. He does not actively pursue part time work because he says he cannot do it and be in school. He occasionally gets part time work through a friend of mine, but that is 30 - 50 dollars every once in awhile. He finally listed one of his own items for sale on craigslist, only because it looks like I will not be able to get my car next week unless I do not pay the internet bill and two credit cards. He told me he listed it last week, but took the ad down because he didn't get any responses.

We had a huge fight a little over a week ago, and I gave him an ultimatum to pursue part time gigs, set up a budget and schedule with me, or I was leaving. We did sort of end up setting up a budget, but he forgot several bills and still does no know how much I make or when I get paid. He says "we can't make a budget when we have no money." He used to actively fight me when I tried to set up a schedule so he would know where I am going and when I'll be back, now he puts up with my attempts to make a schedule. Most of the time I do not know if dinner will be ready when I get home (at 9:30 pm or so) and often go to bed without eating because I'm tired.

Today I yelled at him, our landlord is very rich and we live on a big farm. It would be easy for him to take some cheap part time jobs here, washing cars and working around the ranch doing light labor. He agreed to ask our landlord, but I am fairly certain he will not if I don't bring it up 2 or 3 more times.

My husband does contribute to bills with his VA money for school and disability, but with sequestration many checks have not been arriving and we are short several thousand dollars I thought we would have.

I am not sure what else to do to get him to help me, we are barely making ends meet financially. We do not have TV or Trash, we have 4 credit card payments and one vehicle payment, no health insurance payments (he is covered by the VA, I do not have any insurance), a life insurance/roth IRA on me, renters and car insurance, rent, gas and food. He does not show consideration for me, does not sleep with me at night, we haven't had sex in months, and we do not speak about our issues mostly because I don't have the energy to be stone walled.

Thank you for reading this far, am I wrong to feel like I am at my wit's end with this? What would you do or how would you proceed?

[basilandthyme]

Sabrina, I'm so sorry you're in this predicament. First, let me say that you have every right to be upset and frustrated. The very least he could do is make sure the housework is done and the animals are cared for.

Hon, you say that you love him and get on really well - but what you write doesn't reflect this. He's lazy, won't contribute, won't get a job, stonewalls you, won't sleep with you...what is there to love? And if you can't sort out these issues without him blocking you, then you can't be getting on all that well.

Frankly, if I were you - I'd file for divorce. Give notice on the place you are in and find yourself a nice little one-bed apartment. You have the advantage of being the income earner, so you'll be able to take care of yourself. I don't know what alimony laws are where you are, but I suggest you see a lawyer with a view to protecting your income and leaving the debt for whoever racked it up in the first place.

One more comment just in case you decide to stay: as you are the only earner, you don't need his agreement to make a budget. Put all your earnings in your own account and pay the bills yourself. Do not give your husband an allowance - tell him that if he wants money, he needs to get off his backside and get a job. You see, while you're paying for everything, he doesn't need to get a job. You must stop enabling his laziness

[kamel]

I think the divorce is not a good option with this problem or predicament you must try to be smarter with this problem
I know we have two minds they disagree with each other but divorce do not be a best solution here because you will lost a lot of thing
try to speak with a man that has got a relationship with your husband if be a effective person it is better .

[michelle23]

i have to agree with b&t. he is taking advantage of you. if i were you id move out into a cheap 1bed and try to get my finances sorted. im not saying you should divorce him. maybe you should tell him until he learns some independence and can step up and be a man your not coming home coz your sick of him leeching off you. you may have to sell your horse coz you wont have anywhere to put him/her unles family can take him for awhile but if thats the only sacrifice you have to make to get outa this crappy situation then do it. you cant go on like this

and btw he should have the house clean and dinner ready if hes not working. he expects way too much. hes very selfish and lazy and has a lot of growing up to do.

[bluesummer]

Ugh, I've sort of been in your situation, with my now EX husband.

Seems to me that you're the one making all the sacrifices for him. I mean, you're helping him get through school and he doesn't have the common decency to at least try to make an effort to take some of your load off? What the hell. It's so selfish I don't know where to start.

Honestly, you need to lay down the law....the power really is in your hands after all, you ARE holding the purse strings. I get that school ties him down time-wise, but you need to tell him you're not just nagging him, that you are seriously unable to carry the financial burden and he needs to come up with ways to either bring in some money and/or take some of your load off by helping around the house. I don't know how extreme you want to go with this because I don't know what methods you've tried beyond just fighting with him. If it were me, I'd explain that I simply do not have time with all the work I'm doing to keep the house up as well.....and I'd go on strike. No cooking, no cleaning (but yeah, feed your animals if he's not). Give him some consequences for his actions. He obviously isn't feeling any because he's not trying. Do you have joint bank accounts? Because really you should have at least one separate account for you where you put half your paychecks so the only thing that's available to him is for the bare necessities.....bills and food. It's terrible you have to treat your husband like a kid but he's acting like one.

[Sabrina2]

So I'm going to make an attempt to completely take over the finances, I don't really want to which is probably why I haven't yet, it's just more shit to deal with.

Nothing has gotten better, he's been sleeping with me more but making food is still mostly miss and our landlord almost kicked us out because of how messy our house is (he sent one of his guys in to take pictures.) My husband now has been looking for a job because he wants to move, and that's because the landlord cussed him out.

It's the first of the month and our rent check isn't going to clear because he has auto payments set up I explicitly told him to remove and paid for my horse's hay with our main account when I gave him my debit card to pay for it... I mean he's not stupid, I just don't understand why he doesn't care at all. I feel like I want to leave but financially I can't, most of the things taken out on credit are in my name and we are barely scraping by.

