Another fight with my girlfriend

[afroman]

I think this time it was my fault. I lashed out, but I just can't get over how oblivious she is to some things.

Some of you may have seen my post a while back about how this girl and a mutual friend of ours (guy friend) went out to a rave. I texted her and told her I felt on edge about it cause this guy has a record of being creepy and sketchy (has come in the middle of my past relationship, I got over it.. Also came in the middle of another friend's relationship) He had also come on to her in the past.. But I didn't really think much of it cause he's kind of a weenie.

Well long story short, this "friend" of mine asks my girlfriend to sleep with him.. She says no, yet continues on to the rave with him, takes some MDMA (pure form of ecstasy) that he gave her (how could she be so clueless to not only go out with this sketchy guy, but also take a drug from him that could easily be something that would knock her out making her an easy target? ugh) Then he drops her off and tries to sleep over her house, she (thankfully) realized it would be weird to have him over and told him to go home.

Now this was all an account of her story, which I trust. I never really had a gut feeling that something bad was about to happen. I was just mad that she hungout with this guy alone seemingly to get back at me for an argument we had gotten in earlier that night.




Okay, onto the current situation.



We were both over our friend's place the other night having a few beers, then were going to walk to the bars downtown. Our friend mentioned something about the sketchy guy coming to hangout, and I said to him "If that kid's coming over I'm not hanging out, I don't think I can even look at his face right now without wanting to knock him out."

My friends and I had all ready made plans to hang out this night. They all know I don't like this guy, yet treat me like I'm being a baby for finally cutting my friendship with this loser. One of the friends that ditched me this night actually ended a relationship because this sketchy guy had sex with his girlfriend behind his back.. This friend ditched me to hangout with this low-life who also backstabbed him. I don't get it.

I was pretty pissed at the situation. I still am. I feel like a social pariah. When my girlfriend and I went home, I was in an obviously pissed off mood. None of our friends talk to me anymore, they never call to hangout.. Yet they call her all the time. She gives me the "Oh don't worry" talk, but I'm not worried. I'm just pissed that I was ditched by all my friends because they see some back stabbing bastard as a closer friend than me all because I made a stink about it. They chose his side.

I told my girlfriend that if she weren't so clueless as to guys' intentions with her then I wouldn't have to deal with this crap. She calls me crazy and sexist, but I tell her I'm not sexist, that sketchy piece of shit who sees her like a piece of meat is the sexist and if she could have seen that, this predicament would have never happened.

Then she tries to say that I'm calling her out on cheating when I had never even accused her of it at all (kinda rings a bell to me that she may have cheated.. who knows) I tell her that I'm not accusing her of cheating, I'm just trying to show her that when guys come on to you over and over you either tell them you have a boyfriend and are not interested, or you avoid them like the plague. This argument ended with her having a temper tantrum and kicking the glove box in my car over and over while screaming as if she's a 5 year old who's being punished.

Long story short..
-girlfriend hangs out with creepy guy who is a mutual friend (not really mine, I just put up with him most of the time)
-creepy guy comes on to girlfriend (what a surprise) hangs out with her amongst other mutual friends, gives her drugs and drives her home.
-creepy guy tries to sleep over her house, girlfriend denies him.
-I become a social pariah in my social circle cause I want nothing to do with this guy. My friends seem to hold his friendship at higher value than mine and ditch plans to hangout just cause this kid calls to see what everyone's up to.
-I am beyond frustrated (along with other stressors as of late), feel like this relationship is ruining my social life and wind up getting pissed over the whole situation that happened weeks ago. Saying how I wish my girlfriend wasn't clueless to the sketchy guy's agenda cause it was obvious to me.
-girlfriend just keeps defending herself with ridiculous statements and putting words in my mouth, claims I'm accusing her of cheating (when I never did.. and makes me question if she maybe did.)

I'm sick of being angry, of feeling isolated from my social circle because of all this drama that erupted out of her just being completely clueless of this douche. I'm sick of feeling like a control freak and having to constantly tell her to respect me and our relationship. I'm so sick of this, I put so much effort in this damn relationship (moved towns, got a new job, broke up with a girlfriend) and I just completely regret it now.

.. and when I tell her this, she says "I just want you to be happy"...

It's probably time to end the relationship and find a new group of friends to be tight with. I did tell her last night that I wanted space because I feel like our relationship is driving me down a miserable black hole of depression and need to re-think our compatibility.

[stev123]

Bro, you're being a pussy here and putting up with someone who clearly has issues shes choosing him over you and in my opinion is way too close to him to be 'friends'.

Dump her and move on, plenty of fish and the sea and you don't need this kind of train wreck.

Edit: Also if she really loves you and wants you to be happy, she won't be running around and creating unecessary divisions between you and her with some emotional affair she's having.

[dem862]

It sounds like it's over. She seems clueless and doesn't respect your feelings. Time to next this one and move on.

