Is it over or is it not and what to do.

[Zewa]

Hi,

I recently had a break up with my girlfriend. We were together for seven years. During this 7 years it was really beautifully, but unfortunately during the last year due to some problems I had I simply "forgot" to show her that I still love her ( Like saying something nice here and there etc). Then, due to this problems I noticed at work another girl that was simply "standing out" and it looked like runaway from my problems. She was complete opposite from me and I think that in normal situations I would never have anything with this person. Anyway, I started to text and SMS with this girl and this helped me to escape from my problems. I would simply not think on them. After some time this, to me, seemed like I'm doing something that is not ok and that's not good toward my girlfriend so I told her what I was doing. Due to me being "cold towards her" during the year and now this. She said that this was something that went over her cup and she broke up with me. Although she broke up with me I saw in her that she was devastated by this and that her heart broke because she loved me so much that I simply can't describe it here. We haven't hear in a few week and when I finally solved my problems and realized that I simply wasn't "good" toward her I contacted her and we had a talk. I told her that I still love her and explained everything to her why this happened. I also told her that I'm ready to make some changes to make things better. Unfortunately, she told me that now she is not sure if she feels the same anymore and if she wants to try again. Also she said that she meet someone else and that she feels fine for now. I know who the guy is and it seems that the guy is complete opposite from her like the "my girl" was quite opposite from me. She told me that she doesn't know what will happen next, that she is not dating this guy but just texting with him and going out to have fun ( dancing etc). But she simply can't tell where will all of this go.

I know that she is not doing this because she is angry since we can talk completely normally about everything. She even had a dinner with me and we talked again about everything. She repeated again that she doesn't see me in this light anymore currently but she is not certain of anything.
I love her very much. Actually, as everything happened I realized how much we "go together". ( I mean, during 7 years I never ever looked at other girl in a way that "I would be interested" because each time I knew that my girlfriend is best I have) I told her that I accept that it's over but I want her to know that she will always be in my heart and that my hear will always be open for her. We are still in contact and change few messages here and there.

But the problem is. I feel that each time I try to show her that I have changed and that I'm ready to make improvements, the other guy simply "runs over this" and she forgets about it. It seems like this "other guy" is "much stronger" than me although I know her much better than him. It feels like I'm not able to "reach to her" because he is blocking me from her. Each time I try to "catch" something with what I could pool her back, he breaks that connection. Actually, It feels the same thing that was happening to me is now happening to her. Because when I was chatting and texting with other girl, I was completely "closed" to things that my girlfriend would said although I knew that I still had feeling for her.

I simply don't know how to behave in this situation and what steps to take to get back with her if this is even possible. I mean, if it weren't so good between us for all this years then I would understand. Also, during the 7 years we haven't had even one single big fight. We always talked and agreed on everything. Found mutual terms etc. So I don't understand now what to do. Maybe this is her way of taking a rest from all bad things that happened lately in our relationship but then again I'm so scared that I will lose her completely that I can't sleep.
I know that maybe there is nothing I can do. But if anyone has any advice on this I would be gratefully.
Do we have a change to get back together ? I know example of another couple that broke up after very long relationship, they both had other partners during breakup and then ended up again together after one and half month.

If there's anything else that you think I would need to say or write before you could give some advice, let me know and I will write it down.

p.s.
Also, If I place some of my pictures on my facebook profile. She always "likes" them.

p.p.s
Also, we live in small town so we have and we will stumble upon each other quite often.

[Valixy]

So you've learnt from your mistakes and you are willing to do things better... Since she isn't really dating the other guy, nor has she asked you to stop contacting her because she's trying to move on, maybe you could try to meet her again and spend some nice time together. If she agrees seeing you, doing something fun with you, going dancing, etc., I think that you might still have a chance. You'll have to be patient though and try to reconquer her and win her trust again - not an easy or definitely achievable task but worth trying. Good luck.

[smackie9]

It's impossible to "change" in a few weeks so that is why she ain't buying it. The only thing you have is you see where you might have gone wrong, but it's not all your fault, she has something to do with it as well letting this relationship fall by the wayside. This is something you both needed to work on.

Your experience with this other girl, isn't the same as your ex's experience with this other guy. She isn't using him as an escape from her problems, she is seeing if she wants to make a change in her life. She is re-evaluating your relationship, her feelings, her future goals, her priorities, etc. This guy isn't coc k blocking you. She is a big girl, she is independent enough to not be influenced by this guy. This isn't just about a relationship, this about everything in her life.

Your best bet is to give her her space to sort through things. But this doesn't mean you have to wait around....you can go out an have fun too. To be desirable is to be less available. You stop focusing on her, she will be drawn to you.