[IndiReloaded]

You have all this debt and you own a horse?? lol.

What would I do? I'd ditch the horse until I could actually afford one. Horses are ranked somewhere around... yachts, and sports cars, I think.

[Empty Road]

You have all this debt and you own a horse?? lol.

What would I do? I'd ditch the horse until I could actually afford one. Horses are ranked somewhere around... yachts, and sports cars, I think.

I thought the same. When I was broke, my goldfish had to go.

[michelle23]

Sit down together and write a list of all the money coming in and all the money going out and then what you are left with to pay your debts. Tell him to get off his ass and get a bloody job now! No more excuses. McDonalds are ALWAYS hiring. He has to contribute. Studying is no excuse not to work. I worked 3 days a week when I was in full time college-sometimes more and then I worked 6 days a week and did college 2 nights a week. He has no excuse. Whilst doing all of that I still had to clean, cook and do laundry as well as fit in the grocery shopping, feed and walk the dog.

That is so bloody selfish. You dont get home until 9:30 and he cant even have something as simple as a pizza or burger cooked for you so you go to bed hungry? How horrible.

Something has to change. You are never home. How do you think your marriage is gonna last if you never spend any time together and when you do see each other all you do is argue over bills? If you both continue like this-you will end up divorced and in even more debt.

You need to be home more and he needs to work more so find a way to do that so you can both take responsibility for cooking and cleaning and also have at least one day where you can be a family and enjoy being together. Balance is important.

You both need to work, you both need to contribute to the household and you both need to spend time together so how are you gonna do all of that. Your supposed to be a team. if he cannot work with you to fix this and to get you out of this rut-then I would walk straight out the door and not look back.

[Sabrina2]

You have all this debt and you own a horse?? lol.

What would I do? I'd ditch the horse until I could actually afford one. Horses are ranked somewhere around... yachts, and sports cars, I think.

I've owned my horse for 16 years, and the cost to maintain him is about 80 dollars a month. They are no where near as expensive as sports cars unless they are competition animals. I'm pretty sure my husband is going to go before my horse goes, I've had him his entire life although I will say I've tried selling/giving him away the past few months and I haven't found a great home. Otherwise, I would have found someone to take him.

Everything is exactly the same, except I've been able to pay off two of our cards this month. I still can't get him to sit down and make a budget. I still can't leave or afford to move, the soonest that will be is January. My current plan is to give him until January (since he graduates in December) to get his shit together. The food thing has gotten a lot better, there is usually food prepared now and he's keeping the house semi-clean. He has not applied for any more jobs, and even when I tried to get him to take an internship in the field he wants to work in and wrote his cover letter for him, he STILL did not apply.

I do snoop through his facebook messages sometimes, I'm curious what he's up to when I'm gone all the time. I have noticed that he lies a lot, he'll tell people he has to go because he has a session, and pretends he's done things that he hasn't, or tells someone he has to feed his horses (we only have 1 horse, and he's made it incredibly clear that it's my horse.) He only does this over the internet, but it's a very consistent pattern and he's been doing it for a long time. I'm no psychologist or anything, but doesn't this mean something is wrong? He's supposed to get counseling through the VA but they are SO backed up it would take months to years to get him an appointment, and again I'd have to be the one to do it. I feel like I may end up giving up in January, because this one sided thing has been going on for years. When I read what he tells others, it's like he's an entirely different person (one that I don't know at all.)

[IndiReloaded]

I've owned my horse for 16 years, and the cost to maintain him is about 80 dollars a month. They are no where near as expensive as sports cars unless they are competition animals. I'm pretty sure my husband is going to go before my horse goes, I've had him his entire life although I will say I've tried selling/giving him away the past few months and I haven't found a great home. Otherwise, I would have found someone to take him.

I thought you were a troll for sure until I read this^. LOL.

His internet posting sounds like he doesn't have enough to do IRL. Kudos on the bill payments and as for the rest... at least he's making some progress.

Tho I'm sure it galls (I had an extremely aggravating ex, so I get it) you need to praise the distance he *has* come (food, cleaning), small tho it may seem. Its the only way he's going to continue moving forward. Stay the course, keep the pressure up but also reinforce what he has done.

Most guys are actually rather simple creatures. They want their women to be happy and will do what is reasonably possible to keep them so, within their own capabilities.

Generally, tho, a leopard doesn't change his spots. So don't expect miracles. You may have to take on the task of being the financial planner of the family. In this case, tho, tell him he needs to get out there an make money, at least you will budget it out. Give him an allowance, etc. Make it somewhat fun for him and he'll toe the line.

@ the guys - I mean no disrespect by this. Simply stating what my perception of men has been in my life. Some like to plan, some like to work hard, some are great at play... its all about complimentary strengths in a partnership.

[AbigailR]

Has he ever thought about getting counseling or antidepressants? A lot of people have trouble getting back to "normal" after serving in the military. That could be something to look into. He needs to figure out what the real is problem before anything can be fixed.

[michelle23]

I think he may have psychological issues too. He may need help after his time in the marines.

You cannot fix him. He has to do it on his own. Give him some time to sort his life out. If you need to wait until January, then give it until then. If nothing has improved, walk out the door and look after you.

You are only 27, you married young. If its not working, its not working. You cannot stay with someone if you are completely miserable. Soon it will get to the point where one of you cracks and has an affair. It takes two to make a marriage work and right now it sounds like you are the only one trying.