[Valixy]

People can be really ignorant sometimes and at this time you're surrounded by ignorants, so it seems. This could be a personality test in your life that could only make you stronger. Sometimes one really has to stand his ground.

She is not the right person for you and neither are your coward false friends. The fact that he already ruined another guy's relationship and damaged yours so much and yet everyone accepts him, tells a lot about them and would be painful for anyone. Could he be supplying all of them with drugs? It's really sad how little personality some have, how dependent they are on being accepted in a group and what addiction can do to people.

This girl doesn't seem to get you and it could only be because she is either lying or pretending or because she is a veeery different person from you. I agree with the others that you should do some justice to yourself and finish with her. You couldn't feel worse than you're feeling now because you wouldn't have to put up with her lack of respect and love anymore and while you could feel pretty broken at the beginning, you would also feel liberated in time.

Maybe your friends or at least some of them will realise they have been making a mistake, or maybe you'll feel more comfortable in time, knowing their limits, what to expect from them and just how much you can trust them. However if meeting them would still make you feel bad, it won't be worth trying to mix with them anymore, in my opinion. A couple of years ago I made a new friend, a lovely girl that I really liked. A few months later I noticed some personality traits that made me feel uncomfortable around her. I tried meeting her for another year, sometimes having a great time and other times feeling offended by some of her interventions. I've stopped seeing her and I feel I've done the right thing. I don't think that I should be teaching people things they should have learnt by now and I am not willing to put up with basic incompatibility either. Relationships are supposed to enrich us and make us happy and not otherwise.

[michelle23]

My advice: get rid of your girlfriend and find better friends.

[smackie9]

Yes bro you have it right....you need to dump her and find a new group of friends. The key word in your thread is "drugs". This is what makes this group stick together and ousting you. You may not see it but the very reason why they seem to gravitate towards the "creepy" guy is because he is their link to drugs. I have been in a similar situation where I just had to walk away ( on two separate occasions ) and I never regretted it.

[jbruced]

I think this time it was my fault. I lashed out, but I just can't get over how oblivious she is to some things.

Some of you may have seen my post a while back about how this girl and a mutual friend of ours (guy friend) went out to a rave. I texted her and told her I felt on edge about it cause this guy has a record of being creepy and sketchy (has come in the middle of my past relationship, I got over it.. Also came in the middle of another friend's relationship) He had also come on to her in the past.. But I didn't really think much of it cause he's kind of a weenie.

Well long story short, this "friend" of mine asks my girlfriend to sleep with him.. She says no, yet continues on to the rave with him, takes some MDMA (pure form of ecstasy) that he gave her (how could she be so clueless to not only go out with this sketchy guy, but also take a drug from him that could easily be something that would knock her out making her an easy target? ugh) Then he drops her off and tries to sleep over her house, she (thankfully) realized it would be weird to have him over and told him to go home.

Now this was all an account of her story, which I trust. I never really had a gut feeling that something bad was about to happen. I was just mad that she hungout with this guy alone seemingly to get back at me for an argument we had gotten in earlier that night.




Okay, onto the current situation.



We were both over our friend's place the other night having a few beers, then were going to walk to the bars downtown. Our friend mentioned something about the sketchy guy coming to hangout, and I said to him "If that kid's coming over I'm not hanging out, I don't think I can even look at his face right now without wanting to knock him out."

My friends and I had all ready made plans to hang out this night. They all know I don't like this guy, yet treat me like I'm being a baby for finally cutting my friendship with this loser. One of the friends that ditched me this night actually ended a relationship because this sketchy guy had sex with his girlfriend behind his back.. This friend ditched me to hangout with this low-life who also backstabbed him. I don't get it.

I was pretty pissed at the situation. I still am. I feel like a social pariah. When my girlfriend and I went home, I was in an obviously pissed off mood. None of our friends talk to me anymore, they never call to hangout.. Yet they call her all the time. She gives me the "Oh don't worry" talk, but I'm not worried. I'm just pissed that I was ditched by all my friends because they see some back stabbing bastard as a closer friend than me all because I made a stink about it. They chose his side.

I told my girlfriend that if she weren't so clueless as to guys' intentions with her then I wouldn't have to deal with this crap. She calls me crazy and sexist, but I tell her I'm not sexist, that sketchy piece of shit who sees her like a piece of meat is the sexist and if she could have seen that, this predicament would have never happened.

Then she tries to say that I'm calling her out on cheating when I had never even accused her of it at all (kinda rings a bell to me that she may have cheated.. who knows) I tell her that I'm not accusing her of cheating, I'm just trying to show her that when guys come on to you over and over you either tell them you have a boyfriend and are not interested, or you avoid them like the plague. This argument ended with her having a temper tantrum and kicking the glove box in my car over and over while screaming as if she's a 5 year old who's being punished.