[Zewa]

One more question. Since I know this guy, would maybe be ok that I call him out for a drink? Because I heard he feels preety bad because he knows that she was with me for so long and that he told her that she should return to me. But then agian it could only be a trick from his side so he could "get to her" or something like that ?

[smackie9]

Stay out of it. Calling him out will only upset her because you are meddling in her business....make you look weak.

[Zewa]

Stay out of it. Calling him out will only upset her because you are meddling in her business....make you look weak.

OK. And what if I bump up on him in the city ? Should I just say "hi" and that's it or should I say something like "Hi, look I know how you are feeling. But don't. If she is happy with you then I'm happy for her so you don't need to feel bad because all of this" or something like that?

[smackie9]

You are tempted but the less you say the better. Trust me it will be to your advantage to keep your mouth shut.

[michelle23]

tell me more about your emotional affair please? that is extremely hard to forgive. i get the impression your down sizing it here and making it seem less bad then it was.

you make it sound as if all you did was send a few harmless texts, realized it was wrong and confessed but i dont buy that.

give us more info on that as that is the main cause of your breakup. im not gonna give you false hope. if my man had an emotional affair-even if nothing physical happened-it would be over for good with no going back.

[Zewa]

tell me more about your emotional affair please? that is extremely hard to forgive. i get the impression your down sizing it here and making it seem less bad then it was.

you make it sound as if all you did was send a few harmless texts, realized it was wrong and confessed but i dont buy that.

give us more info on that as that is the main cause of your breakup. im not gonna give you false hope. if my man had an emotional affair-even if nothing physical happened-it would be over for good with no going back.

I would like to do that, but I think it would be much easier for me if you would ask direct questions maybe regarding this.
Let's say that I simply never had something like this before. From the start I met this girl at work I knew that she is not for me, that she is to different. But she was fun and job was borring so we started to tease each other etc, make jokes and so on. After some time I felt this was wrong, maybe I saw that this girl wanted something more but I didn't so I felt bad about this. Really don't know how to describe it anymore.

[klink]

You need to stay with the NC.
It's not ok to talk with her or the other guy.

You are missing the whole point of NC.

[Zewa]

You need to stay with the NC.
It's not ok to talk with her or the other guy.

You are missing the whole point of NC.

NC ? You mean No contact ? I'm having a hard time with that to absorb and understand. Because if there is something still in here towards me, shouldn't I try and help her to remember ? Because if I completely ignore her, then the other guy will simply "over run" me. Won't he ?

[jbruced]

The opening time that you are with a woman, is the first and last opportunity to develop a strong, loving and lasting relationship. The love connection must be taken care of from the start. Once you have been distracted by another woman the woman will find it hard to trust that you won't be distracted again by another woman. If the woman you were seeing is spending your time being confused about her life allow her to be where she is in her life. This is her journey, now it is time for you to put the focus on your self and begin a new life. It is easy to continue to focus on a past woman, this allows you not to take responsibility for starting a new relationship and growing from the last. Your mind is playing tricks on you, keeping you talking about some guy that was with some girl that once cared about you. Play the field move forward, practice forgiveness of your self and the past woman. You can make it, it will work out better next time. jb

[michelle23]

I would like to do that, but I think it would be much easier for me if you would ask direct questions maybe regarding this.
Let's say that I simply never had something like this before. From the start I met this girl at work I knew that she is not for me, that she is to different. But she was fun and job was borring so we started to tease each other etc, make jokes and so on. After some time I felt this was wrong, maybe I saw that this girl wanted something more but I didn't so I felt bad about this. Really don't know how to describe it anymore.

how far did it go? did you have feelings for her? did you wonder would your life be better with her? were you tempted to actually cheat? did you think about breaking up with your girl for her? how long did it go on for before you realized it was wrong? were the texts flirty or sexual?

did you know this girl was interested in you and liked the attention?

[michelle23]

NC ? You mean No contact ? I'm having a hard time with that to absorb and understand. Because if there is something still in here towards me, shouldn't I try and help her to remember ? Because if I completely ignore her, then the other guy will simply "over run" me. Won't he ?

no hes prob just a rebound. shell realize that on her own without any help from you. this is her escape from reality coz shes heartbroken and prob cant deal with the pain. give her some time to miss you and see what happens. as long as she already knows your sorry and want her back- then you cant do anything else. the ball is in her court now

[Valixy]

I think that you should go no contact if you wanted to move on or if she told you to stop contacting her. Since you made the obvious mistake, you did right in apologising to her and express your wish to make things better. You could ask her out and have fun together, trying to reconquer her little by little. Don't look needy, make yourself attractive for her and keep it simple at the beginning, just offering her a nice time every now and then. If you stop any contact with her after you went for another girl, it will simply look that you didn't care enough then and you're not caring now either and this is not the message you want to transmit.

Don't speak too much with the other guy if you run into him, just a quick hello and nothing personal.