Long story short..
-girlfriend hangs out with creepy guy who is a mutual friend (not really mine, I just put up with him most of the time)
-creepy guy comes on to girlfriend (what a surprise) hangs out with her amongst other mutual friends, gives her drugs and drives her home.
-creepy guy tries to sleep over her house, girlfriend denies him.
-I become a social pariah in my social circle cause I want nothing to do with this guy. My friends seem to hold his friendship at higher value than mine and ditch plans to hangout just cause this kid calls to see what everyone's up to.
-I am beyond frustrated (along with other stressors as of late), feel like this relationship is ruining my social life and wind up getting pissed over the whole situation that happened weeks ago. Saying how I wish my girlfriend wasn't clueless to the sketchy guy's agenda cause it was obvious to me.
-girlfriend just keeps defending herself with ridiculous statements and putting words in my mouth, claims I'm accusing her of cheating (when I never did.. and makes me question if she maybe did.)

I'm sick of being angry, of feeling isolated from my social circle because of all this drama that erupted out of her just being completely clueless of this douche. I'm sick of feeling like a control freak and having to constantly tell her to respect me and our relationship. I'm so sick of this, I put so much effort in this damn relationship (moved towns, got a new job, broke up with a girlfriend) and I just completely regret it now.

.. and when I tell her this, she says "I just want you to be happy"...

It's probably time to end the relationship and find a new group of friends to be tight with. I did tell her last night that I wanted space because I feel like our relationship is driving me down a miserable black hole of depression and need to re-think our compatibility.

Hello Afroman,
I see you have a lot of great replies below about your next move concerning the girlfriend that is tied up with a non-productive crowd.
One of the areas that you can begin to look into is the need, on your part, to fit in with any one group. There is an opportunity here to strike out on your own and develop your own group of people that have a similar look on life as you. When you step out and distinguish yourself as a quality guy, there are many people who will have an issue with you because you act as a mirror for their poor life styles.
Step out and look at meetup.com for others with similar interests as yours. Also I encourage you to avoid situations where you are asking others, especially women to change in any way to please your ideas of how relationship should go. This approach will keep you crazy and lost out in a world of very low life style standards. Ask more questions when you first meet the new lady, and determine if you can live with her personality weaknesses or continue to meet new women. By leaving out the physical connection, initially, you can keep several female friends and really get to know them. Women will always do what they want, and go with the guy that excites them the most. If a girl has a sleazy life style and is not a "one-man-woman", like the one you speak of, no amount of complaining and reasoning will change that.
The moment that you feel that she is not totally into your life style, and conversation, just politely move to the next one. Remember that it is the woman that chooses the man first and then the man claims the woman. If you attempt to claim the woman and she hasn't chosen you as her man, it will not work, she will look other places for stimulation.
Many men do not pay attention to the woman and what she really wants from a man in a relationship and just settle for chasing the romance with the woman who is still focused out side for what she wants, and not on him. Women want men that are confident, secure and not desperate for a woman's company. These are the popular guys that don't get hung up on what the woman is doing, and who she is doing it with. All women will have girlfriends and at times boyfriends for conversation and stimulation. Watch for how important it is for her to be with you, and if she can't wait to be back in your arms again.
If you notice that this is not the case. Reevaluate the relationship and keep moving.
The woman of your dreams is out there when you define what she looks like and how she is with you.
Be well Afroman,
JB

[afroman]

Thanks for the advice guys.. I really don't think she's cheating on me since she's been sticking up for me to them through all this crap, but I just can't stand her anymore. She's been blowing up my phone begging me to go hangout with her, but I told her I need space and I'm going to stay home today.

She's the kind of girl that likes to keep a flock of male friends (our mutual friends, or past friends in this case) for constant attention from the opposite sex. She even has a lot of them do little errands for her and drive her places. It's really pathetic.

She always talks about moving in together and getting married too. In my head right now I'm thinking "no way in hell I will drink bleach if that ever happens with her current behavior"..
I don't get why some people feel the unnecessary need to be an asshole to their friends like this. ugh.

[Am I crazy?]

If you want to know what this relationship is worth to this woman I would be that if you took a week off from her she will have you replaced before the week is up. She seems quite needy.

[stev123]

Thanks for the advice guys.. I really don't think she's cheating on me since she's been sticking up for me to them through all this crap, but I just can't stand her anymore. She's been blowing up my phone begging me to go hangout with her, but I told her I need space and I'm going to stay home today.

She's the kind of girl that likes to keep a flock of male friends (our mutual friends, or past friends in this case) for constant attention from the opposite sex. She even has a lot of them do little errands for her and drive her places. It's really pathetic.

She always talks about moving in together and getting married too. In my head right now I'm thinking "no way in hell I will drink bleach if that ever happens with her current behavior"..
I don't get why some people feel the unnecessary need to be an asshole to their friends like this. ugh.

Are you blind or something, a constant flock of male friends as a chick? lol

[smackie9]

She's not ready for real life (marriage, etc). Her flock of friends are way too important. I think you can do much better.